Men and Maturity

[DC77]

Here's another one open for discussion and experiences...

 

 

I'm going to pose the question when did you as a man, or ladies your boyfriend/husband really start to grow up and show emotional maturity? Was it simply time? An event? Meeting someone?

 

 

I got curious because I've been dating a 35 year old who's going on 25. (He has extenuating situations in his life that explain his behavior, but that doesn't make any of it okay. I recently walked away from the relationship.) He has a big ego and annoying boyish arrogance. Especially lately. He's been deconstructing. He really started focusing on my flaws. Started to push me away. Mixed signals. Has been doing a lot of woman bashing. Negativity. And just being a real schite. He says that there is no emotional connection yet he acts like a boyfriend, especially in public. When I tried to talk to him about it, he came right out and said that he will never marry me and listed his perception of my flaws that have brought him to this conclusion. But yet he wanted to continue what we had, which he says is/was a friendship...*

 

 

It has been so reminiscent of a past longterm relationship from years ago. Down to the nit picking, strange behavior, and even the same reasons he would never marry me. I went through this with the other man for years instead of a month. But he WAS in his 20's. And he eventually DID want to marry me. I said no...

 

 

But here's the thing. Thanks to the advent of Facebook, I've watched my guy friends, his guy friends, and even my ex mature into some really good men who truly love and appreciate their wives/girlfriends. We're all in our 30's now, but I remember some of these guys being so egotistical and arrogant and annoying, I didn't think they would ever grow up... So I got curious. What is it that finally let men mature from arrogant 25 year olds to decent men? What was it for you or your husband/boyfriend?

 

 

*For anyone that wants to know more about 35/25 year old, he is military, as I've posted in the past, and we've been hanging by a thread for about a month, month and a half now. I've recently learned that about the time I began to feel something not right was about the same time he received orders of transfer. This last week when he became a schite, it started on the day he received the official transfer. I have also learned through someone close to both of us, that the relationship he had said he was free and clear from when we met was bigger and more devastating than he ever disclosed. He never mentioned that he was in love with her and flew to her families place for Christmas to propose, only for her to break it off and walk away from him. That was December...we started dating in late January.

[SycamoreCircle]

I would break this off.

 

None of us really know what kind of relationship he had with the previous woman, but one month is about only good for renewing your library books.

 

He seems to be gearing up to dump or cheat on you, anyway.

[DC77]

Thank you. I have broken it off. His head is a mess and he hasn't given himself nearly enough time to process. I would have never got involved with him had I known the baggage he was carrying...

 

 

I was actually much more interested in other people's personal experiences of finding emotional maturity.

[carhill]

What is it that finally let men mature from arrogant 25 year olds to decent men?

For those who haven't already got there, usually the school of hard knocks straightens the guys out. Their peer groups (men) won't tolerate that 'kid stuff' and they get whacked into shape or frozen out.

What was it for you or your husband/boyfriend?

 

IDK, I was single, owned my own business and a homeowner by the time I was 25. A working stiff sweating in the shop, just like I do today. I didn't really know what 'maturity' was. I just lived. I think, in the realm of romance, there's such a thing as being too responsible and 'mature' and not enough of a arrogant jerk or playful boy. IMO, there should be balance. I'm less responsible now and have more fun in life. I've also been married.

 

If a guy makes it to 35 with a demonstrated personality as you describe, that's who he is and, short of a life-altering event (facing death can be one), very few men have some sort of catharsis which changes their elemental personality characteristics. In my case, I faced death and divorce and it made me reexamine my serious nature and adopt a more 'whatever' attitude and relax a bit more. Yeah, the serious side is still there but it doesn't rule me every minute of every day.

 

This guy will have his own path. IMO, if who he is doesn't work for you, move on.

[SycamoreCircle]

Thank you. I have broken it off. His head is a mess and he hasn't given himself nearly enough time to process. I would have never got involved with him had I known the baggage he was carrying...

 

 

I was actually much more interested in other people's personal experiences of finding emotional maturity.

It doesn't sound like you've broken things off. It sounds like you're weighing if you can salvage this.

 

Emotional maturity is a hard thing to gauge in someone, as only problems can really test the emotional maturity of people. So, I guess your best bet is getting to know the person slowly. Their keenness in doing that is a good indication of emotional maturity. I would also gauge how the person sees themselves in relation to the world around them. People who seem at constant odds with their immediate world have some work to do.

 

What do they value? Do they seem empathetic? Are they able to recognize their own mistakes? Do they seem forgiving? Do they focus on little things or larger things?

[mrldii]

I'm with carhill on this; I don't know that there's a magical age/phase in life when a man (or woman, for that matter) suddenly grows up...it's different for everyone.

