How often...

[RoseVille]

...do you see someone you're dating exclusively?

 

Two weeks in?

A month in?

Three months in?

6 months?

A year?

 

And at what point is it not enough, worthy of breaking up?

 

Apparently I'm a little greedy with my "me" and recreational time and the new dude isn't satisfied. He thinks I should me making more time, that I don't have the time for a BF, but this would require me to literally give up things/events I've participated in for years, and I think it's too soon for me to even want to do that. We're still early stages.

 

So tell me what works for you.

[danmillar]

You can't create a rule that fits all cases.

 

It depends on schedules, where both of you live, your professional commitments and how much time you want or need alone.

 

I don't see why you can't bring your bf along to the events you attend.

Edited August 2, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[jay1983]

If you're seeing someone only once every 2 or more weeks, that's hardly dating.

[d0nnivain]

For me it gradually building up from 1x per week . . . how gradually or how quickly varies.

[RoseVille]

I don't see why you can't bring your bf along to the events you attend.

 

Because he's not interested in those events (doesn't like sports, I'm a season ticket holder), and/or some are women's only (a church group and a tri-training group).

 

It sounds like you are a commitment phobe or don't really want to be in a relationship.

 

You have no idea what our schedule is, yet you're assuming this. We've been dating a little over a month, and I'm not yet willing to drop my life for someone I'm just starting to get to know.

[RoseVille]

edit: your stats say you have over 1151 posts in 2 or 3 months. If you can find enough time to post here 12X a day every day for 3 months, you can find a bit more time to spend with a (relatively) significant other.

 

90% of my posts are while on surveillance. I'm bored in the field.

[writergal]

...do you see someone you're dating exclusively?

 

 

Two weeks in?

 

2 times a week in the evenings.

 

A month in?

 

3-4 nights and sometimes those nights include 1-2 weekend nights.

 

Three months in?

 

Every night.

 

6 months?

 

Every night.

 

A year?

 

Every night.

 

And at what point is it not enough, worthy of breaking up?

 

Apparently I'm a little greedy with my "me" and recreational time and the new dude isn't satisfied. He thinks I should me making more time, that I don't have the time for a BF, but this would require me to literally give up things/events I've participated in for years, and I think it's too soon for me to even want to do that. We're still early stages.

 

So tell me what works for you.

 

How are you "greedy" with your own time away from your new date? Do you devote 7 nights a week to your life that you're not willing to compromise on?

 

Definitely don't give up on things/events that you've participated in for years.

 

Your date doesn't have the right to ask you to give up things/activities that make you happy, no matter how long you've dated each other.

 

Even if I see the guy I'm dating at night, that doesn't mean I spend every evening with him. No way. My rule of thumb is: don't give up what makes me happy to make someone else happy. If my date wants to join me in the things/activities I do, great. But if not, that's fine too.

 

If I guy tells me to give up things that make me happy, I dump him. I guess I'm very rigid that way. Why would I give up things/activities that make me happy for someone else? That's really selfish on their part, I think.

 

Dating/relationships is about balancing each other's schedules to sync up times you can be together. If they demand more time than you can give them, I see that as very controlling and smothering.

[d0nnivain]

Roseville

 

If you have a life and events that you go to, invite him along to things you can invite him to. . .that's tougher with gender based groups & things that require tickets. If he declines you gave him the chance to spend more time with you & he declined: that is on him.

 

When DH & I 1st started dating I had a standing Friday night social commitment. Eventually he started coming with me & 7 years of marriage later we still attend. He actually goes more then me now. lol

[RoseVille]

WG: Every night at three months? Do you live together? I can see if you live together but man, that's a lot.

 

I think part of the problem is that his work schedule is his only limitation. He doesn't have much else going on, so when he's free from work, he wants to see/be with me. And I'm a slower mover. I will prioritize, but a month in, I don't think it's reasonable to put him above other things that mean a lot to me.

[danmillar]

Because he's not interested in those events (doesn't like sports, I'm a season ticket holder), and/or some are women's only (a church group and a tri-training group).

 

 

 

You have no idea what our schedule is, yet you're assuming this. We've been dating a little over a month, and I'm not yet willing to drop my life for someone I'm just starting to get to know.

 

LOL, no one is asking you to "drop your life." You are exaggerating, even catastrophizing, with such a ridiculous phrase. It's indicative of how you view the world and how you view this "relationship" in particular.

 

You somehow view him as a "threat" to your independence.

 

You could very well view your "bf" and his desire to spend more time with you in either a:

 

1. positive way: "wow, it's awesome that he wants to spend more time with me! He thinks we have great chemistry together! We have a winner!"

