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The ones that i want dont want me and vice versa


Mizz Layta

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I have been single for more than a year

 

 

The thing is, I do attract guys but I am not interested in the ones that approach me or ask me out .I have had 2 guys ask me out at work but I wasn't interested or attracted to either of them

 

 

On the other hand, I had a big crush on someone from work who I thought liked me back. He never made a move and it turned out he has live in gf.

 

 

I also get approach sometimes outside work but the ones that do are not my cup of tea. Some of them are much older and there is zero attraction. It seems like the ones that I want don't want me but the ones that I want me, don`t want them.When I met my ex,there was an instant connection and fire. You know when you meet someone and there is chemistry and it feels like love at first sight ?So If I don't feel that way towards someone at the first sight ,I disregard them

 

 

Am I just being too picky ? should I just give the ones that approach me a chance even if though there is no initial attraction?

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I can't date someone or even "give them a chance" if there is no initial spark For me it never grows over time. If you are like me there is no sense in giving somebody false hope. However if you are somebody who needs to get to know somebody before attraction has the ability to develop perhaps give people a chance.

 

 

Is there any possibility that you are more relaxed & approachable around the guys who don't do it for you & uptight around the ones you are attracted to?

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No, just wait for someone to approach you that you find attractive or approach them. Don't settle because it wouldn't be fair to the other person.

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I can't date someone or even "give them a chance" if there is no initial spark For me it never grows over time. If you are like me there is no sense in giving somebody false hope. However if you are somebody who needs to get to know somebody before attraction has the ability to develop perhaps give people a chance.

 

 

Is there any possibility that you are more relaxed & approachable around the guys who don't do it for you & uptight around the ones you are attracted to?

 

 

possibly because I am more outgoing with guys I don't like but shy with the ones I like

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fitnessfan365
possibly because I am more outgoing with guys I don't like but shy with the ones I like

 

Haha..Why some girls do this boggles the mind. I mean think about what you just said logically for a minute. You're wondering why guys you don't like ask you out, when you admit that these are the ones you're outgoing with.

 

Retrain your way of thinking. If you're interested in a guy, be outgoing to encourage him to ask you out. Then w-guys you don't like, be more shy and withdrawn.

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Precisely. You're giving the guys you're not interested in "signals" (possibly intentionally, on some level, in order to court their attention and boost your own ego, or possibly simply by virtue of the fact that you're naturally more at ease around them). At the same time you may seem awkward, off-putting or standoffish to men you're interested in because you're more ill at ease with them.

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''Is there any possibility that you are more relaxed & approachable around the guys who don't do it for you & uptight around the ones you are attracted to?''

 

Good point!!

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Well the guy I had a crush on was the first guy I genuinely liked since my break up.I found out that he has a live in girlfriend. So he wasn't going to make a move either way

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Oh my...

 

This is me!

 

Every man that I have EVER felt sparks with a different excitement over, did not want a relationship with me. Some of them were nice guys.

 

The problem was - I can not be myself around men I am crushing on.

 

I can only be me when I am not that into a guy and, in turn, men I am just not that into always fall for me. They are usually very unattractive.

 

So I've given up on dating. I don't want to to settle for a guy I don't have that in love feeling for and the butterflies with yet they are my only option of a relationship. So that leaves me with short term flings with the me I feel intense chemistry. The down side is that these men aren't that into me.

 

Abstinence is another less palatable option.

 

Last option is a slow burn love where we aren't that into the guy and they never likely make us weak at the knees yet they are a solid and loyal partner who is and actually into us. Sec will never have as much sizzle as with prior lovers but it can still be good.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have chosen short term flings with men who light my passions on fire.

 

I'll keep going after the best chemistry

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Another option.

 

You may not be attractive enough to have enough options. To the men you want don't want you and vice versa.

 

I am getting a nose job and losing weight.

 

I have my pictures up. In my aalbum.

 

As you can see, girls llike me who even havewa few nice features still aren't attractiv eenough to make men ffall all crazy over us.

 

Beautiful women have the luxury of choice. Chances are, one of the men a beautiful woman has the hots for will fall hard fora bbeauty with a ppleasant personality and a shred of intelligence.

 

Plastic surgery and weightlloss will probably be enough for me personally since I am already cute (but not attractive enough to get a guy that sets me on fire to reciprocate)

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Another thing, though - and I hate to quote a romcom, but they had a great point - is that basically if a guy shows interest in you immediately, then there's no time to develop the chemistry, which in large part is actually anxiety or like the sense of insecurity from not knowing exactly where you stand. Which is why we only feel that intense attraction to guys who have not (yet) made their interest too obvious.

 

So it's a bit of a vicious circle. But I do agree that the attraction is important! Guys should just hold out for a bit before coming on too strong, in light of this pattern. Also, I don't really believe that attraction can build slowly in time - affection can, though. BUT attraction can appear late in the game, almost like a switch being turned on. So it's not a slow build, rather always instantaneous, but it needn't be there from the get-go. Which is a comforting thought I think. :)

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Candygirljane

There is nothing wrong with being single. You are not picky, just haven't met the right one yet.

