IronZ Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 I'll try to keep this short: Met a great girl, thought we had a lot in common, but it ended up being only physical for me. First date went great (ended in sex - which she initiated) but I just don't see us being together. She was way more into me than I was into her and I could tell by the signs. She wanted a second date tonight (probably more sex with it) but I made an excuse to being busy knowing that it would just be leading her on. She seems infatuated by me. Ga-ga texts me all day with flirty and cutesy messages and pics. I have tried to ease up on it a bit but I don't want to disappear completely on her like some girls have done to me. I absolutely hate when that happens and I know it would hurt her a lot. Here's the dilemma, I know I eventually have to break things off cleanly but I know that she will be very hurt by it. She is 6 years younger than me (early 20s) and doesn't seem as emotionally stable to handle something like that. That's actually one of the reasons I don't see this working out, our maturity levels just didn't match up. I want to let her down easy. I would offer her my friendship if she wanted it but I have a feeling it would hurt her more having me around. What to do in a situation like this? Link to post Share on other sites
Maleficent Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 Now she obviously thinks you like her and you have to tell her you don't. You know, when someone initiates sex, you don't have to go for it... 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Cinnimon Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 If the way you have described things are true she is going to feel rejected which hurts. BUT I hope you just come out and tell her, basically like you just told us, no slow fade, no " I'll still be your friend" ( if she only wanted to be friends , she wouldn't have had sex with you) Just cut clean and move on. I know it's hard but don't make it harder on her because you don't want it to be hard for you. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
casey.lives Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 hey girls, go through this ALL the time. let her learn. you win some; you loose some. Let her real friends do carry this, if it's even a situation.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IronZ Posted July 30, 2015 Author Share Posted July 30, 2015 Right I know that. Heat of the moment.. things were going well, she was very attractive. Something just clicked in that sense for both of us physically and it happened. Am I upset it happened? Not at all. We had a wonderful time and she really enjoyed herself, but that's where the connection ended for me. I gave it a fair shot and it just isn't going to work for me. I do feel bad about that I never intended on hurting her or leading her on. I just went on this one date and things took off. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IronZ Posted July 30, 2015 Author Share Posted July 30, 2015 If the way you have described things are true she is going to feel rejected which hurts. BUT I hope you just come out and tell her, basically like you just told us, no slow fade, no " I'll still be your friend" ( if she only wanted to be friends , she wouldn't have had sex with you) Just cut clean and move on. I know it's hard but don't make it harder on her because you don't want it to be hard for you. Good luck. Yeah you're totally right about this, it shouldn't be on me to keep her happy. She does have friends to lean on. I guess that makes it a little easier but I've been hurt so many times in the dating world that it's made me very empathetic to others. I don't want to hurt anyone. I need to just rip the bandaid off. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 I'll try to keep this short: Met a great girl, thought we had a lot in common, but it ended up being only physical for me. First date went great (ended in sex - which she initiated) but I just don't see us being together. She was way more into me than I was into her and I could tell by the signs. She wanted a second date tonight (probably more sex with it) but I made an excuse to being busy knowing that it would just be leading her on. She seems infatuated by me. Ga-ga texts me all day with flirty and cutesy messages and pics. I have tried to ease up on it a bit but I don't want to disappear completely on her like some girls have done to me. I absolutely hate when that happens and I know it would hurt her a lot. Here's the dilemma, I know I eventually have to break things off cleanly but I know that she will be very hurt by it. She is 6 years younger than me (early 20s) and doesn't seem as emotionally stable to handle something like that. That's actually one of the reasons I don't see this working out, our maturity levels just didn't match up. I want to let her down easy. I would offer her my friendship if she wanted it but I have a feeling it would hurt her more having me around. What to do in a situation like this? It was only one date. Its not your job to manage her emotions. She's young and had maybe her first one night stand. Let her learn to keep it in her pants and manage her emotions and expectations and not get so invested so early. I have very little sympathy for women who jump into bed with a man and getting all emotional and blaming him for "using" them. Just don't communicate with her anymore. There's nothing to end. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author IronZ Posted July 30, 2015 Author Share Posted July 30, 2015 It was only one date. Its not your job to manage her emotions. She's young and had maybe her first one night stand. Let her learn to keep it in her pants and manage her emotions and expectations and not get so invested so early. I have very little sympathy for women who jump into bed with a man and getting all emotional and blaming him for "using" them. Just don't communicate with her anymore. There's nothing to end. I have to disagree with you on the "there's nothing to end" part. We have been texting strongly for over a week. I wouldn't really categorize this as a one night stand because in some regards, we both expected it to keep going. Also I never "used" her. I didn't initiate the sex, she did. I did go along with it but in that moment things were going well. I didn't expect to have a long heart to heart with myself and realize things aren't going anywhere. If it was just about the sex for me I would be going out with her again tonight because it's guaranteed. Instead I'm avoiding her at all costs. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 I have to disagree with you on the "there's nothing to end" part. We have been texting strongly for over a week. I wouldn't really categorize this as a one night stand because in some regards, we both expected it to keep going. Also I never "used" her. I didn't initiate the sex, she did. I did go along with it but in that moment things were going well. I didn't expect to have a long heart to heart with myself and realize things aren't going anywhere. If it was just about the sex for me I would be going out with her again tonight because it's guaranteed. Instead I'm avoiding her at all costs. A week of texting is n o t h i n g. You owe her n o t h i n g. And, i didnt say you used her. You said she is immature. I'm telling you she will likely get all emotional and may actually put that on you. Its possible. Not only that, she is likely just putting out so fast and often because she thinks thats the way to get a man. Dont go with her again. If you have to say anything, just tell her you dont think you two are a good match. End of story. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author IronZ Posted July 30, 2015 Author Share Posted July 30, 2015 A week of texting is n o t h i n g. You owe her n o t h i n g. And, i didnt say you used her. You said she is immature. I'm telling you she will likely get all emotional and may actually put that on you. Its possible. Not only that, she is likely just putting out so fast and often because she thinks thats the way to get a man. Dont go with her again. If you have to say anything, just tell her you dont think you two are a good match. End of story. I see your point.. in a sense I am completely expecting her to try to put it all on me and act emotional. She is very young. From what I gathered she wasn't very experienced with relationships. I guess she saw me as a mature "man" and wanted something different than the guys she usually dates. I can't blame her for that but we just weren't a good fit. Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 Nice, realizing you weren't that into her "after" sex happened... Look, I know in the heat of the moment no man is going to kick a naked woman out of his. Bed, but I still think you wanted nooky and took advantage of this girl. I hope you now see the results of pain that it's going to cause this girl. I mean, you were the experienced and mature party here...just cuz some naive, stupid girl throws herself at you, I'd hope you and other men would be a gentleman and show restraint. But, now we're here... IMO, this is a moment where being frank is needed. All break-up sucks, but like in a tread I posted in the other day, I believe you are doing a disservice to her if you do not lay it all out for her...Cuz, the more truth you tell, the better tools she has to do better next time around. Now, IMO, there's a big difference between being "frank" and "rude/hurtful" To be "frank" tell here the truth - which is, you should have restrained yourself from having sex with her because when you have sex w/o taking time to get to know someone, "feelings" based on the biological bonding will develop (like she and other females have) when you two don't even know each other and you realized that you two are not a match. Then please, apologize to her and let her know this experience has taught you to be more cautious with a female's heart - which bonds after sex happens. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 Tell her the truth and be there for her for the fallout. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author IronZ Posted July 30, 2015 Author Share Posted July 30, 2015 Nice, realizing you weren't that into her "after" sex happened... Talk about not sounding condescending there Gloria... Link to post Share on other sites
Cinnimon Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 She is sitting there wondering what the heck happened, why is he avoiding me like the plague, did I do something wrong, say something wrong...... You've probably been there. It's horrible. Let her off the hook. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IronZ Posted July 31, 2015 Author Share Posted July 31, 2015 She is sitting there wondering what the heck happened, why is he avoiding me like the plague, did I do something wrong, say something wrong...... You've probably been there. It's horrible. Let her off the hook. I have not been avoiding her. Please read my posts carefully. I am still talking to her but backing off a little bit and not flirting with her. I want to let her down gently. Link to post Share on other sites
fitnessfan365 Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 I have not been avoiding her. Please read my posts carefully. I am still talking to her but backing off a little bit and not flirting with her. I want to let her down gently. I was actually on your side until this post. You had the date, tested the waters, and it isn't for you. Fair enough. But this "not letting her down gently" fade you're doing is misleading. It's better just to be honest and cut the chord dude. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author IronZ Posted July 31, 2015 Author Share Posted July 31, 2015 I was actually on your side until this post. You had the date, tested the waters, and it isn't for you. Fair enough. But this "not letting her down gently" fade you're doing is misleading. It's better just to be honest and cut the chord dude. By letting her down gently I meant back up a little bit so we're not all lovey dovey with each other and then telling her in a nice way that it wouldn't work. I didn't mean disappear on her. Link to post Share on other sites
