Moriarti Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 My girlfriend and I live 70 miles away. We spend every weekend with each other (friday-sunday night) and some weekdays. Typically if she has Monday and Tuesday off she will come to me for four or five days straight. We've been dating for 7 1/2 months. She has two young children and shares 50/50 custody with her ex. At about six months she asked me to move in with her. I told her that I wasn't ready for it and that it's not as simple as it would be if we lived closer. She lives far enough away that I would have to change jobs. Over the last few weeks she has brought it up at least a dozen times and we are having arguments about it constantly (four so far). Just tonight she called me on the phone crying that she needs me to move in. That she can't deal with the distance and the constant driving. Our phone conversations devolve into her crying into the phone and me not saying anything. That's because no matter what I say it doesn't seem to matter. If i say that I'm not ready for that step she sees it as me not being committed to her. She has the same response if I say that I typically take things slower and at 7 months i'm not ready. The other day I offered to move closer to her (45 miles away) and get an apartment near the train station. I could take the train to work and therefore keep my job and I'd be 45 minutes from her unlike the current 90 minutes. But she wasn't for it. She wants me to move in. Is she being completely irrational or am I being insensitive to her needs? Link to post Share on other sites
mrldii Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 ...Is she being completely irrational or am I being insensitive to her needs? It could be the former; it doesn't read as if it's the latter. There IS a third option, yanno...that it's pretty danged expensive raising two kids, getting no child support (50/50 custody, riiiight?), paying for gas/fare to come see you AND paying rent on the first...which is 2 days away. You've stated you're not comfortable making such a drastic move so soon, which also includes giving up your job. It is NEVER a good sign when at a crossroads in a relationship one turns to the other and says, "If you loved me, you'd _____" (or words to that effect). That's what she's doing and you're in a position to *train* her as to whether that kind of emotional B.S. will work or not. Good luck with your decision, OP... Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Neither I think. You're not wrong for wanting to keep your job and she's not wrong for wanting someone who's eventually going to become her full fledged partner. And almost 8 months is probably enough time to figure out if you want to go in that direction or not. I guess you just have to decide if she's worth it or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Qboro90 Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 How old are the two of you? In my opinion her being so demanding of you moving in after only 7.5 months is pretty absurd. This is a red flag and a big one as I see it. Do you help her out financially at all? Could she be trying to establish a steady set of income for her household rather than for the sake of the relationship? If that's the case then get out now because she's going to cause way more harm in the future. The fact that she expects you to literally uproot your life, change jobs, and move to her after less than a year together is not only irrational, it's inconsiderate as well. If you don't want to move there now and aren't ready, DO NOT make the decision to move. If you do and in 5 months you realize you made a bad decision then you're stuck and unable to get out. She has 2 kids also. Moving in with her now is basically saying "we're going to get married and I'm going to be a step dad in the near future". That's crazy to commit to after 7.5 months. Absolutely crazy. Tell her that you looked into it and there are no positions open at this time for you to switch jobs. That makes it out of your control and she can't do anything to change it. She seems like bad news if she moves this fast and wants commitment of this level in such a short period of time dating. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
xcupid Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Why aren't you ready to move in with her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moriarti Posted July 31, 2015 Author Share Posted July 31, 2015 How old are the two of you? In my opinion her being so demanding of you moving in after only 7.5 months is pretty absurd. This is a red flag and a big one as I see it. Do you help her out financially at all? Could she be trying to establish a steady set of income for her household rather than for the sake of the relationship? If that's the case then get out now because she's going to cause way more harm in the future. The fact that she expects you to literally uproot your life, change jobs, and move to her after less than a year together is not only irrational, it's inconsiderate as well. If you don't want to move there now and aren't ready, DO NOT make the decision to move. If you do and in 5 months you realize you made a bad decision then you're stuck and unable to get out. She has 2 kids also. Moving in with her now is basically saying "we're going to get married and I'm going to be a step dad in the near future". That's crazy to commit to after 7.5 months. Absolutely crazy. Tell her that you looked into it and there are no positions open at this time for you to switch jobs. That makes it out of your control and she can't do anything to change it. She seems like bad news if she moves this fast and wants commitment of this level in such a short period of time dating. We are both in our 30's. No, I don't help her out financially. She makes more money than I do. So, it's not financial for her. It's an emotional thing. She wants me in her bed every night. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Typically if she has Monday and Tuesday off she will come to me for four or five days straight. Just tonight she called me on the phone crying that she needs me to move in. That she can't deal with the distance and the constant driving. Is she doing all the driving, then? Would she be more amenable to the distance if you alternated the travel instead? I mean, honestly, it WOULD be extremely tiring for someone to drive a 3 hr round trip every single week for 7+ months. It's understandable that she's tired of it. But if she can't accept your half-distance compromise WITH alternate traveling, then I would think she's being inflexible and inconsiderate. Link to post Share on other sites
