watercooled Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 In a relatively new relationship of about 4 months. We're 30 & 31 and deeply in love with each other. I moved across the country to be with her after only having spent about 2 months with her (we met traveling, and traveled together for a month. Most of our relationship is time we've spent 24/7 with each other - so it's pretty fast paced). We both agree we found something unexpected an amazing and that this is really it for us - we've found each other and we're going to be together... Until I lied. I consider myseld an honest person - i've never cheated and I would never risk a relationship by doing something so stupid. But I lied about some minor things - one thing being about how I ate a snack at the grocery store before coming home to a dinner my gf was slaving away on the stove for. I felt a little guilty that I had eaten before this meal she was preparing so I didn't tell her. It didn't really matter that much - but what mattered is that she asked if I had eaten and I said NO. She later found the receipt and the empty snack container. She asked me again the next day (without me knowing she found the receipt) and I lied to her face. I said no "why would I lie about that". I knew I had lied the day before and I just didn't want to admit it. She asked a final time a couple days later and I lied again. Finally she told me that she found the receipt and container and that she knew i was lying to her face. She's lost all trust in anything I've ever said or will say. She says the magic we had is broken. She sees me differently and wonders what else I lie about since I didn't have the balls to be upfront about the snack. She feel differently about the whole relationship, it doesn't feel as special to her anymore now that trust has been broken. She said before she had zero doubt about us being together - that it was our destiny to find and be with each other. Now she's not sure about anything. I'm beside myself and wonder why the hell I was so stupid and careless about this. I really don't have a good answer. She doesn't believe me when I tell her there's no other bull****. How in the world is it possible to rebuild what we had??? I feel like a complete piece of ****. I know I'm a great guy and I want her to trust me again. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 Holy moley. Because you lied about having eaten a snack in light of the work she put into a meal she's questioning your whole relationship? She sounds like a nut job but then again, your decision to move across the country to be with somebody you met while traveling doesn't strike me as the height of good decision making. Apologize. Explain that you didn't want to tell her about the snack because you knew how much effort she put into the meal & you thought the white lie would show your appreciation for the efforts. If she can't get past this, SHE has major issues none of which are about your lie. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Author watercooled Posted July 29, 2015 Author Share Posted July 29, 2015 I agree - this post sounds a bit ridiculous... But really, it's not about what I lied about - it's that I lied. I didn't have the balls to just say, "hey yea I ate before dinner so what". She's deeply hurt about that I lied and that I didn't feel like I could just tell her. I even said "You think I'm lying? Why would I lie about this??" as I lied. I'm pathetic. Link to post Share on other sites
deadelvis Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 I see her perspective very clearly. Why the hell did you lie to her? Why would you ever lie to her? Of course her trust is damaged. If you would lie about having a snack before dinner, what wouldn't you lie about if you were under pressure? Apologize. and don't say "but" in your apology, it makes it insincere. And promise her you will never lie to her again. And don't ever lie to her again. You blew it. Having a snack before dinner means less than nothing. Lying to your partner is not ok. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 Apologize. Perhaps with flowers. What else is there? Take it on the chin. Don't do it again. & move forward. Link to post Share on other sites
mystikmind2005 Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 The snack inquisition is a bit of a red flag I'm afraid. A normal person would find the receipt, have a little chuckle about it and then forget it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 The snack inquisition is a bit of a red flag I'm afraid. A normal person would find the receipt, have a little chuckle about it and then forget it. Actually IMO, a normal person would find the receipt & think how sweet he spared my feelings. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author watercooled Posted July 29, 2015 Author Share Posted July 29, 2015 The snack inquisition is a bit of a red flag I'm afraid. A normal person would find the receipt, have a little chuckle about it and then forget it. The problem begins with her asking me if I ate something... and I said No. It was the next day she found the receipt and started to question my trust. And so she tested it by asking me again but knowing the truth. She said it's not a big deal, it's kind of funny. I just kept lying. I am stupid. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 Actually IMO, a normal person would find the receipt & think how sweet he spared my feelings. I can see her point. If he so easily lies about eating a snack, how easy might it be for him to lie about other things? She asked again and there was his chance to come clean, but he continued to lie; at that point, he is not sparing her feelings at all, but trying to maintain the deception. It would be a red flag for me, early on in a relationship and I would question going forward with a guy like that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 Oh, for heaven's sake. Really? My very blunt opinion is this: you are a fool for lying. And your girlfriend is a drama queen for losing all trust because of this. I think you both have work to do. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
