Tried online dating again

[startinganew777]

Ugh. I have not dated for a while but finally got back online dating about a week ago. Got tons of emails, nobody I was really interested in until this one guy emailed me. Said he totally dug my profile and that I seem so different than other woman he has met and was interested in meeting up. So last Sunday we meet up for lunch. It went great, we talked for almost 4 hours, both REALLY into music. He said a couple times, well, what do you think? I think this went really well, I haven't connected with someone on a date for a long time, said he found me interesting, blah blah blah..... I agreed, he mentioned maybe seeing a comedy show soon. Said we would talk soon, gave me a big hug and we parted ways.

 

Ok, maybe I am gullible but I thought he was really interested. Brought up seeing each other again twice. There was no doubt in my mind. So an hour after the date I just text thanks for a nice time! He texts back you too! Def looking forward to our next adventure! Then later that night he texted me about a music artist we were talking about, he asked me to send him some new music, we chatted a while and that was it. Next day (Monday) I text him to tell him I am part of an indie music meetup and they post concerts all the time and I would let him know if I see any we would like and maybe we could go. He responded saying very cool, yes, please let me know. Then that was it. Nothing after. Nothing yesterday and I figured for sure I would hear from him about scheduling our second date for this weekend. He did ask on our first date what I had going on all week. I am not going to text or call him at all. I think it is up to him now if I even hear from him.

 

Now I am already booked Friday and Saturday night. And I haven't heard from him. I don't expect everyday contact but he seemed psyched about going out again and then nothing. See, this is why I don't date, crap like this. If he was interested, he would have booked that second date for this weekend already. I know that. Why act so interested if you are not going to follow through?! Just venting really. I know how online dating is, I really do but he seemed different. I guess I just won't get my hopes up anymore. It was one date, I know, but seemed promising for once. I am not hurt, just more annoyed that it is the same ole' thing as it was before. Thanks for listening to my venting! LOL

[fitnessfan365]

After four hours of "special connecting" you'd think he'd go for a kiss. A big hug is kind of anti-climatic..LOL

 

But I'm confused OP. Why are you expecting him to get in touch with you? You reached out to him. You told him about the meetup group concerts. You extended an invite saying that you'd let him know when one worth going to was announced. So it's on you to follow through with this, and reach out to plan the next date.

[Jejangles]

It's annoying, but this is why I multi date and also why I don't get too into any one person until we are quite a few dates in. Who knows why this guy showed so much interest and now isn't setting up a date, but for now I would pull back, chat to others and see what if anything he comes up with. Only make him as much of a priority as he makes you.

 

However, I would point out it's only Wednesday and it's possible he is a late plan maker. Or he's not free this week-end. Or, or, or! It's too early to tell if he's just not that into you or if he just is a late planner or whatever. Still, regardless of what is going on, pull back, wait and see.

 

And remember, it's great to have common interests like music, but what will really make or break a dating relationship is common values. And only time will tell if you have those or not! You've only been back online for a week. So take the pressure off, keep chatting to new people, be open to meeting and try to enjoy dating for what it is, not the relationship it could turn into if everything goes well.

[oberkeat]

Next day (Monday) I text him to tell him I am part of an indie music meetup and they post concerts all the time and I would let him know if I see any we would like and maybe we could go. He responded saying very cool, yes, please let me know. Then that was it. Nothing after.

 

Well, did you ever follow up with him and recommend a specific concert at a specific date and time? That's what you said you would do. But it sounds like you never did and just dropped it. To me, that seems flakey.

 

Nothing yesterday and I figured for sure I would hear from him about scheduling our second date for this weekend. He did ask on our first date what I had going on all week. I am not going to text or call him at all. I think it is up to him now if I even hear from him.

 

OP, it seems to me that you expect this guy to do all the work, all the planning, all the pursuing etc. while you just remain passive. And if he doesn't, you're just prepared to move on. You don't want to do anything that involves making the first move. Maybe you think it would make you seem needy. Maybe you think that's what guys are 'supposed to do'. I think if you really want to see him again, you should reach out to him. Send him a short, flirty text, like "hey, how are you? want to go to x event this Sunday?" If he doesn't respond, then you can move on.