 

It could happen early on, due to upbringing/modeling (from parents); it could be a life-changing event, like becoming a father or meeting a woman who "makes him want to be a better man" or as mentioned, a brush with his own immortality, etc.

 

Some men never grow up/mature and may never "settle down", or will settle into a relationship that works for them, whether or not the trained experts think it's a healthy, well-adjusted relationship and are content with "good enough".

 

 

Sounds like for you, anyway, you dodged a bullet by breaking it off with this guy.

 

 

Best of luck to you, OP...

[Iron Bubba]

I haven't really grown up. I have a very hard time understanding maturity, and only understand a tiny portion of it.

 

You see, a lot of the time I see older people in their twenties, thirties, forties, on up act very immature and are acting just like children.

 

And it's very confusing to me.

 

Because a lot of the time they will also use that phrase against you to gain an advantage over you in some way, usually to put you down and or to turn an argument against you in a fashion call turnabout.

 

So yeah, I have a huge amount of confusion when it comes to things like "oh grow up" and maturity.

 

Because I never really see it.

Edited July 29, 2015 by Iron Bubba

[Clarence_Boddicker]

A lot of guys are emotional late bloomers maturity wise. Don't know if it's caused by society, delayed brain development or naturally lower testosterone levels. I don't mean the exterior appearances of maturity like having a successful career, but internal emotional maturity like caring about others and the world around you. Of course not all men or women achieve that.

[Iron Bubba]

Well, I've been through a lot of abusive junk from people and I'm sorry I just can't really have sympathy for people who don't have any sympathy for me. At least not anymore. I'm really beyond incredibly frustrated with people who demand things like "respect me but I don't have to respect you" or other similar attitudes that I've constantly seen and experienced.

 

Again, I'm sorry if I offend you.

[mystikmind2005]

Women in the younger years don't want responsible men..... so by the time a man learns what younger women want, they have gotten older and want something different and us poor men, our head is spinning wondering wtf is going on!! lol

[kenmore]

Well...I'm 54. I had a great job in my teens. while my friends were pumping gas, I was making $25,000 (in 1978 dollars) in a tech job. I got married, had a daughter, started my own business, got a house, watched my wife die in my arms and my daughter graduate high school later that year. I dated, closed my business and remarried; moved into her house and rented out my own. My daughter married, had a child, moved to another state, got divorced; I got kicked out of my wife's house, tried a new career and lost that, then I got divorced. Now I have no wife, no children, no career, no house...nothing but this computer, a beer and a full bladder.

 

As soon as I mature, I'll let you know.

 

I know this is a failing in me and though I get it, I understand money; it's a necessity, how a life should be lived, I never did grow subservient to it. I like it just like the next guy does, I know no woman will ever admire my lack of it, but I just can't feel it ruling my life; Ever.

 

I know that's off topic. Maturity has to do with so much more than money, it has to do with attitude, how we treat others, how we deal with situations. I guess all I can say is :-P ~~~~Naaaa!!!

 

Ken

[Woggle]

Men become what society considers to be mature when we feel it will get us to where we want to be in life. Many of us tend to be practical where we do what it takes to get us what we want. If being mature and grown up gets us where we want to go we do that and if being a peter pan who is still wild gets it then we do that.

[Redhead14]

Here's another one open for discussion and experiences...

 

 

I'm going to pose the question when did you as a man, or ladies your boyfriend/husband really start to grow up and show emotional maturity? Was it simply time? An event? Meeting someone?

 

 

I got curious because I've been dating a 35 year old who's going on 25. (He has extenuating situations in his life that explain his behavior, but that doesn't make any of it okay. I recently walked away from the relationship.) He has a big ego and annoying boyish arrogance. Especially lately. He's been deconstructing. He really started focusing on my flaws. Started to push me away. Mixed signals. Has been doing a lot of woman bashing. Negativity. And just being a real schite. He says that there is no emotional connection yet he acts like a boyfriend, especially in public. When I tried to talk to him about it, he came right out and said that he will never marry me and listed his perception of my flaws that have brought him to this conclusion. But yet he wanted to continue what we had, which he says is/was a friendship...*

 

 

It has been so reminiscent of a past longterm relationship from years ago. Down to the nit picking, strange behavior, and even the same reasons he would never marry me. I went through this with the other man for years instead of a month. But he WAS in his 20's. And he eventually DID want to marry me. I said no...

 

 

But here's the thing. Thanks to the advent of Facebook, I've watched my guy friends, his guy friends, and even my ex mature into some really good men who truly love and appreciate their wives/girlfriends. We're all in our 30's now, but I remember some of these guys being so egotistical and arrogant and annoying, I didn't think they would ever grow up... So I got curious. What is it that finally let men mature from arrogant 25 year olds to decent men? What was it for you or your husband/boyfriend?

