seeingthisguy Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 Hey everyone, I'm in need of some advice. I've been dating this guy for 6 months; in the beginning, things were amazing. He was always around, always wanted to see me, initiated dates...etc. I made him wait a good 9 dates before we actually slept together, because I wasn't sure I wanted to dive in just yet. He stuck around, things moved forward. About 2 months ago, he told me he hadn't been and wouldn't be sleeping with anyone else. Great. We're at that stage now though where people are asking us if we're "official", are we "boyfriend and girlfriend", etc. I know neither of us is sleeping around, but we haven't had "THE TALK" yet. To boot, all of the noise my friends are making is driving me nuts. One girlfriend even decided to corner him and ask him what the deal was (I was choked, not her place at all in my opinion). Now though, I feel like I'm a foot note in his schedule. To be fair, he works ALL the time (he's in the restaurant industry), and clocks 14 hour days. But I feel like he's not even making an effort now, whereas not so long ago he was always making the effort. It takes him forever to text me back. And when I ask him if everything is okay, he gives me the, "Of course I'm not ignoring you," and "I could never be mad at you, why do you ask?" I like him a lot, and when I do see him things are amazing. But lately, I feel like I'm not a priority. After 6 months of dating and sleeping together, I feel like we need to have a very frank discussion. And if something is wrong, I don't know why he won't just talk to me (we were friends for nearly 3 years prior to dating). What do I do? Do I back off for a bit (and give him some space, maybe he's freaking out?), or do I confront him? Thanks all... Link to post Share on other sites
mrldii Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 ...What do I do? Do I back off for a bit (and give him some space, maybe he's freaking out?), or do I confront him? ... I'd do both. I'd remind him that, when we first got together, the time, effort, and energy in invested in *us* was what attracted me to him and made me agree to being in an exclusive relationship. Now, he has unilaterally changed the parameters and has decided that being an *us* means me being put on a shelf to be taken down when he has the time and inclination to play with me. While I still enjoy spending time with him, he will no longer be exclusively receiving my time and attention. If, in the future, he finds the time/inclination to return to giving me what it is I am looking for in an exclusive relationship, I'll be happy to re-address it. And then, I'd do just that: begin dating others and when he's available at a time that I, too, am available and he would like to go on a date [not just get together to sit and watch a movie on my sofa and then go f*ck], I'd go out and have a good time with him, just like we did at Stage 1. Because we are at Stage 1, because that's all he can give. I don't continue in "exclusive relationships" that start as one thing and then jump-shift to something else, without my ever being consulted. He did, after all, consult with you before getting exclusive, no? Best of luck to you, OP... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author seeingthisguy Posted July 31, 2015 Author Share Posted July 31, 2015 I'd do both. I'd remind him that, when we first got together, the time, effort, and energy in invested in *us* was what attracted me to him and made me agree to being in an exclusive relationship. Now, he has unilaterally changed the parameters and has decided that being an *us* means me being put on a shelf to be taken down when he has the time and inclination to play with me. While I still enjoy spending time with him, he will no longer be exclusively receiving my time and attention. If, in the future, he finds the time/inclination to return to giving me what it is I am looking for in an exclusive relationship, I'll be happy to re-address it. And then, I'd do just that: begin dating others and when he's available at a time that I, too, am available and he would like to go on a date [not just get together to sit and watch a movie on my sofa and then go f*ck], I'd go out and have a good time with him, just like we did at Stage 1. Because we are at Stage 1, because that's all he can give. I don't continue in "exclusive relationships" that start as one thing and then jump-shift to something else, without my ever being consulted. He did, after all, consult with you before getting exclusive, no? Best of luck to you, OP... For the record, I love this answer. You nailed it. I just feel like sex to him now. I've stopped trying to make plans because I feel like he's always got something better to do (unless of course it involves him needing to rip my clothes off, in which case he'll text first). Not a good feeling. Link to post Share on other sites
PogoStick Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Why wouldn't you talk to him? Why don't you think he should know how you are feeling? Do you expect him to read your mind? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
xcupid Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 He's not freaking out. He's taking you for granted. Seems like you're his booty call. And that's not a relationship. Time to talk to him, tell him what you want, and see if he can deliver. You have to be happy in the relationship too. At least give him a chance to step up before looking at other options. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Qboro90 Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Agree with the first reply whole heartily. Quick addition tho. Seems a bit like you wait for him to reach out to ask you to do things as a test instead of just initiating it yourself. If you know he works 14 hr days then why not tell him you'll meet him at his house after he finishes up because you want to see him? Can't put all the blame on him Link to post Share on other sites
Author seeingthisguy Posted July 31, 2015 Author Share Posted July 31, 2015 Lately I've been doing all of the initiating, and he's always got some version of an "I'm super busy" excuse lined up to feed me. I feel stupid at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