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fitnessfan365
Another thing, though - and I hate to quote a romcom, but they had a great point - is that basically if a guy shows interest in you immediately, then there's no time to develop the chemistry, which in large part is actually anxiety or like the sense of insecurity from not knowing exactly where you stand. Which is why we only feel that intense attraction to guys who have not (yet) made their interest too obvious.

 

So it's a bit of a vicious circle. But I do agree that the attraction is important! Guys should just hold out for a bit before coming on too strong, in light of this pattern. Also, I don't really believe that attraction can build slowly in time - affection can, though. BUT attraction can appear late in the game, almost like a switch being turned on. So it's not a slow build, rather always instantaneous, but it needn't be there from the get-go. Which is a comforting thought I think. :)

 

I really like and dislike this post at the same time.

 

On one hand, life is way too short to play games acting aloof. If I see a woman I want, I proceed with confidence and be direct. After all, chemistry is what develops when you're actually dating each other. This back and forth "pretend I don't like you" dance is a waste of time IMO.

 

But I do agree that you can't come on too strong either. If you act needy and try to force things, it will only scare her off. So my belief is that the right mix is not beating around the bush while also being independent enough to allow a woman the space she needs to get there on her own time frame.

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Unfortunately, this is a problem I see all the time these days. A girl sets her sights on guys that are, to speak plainly, out of her league, and no one else seems to be attractive enough for her. If the attractive guys you want the most never seem to be interested in you, it's because they think they can do better.

 

 

 

I am slim with big boobs and once got paid thousands to model half naked for years.

 

You can't tell me with a strong degree of certainly that I simply wasn't attractive enough.

 

I fell hard for average dudes. Some were deemed bellow average by all my friends.

 

All the men are just delighted with me until they get to know me.

 

Some guys went as far as to say I was the one that was out of THEIR league.

 

I have full body shots in my album. I sure won't delusional.

 

It was my personality they didn't feel a click with.

 

I am a hard person to get to know.

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The truth is, it's hard to find strong MUTUAL Chemistry with a person who is also COMPATIBLE and moreover, SINGLE.

 

We ain't all Plain Janes aiming for hot dudes with 6 packs.

 

I actually never go for fit men. Despite havinga good body myself.

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The truth is, it's hard to find strong MUTUAL Chemistry with a person who is also COMPATIBLE and moreover, SINGLE.

 

We ain't all Plain Janes aiming for hot dudes with 6 packs.

 

I actually never go for fit men. Despite havinga good body myself.

 

I gree with you, I don't have high standards at all.This guy is making it seem like we want guys that looks like a model.

 

There just have to be chemistry and attraction.We don't want to settle for guys we feel nothing for.Then what would be the point? Its not all about looks

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Also the guy I had a crush on was avarage at best.He certainly didn't look like a model.He was skinny and I generally prefer guys with meat on their bones.The guy that likes me from work is not bad looking but I feel nothing towards him.He goes to gym regularly and is fit.I don't want to lead him on...especially since we are co workers

 

I am quite atrractive from what i have been told...not to brag or anything.I exercise regularly and keep my weight in check.Like what I said in my OP , I have no problem attracting guys but its always the ones that just doesn't do it for me.

 

There are times when attract the ones that I am attracted to but they just want one thing.Its not all about looks.The bottom line is we can't force an attraction. Its either there or not

Edited by Mizz Layta
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This is the universal problem for everyone. We like those who don't like us. it's not because something you have done or not done. It is just a matter of time. You just need to wait for your time to come, and by then you will meet the man.

You are only single for a bout a year. Its perfectly normal to take 1 year or 2 for people to meet that right one.

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There just have to be chemistry and attraction.We don't want to settle for guys we feel nothing for.Then what would be the point? Its not all about looks

 

I imagine this is how the guys feel also so they don't approach women they aren't attracted to.

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No, just wait for someone to approach you that you find attractive or approach them. Don't settle because it wouldn't be fair to the other person.

 

I say the same but with greater emphasis on the 'approach them' part. If this 'the ones that approach me I don't want and the ones I want don't, want me' scenario is going on, and I'm sure quite a few here can relate to it, your best bet is create more opportunities with the ones who you fancy. It could be a case of you being too fussy, we'll have no idea, but still you'll need to increase the 1 on 1 encounters with the ones you like, to tip the market in your favor.

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enigma32,please leave the thread.....you are not helping. your just being judgmental and negative .I am going to ignore your further comments at this point

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Its hard to be critical on anyone here in relation to them chasing prospects that are out of their league, because we really don't know, but I agree with enigma and I do see it often. The hookup culture has helped build up this expectation in some women. As you and some other women say, the ones you like tend to have only one thing on their mind. Some of my single female friends/co-workers/friends of friends say they are not looking for a male model or a mufti-millionaire or a brad pitt (or whoever the standard is now...chris hemsworth??) look alike, or they just want that amazing chemistry & butterflies feeling with a man. It all sounds not too unreasonable, but it does mask the truth somewhat in that they are still wanting to land a good looking and/or successful guy still, but just a little under those terms.