Edited July 29, 2015 by oberkeat
Spelling

[startinganew777]

Well when I say I texted him Monday, I meant two days ago. I haven't planned a "concert date" because there hasn't been any yet.

 

I haven't made the first move because I thought we were supposed to let guys make the first move. And I never kiss on the first date. I don't think you really know a person by the first date. I think that is a second date thing. We were also in the middle of a parking lot in the middle of the day saying goodbye. It would have been weird to start kissing I think. LOL Would have felt awkward to me. I know we were both really nervous, he was actually kinda shaking when we first met. I get like that when I am really nervous. Who know why he didn't go in for a kiss. But I would have thought it was too early.

[fitnessfan365]

I haven't made the first move because I thought we were supposed to let guys make the first move..

 

You already made the first move when you texted him on Mon bringing up the meetup concerts saying that you'd let him know. That's why he's not contacting you. I mean you can't suggest plans, say you'll let him know to finalize, and then act surprised when he's actually waiting for you to to do.

 

He's probably thinking the same thing. "This girl seemed to have a great time and even contacted me saying we should go to a concert and that she'd let me know when it is. But now she's blowing me off". If there aren't any good concerts in the near future, you should text him and say "Looks like no good concerts as of yet. :-("At least that way he can suggest something else to do and doesn't think you're disappearing on him.

Edited July 29, 2015 by fitnessfan365

[Vintage79]

OP - this one's totally on you - you effectively suggested a date (the concert thing), he said he was interested, and you didn't follow-up at all. Basically, you're communicating that you're flaky, and you're complaining about him not following up when you when you're the one that effectively bailed...totally hypocritical.

 

By all means, feel free to move on - but if you treat all the guys you date this way, it's pretty obvious why you're single and looking - miscommunication and flakiness aren't attractive attributes...

 

On another note - stop trying to adhere to some stupid rules, when moreoften than not, they don't work - if you're interested in him, and he's interested in you, you won't run into any problems if you reach out to him - as long as it's not smothering...

[startinganew777]

OK, OK, LOL See, that is why I posted here, to get different opinions. I just figured he would at least get in touch to chat but I guess it is POSSIBLE he is thinking it is up to me to get back about concerts. I don't know how to date, I haven't dated in a while. Just didn't want to seem needy or pushy. I wanted him to show interest is all. I wasn't being flakey, there just haven't been any concerts posted.

[oberkeat]

OP - this one's totally on you - you effectively suggested a date (the concert thing), he said he was interested, and you didn't follow-up at all. Basically, you're communicating that you're flaky, and you're complaining about him not following up when you when you're the one that effectively bailed...totally hypocritical.

 

By all means, feel free to move on - but if you treat all the guys you date this way, it's pretty obvious why you're single and looking - miscommunication and flakiness aren't attractive attributes...

 

On another note - stop trying to adhere to some stupid rules, when moreoften than not, they don't work - if you're interested in him, and he's interested in you, you won't run into any problems if you reach out to him - as long as it's not smothering...

 

I totally agree.

[kendahke]

You already made the first move when you texted him on Mon bringing up the meetup concerts saying that you'd let him know. That's why he's not contacting you. I mean you can't suggest plans, say you'll let him know to finalize, and then act surprised when he's actually waiting for you to to do.

 

I haven't planned a "concert date" because there hasn't been any yet.

 

Can't go if there are none scheduled.

 

He already knows that there aren't any yet because he told her to let him know when there was one planned.

 

But still, the absence of a concert doesn't mean he can't pick up a phone and send a "hey, howya doing?" text or call. She has been doing the majority of the contacting this week. He is acting disinterested.

[fitnessfan365]

OK, OK, LOL See, that is why I posted here, to get different opinions. I just figured he would at least get in touch to chat but I guess it is POSSIBLE he is thinking it is up to me to get back about concerts. I don't know how to date, I haven't dated in a while. Just didn't want to seem needy or pushy. I wanted him to show interest is all. I wasn't being flakey, there just haven't been any concerts posted.