 

2. neutral/practical way: "hmm, he wants to spend more time with me, but I have some ongoing commitments that he can't or won't attend. Let's see if I can spend more time with him on activities that we both like."

 

3. your way (negative): "Jesus Christ, this guy is so demanding and imposing. What a burden. Doesn't he know that MY activities come first?

 

He's not very understanding, and he's very domineering.

 

Life sucks! Why can't I find someone better?!?"

 

 

Good luck with your negativity.

[Jejangles]

I don't think there's a right or wrong, but I would be questioning a guy who I have been dating for a month demanding more of my time as long as I was already spending at least one day a week with him. It takes time to build someone into your life, unless you are sitting around waiting for the person you date to be your whole life.

 

So months 1 to 2 I'm probably good with once or twice a week. After that I'm expecting twice a week or more to be standard, and it just builds from there.

 

I'm a month into dating a guy and we see each other once a week, mostly because I had out of town summer plans already booked over the last few weeks. But we stay in touch via text and phone in between. So far the pace feels good, we're moving slowly, and really a month is only 4 dates at that pace. I'd definitely be side eyeing him if he started complaining at this stage.

[RoseVille]

LOL, no one is asking you to "drop your life." You are exaggerating, even catastrophizing, with such a ridiculous phrase. It's indicative of how you view the world and how you view this "relationship" in particular.

 

You somehow view him as a "threat" to your independence.

 

You could very well view your "bf" and his desire to spend more time with you in either a:

 

1. positive way: "wow, it's awesome that he wants to spend more time with me! He thinks we have great chemistry together! We have a winner!"

 

2. neutral/practical way: "hmm, he wants to spend more time with me, but I have some ongoing commitments that he can't or won't attend. Let's see if I can spend more time with him on activities that we both like."

 

3. your way (negative): "Jesus Christ, this guy is so demanding and imposing. What a burden. Doesn't he know that MY activities come first?

 

He's not very understanding, and he's very domineering.

 

Life sucks! Why can't I find someone better?!?"

 

 

Good luck with your negativity.

 

Humph.

 

I've read your other posts, so I understand your perspective, and disagree with it.

[danmillar]

90% of my posts are while on surveillance. I'm bored in the field.

 

Too bad you hate your job. I can't say I'm surprised.

 

You are not happy with your job, you are not happy with your "bf."

 

Yeah, too bad you can't see the commonality here.

 

Since you don't get it, I'll spell it out. It's Y-O-U.

 

It's your negativity which is making you miserable, not your so-called "bf."

 

Fix your negativity and things will fall into line.

[danmillar]

Humph.

 

I've read your other posts, so I understand your perspective, and disagree with it.

 

Yeah, I'll check the definition for "humph" later.

 

Stay angry. It's working out great for you it seems.

[RoseVille]

I don't think there's a right or wrong, but I would be questioning a guy who I have been dating for a month demanding more of my time as long as I was already spending at least one day a week with him. It takes time to build someone into your life, unless you are sitting around waiting for the person you date to be your whole life.

 

So months 1 to 2 I'm probably good with once or twice a week. After that I'm expecting twice a week or more to be standard, and it just builds from there.

 

I'm a month into dating a guy and we see each other once a week, mostly because I had out of town summer plans already booked over the last few weeks. But we stay in touch via text and phone in between. So far the pace feels good, we're moving slowly, and really a month is only 4 dates at that pace. I'd definitely be side eyeing him if he started complaining at this stage.

 

Yes, that's how I feel. And I feel like he's waiting for someone (me) to be his whole life.

 

I'm doing a little side-eye. I'm worried that he's going to always be dissatisfied and I don't like feeling like I'm not living up to expectations.

[RoseVille]

Too bad you hate your job. I can't say I'm surprised.

 

You are not happy with your job, you are not happy with your "bf."

 

Yeah, too bad you can't see the commonality here.

 

Since you don't get it, I'll spell it out. It's Y-O-U.

 

It's your negativity which is making you miserable, not your so-called "bf."

 

Fix your negativity and things will fall into line.

 

I love my job. But waiting 5 hours for someone to exit a building, is, well, boring. Every gig has its lame parts.

 

Best wishes to you.

[RoseVille]

If you're seeing someone only once every 2 or more weeks, that's hardly dating.

 

Right, I agree.

 

I'm talking more like going from 1x/week in the first week or two, to 3x/week one month in, and receiving thinly veiled complaints that that time is insufficient.

[writergal]

WG: Every night at three months? Do you live together? I can see if you live together but man, that's a lot.

 

I think part of the problem is that his work schedule is his only limitation. He doesn't have much else going on, so when he's free from work, he wants to see/be with me. And I'm a slower mover. I will prioritize, but a month in, I don't think it's reasonable to put him above other things that mean a lot to me.