 

Nothing wrong with wanting a good looking successful guy but some women can have distorted expectations from the guys that are only interested in ons/flings/fwbs. Not saying this is you OP necessarily (we have no idea), but not looking for a male model (top 5%er) really doesn't mean what enigma said is redundant. No offense meant

Edited by ascendotum
grammer error
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Its hard to be critical on anyone here in relation to them chasing prospects that are out of their league, because we really don't know, but I agree with enigma and I do see it often. The hookup culture has helped build up this expectation in some women. As you and some other women say, the ones you like tend to have only one thing on their mind. Some of my single female friends/co-workers/friends of friends say they are not looking for a male model or a mufti-millionaire or a brad pitt (or whoever the standard is now...chris hemsworth??) look alike, or they just want that amazing chemistry & butterflies feeling with a man. It all sounds not too unreasonable, but it does mask the truth somewhat in that they are still wanting to land a good looking and/or successful guy still, but just a little under those terms.

 

Nothing wrong with wanting a good looking successful guy but some women can have distorted expectations from the guys that are only interested in ons/flings/fwbs. Not saying this is you OP necessarily (we have no idea), but not looking for a male model (top 5%er) really doesn't mean what enigma said is redundant. No offense meant

 

 

Well, the bottom line is you guys don't know. Yes enigma is entitled to his own opinion but the problem is he keeps insisting that we are looking for guys that out of their league as if he knows us in real life.

 

 

He is making it sound like its our fault that we are single because we are chasing guys that are out of our league since they can better than us....and we deserve losers. The better guys can do better. He didn't say those exact words but that's how he implied it. Yes this happens with other females but it doesn't necessarily pertain to me

 

 

He doesn't even know how we look like, how we react to certain situations, how we carry ourselves in public... what kind of guys we go for and their personality etc......the bottom like is he doesn't know.

 

 

Yes I want a guy who is good looking and successful, I am not denying that .On the other hand, a guy can be a male model or a mufti-millionaire or look like brad Pitt and still no attraction and that that adreneline rush feeling......when you know that it is going to be something special.

 

 

 

like what I said, we cant force attraction. If we could then I woudn`t be single. I am not going to settle for someone I feel nothing for.It wont be fair to them.I ain't required to give someone a chance just because they approached me

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I'm going to slap a big: "WARNING: SUPERFICIAL COMMENTS" banner on this thread...

 

Seriously, do I have to say it??

 

There is more, far more, VASTLY MORE required for two people to have a harmonious and joyful life together than mutual sexual or physical attraction.

 

Yes, of course it's NICE to meet someone you are attracted to, and it's NICE if you are attractive to them.

 

It will make that next date easier...and maybe sex will come sooner, but if you are here for more than the next 3-month thing...you (And I mean all the responders) need to F'ing well grow up!

 

For a start, be more open to what makes someone attractive, does he HAVE to have a six pack, does she HAVE to be blonde with a 20" waist really?

 

Do you HAVE to feel that instant, "love at first sight" moment, or it's doomed?

 

Or can they be...plainer...and still attractive, what are you looking for exactly.

When people saw photos of my ex wife, I got comments like "Wow, how did You attract such a stunner" She is nearly 50 now, and still looks amazing.

You know what, after a while, when you roll over in bed and see her face...its just...her...you become accustomed to whatever they have to offer, she is no longer "Stunning" to you, she's your partner, whatever she looks like, and you love her al the same. Yes, you can appreciate her beauty at an intellectual level, but without core attraction, love, respect, it won't make a darn bit of difference.

 

I date many different types of people (no, not ALL asian), and I never don't ask for a second date ONLY because they weren't attractive enough (Been turned down, for sure!).

 

Everyone has something to bring to the party; charm, humour, mutual interests, core values...to eliminate the vast bulk of admirers because within the first 5 seconds you don't feel a "zing" is giving into your primitive brain, you are failing to stop basic urges and impulses, the same urges that you restraining constantly to stop you hitting someone who angers you, or f'ing someone you find attractive immediately.

 

Maybe, just MAYBE that person you met for 5 minutes, and never gave a second thought to, could have been amazing in some deep way you have never experienced before. Who knows...?

 

I know one thing, you won't EVER know if you just turn down point blank those you feel don't measure up to your basic attractiveness checklist...

 

Physical appearances change, they stop working out, put on weight, maybe have a scarring accident...do you dump them then? Because they no longer fit your physical attractiveness requirements?

 

There was a story many years ago about a pretty girl who got shot in the face with a shotgun...obviously after that she wasn't pretty anymore...her fiance dumped her...

 

Heart warning...

Edited by yxalitis
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