 

Well think about it logically. You say "I'll let you know". So isn't it on you to get in touch next? What would be needy/pushy is the guy continuing to contact you not allowing you to do so. So he's actually doing the right thing in allowing you to follow through on what you said.

 

If there's no good concerts in the near future, let him know that. "I'd like to see u again soon, but no good concerts as of yet. :(" Then at least that way he can take the lead, make plans, and then you can plan the concert for you two at a later time.

[Jejangles]

Yeah, I kind of agree with the others on rereading, you may need to make the next move! You want him to suggest the next activity but you blurred the lines a little here by texting him right after and then kind of making a vague suggestion of plans on Monday. So maybe give it another day and if you haven't heard anything, suggest a get together.

 

In future, if you're the type of person who likes to let the guy drive it forward for the first few dates, then I would clearly let him do that. Wait for him to contact you after the first date and wait for him to suggest something. In my fairly vast experience online, if a guy is interested, he will make it clear and he will suggest getting together for a second date pretty soon after the first date.

[startinganew777]

Wait, how am I being flakey when I texted just Monday (this Monday) I would let him know about any upcoming concerts?! Concerts posted are usually months away. It was just another suggestion on top of his suggesting a comedy club this weekend. Which I have heard nothing about. I think he knows I am not going to find a concert to go to within a couple days. I get what you are saying but I don't think me not getting back to him because there are no concerts coming up, he thinks I am flakey. I think everyone knows concerts take planning and when I did look, the closest concert I saw was in late Sept.

[kendahke]

Wait, how am I being flakey when I texted just Monday (this Monday) I would let him know about any upcoming concerts?! Concerts posted are usually months away. It was just another suggestion on top of his suggesting a comedy club this weekend. Which I have heard nothing about. I think he knows I am not going to find a concert to go to within a couple days. I get what you are saying but I don't think me not getting back to him because there are no concerts coming up, he thinks I am flakey. I think everyone knows concerts take planning and when I did look, the closest concert I saw was in late Sept.

 

you're not being flakey.

[fitnessfan365]

But still, the absence of a concert doesn't mean he can't pick up a phone and send a "hey, howya doing?" text or call. She has been doing the majority of the contacting this week. He is acting disinterested.

 

If a woman contacted me, suggested the next date, and said she'd get back to me to finalize, I'd do the same thing as this guy and allow her the space to actually follow up. He's doing the right thing IMO. If a woman says she'll let you know and you keep contacting her in the meantime, it's needy/pushy behavior and shows a lack of patience IMO.

 

Wait, how am I being flakey when I texted just Monday (this Monday) I would let him know about any upcoming concerts?! Concerts posted are usually months away. It was just another suggestion on top of his suggesting a comedy club this weekend. Which I have heard nothing about. I think he knows I am not going to find a concert to go to within a couple days. I get what you are saying but I don't think me not getting back to him because there are no concerts coming up, he thinks I am flakey. I think everyone knows concerts take planning and when I did look, the closest concert I saw was in late Sept.

 

It's your meetup group. So how would he know the details? In your text, you made it sound like it was an immediate sort of thing. I mean if you've only had one date with the guy, why would he assume you're suggesting something for months out?

 

Now it is true that he did bring up a comedy show. But when you reached out and brought up the concert saying you'd let him know, he probably took that as your next date.

[kendahke]

If a woman contacted me, suggested the next date, and said she'd get back to me to finalize, I'd do the same thing as this guy and allow her the space to actually follow up. He's doing the right thing IMO. If a woman says she'll let you know and you keep contacting her in the meantime, it's needy/pushy behavior and shows a lack of patience IMO.

 

so, about HIM finalizing that comedy club date he mentioned first...

[startinganew777]

I get that. We were chatting about music a lot the night before so I mentioned maybe going to a concert, meaning down the line, later because we were talking about music so much. I guess I just figured he would get that I didn't mean a concert like "this" week. My bad. I am not flakey at all. I promise. I just didn't realize he could be thinking it was up to me. And I have been single so long because I choose not to date for a while, for me time. No need to be ignorant about it.

