Cirilla Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 Hi all, I just wanted to get perspectives on this since it's a bit strange to me. There's a guy in my professional circles that I've seen around here and there for the past few months. We've always been friendly and thought highly of each other's professional doings. I always thought he was very talented at what he did, admired his work ethic, and thought he was a nice person who just happened to be a little cute. I didn't think about him outside of networking events until last week. Last week, a lot of us were mingling at an industry event and then some of us went out to unwind at the bar as we usually do. I've gone there and sat next to him before, but didn't think of him beyond a platonic and professional level. But last week I sat at the table next to him and he was saying something to me and I happen to look--and I mean really look--into his eyes. I'd made friendly eye contact before, but this was the first time I really noticed. It didn't happen instantly, but I think that was the catalyst. After I got home that day and as I woke up the next morning, I found myself thinking on my admiration of his professional achievements, determination/drive, creative vision, raw intelligence and talent, sense of humor, and generally warm, pleasant demeanor--not to mention his beautiful eyes. And then I realized "oh crap, I really like him". You might ask: "what's the problem?" Well, he's probably about 6 years younger than me (I'll be 30 soon) and he has spoken of retaining my professional services in the future. I know he thinks highly of me as a colleague and someone to have a couple of drinks with, but I've never had any indication that he's interested. Although, he did happily oblige my request for a hug. Twice. It was probably a mistake to tell someone else in our network about it, but I trust their maturity. I doubt anything will happen because I wouldn't want to risk looking unprofessional/untoward and because of the age gap, but still... It might also be interesting to note that I got out of an LTR earlier this year that had lasted 4.5 years. I do note there are glaring contrasts between him and my ex, and this crush has given me something pleasant to think of rather than dwell angrily on my ex. I don't believe it's a "rebound crush" because there have been guys who have liked me since the breakup and I haven't been interested. Plus, I'm being very level-headed about it and seeing it as a learning experience about qualities in a man that I can like and admire. Thoughts? Would a guy on the receiving end of it be flattered if he knew? He's introduced me to people as "awesome" and likes talking to me. Given my profession and my nature, people tend to think I'm unique and interesting so maybe he thinks so. What would you do, if anything? Link to post Share on other sites
mystikmind2005 Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 From a guys perspective, i would not invite a work romance. I have liked women at work plenty of times but never made a move, i would not. But if the woman made a move toward me what would i do? That is the question? I guess i would probably take advantage,,, but i am not the type of guy who takes a job that seriously over love life, so that is why i would do it.... now in your case, how serious does he take his job? Do other work romances tend to succeed or fail in your line of work? Link to post Share on other sites
mrldii Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 What would I do? Bask in the glow of my secret crush and welcome the fact that I am now beginning to feel pangs of lust and interest in a member of the opposite sex again... ...which is the beginning of being able to find love, again, with someone else more 'appropriate'. Oh, and if he ever came on to me, I'd probably jump all over it, Samantha-from-Sex-in-the-City-style, and know that I still got *it*!!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cirilla Posted July 29, 2015 Author Share Posted July 29, 2015 From a guys perspective, i would not invite a work romance. I have liked women at work plenty of times but never made a move, i would not. But if the woman made a move toward me what would i do? That is the question? I guess i would probably take advantage,,, but i am not the type of guy who takes a job that seriously over love life, so that is why i would do it.... now in your case, how serious does he take his job? Do other work romances tend to succeed or fail in your line of work? We don't work at the same job. I run a business that he is thinking of hiring to take care of some contractor work for him (not construction--just don't want to go into much detail). He does take his work seriously and it's one of the reasons I like him. Link to post Share on other sites
ITw Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 We don't work at the same job. I run a business that he is thinking of hiring to take care of some contractor work for him (not construction--just don't want to go into much detail). He does take his work seriously and it's one of the reasons I like him. In this case, I'd say go for it! Any way to safely test the waters? Though I think everything sounds good so far. You both sound pretty mature and you respect each other. The 6 year gap is nothing. For all you know he's probably thinking the same thing about you. There are other people in town to do business with if you had to. Have fun with it and keep us updated if anything happens. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 Age is just a number when you are in the same life stages. Since he's in your professional circle which I interpret as different from being a co-worker, I don't see a problem with dating him. Once you date him, I might not perform professional services for him but that is up to you. I have provided professional to my husband if that helps you. Link to post Share on other sites
mystikmind2005 Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 We don't work at the same job. I run a business that he is thinking of hiring to take care of some contractor work for him (not construction--just don't want to go into much detail). He does take his work seriously and it's one of the reasons I like him. Ah, ic, ok then, in that case my advice would be that if convenient, possibly allow the contract to be decided before making a move? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cirilla Posted July 30, 2015 Author Share Posted July 30, 2015 He won't need to hire me for a while--until his project nears completion. He's still some time out from that so maybe attraction can happen in the meantime. I can't do anything after I start working for him, though. The profession has regulations whereby you can't start a relationship with someone you contract for for fear of power imbalances, coercion, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 He won't need to hire me for a while--until his project nears completion. He's still some time out from that so maybe attraction can happen in the meantime. I can't do anything after I start working for him, though. The profession has regulations whereby you can't start a relationship with someone you contract for for fear of power imbalances, coercion, etc.A profession that you can't have a close, personal relationship with someone you contract with? I can't imagine. The hallmark of all professions is independence. You are trusted to render your services impartially. That's why you can perform an operation on a friend, pull a child's tooth, prepare a pal's tax return, or defend a relative in court. Usually, the problem is that the professional, because of the relationship, is proactively presumed to be compromised in their professional judgment. So, for example, an auditor can't render an opinion on his girlrriend's financial statement. A doctor can't perform lifesaving surgery on his wife. A detective can't investigate a homicide that