mrldii Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 OP, if you're able to smooth this over and regain her trust and live up to your sworn oath to never lie to her again even if just trying to spare her feelings you are positively doomed when the inevitable "Do these jeans make my a** look fat?" question comes up. She really has put you in a no-win situation. While it IS true that you continued to lie directly to her face AND included the dreaded "Why would I lie about _____" all the while knowing you were lying about _______, it's pretty underhanded of her to deliberately set you up. Much better would have been to hand you the receipt/empty carton and simply ask you why you lied about not eating prior to getting home and then explain to you why NOT lying about ANYthing is so very important to her. Because it IS rather obvious that NOT lying about ANYthing IS so very important to her...to the point that she's willing to be deceptive to ferret one out. Good luck to you... Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 The second lie when confronted with the receipt is actually more problematic. Saying he didn't eat is not so terrible but when confronted with the receipt this could have been nipped in the bub with a mea culpa -- I lied to spare your feelings, you worked so hard I didn't want to ruin it & I was still hungry -- probably doesn't result in drama. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MoreAmore Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 Honesty is incredibly important to me. Honesty at all times, even when you think it's in your best interest not to be... I'd be very bothered and suspicious if lying came that easily to you, and that you'd turn to it even when there isn't a good reason. I would tell her exactly what you've said, and take it to regain her trust, and be sure not to lie in the future. It was a small thing, so if things are otherwise great she will forgive, even if she's suspicious for a while. Link to post Share on other sites
MoreAmore Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 you are positively doomed when the inevitable "Do these jeans make my a** look fat?" question comes up. She really has put you in a no-win situation. . My ex husband had a point about honesty and would always answer those questions honestly. Sometimes it wasn't flattering, but I LOVED that about him. Unfortunately, his honesty policy only extended to direct questions and not to volunteering information that I might be interested in that I didn't know to ask about, but what can you do... Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 I do find it a little odd that she is checking the date/time on a snack receipt. Who does that? Unless she is already distrustful. It's bad on both ends. You shouldn't have lied or taken the white lie so far and she is TOO MUCH with checking your snack receipts!!! If I see a receipt for 7-11 or some place like that, it would be rare that I would consider it more than trash--unless I had reason to distrust my bf OR I was mega-controlling. You shouldn't fight it because two wrongs don't make a right but I would consider this a red flag about her. As she should about you--it's a lot scary that you took the lying so far, but maybe you just at the heart of it didn't like being given the nth degree about a "snack'!!! I can't think for the life of me why she was questioning you that much about having eaten either--big deal. Jesus. If you were confronted with this situation again hypothetically, just say: yes had a small snack but still starving and can't wait to eat your delicious meal. If confronted with the Nth degree again, stand up to her and just say the truth. I think part of reason you lied is because you already knew saying you ate anything would piss her off, aka she is too controlling and you had wind of that prior to your lie. Do yourself a favor and don't lie to YOURSELF about that. Someone should tell her there are real problems in the world! And stop being such a P*ssy. Link to post Share on other sites
neowulf Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 I agree - this post sounds a bit ridiculous... But really, it's not about what I lied about - it's that I lied. I didn't have the balls to just say, "hey yea I ate before dinner so what". She's deeply hurt about that I lied and that I didn't feel like I could just tell her. I even said "You think I'm lying? Why would I lie about this??" as I lied. I'm pathetic. Ok. Repeat after me. Everyone. Lies. At some point, about something. It's in our natures. Even if it's only a lie of omission, everyone at some point smooths things over with white lies. Just *explain* to her why you lied. Tell her you felt guilty about having the snack, because she was making dinner for you and didn't want to risk upsetting her. She needs to understand that small lies, about little things, aren't a huge deal. You own up to it, admit you shouldn't have done it and move on. I'd be more concerned about dating a women who was so tightly wound that something little like this would "threaten to destabilize the relationship". What ever happened to forgiveness? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 Actually IMO, a normal person would find the receipt & think how sweet he spared my feelings. Thats what I am thinking... But then when challenged a "normal" person would just say something along the lines of "Yes I had already eaten but your cooking is great so I was being a bit greedy because I know you would have put effort in and I appreciate it so didn't want to hurt your feelings..." What a blow up over nothing... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 I see this as problematic. People that so easily and repeatedly lie about small things will lie about the bigger things. Cheating and then denying could also be seen as the lie to spare partners feelings. Lies are not really about sparing other person's feelings. They are only and always about making things easier for yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 I consider that a white lie and no big deal. It's not necessary to lie about but you did...apologize, explain why you did, and move on. To "lose all trust" over a white lie seems ridiculously dramatic. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 I do find it a little odd that she is checking the date/time on a snack receipt. Who does that? Unless she is already distrustful. It's bad on both ends. You shouldn't have lied or taken the white lie so far and she is TOO MUCH with checking your snack receipts!!! If I see a receipt for 7-11 or some place like that, it would be rare that I would consider it more than trash--unless I had reason to distrust my bf OR I was mega-controlling. You shouldn't fight it because two wrongs don't make a right but I would consider this a red flag about her. As she should about you--it's a lot scary that you took the lying so far, but maybe you just at the heart of it didn't like being given the nth degree about a "snack'!!! I can't think for the life of me why she was questioning you that much about having eaten either--big deal. Jesus. If you were confronted with this situation again hypothetically, just say: yes had a small snack but still starving and can't wait to eat your delicious meal. If confronted with the Nth degree again, stand up to her and just say the truth. I think part of reason you lied is because you already knew saying you ate anything would piss her off, aka she is too controlling and you had wind of that prior to your lie. Do yourself a favor and don't lie to YOURSELF about that. Someone should tell her there are real problems in the world! And stop being such a P*ssy. I do find it a little odd that she is checking the date/time on a snack receipt. -- Yep. A normal person would just throw it away. She's scrutinzing everything you do. You are under a microscope for some reason. That's gonna cause you to be walking on eggshells. However, lying about that kind of thing is odd too. That is something you need to look deeper into yourself about -- is there some kind of childhood history that would cause you to be "afraid" of telling people things? Do you have a history of lying? Usually, when a person lies about something so insignificant, it's about something bigger . . . 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Walters Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 (edited) Beyond ridiculous. Either there are other problems and this was the icing on the cake, or she is crazy. I can understand being somewhat upset after a confrontation lie. However, it should have ended with her saying something like "please don't lie to spare my feelings, i want a 100% honesty". end of story. To go this far to say the relationship is broken is just to ridiculous to me. If the relationship was less than year old I would consider ending it myself. Some say if he can lie about this then what else? Just because somebody walks out of a store with a pen and decided to keep it does not make them bank robbers or murderers. Smoking pot does not mean they will smoke crack. Edit: OP all you can do is apologize and explain yourself. If that does not resolve its unfortunate, but I believe she is overreacting. Edited July 30, 2015 by Walters Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 Beyond ridiculous. Either there are other problems and this was the icing on the cake, or she is crazy. I can understand being somewhat upset after a confrontation lie. However, it should have ended with her saying something like "please don't lie to spare my feelings, i want a 100% honesty". end of story. To go this far to say the relationship is broken is just to ridiculous to me. If the relationship was less than year old I would consider ending it myself. Absolutely agree with this part of what you said. Link to post Share on other sites
RebelWithoutACause Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 People spare each other the truth (or the technical term "lie") in relationships all the time. It would be WWIII all day long if they didn't. Maybe sometimes your feet smell, maybe her hair looks flat, maybe sometimes you eat a sausage roll before going home for dinner. Not every little bit of truth needs to be vomited out at any given chance. Her over the top reaction is the real red flag here. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 Holy moley. Because you lied about having eaten a snack in light of the work she put into a meal she's questioning your whole relationship? She sounds like a nut job but then again, your decision to move across the country to be with somebody you met while traveling doesn't strike me as the height of good decision making. Apologize. Explain that you didn't want to tell her about the snack because you knew how much effort she put into the meal & you thought the white lie would show your appreciation for the efforts. If she can't get past this, SHE has major issues none of which are about your lie. Oh good lord, I needed a good laugh today and boy did I get it! LOL! Thanks d0nnivain! :) Yes totally ridiculous..... Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 She tested him and he failed the test. While it might be a little white lie, he continuously told the same story three times. And yeah, she's probably a little paranoid... she probably got involved with a dishonest person in the past. Can you really blame her? What if this man were to father her children? She needs to make sure she finds a good catch. The problem is, love is tied to trust - if trust is eroded, love takes a big hit. If they had been together 5 years, it might not be such a big deal. But after only a couple months? Even though she was in love with him, when she says it does not feel special anymore, what's she's really saying to him is, "You killed my love for you". Rebuild trust? What is there to rebuild? You two are not married, don't have any kids, have only been together a couple months - there's not much there to save? I think you need to just move on and find a new woman. Sometimes you have to start with a clean slate. A woman can only love you as much as she trusts you. I'm sorry you had to learn the hard way. Maybe it's a good thing though. You don't need to be lying to people. Link to post Share on other sites
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