 

 

*For anyone that wants to know more about 35/25 year old, he is military, as I've posted in the past, and we've been hanging by a thread for about a month, month and a half now. I've recently learned that about the time I began to feel something not right was about the same time he received orders of transfer. This last week when he became a schite, it started on the day he received the official transfer. I have also learned through someone close to both of us, that the relationship he had said he was free and clear from when we met was bigger and more devastating than he ever disclosed. He never mentioned that he was in love with her and flew to her families place for Christmas to propose, only for her to break it off and walk away from him. That was December...we started dating in late January.

 

Oftentimes, it's not a matter of maturity per se. It's about a fear of intimacy. When they feel themselves getting closer to a woman, they retreat because they are overwhelmed. Then they come back stronger for a while until they get overloaded again. They retreat to doing things to distract themselves from the current relationship. They hang with their buddies a lot, they do projects, anything else but focus on the woman. They aren't really afraid of the intimacy either. They fear getting close and being Rejected more than they are afraid of the intimacy. So, a woman needs to do a lot of reassuring to. These guys are chameleons too. The come off as confident and strong, when in fact they are actually needy. Sometimes they actually ask the woman what she sees in them or why does she want to be with a guy like him. Or, tell her she can do better. This is often really a test -- does the woman simply "believe" him and move on? If not, she's passed the test. (There are guys who say those things too if they actually do want her to move on, but they don't behave like these men do. They are secure in themselves but usually player types too -- which is a another thread though

 

They sometimes act like real boyfriends too. They aren't bad guys, they want and need the company of a woman, will treat her with respect, introduce her to family, etc. but their emotional connection is weak and the woman feels this. When she does, she tries to pull them closer and become clingy and needy. This in fact fuels the problem. It takes a long time for a woman to actually draw them to her and a ton of patience. You have to be a very strong, secure person yourself to be able to deal with it effectively.

 

They usually have at least one long term relationship that failed miserably and then a series of short term relationships. The women try to deal with the issue for as long as they can and then they bail. Which in turn makes the man even more fearful of relationships. They will sabotage them because they don't want to get closer. If the woman is getting enough from him overall to keep her interested, she will see through the sabotaging efforts. But she needs to know how to deal with them for herself and keep herself centered.

 

These men are sometimes actually Quality Casual Guys. They treat the woman like a girlfriend -- for a while -- and then they don't. It's tough on the woman. You could be stringing yourself along for a long, long time. It's a matter of just how much more you see in them to make it worth it and a ton of time and patience. When they pull away, you have to let them go without being negative or punitive. Let them have the space they need. If you can do this well enough, the times they pull away will grower fewer and shorter. Each time, you will have to keep doing things for yourself in your own life and let them be. You can let them know how what they do affects you but don't be critical or reactionary.

Edited July 29, 2015 by Redhead14

[DC77]

Redhead, thank you for your reply. I actually had a feeling in the back of my mind that this is what was happening. That I was being tested. For the most part I had been patient. And then I got impatient. I just posted another post this morning about friendship and the cold shoulder if you want more of the story. I'm feeling regretful for walking away from him even if it were supposedly left open to a friendship. I'm wishing I had just taken some space and things would have either worked out or not... He said he wanted to maintain a friendship, but he is not being responsive. I don't want to inundate him either with contact. I'm backing off... Just feeling I could have handled it differently and sad I was like every other woman that has walked out of his life.

[Redhead14]

Redhead, thank you for your reply. I actually had a feeling in the back of my mind that this is what was happening. That I was being tested. For the most part I had been patient. And then I got impatient. I just posted another post this morning about friendship and the cold shoulder if you want more of the story. I'm feeling regretful for walking away from him even if it were supposedly left open to a friendship. I'm wishing I had just taken some space and things would have either worked out or not... He said he wanted to maintain a friendship, but he is not being responsive. I don't want to inundate him either with contact. I'm backing off... Just feeling I could have handled it differently and sad I was like every other woman that has walked out of his life.

 

and sad I was like every other woman that has walked out of his life. -- Those women walked out of his life for a reason . . . their needs weren't being met. Until he finds the one for whom he can open himself up enough to and wants to be the partner they need, there will be more women who walk away.

 

A woman doesn't wait around for a guy to "become" the partner she needs forever.

[Vercetti]

Some men just are, some just never will be. Many I've encountered act no better perhaps worse then myself as a bloody 13 year old. I welcome it as makes my job easy.....I almost feel bad for women dealing with toddlers in adult bodies.