involves family. It's not the existence of a relationship. It is that a 3rd party might rely on you and you don't disclose the things that might make your professional word unreliable. Is that what you mean? Either way, unless you stand to make a lot of money off this contract, what is more valuable to you? Let's say you do this guy, it crashes and burns, and then you're back to being independent professionals. There is still room for future work, isn't there? I guess what I'm saying is that contracts come and go. But people that you see in that special light? I've gotten a ton more contracts than ever I have looked at others with longing eyes. I say go for it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cirilla Posted July 30, 2015 Author Share Posted July 30, 2015 Yeah true, but the community is also relatively close-knit. Plus, I already have one ex in that line of work and have to worry about bumping into him as it is. I'm worried about seeming untoward and the possible fallout that happens when you "**** where you eat". But I do hope he grows to like me too and then maybe we can go out. Or at least be flattered if he finds out and then won't feel awkward when running into me at professional events. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cirilla Posted July 30, 2015 Author Share Posted July 30, 2015 I guess what I'm saying is that contracts come and go. But people that you see in that special light? I've gotten a ton more contracts than ever I have looked at others with longing eyes. I say go for it. How would you suggest proceeding? With no indications of interest on his part so far? Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 I started dating my husband when he just turned 20 and I was turning 26....still together for over 25 years. Don't knock it until you've tried it. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 How would you suggest proceeding? With no indications of interest on his part so far? Ask him out for a drink. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cirilla Posted August 28, 2015 Author Share Posted August 28, 2015 So, I've got an update. I can't believe it's been a month since I first posted this! I saw the guy again (now confirmed to be 7 years younger than me) at another group networking/professional event. There were great convos all around. I don't think it's a secret that I find him attractive, as I've let it slip to a couple of people. No idea if he actually knows, though. But he did say my name and try to get my attention a bunch of times, teased me a bit, and would stroke his hair when talking to me. I mentioned to him an event outside of the professional realm that I thought he'd enjoy and he said to send him the info. For the sake of convenience, I sent him a link to the Facebook event page. He didn't reply to that email so I figured "eh, now begins another period of counting the days until I see him again". Then I get home from another networking thing the day after that and find a friend request from him. Soooooooooo.....looks like he's interested in getting to know me in a social/nonprofessional capacity. And he answered my email with smiley faces/exclamation points/hahaha's saying that he would be at the event and now we're both listed as "going" on FB--which he can see because I accepted his request. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted August 28, 2015 Share Posted August 28, 2015 Take it from someone who has been there... Don't swim in the company pool. I promise you that the very short lived thrill of your romantic conquest doesn't outweigh the negatives. Been there, done that and have the scars to prove it. Work is already stressful enough without adding that drama into the mix. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Maxtor Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 Yes, I have made the same mistake, I used to sleep with a girl at my work, we kinda liked each other but she was commited (2 wrongs). When we stop seeing each other outside of the work, the environment got a little toxic for everyone at the company. Even if he is outiside, somehow, you still do business with him. But, Im afraid you will do the mistake anyways. Or maybe its not a mistake. Who knows. My advice is dont. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cirilla Posted August 29, 2015 Author Share Posted August 29, 2015 We don't actually work together. I'm an independent contractor of sorts and he won't be hiring me for at least a year. So right now we are in the same professional circle but see each other once or twice a month at networking/educational things. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 29, 2015 Share Posted August 29, 2015 We don't actually work together. I'm an independent contractor of sorts and he won't be hiring me for at least a year. So right now we are in the same professional circle but see each other once or twice a month at networking/educational things. Good then it's a go. And yes he KNOWS you like him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cirilla Posted August 29, 2015 Author Share Posted August 29, 2015 Good then it's a go. And yes he KNOWS you like him. And you believe, based on his gestures as we were talking, and his FB friend request, that his response is positive? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cirilla Posted September 13, 2015 Author Share Posted September 13, 2015 Saw him again today, as well as last week. Despite the things like his eagerness to talk to me, enjoying everything I say, stroking his hair when he talks to me, touching my shoulders, etc., he tried to get someone else's number tonight. Doesn't help that she's younger and skinnier than me. Dream's over, I guess. I can't imagine a guy could be potentially interested in one person and then try to get another's number with her in the same room. She shot him down, BTW. Hopeless? Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 I can't imagine a guy could be potentially interested in one person and then try to get another's number with her in the same room. This is obvious. He isn't emotionally invested in you. There are two different type of guys. Sensitive guys that get attached quickly and get emotionally invested before they even ask the girl out, and then there are the more typical of guys that are driven more on a physical, sexual plane with the possibility of being emotionally invested after dating for a few months. So be aware of his motives Link to post Share on other sites
bcnguy Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 This is obvious. He isn't emotionally invested in you. There are two different type of guys. Sensitive guys that get attached quickly and get emotionally invested before they even ask the girl out, and then there are the more typical of guys that are driven more on a physical, sexual plane with the possibility of being emotionally invested after dating for a few months. So be aware of his motivesYou made me laugh with that statement, now I wonder which type I am. I think I've been both, with different women, though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cirilla Posted September 13, 2015 Author Share Posted September 13, 2015 Yeah, looks like he's not into me. People are on the fence about whether there's hope he could be as I get to know him more, but eh. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 You made me laugh with that statement, now I wonder which type I am. I think I've been both, with different women, though. I agree there are some in between. I think in this case this guy is working on anything on two legs to see what he can get. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cirilla Posted September 13, 2015 Author Share Posted September 13, 2015 Damn. And here I thought I might actually be interesting. So give it to me straight--is there no hope? Link to post Share on other sites
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