[fitnessfan365]

so, about HIM finalizing that comedy club date he mentioned first...

 

You take it one date at a time. Before he had a chance to reach out to her, she texted him suggesting the concert and that she'd let him know. So that takes precedence.

 

She should text - "Checked concert schedule. Nada 4 months. What about the comedy club u mentioned?"

 

I just didn't realize he could be thinking it was up to me.

 

What else could "I'll let you know" possibly mean?

Edited July 29, 2015 by fitnessfan365

[startinganew777]

Ok, well, we will see what happens. I let him know there aren't any concerts until Sept. so that maybe we should try the comedy club first. Lets see if he responds. Then I will have my answer.

[katiegrl]

Ugh. I have not dated for a while but finally got back online dating about a week ago. Got tons of emails, nobody I was really interested in until this one guy emailed me. Said he totally dug my profile and that I seem so different than other woman he has met and was interested in meeting up. So last Sunday we meet up for lunch. It went great, we talked for almost 4 hours, both REALLY into music. He said a couple times, well, what do you think? I think this went really well, I haven't connected with someone on a date for a long time, said he found me interesting, blah blah blah..... I agreed, he mentioned maybe seeing a comedy show soon. Said we would talk soon, gave me a big hug and we parted ways.

 

Ok, maybe I am gullible but I thought he was really interested. Brought up seeing each other again twice. There was no doubt in my mind. So an hour after the date I just text thanks for a nice time! He texts back you too! Def looking forward to our next adventure! Then later that night he texted me about a music artist we were talking about, he asked me to send him some new music, we chatted a while and that was it.

 

 

Next day (Monday) I text him to tell him I am part of an indie music meetup and they post concerts all the time and I would let him know if I see any we would like and maybe we could go. He responded saying very cool, yes, please let me know. Then that was it. Nothing after. Nothing yesterday and I figured for sure I would hear from him about scheduling our second date for this weekend. He did ask on our first date what I had going on all week. I am not going to text or call him at all. I think it is up to him now if I even hear from him.

 

Now I am already booked Friday and Saturday night. And I haven't heard from him. I don't expect everyday contact but he seemed psyched about going out again and then nothing. See, this is why I don't date, crap like this. If he was interested, he would have booked that second date for this weekend already. I know that. Why act so interested if you are not going to follow through?! Just venting really. I know how online dating is, I really do but he seemed different. I guess I just won't get my hopes up anymore. It was one date, I know, but seemed promising for once. I am not hurt, just more annoyed that it is the same ole' thing as it was before. Thanks for listening to my venting! LOL

 

 

At first I disagreed with fitness fan, then I read your first post again.

 

 

Specifically the bolded/underlined.

 

 

HE is probably wondering why YOU have not gotten back to HIM with those dates!

 

 

The ball is in your court hon.

[startinganew777]

I just let him know I couldn't find any dates until Sept. and said that we should try the comedy club first. Hopefully he responds. Thanks

[katiegrl]

OP, if you want to avoid this from happening again, and you REALLY prefer the man pursue you, then don't tell him YOU will get back to HIM letting him know about dates, etc.

 

 

His response says it all.

 

 

"Okay cool, let me know."

 

 

I really do believe in this case, the onus is with you.

[katiegrl]

I just let him know I couldn't find any dates until Sept. and said that we should try the comedy club first. Hopefully he responds. Thanks

 

Okay now IMO the onus is on him to get back to you.

 

 

If he is interested, he will....

 

 

If not, he won't.

[startinganew777]

"OP, if you want to avoid this from happening again, and you REALLY prefer the man pursue you, then don't tell him YOU will get back to HIM letting him know about dates, etc."

 

 

Duly noted! Lesson learned.

[startinganew777]

He responded and said the comedy club would be fun and to let him know what time frame I was thinking. So you guys were right. I feel like an idiot. LOL Thanks all for your opinions and suggestions. I feel better now.