 

Well it's personal preference. For me, staying overnight for the sex and intimacy is important. But what works for me, may not work for anyone else.

 

How are you a slow mover? Do you mean 'cautious'? A month in, I think 2-3 nights a week is reasonable or 1-2 nights a week is reasonable. Sounds like he doesn't do much aside from work, so he expects you to drop your plans to spend time with him? That's selfish on his part. Just how I see it. He needs to get some hobbies, maybe.

[RoseVille]

Well it's personal preference. For me, staying overnight for the sex and intimacy is important. But what works for me, may not work for anyone else.

 

How are you a slow mover? Do you mean 'cautious'? A month in, I think 2-3 nights a week is reasonable or 1-2 nights a week is reasonable. Sounds like he doesn't do much aside from work, so he expects you to drop your plans to spend time with him? That's selfish on his part. Just how I see it. He needs to get some hobbies, maybe.

 

Not drop, but he's expressed that going forward, the time we're spending now (2-3x week, including a weekend all-day/night date), won't be enough. Since he knows my commitments, he knows that something will have to give. I've forgone a couple Giants games (Battle of the Bay! I didn't go! HUGE!) as a compromise, but some things (church) I really don't want to let go of - at least not this early in.

[writergal]

Not drop, but he's expressed that going forward, the time we're spending now (2-3x week, including a weekend all-day/night date), won't be enough. Since he knows my commitments, he knows that something will have to give. I've forgone a couple Giants games (Battle of the Bay! I didn't go! HUGE!) as a compromise, but some things (church) I really don't want to let go of - at least not this early in.

 

He needs to back off from his whining. It's been 4 weeks and you spend the weekend all-day/night with him plus 2-3x during the week. That's plenty. So you forgot a couple of Giants games. Like I said, he needs to get a hobby or two and stop smothering you already.

[mrldii]

OP, I gotta believe that if I'm going to agree to "exclusively date" someone, I'm going to *expect* that we'll be seeing each other [at least] once a week, preferably on the weekends.

 

Having said that, though, I don't believe I would agree to exclusively date someone who isn't interested, also, in those things that make my life enjoyable. I'd be exclusively dating someone with the intent of developing a long-term, live-in relationship with them; at NO point in my life would I want to give up things I enjoy simply because he doesn't and so we'll never be enjoying those things together.

 

Is there no room for compromise, here? I mean, healthy adults who are single do have a tendency to fill their down-time with pleasurable activities rather than sitting around doing nothing so as to have an open slate should a date come along. Is there nothing you could free up to find some additional free time to spend together?

[RoseVille]

OP, I gotta believe that if I'm going to agree to "exclusively date" someone, I'm going to *expect* that we'll be seeing each other [at least] once a week, preferably on the weekends.

 

Having said that, though, I don't believe I would agree to exclusively date someone who isn't interested, also, in those things that make my life enjoyable. I'd be exclusively dating someone with the intent of developing a long-term, live-in relationship with them; at NO point in my life would I want to give up things I enjoy simply because he doesn't and so we'll never be enjoying those things together.

 

Is there no room for compromise, here? I mean, healthy adults who are single do have a tendency to fill their down-time with pleasurable activities rather than sitting around doing nothing so as to have an open slate should a date come along. Is there nothing you could free up to find some additional free time to spend together?

 

Yes, I could forego many Giants games, as I already have. I can't give up training. I could go to church less.

 

I just find it troubling that there's an expectation that I forego these things already.

[elaine567]

I think this is all a bit clinical and inflexible.

If you are dating, you are supposed to actually want to see him, not fit him into some self imposed schedule, that makes it almost impossible to see each other.

I know, no-one should give up all interests and friends for a man, but there has to be some leeway.

 

This is someone who you should WANT to spend time with, someone who you cannot wait to see.

If it is all a bit of an inconvenience and you feel you are missing your other activities "to fit him in", you have to question why you are dating him in the first place.

[jen1447]

Keep him missing you and wanting more. He'll really appreciate it when you give him a cookie.

[mrldii]

Dan Millar, speaking of people who spend too much of their time online showing others how right and righteous they are,

 

 

don't you think you've spent enough time in this thread letting Rose know how wrong she is about EVERYthing in her current relationship?

 

 

I mean...somewhere, right now, is a married woman sitting alone in a bar waiting to fall in love with you and/or a woman strolling aimlessly through an open-air festival waiting to take a load off at a picnic table, to be able to sit next to you and simply stare, silently, at you and all your singular awesomeness.

 

 

I do believe you've kept those women waiting - desperately and alone - long enough.