Qboro90 Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 If that's the case then you should pull away and distance yourself a bit. See what he does. If he goes over a day without contacting you then he's not into you and you should break it off. If a guy likes and wants to be with you he will contact you daily. Link to post Share on other sites
flashed Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 The first reply is terrible advice. OP sometimes people go full throttle in the beginning and feel they need to take a step back to get a little breathing room. Most cases these come without much warning. Best thing to do is communicate exactly how you feel and listen to his response and try to meet on some middle ground so you both can thrive and carry on. Or you can take the other advice and start cheating as soon as you feel slighted in any way 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Hey everyone, I'm in need of some advice. I've been dating this guy for 6 months; in the beginning, things were amazing. He was always around, always wanted to see me, initiated dates...etc. I made him wait a good 9 dates before we actually slept together, because I wasn't sure I wanted to dive in just yet. He stuck around, things moved forward. About 2 months ago, he told me he hadn't been and wouldn't be sleeping with anyone else. Great. We're at that stage now though where people are asking us if we're "official", are we "boyfriend and girlfriend", etc. I know neither of us is sleeping around, but we haven't had "THE TALK" yet. To boot, all of the noise my friends are making is driving me nuts. One girlfriend even decided to corner him and ask him what the deal was (I was choked, not her place at all in my opinion). Now though, I feel like I'm a foot note in his schedule. To be fair, he works ALL the time (he's in the restaurant industry), and clocks 14 hour days. But I feel like he's not even making an effort now, whereas not so long ago he was always making the effort. It takes him forever to text me back. And when I ask him if everything is okay, he gives me the, "Of course I'm not ignoring you," and "I could never be mad at you, why do you ask?" I like him a lot, and when I do see him things are amazing. But lately, I feel like I'm not a priority. After 6 months of dating and sleeping together, I feel like we need to have a very frank discussion. And if something is wrong, I don't know why he won't just talk to me (we were friends for nearly 3 years prior to dating). What do I do? Do I back off for a bit (and give him some space, maybe he's freaking out?), or do I confront him? Thanks all... Yes, you back off some. Stop initiating. Let him do most of the initiating for a bit. Respond in a timely and balanced manner but don't initiate. Next time he asks to see you though, you open a very casual, light conversation and say something like "I've been enjoying the time we been spending together over the last 6 months (and list some things you've enjoyed and things you like about him). I am not dating anyone else now nor do I want to anymore. I am looking for a long-term relationship for myself and am happy with our relationship at this point." You can tell him he can take some time if he wants to think about things if he seems hesitant or caught off guard. Then, wait for him to initiate again. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 You can't threat someone to go outside the relationship each time the going gets tough. If she is unhappy in what has become their relationship than she has to speak up. No game playing such as *not initiating *and give him space. It's not like they're starting to date, they have a well established exclusive relationship. Talk to him. Tell him you are not happy in this relationship as it stands. Does he want to put in some efforts and continue with it or he wants to end it. If you see no change, end it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 You can't threat someone to go outside the relationship each time the going gets tough. If she is unhappy in what has become their relationship than she has to speak up. No game playing such as *not initiating *and give him space. It's not like they're starting to date, they have a well established exclusive relationship. Talk to him. Tell him you are not happy in this relationship as it stands. Does he want to put in some efforts and continue with it or he wants to end it. If you see no change, end it. No one threatened to go outside of the relationship. They are at the point where the relationship needs to be defined for her. They have been exclusive, the next stage if BF/GF. But she should not pressure him. Simply state what she wants for herself and then let him tell her he wants that with her. She herself noted that he works long hours, etc. and making assumptions as to what is going on. She has no idea what's going on. If she approaches it as if he is backing away and that is not truly the case, she will tip the scale to the other side. She should mirror his behavior at least. That is not game playing. It's about balance and non-pressuring and coming from a place of strength and security in herself. Becoming demanding and pushing him, will push him away for sure if he is maybe on the fence. Being centered allows for him to fall on whatever side of the fence he is actually considering. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 No one threatened to go outside of the relationship. They are at the point where the relationship needs to be defined for her. They have been exclusive, the next stage if BF/GF. But she should not pressure him. Simply state what she wants for herself and then let him tell her he wants that with her. She herself noted that he works long hours, etc. and making assumptions as to what is going on. She has no idea what's going on. If she approaches it as if he is backing away and that is not truly the case, she will tip the scale to the other side. She should mirror his behavior at least. That is not game playing. It's about balance and non-pressuring and coming from a place of strength and security in herself. Becoming demanding and pushing him, will push him away for sure if he is maybe on the fence. Being centered allows for him to fall on whatever side of the fence he is actually considering. You really see men as weak and fragile little beings who's feelings need to be handled like those of toddlers. She gave this man 6 months of her life, he can take the heat. Let him come on his own?? again referring to men as scared little animals you need to attract with pieces of food. Mirroring someone IS playing games. Any type of modifying your own behavior to get a reaction out of someone IS a game. I said to talk to him. To let him know she is unhappy as the relationship stands now. Men aren't good at picking up on cue like *not calling and *mirroring. You have to tell them point blank <I am unhappy with what our relationship has become because of A-B-C> 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 You really see men as weak and fragile little beings who's feelings need to be handled like those of toddlers. She gave this man 6 months of her life, he can take the heat. Let him come on his own?? again referring to men as scared little animals you need to attract with pieces of food. Mirroring someone IS playing games. Any type of modifying your own behavior to get a reaction out of someone IS a game. I said to talk to him. To let him know she is unhappy as the relationship stands now. Men aren't good at picking up on cue like *not calling and *mirroring. You have to tell them point blank <I am unhappy with what our relationship has become because of A-B-C> Gaeta, I won't comment on your "approach" . . . except to say there are tons of posts from you about why things don't work for you. She can and should talk to him but not from a position of weakness, anger, frustration, etc. or assumptions. And, "she gave him 6 months of her life" -- that is about entitlement. She is not entitled to have a relationship with him. This guy has been doing pretty well by her and now there's a blip that she has know idea as to what's what. She should get clarity, yes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 She can and should talk to him but not from a position of weakness, anger, frustration, etc. or assumptions. And, "she gave him 6 months of her life" -- that is about entitlement. She is not entitled to have a relationship with him. This guy has been doing pretty well by her and now there's a blip that she has know idea as to what's what. She should get clarity, yes. Position of weakness? anger? frustration? and assumptions? Where did you read that in my reply to her? How is it weak to know what you want and to express it? I said nowhere to confront him, I said to TALK to him Where did I assume? nowhere. I said to talk to him, again, to express what she wants and then to listen to him. I have only advocate to TALK to him. Nothing else. You advocate game playing with suggesting distance and mirroring. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PogoStick Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 She should mirror his behavior at least. That is not game playing. It's about balance and non-pressuring and coming from a place of strength and security in herself. Becoming demanding and pushing him, will push him away for sure if he is maybe on the fence. Being centered allows for him to fall on whatever side of the fence he is actually considering. That is how you deal with someone after the 3rd date, not a 6 month relationship. It's manipulative and passive-aggressive. That is not how a relationship is managed. She should tell him plainly and clearly what she needs from a relationship, and ask what he wants. Then they decide, like adults, whether they can meet on common ground. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Position of weakness? anger? frustration? and assumptions? Where did you read that in my reply to her? How is it weak to know what you want and to express it? I said nowhere to confront him, I said to TALK to him Where did I assume? nowhere. I said to talk to him, again, to express what she wants and then to listen to him. I have only advocate to TALK to him. Nothing else. You advocate game playing with suggesting distance and mirroring. You call it game playing, I call it balanced, centered, focused and not playing into his possible "game". If he's backing off and not talking to her, she can't force him to talk to her. She needs to be 'open" and create that environment. She's the one who is assuming that he may be backing off, but she doesn't really know. His last response to her was a positive one at least. Approaching this from a position of not really knowing or understanding what's going on is about weakness and insecurity. I said to talk to him, again, to express what she wants and then to listen to him. -- That is what I told her to do as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 That is how you deal with someone after the 3rd date, not a 6 month relationship. It's manipulative and passive-aggressive. That is not how a relationship is managed. She should tell him plainly and clearly what she needs from a relationship, and ask what he wants. Then they decide, like adults, whether they can meet on common ground. Respect, balance and openness should start from the first date and go all the way through a relationship. She should respect the fact that he has been doing fine by her up to this point. And, I told her to do just what you've said, talk to him when she gets that opportunity. She doesn't even know what's going on. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 A simple answer to most issues..."communication". It's a no brainer. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 (edited) You call it game playing, I call it balanced, centered, focused and not playing into his possible "game". If he's backing off and not talking to her, she can't force him to talk to her. She needs to be 'open" and create that environment. I highlight this just to show how you see games everywhere. You don't call distancing and mirroring being games BUT you think it's the right behavior just in case he's playing games. The right way to not play games and to not fall in someone's game is to be yourself, open, honest, genuine and crystal clear on what you want in a relationship. Edited July 31, 2015 by Gaeta 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 OP Having worked 14/15 hours a day every day for a long period of time I can tell you this. When you meet someone its great and you want to spend as much time with them as possible but at some point you are going to be exhausted. Its impossible to keep it up when you are working those hours. On top of that he works in an industry that is very fast paced and demands concentration all the time... I think you just need to talk to him. Tell him how you are feeling but do not threaten to go else where. If someone did that to me while I am working long hours my answer would be to tell them not to come back. By threatening that you are showing a very selfish side which is not what I get the impression you wish to do. How about concentrating on your friends a bit more so you are not so worried if he is working late or doesn't get the chance to respond for a few hours. Ask him to spend some quality time with you so its not just sex all the time. Go out and do things together that do not involve your pants being removed! I think its all just a bit overwhelming for him if I am honest... 6 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 I've been dating this guy for 6 months; in the beginning, things were amazing. He was always around, always wanted to see me, initiated dates...etc. I made him wait a good 9 dates before we actually slept together, because I wasn't sure I wanted to dive in just yet. He stuck around, things moved forward. That was when you needed to have had a talk with him. Long before now. You have unexpressed expectations of him reading your mind and automatically divining that he's on the same page as you. He's working some crazy hours, so yeah---his ability to provide for himself is kind of a priority, especially when you've chosen not to approach him to have a talk. Seems to me that waiting 9 dates to have sex should have been about you determining what his intentions were as far a you and a committed/exclusive relationship are concerned. I don't think he's using you or taking advantage of you at all. You went down the path thinking one way and he went down the path thinking another and neither of you stopped and asked the other in what direction the other was going. Instead of stewing about it, you need to have a talk with him and prepare yourself for him telling you that right now, he doesn't have the time to devote to a relationship because that could very well come out of his mouth. Might not, but it could. Determine what you're going to do if it does before hand. Link to post Share on other sites
Author seeingthisguy Posted July 31, 2015 Author Share Posted July 31, 2015 Position of weakness? anger? frustration? and assumptions? Where did you read that in my reply to her? How is it weak to know what you want and to express it? I said nowhere to confront him, I said to TALK to him Where did I assume? nowhere. I said to talk to him, again, to express what she wants and then to listen to him. I have only advocate to TALK to him. Nothing else. You advocate game playing with suggesting distance and mirroring. You have all been super helpful. I have an update. So I decided enough game playing. I hate doing things over text (HATE IT), but since it's been so difficult to get onto his schedule, i decided enough is enough. I sent him a text last night saying that I really like him, he's not just some booty call to me, and if that's all he's looking for then no hard feelings, but I need to walk. As predicted, he responded saying he doesn't like doing things like this over text. I agreed whole-heartedly, but noted that getting his time lately was like jumping through rings of fire. He said "let's meet for coffee Monday and talk before I go to work... Also, there's an event happening next month at my work, would you like to go together?" Mind. Blown. Ladies and gentlemen. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
nadine5 Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Not pressure him!? Are you guys being serious?! This girl has been dating this guy for SIX MONTHS. She needs a title, she needs it now, and if she doesn't get it, she needs to move on. That is ridiculous. OP, you need to sit down with this dude and have an adult conversation. Make sure you note the positives in your relationship... you love this, you love that, you enjoy your time together... but there needs to be an ultimatum here. Let him know that you want to be in a relationship with him and that you're not going to let this continue another six months without it. Stand up for yourself, girl. At least you will know how he feels about it and you can move on if you don't get the answer you want, instead of wasting another six months of your life on someone who doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. It's going to suck if you don't get the answer you want but you need to either get what you want or walk away. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 You have all been super helpful. I have an update. So I decided enough game playing. I hate doing things over text (HATE IT), but since it's been so difficult to get onto his schedule, i decided enough is enough. I sent him a text last night saying that I really like him, he's not just some booty call to me, and if that's all he's looking for then no hard feelings, but I need to walk. As predicted, he responded saying he doesn't like doing things like this over text. I agreed whole-heartedly, but noted that getting his time lately was like jumping through rings of fire. He said "let's meet for coffee Monday and talk before I go to work... Also, there's an event happening next month at my work, would you like to go together?" Mind. Blown. Ladies and gentlemen. Thoughts? Coffee before work? Monday? That sounds so....impersonal. Would you know of any reasons why he cannot meet over the weekend? Why he cannot drop by your place instead of a coffee in public? Link to post Share on other sites
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