mr_dave Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Similar to another thread here, but no sex involved... So I met a girl from POF on Tuesday. We had lots of similar interests/attitudes according to our profiles, her photos were rather blurry, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt and we arranged to meet. When it came to seeing her in person.. I wasn't attracted to her at all. She was lovely, we had a good laugh, had lots in common and chatted for a few hours, but I just didn't fancy her. It's a shame, because I would love to meet more girls like her in terms of personality, she's from a latin country and has a much different outlook to the English girls here. Towards the end of the date, she thanked me for the drinks and said "I'll get them next time". That rather put me on the spot, I just said "Okay" and she said "So you're agreeing to another date?" I didn't know what to say, so I made the mistake of saying "Yeah, sure" I've dug myself into a hole and feel terrible about it. I hate rejecting girls, and she seemed really keen, quick to reply to my messages, didn't play any games.. but I've never had a girl really grow on me in terms of attraction. If I'm attracted to a girl, when I first meet her I'll think to myself, 'she has nice eyes', or a cute giggle, or a nice smile. Then it grows from there. But nothing hooked me with her. What could I say to her to let her know I wasn't feeling it, in as 'painless' for her a way as possible? That might sound like I need to get over myself, but she did seem really keen/invested. Thanks everyone! Link to post Share on other sites
RebelWithoutACause Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Just don't ask her out again? Or did you already make time and place specific plans? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 (edited) Mr Dave, You could tell her along the lines of - " Hi X, I've been thinking about things and I don't really feel we are compatible, so I don't think another date is a good idea. I'm sorry." And next time don't spend hours chatting to a girl you aren't interested in and buying her drinks. When guys did that to me I was royally p!$$ed. Make a short coffee date for say, half an hour and then if you like her, make another date before you go. Edited July 31, 2015 by Arieswoman 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 If you reject her openly, be prepared to get rejected back. I'd suggest not contacting her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mr_dave Posted July 31, 2015 Author Share Posted July 31, 2015 Just don't ask her out again? Or did you already make time and place specific plans? No further plans have been made so far. I could do that, but I've been in a position before - hoping for contact and another date without anything materialising, it sucks, I'd like to be honest(ish) rather than a cold fade.. Mr Dave, You could tell her along the lines of - " Hi X, I've been thinking about things and I don't really feel we are compatible, so I don't think another date is a good idea. I'm sorry." Thanks for that, the thing is though we are compatible! It's just that I'm not at all attracted to her. She would make a great friend. She knows lots of other Portuguese, (as well as Spanish and Italian) girls in the nearest large city to me. I'd love to meet some, but I have no 'way in'! If her interest in me is romantic, suggesting friendship wouldn't be a good idea... Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyBug Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 You're really sweet for being so concerned about her feelings. i would probably just not contact her, unless she contacts you. Sometimes it's better to say nothing than say something that she will play over in her head and dissect, if you don't say it just so. If she does contact you first, perhaps you could say, "You're a lovely girl and I had a wonderful time. Unfortunately, I don't think we would be a good fit beyond friends." 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mr_dave Posted July 31, 2015 Author Share Posted July 31, 2015 And next time don't spend hours chatting to a girl you aren't interested in and buying her drinks. When guys did that to me I was royally p!$$ed. Make a short coffee date for say, half an hour and then if you like her, make another date before you go. I did so because I enjoyed her company. I really liked chatting with her, and was hoping that my attraction would grow during the time we spent together, but it didn't. Was I supposed to take one look at her and walk off? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyBug Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 No further plans have been made so far. I could do that, but I've been in a position before - hoping for contact and another date without anything materialising, it sucks, I'd like to be honest(ish) rather than a cold fade.. Thanks for that, the thing is though we are compatible! It's just that I'm not at all attracted to her. She would make a great friend. She knows lots of other Portuguese, (as well as Spanish and Italian) girls in the nearest large city to me. I'd love to meet some, but I have no 'way in'! If her interest in me is romantic, suggesting friendship wouldn't be a good idea... Ah, we were posting at the same time, so I didn't see this reply. Well, there aren't a whole lot of options, in that case. If you need to say something to send her off, and not wanting to offer friendship, I'm not sure how you can nicely say, "You just don't do it for me." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oberkeat Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Similar to another thread here, but no sex involved... So I met a girl from POF on Tuesday. We had lots of similar interests/attitudes according to our profiles, her photos were rather blurry, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt and we arranged to meet. When it came to seeing her in person.. I wasn't attracted to her at all. She was lovely, we had a good laugh, had lots in common and chatted for a few hours, but I just didn't fancy her. It's a shame, because I would love to meet more girls like her in terms of personality, she's from a latin country and has a much different outlook to the English girls here. Towards the end of the date, she thanked me for the drinks and said "I'll get them next time". That rather put me on the spot, I just said "Okay" and she said "So you're agreeing to another date?" I didn't know what to say, so I made the mistake of saying "Yeah, sure" I've dug myself into a hole and feel terrible about it. I hate rejecting girls, and she seemed really keen, quick to reply to my messages, didn't play any games.. but I've never had a girl really grow on me in terms of attraction. If I'm attracted to a girl, when I first meet her I'll think to myself, 'she has nice eyes', or a cute giggle, or a nice smile. Then it grows from there. But nothing hooked me with her. What could I say to her to let her know I wasn't feeling it, in as 'painless' for her a way as possible? That might sound like I need to get over myself, but she did seem really keen/invested. Thanks everyone! First off, OP, my advice to you is to act like a man about this. Men aren't supposed to be indirect, evasive or flakey. Those are feminine traits, not masculine ones. You need to tell this girl something like this, "I had a good time, and enjoyed meeting you, but I just don't feel much of an emotional connection and I don't think we should keep dating. Keep looking, and I'm sure you'll find someone who really wants to be with you." That's also the considerate thing to do. Don't be like one of these flakey women on old who just disappears with no explanation and no regard for other people. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
nadine5 Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Yeah... one date doesn't equal the need to break up. Just don't text her back. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mr_dave Posted July 31, 2015 Author Share Posted July 31, 2015 Ah, we were posting at the same time, so I didn't see this reply. Well, there aren't a whole lot of options, in that case. If you need to say something to send her off, and not wanting to offer friendship, I'm not sure how you can nicely say, "You just don't do it for me." Thanks DaisyBug! I think what you said in your previous post is as good as it gets, I'll say I really enjoyed her company, but that I'm not sure that it could extend beyond friendship. Then I'll probably pull my profile for a while! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Just tell her that she's lovely but not for you. It's perfectly OK to do this. If she has angst and gets funny over it you just ignore and block her. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 No further plans have been made so far. I could do that, but I've been in a position before - hoping for contact and another date without anything materialising, it sucks, I'd like to be honest(ish) rather than a cold fade.. Thanks for that, the thing is though we are compatible! It's just that I'm not at all attracted to her. She would make a great friend. She knows lots of other Portuguese, (as well as Spanish and Italian) girls in the nearest large city to me. I'd love to meet some, but I have no 'way in'! If her interest in me is romantic, suggesting friendship wouldn't be a good idea... Then just tell her you didn't feel enough chemistry to pursue further. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Don't be like one of these flakey women on old who just disappears with no explanation and no regard for other people. Although I will agree with you that one should be as upfront and considerate as possible even if it's declining further engagement with another, I do not agree that women are the only flakey ones disappearing with no explanation or regard. It goes both ways my friend. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
RebelWithoutACause Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 No further plans have been made so far. I could do that, but I've been in a position before - hoping for contact and another date without anything materialising, it sucks, I'd like to be honest(ish) rather than a cold fade.. It depends on the length and the depth of contact before you met irl. Unless you've both invested months, if she never reaches out again then you're off the hook, just don't contact her either, you don't need to explain after one date. For all you know maybe she didn't find you attractive either and she's just a naturally friendly and flirty person. It's a bit presumptuous to contact somebody after one date just say you don't want to see them again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyBug Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 (edited) First off, OP, my advice to you is to act like a man about this. Men aren't supposed to be indirect, evasive or flakey. Those are feminine traits, not masculine ones. You need to tell this girl something like this, "I had a good time, and enjoyed meeting you, but I just don't feel much of an emotional connection and I don't think we should keep dating. Keep looking, and I'm sure you'll find someone who really wants to be with you." That's also the considerate thing to do. Don't be like one of these flakey women on old who just disappears with no explanation and no regard for other people. You don't necessarily treat a woman like you treat another man. I think I'd rather some guy just not contact me than tell me something I may take the wrong way, unless he knows exactly how to say it. At least after a first date, when you don't exactly owe her anything. The OP doesn't know what to say and, even if given advice, might be nervous telling her & not be so smooth. Edited July 31, 2015 by DaisyBug 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mr_dave Posted July 31, 2015 Author Share Posted July 31, 2015 You don't necessarily treat a woman like you treat another man. I think I'd rather some guy just not contact me than tell me something I may take the wrong way, unless he knows exactly how to say it. At least after a first date, when you don't exactly owe her anything. The OP doesn't know what to say and, even if given advice, might be nervous telling her & not be so smooth. Well she has messaged me asking how an event was I went to yesterday. Should I answer, and then say I didn't really feel a spark on the date, even though I had a great time? I don't want to ignore her.. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Well she has messaged me asking how an event was I went to yesterday. Should I answer, and then say I didn't really feel a spark on the date, even though I had a great time? I don't want to ignore her.. If you want to reply to her as a friend, go ahead, and just don't ask her out again. If she asks about another date, tell her you enjoyed meeting her, but don't feel a romantic spark. It's up to you whether you want to keep meeting up with her as friends. She may be open to it, maybe not. I think having opposite sex friends is good way to get out into new environments and meet more romantic prospects. I went out with a guy last year with whom I didn't feel any romantic spark, but we went out for drinks and salsa dancing a few more times. I told him we could be each other's wingman/woman, and he liked that idea. We had fun and were free to mingle with other people. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Imported Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 There's no good way to do this. You 'thinking' she is more interested in you than you are in her is probably gonna be more insulting to her than you doing a cold/slow fade. Just don't call her. Don't agree to anything with her. She'll move on. Eventually. Hopefully. She's gonna be hurt. Or insulted, hurt and angry. Or maybe none of those. Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyBug Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Well she has messaged me asking how an event was I went to yesterday. Should I answer, and then say I didn't really feel a spark on the date, even though I had a great time? I don't want to ignore her.. Oh boy. That's a tough one. I might briefly answer just so you don't sound rude, but not engage her in conversation. If she then asks you directly about going out again, you may have to be gently honest. She sounds like a nice girl. Do you really need to be wowed on the first date? If you're sure there's no potential, fine, but not every great love started off with a million fireworks. In fact, situations like that can burn themselves out pretty quickly. If you really like her personality and get along really well, you never know, a second date may reveal something in her that captures your heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mr_dave Posted July 31, 2015 Author Share Posted July 31, 2015 If you want to reply to her as a friend, go ahead, and just don't ask her out again. If she asks about another date, tell her you enjoyed meeting her, but don't feel a romantic spark. It's up to you whether you want to keep meeting up with her as friends. She may be open to it, maybe not. I think having opposite sex friends is good way to get out into new environments and meet more romantic prospects. I went out with a guy last year with whom I didn't feel any romantic spark, but we went out for drinks and salsa dancing a few more times. I told him we could be each other's wingman/woman, and he liked that idea. We had fun and were free to mingle with other people. Oh boy. That's a tough one. I might briefly answer just so you don't sound rude, but not engage her in conversation. If she then asks you directly about going out again, you may have to be gently honest. She sounds like a nice girl. Do you really need to be wowed on the first date? If you're sure there's no potential, fine, but not every great love started off with a million fireworks. In fact, situations like that can burn themselves out pretty quickly. If you really like her personality and get along really well, you never know, a second date may reveal something in her that captures your heart. Thanks for your replies ladies! I'll reply to her, but I guess I won't bring up another date unless she does. I would meet up with her again if she were happy for it to be platonic, and there were no romantic feelings. To address your point Daisybug, I don't need to be wowed, not at all, but I didn't at any stage feel attraction towards her, or think about her in that way. I'm pretty sure there's no potential unfortunately. She is indeed a really nice girl. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Well she has messaged me asking how an event was I went to yesterday. Should I answer, and then say I didn't really feel a spark on the date, even though I had a great time? I don't want to ignore her.. mr. dave, my advice would be to wait a bit to reply and then tell her how the event was but DON'T engage her. Don't say anything about not feeling chemistry or anything, you only had one date. IF she asks YOU to get together again, THEN you can tell her "sorry, thanks for the invite but I don't feel enough chemistry to pursue further. But I enjoyed meeting you. Good luck and all the best." Something like that. Telling her you don't feel enough chemistry sounds sort of presumptuous since she has not asked you to get together again. JMO on that. If the situation were flipped, that is how I would handle it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tobin Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 Why is it so hard just to be honest and tell her you had a nice time and she's a great girl but you just aren't feeling it? Would it hurt you if someone said that to you? Would you prefer someone just avoid the subject and wait for you to just give up and go away? Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyBug Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 To address your point Daisybug, I don't need to be wowed, not at all, but I didn't at any stage feel attraction towards her, or think about her in that way. I'm pretty sure there's no potential unfortunately. She is indeed a really nice girl. Oh well, that happens!! To bad, because it sounds like there were some fireworks on her end. Better luck next time. You sound like a really sweet guy - hopefully you'll find what you're looking for! Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 Option 1: "Thank you for your time the other night. I really enjoyed it. I'm just not feeling a connection. Best of luck!" Option 2: Or use FF's patented move (paraphrasing here). Sorry FF - I had to share. It is so good 1. Send a text saying how you can't stop thinking about her and can't wait for your next date 2. Send immediate follow up text about how your body is on fire every time you think of her 3. Wait five minutes and send a text like "why aren't you replying!?!?" 4. Wait five minutes and send a text like "are out out with another guy???? Why won't you reply?!?!?" Wait and expect her to send a message like option #1 back to you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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