fitnessfan365 Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 By letting her down gently I meant back up a little bit so we're not all lovey dovey with each other and then telling her in a nice way that it wouldn't work. I didn't mean disappear on her. You're still kind of stringing her along though by delaying the inevitable. The longer you wait, the harder it will actually be on her. That's why it'd be better just to be tactfully honest ASAP. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Cinnimon Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 I have to disagree with you on the "there's nothing to end" part. We have been texting strongly for over a week. I wouldn't really categorize this as a one night stand because in some regards, we both expected it to keep going. Also I never "used" her. I didn't initiate the sex, she did. I did go along with it but in that moment things were going well. I didn't expect to have a long heart to heart with myself and realize things aren't going anywhere. If it was just about the sex for me I would be going out with her again tonight because it's guaranteed. Instead I'm avoiding her at all costs. I'm sorry but if I read your post correctly you did say " I'm avoiding her at all cost" Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 (edited) Dear LoveShack Forum: Help! I met this great guy and we REALLY clicked! The first week was awesome, we were texting every day, and he seemed really into me! When we finally got together, the chemistry was off the charts.....and I admit, I went with the moment, and we had sex. And it was great,, we really connected! But now it's all changed. He's backing off, not giving me as much attention, but yet STILL talks to me, and appears to want to spend time with me. I am SO confused, what's going on? If he lost interest, why the hell doesn't he just be honest and say so! Instead of this backing off shyt.....which is so confusing! Can someone shed some light as to what he's thinking and what's going on? Thanks a bunch guys! Sincerely, IronZ's Date Edited July 31, 2015 by katiegrl 11 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 By letting her down gently I meant back up a little bit so we're not all lovey dovey with each other and then telling her in a nice way that it wouldn't work. I didn't mean disappear on her. No, you meant "appear as disinterested as I can so she can get tired of me and move on"...similar to disappearing. It's called a "fade".... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Why aren't you into her? What's the problem? Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 IronZ, you know what you have to do. Call this girl up (I think you should actually call instead of texting her) and tell her what is on your mind. Prepare what you are going to say to her. Be kind. Leave her with something positive. Meanwhile, I can't help but think that this is a teachable moment. You are noticing how you can go on a date that appears to have gone fantastic but one person still ends up not feeling it. You are also seeing for yourself how hard it is to let someone down easy, the right way. Maybe a bit of understanding from you for the date you posted about last week is forthcoming? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author IronZ Posted July 31, 2015 Author Share Posted July 31, 2015 Dear LoveShack Forum: Help! I met this great guy and we REALLY clicked! The first week was awesome, we were texting every day, and he seemed really into me! When we finally got together, the chemistry was off the charts.....and I admit, I went with the moment, and we had sex. And it was great,, we really connected! But now it's all changed. He's backing off, not giving me as much attention, but yet STILL talks to me, and appears to want to spend time with me. I am SO confused, what's going on? If he lost interest, why the hell doesn't he just be honest and say so! Instead of this backing off shyt.....which is so confusing! Can someone shed some light as to what he's thinking and what's going on? Thanks a bunch guys! Sincerely, IronZ's Date That's a bit much, don't you think? How about letting me know what I did wrong instead of making it seem like I'm a horrible person with these childish tactics? Thanks anyway... Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Dear LoveShack Forum: Help! I met this great guy and we REALLY clicked! The first week was awesome, we were texting every day, and he seemed really into me! When we finally got together, the chemistry was off the charts.....and I admit, I went with the moment, and we had sex. And it was great,, we really connected! But now it's all changed. He's backing off, not giving me as much attention, but yet STILL talks to me, and appears to want to spend time with me. I am SO confused, what's going on? If he lost interest, why the hell doesn't he just be honest and say so! Instead of this backing off shyt.....which is so confusing! Can someone shed some light as to what he's thinking and what's going on? Thanks a bunch guys! Sincerely, IronZ's Date The point of this post ^^ IZ was to let you know, from the female perspective, that you are NOT doing her any favors by backing off and "letting her down gently." In fact, to the contrary, what you are doing is extremely confusing to her and actually quite cruel. And to be blunt (which you know I can be at times) .....your actions here are also quite cowardly, although I am sure you don't view them that way. No you don't owe her anything, but common courtesy would dictate that since you *did* develop some type of connection with her, albeit very briefly and which included sex, you would have the decency as a human being and man, to be HONEST with her and let her know what's going on with you sooner rather than later! I implore you to do just that, and put an end to her confusion which I have no doubt she is feeling. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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