Qboro90 Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 If she wants you in her bed every night and that's the reason then you already know she's not gonna break up with you. You have the upper hand here because she's expressing how much she wants you in her future and being way to demanding about it. Tell her if she loves you that much she will be willing to bear with you a little longer and the distance so that you can find a more reasonable solution besides changing jobs and moving to her. If she really cares about you shell stick with you. If she's going to break up with you over this at 7.5 months then consider yourself lucky you get out now rather than 4 years down the road. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moriarti Posted July 31, 2015 Author Share Posted July 31, 2015 Is she doing all the driving, then? Would she be more amenable to the distance if you alternated the travel instead? I mean, honestly, it WOULD be extremely tiring for someone to drive a 3 hr round trip every single week for 7+ months. It's understandable that she's tired of it. But if she can't accept your half-distance compromise WITH alternate traveling, then I would think she's being inflexible and inconsiderate. Most months it's 50/50. In the early stages of the relationship before she introduced me to her kids she did 100% of the driving. Link to post Share on other sites
CalvinM Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 My girlfriend and I live 70 miles away. We spend every weekend with each other (friday-sunday night) and some weekdays. Typically if she has Monday and Tuesday off she will come to me for four or five days straight. We've been dating for 7 1/2 months. She has two young children and shares 50/50 custody with her ex. At about six months she asked me to move in with her. I told her that I wasn't ready for it and that it's not as simple as it would be if we lived closer. She lives far enough away that I would have to change jobs. Over the last few weeks she has brought it up at least a dozen times and we are having arguments about it constantly (four so far). Just tonight she called me on the phone crying that she needs me to move in. That she can't deal with the distance and the constant driving. Our phone conversations devolve into her crying into the phone and me not saying anything. That's because no matter what I say it doesn't seem to matter. If i say that I'm not ready for that step she sees it as me not being committed to her. She has the same response if I say that I typically take things slower and at 7 months i'm not ready. The other day I offered to move closer to her (45 miles away) and get an apartment near the train station. I could take the train to work and therefore keep my job and I'd be 45 minutes from her unlike the current 90 minutes. But she wasn't for it. She wants me to move in. Is she being completely irrational or am I being insensitive to her needs? You made a compromise, she wasn't willing to entertain it. That's a red flag, imo. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 At only 7 months in I can understand why you are unwilling to go play house with her & her kids, even more so since you would have to change jobs. I don't understand why she's pushing so hard & unwilling to accept the compromise you offered in the short term. Her inflexibility worries me. Proceed with caution. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
StellaGrace Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 That is a really short amount of time. And wow - that's a huge emotional responsibility to consider - a new girlfriend AND her two kids by a former marriage. I guess I don't really understand why so many people who post here don't feel the right to look out for themselves - it's like "should I do this thing I don't want to that she/he wants me to do in order to keep them?" Seriously, how can that lead to a successful long-term committed relationship if the other person is completely subsuming their own wants and desires to keep the peace? If it were me, I'd move on... not because she wants you in her home, but because she is so screwed up with her own insecurity and fear she is incapable of being a partner who can hear you and respect your needs as well. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 The way I see it, there's 5 options: 1) Move in with her. That means you change job which you don't want to do, quite reasonably IMO, after only 7.5 months dating. 2) She moves in with you. Seems unlikely, it would mean she has to change jobs, uproot the kids, etc. I doubt she would agree to that. Plus the kids father would probably object to her moving 90 mins away. 3) Get a new house together somewhere you can both commute. You get to live together, both get to keep your jobs, kids keep their school and friends. Certainly seems like the best option but it's a big commitment after only 7.5 months, and may not be financially viable. 4) Carry on living apart (either staying where you are or moving closer) - but she has already rejected this option. 5) Split up. So it seems 3 and 5 are the only viable choices here..... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 OP, do you think it's normal for a single mom of 2 kids to invite in her home a man she has known for just 7 months and has a light LDR with ? At the risk of rising the ire of some LS poster who reads it ... someone who does this either has poor boundaries or is just plain crass [to not say low class, bad education ... etc]. Add to this her emotional reasoning behind this [which is why she said a loud NO to your logical offering], and you just found out something very interesting and potentially bad about her. That it's quite likely that she puts her emotional needs above the practical reality of her kids. That her emotional needs outweigh what others want or are ready to offer. Pay very close attention at how she handles this situation ... If he wises up, thinks with her logical mind, you have a woman you might want to marry. If she continues to push for this, continues causing arguments, and is essentially emotionally blackmailing and bulling you into this, to the point where you have anxiety when dealing with her ... and this is how she will treat you in a relationship, and probably one of the reasons why she was single mom of 2 when you met her. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 You are being emotionally manipulated into doing something you are not comfortable doing. Don't buy into that. One snap of the fingers and your kicked out and have a job you don't want. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
giblesp Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 My girlfriend and I live 70 miles away. We spend every weekend with each other (friday-sunday night) and some weekdays. Typically if she has Monday and Tuesday off she will come to me for four or five days straight. We've been dating for 7 1/2 months. She has two young children and shares 50/50 custody with her ex. At about six months she asked me to move in with her. I told her that I wasn't ready for it and that it's not as simple as it would be if we lived closer. She lives far enough away that I would have to change jobs. Over the last few weeks she has brought it up at least a dozen times and we are having arguments about it constantly (four so far). Just tonight she called me on the phone crying that she needs me to move in. That she can't deal with the distance and the constant driving. Our phone conversations devolve into her crying into the phone and me not saying anything. That's because no matter what I say it doesn't seem to matter. If i say that I'm not ready for that step she sees it as me not being committed to her. She has the same response if I say that I typically take things slower and at 7 months i'm not ready. The other day I offered to move closer to her (45 miles away) and get an apartment near the train station. I could take the train to work and therefore keep my job and I'd be 45 minutes from her unlike the current 90 minutes. But she wasn't for it. She wants me to move in. Is she being completely irrational or am I being insensitive to her needs? Irony being, if you compromise yourself to keep her happy, she'll disrespect you for it and lose some attraction for you. You are committed, your in touch with yourself by saying you're not ready. Moving somewhere where you can keep your job and see her, is more than reasonable. If you're happy with your job and its making you happy, that's what's making your relationship happen also. Lose that, and the relationship eventually go's. I've found that if you give into women and give them everything, they then complain that your too available, no mystery about you etc. They never lose attraction for a man who puts himself and his happiness first, and then makes her happy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Break up with her. It's a no-win situation for you. You will either: - Move in with her and possibly resent changing jobs and uprooting yourself - Or say no and she'll either get mad, break up, or hold that over your head You can't blame her for trying. But at 7 months, that's WAY too soon for her to want to play house. I see red flags abounding, specially since you offered a middle of the road solution and she wants it her way or no way. Choose no way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
giblesp Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 You are being emotionally manipulated into doing something you are not comfortable doing. Don't buy into that. One snap of the fingers and your kicked out and have a job you don't want. Take this on board. Less than 8 months isn't enough time to know someone. Yeah, one snap of the fingers and your homeless and in a different job you may not like. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Wayyyyyy too soon for a woman with kids to want a man living with her. RED!!!! FLAG!!!!!! Very irresponsible. Poor kids. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Whoa, you don't move in after only dating for 7 1/2 months...and her having kids? All she is looking for is a gravy train to arrive at her door step. This long distance thing has come to an end.....she's not in it for love hun....RUN! Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Over the last few weeks she has brought it up at least a dozen times and we are having arguments about it constantly (four so far). Just tonight she called me on the phone crying that she needs me to move in. That she can't deal with the distance and the constant driving. Our phone conversations devolve into her crying into the phone and me not saying anything. ^^This is what would concern me more than anything. Crying jags because you are not ready to move in with her? Really? That's over the top IMO and indicates a lack of maturity and ability to cope. It also strikes me as manipulation.... Many women have been taught to cry to get their way, and unfortunately men fall for it....which is when the trouble begins. Huge red flag right there dude.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Six months is too soon to move in. I wait two years. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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