Redemption04 Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 (edited) I have a friend who I have some history with. Spanning all the way back to our childhood, when we apparently were each other's first crush at 11 years old (I don't think either person knew it was mutual at the time). Anyways, we then again had an incident the summer before college started, and that was when it was finally admitted--OH HEY, the interest is mutual. Unfortunately, he couldn't figure out what he was doing and it never fully materialized into a relationship. We stopped talking. That was 5 years ago. And in that half a decade, we had very little contact--with the exception of some holiday party he turned up at, and was very clearly upset to discover I had a boyfriend. Since then, he actively avoided me. We reconnected in May and we've hung out, text quite a bit and I just kind of accept it for it what it is. We had a baited and really weird text conversation in June that basically ended with him telling me "I may have feelings for you, but things are more complicated than that..." I basically take that to mean he's not into me, and I'll take him at his word. But the weirdness continues. The most recent episode being him calling me "tall hot and blonde" this week in a flurry of texting banter. I'll take this with a grain of salt. Generally when I see him, he seems like's suddenly on top of his game to impress or outwit me or make me laugh (and I see him in groups enough to tell when it differs from how he handles other women). To compound whatever isn't going on, allegedly he also recently has said something to my mother (don't ask why they ran into each other and felt the need to talk about me), and she literally WON'T tell me. From the fleeting comments she has made, I'm left with the not too wild assumption he said something about still being interested but now not being a good time to try to pursue. Or maybe he's joining the monastery. Who knows. My question: Once feelings have existed for one or both parties, do they ever fully go away? If nothing bad happened to absolve them? Once a man, such as my friend, have been interested in a woman--especially for years as in this case, since childhood--do they ever fully just disappear? Or is a soft spot always left? Edited July 27, 2015 by Redemption04 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 I'm sorry, this is just rubbish. Why, after all the time you've known him, don't you just sit down with him, over a cup of coffee in some Café, and ask him point-blank: "What's happening here? Where are we going with this? Do you want to date me or not?" All this silly drama. Why are you expecting him to do all the running? Jump in, find out! Sorted! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Redemption04 Posted July 27, 2015 Author Share Posted July 27, 2015 I'm sorry, this is just rubbish. Why, after all the time you've known him, don't you just sit down with him, over a cup of coffee in some Café, and ask him point-blank: "What's happening here? Where are we going with this? Do you want to date me or not?" All this silly drama. Why are you expecting him to do all the running? Jump in, find out! Sorted! I basically asked him what the deal was in June. That's what precipitated the "not interested right now" (which, I take to mean probably not going to be ever). Im trying to take him at face vale for that. The point of my post here is wondering if once a man has feelings for a woman, and nothing climactic ever happens to end things or put bitterness between them, do they always harbor a little bit of feeling for the person? I want to say I'll just be happy staying friends. He's been there when I've needed him lately ("hey someone backed out, I need one more person to help me with an event, last minute") and he's done me a number of favors lately that im greatful for. If asked I'll elaborate. Link to post Share on other sites
casey.lives Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 if bad things keep happening or if nothing keeps happening: Feelings cease to exist. they can also change into darker feelings like one associates the person as annoying, time consuming, unattractively cowardice.. other feelings become replacement. Feelings are a burden if nothing materializes. And people eventually prefer to get rid of them then carry them around. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 The point of my post here is wondering if once a man has feelings for a woman, and nothing climactic ever happens to end things or put bitterness between them, do they always harbor a little bit of feeling for the person? .... it's very difficult to say in your situation, because of your history. The thing is, he will in all probability harbour a little bit of feeling for you, but in time this may change and evolve, depending on when he finds a GF and 'settles down'... In the future, he may look back on this as a 'childhood crush', but he's a guy, with raging hormones and is probably as confused about this as you are. hence the 'not right now'. I think, unless you both completely lose touch, you will always have good feelings for one another. What any future GF/BF you guys have, feel about that, is a hurdle you will have to negotiate, as and when.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Redemption04 Posted July 28, 2015 Author Share Posted July 28, 2015 but he's a guy, with raging hormones and is probably as confused about this as you are. hence the 'not right now'. I may just be a little slow because it's Monday, but I don't understand what you mean by this? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 He has no idea how he feels, because it's hormones talking ('not right now') not 'common sense'. He's afraid of committing to anything because he doesn't know whether it's true affection or just natural boyish lust. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Redemption04 Posted July 28, 2015 Author Share Posted July 28, 2015 He has no idea how he feels, because it's hormones talking ('not right now') not 'common sense'. He's afraid of committing to anything because he doesn't know whether it's true affection or just natural boyish lust. That makes sense. I also wonder if some of it is religion based--he stayed very oriented in the faith we grew up in, while I did not. Interesting to note, if this makes any difference: He has recently revealed to me that when he "ruined things" 5 years ago by being indecisive, and I've spent all this time thinking he lost interest and that's why we cut contact..He says he didn't. He says he was still interested. And he thought I was the one who chose to end things. It fell apart after his brother (who we all know now has some extreme lying tendencies) told me some things about him that weren't true, and told him some things about ME that weren't true. He's 24, by the way. Shouldn't the "hormones talking" be balancing out by now? Shouldn't he be at the point his frontal lobe is making decisions based at this point? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 I don't know. I think people reach emotional/cerebral maturity at different rates. I DO know women mature in some areas, more quickly than men do (lathough men DO 'catch up' eventually... I know some extraordinarily mature teenagers. I also know some very childish and frankly ridiculous adult males... I'm sorry to be so vague, but actually, I would refer to my first post. Maybe you guys need to have 'a talk'.... Link to post Share on other sites
compulsivedancer Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 I think you're reading the wrong things into what he's saying. He's clearly interested, but for some reason he thinks the timing is off. So he's got something going on in his life that make it a bad time or idea to get together at the moment. As far as feelings, I know I carry some emotional attachment to pretty much anyone I've been with or wanted long-term. Not sure if they reciprocate. I imagine that could be killed by bad behavior, but I haven't really had that issue. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Redemption04 Posted July 30, 2015 Author Share Posted July 30, 2015 I think you're reading the wrong things into what he's saying. I don't understand what you mean by that? How am I reading the wrong things into what he's saying?! Link to post Share on other sites
compulsivedancer Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 I don't understand what you mean by that? How am I reading the wrong things into what he's saying?! According to your posts: He told you he might have feelings for you, and you heard that he wasn't into you. He said he's not interested right now, and you heard that he'll never be interested (I'm assuming this is the same conversation). Ironically, you then followed it up by saying you'd take him at face value. Are you kidding me? Face value would be taking him at his word. He IS interested, but for some reason he thinks it would be complicated. In addition to his words, look at his actions. This guy has carried a torch for you for years. That hasn't gone away. He probably needs reassurance from you, and instead of assuming he's not interested, you need to find out what makes it complicated. Maybe he's making some false assumptions of his own, or maybe there are some things going on in his life that make it hard for him to be with you right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Redemption04 Posted July 30, 2015 Author Share Posted July 30, 2015 According to your posts: He told you he might have feelings for you, and you heard that he wasn't into you. He said he's not interested right now, and you heard that he'll never be interested (I'm assuming this is the same conversation). Ironically, you then followed it up by saying you'd take him at face value. Are you kidding me? Face value would be taking him at his word. He IS interested, but for some reason he thinks it would be complicated. In addition to his words, look at his actions. This guy has carried a torch for you for years. That hasn't gone away. He probably needs reassurance from you, and instead of assuming he's not interested, you need to find out what makes it complicated. Maybe he's making some false assumptions of his own, or maybe there are some things going on in his life that make it hard for him to be with you right now. Yes, those are word for word quotes from his texts. I've been taught though, through the school of hard knocks--if a guy isn't interested NOW, he won't be EVER. What also frustrates me is, I'm not going to wait forever. I looked up some psychology today article that said studies show a crush lasts on average 4 months. This has been 13 years now this has been going on. The only things I can think of that would be stopping him, if he was actually interested and now was just "not the time": He's still in school, and the faith thing. Link to post Share on other sites
IronZ Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 lol wasted your whole lives wondering what might've been. Next time just ask. Then you won't have to wonder. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
IronZ Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 According to your posts: He told you he might have feelings for you, and you heard that he wasn't into you. He said he's not interested right now, and you heard that he'll never be interested (I'm assuming this is the same conversation). Ironically, you then followed it up by saying you'd take him at face value. Are you kidding me? Face value would be taking him at his word. He IS interested, but for some reason he thinks it would be complicated. In addition to his words, look at his actions. This guy has carried a torch for you for years. That hasn't gone away. He probably needs reassurance from you, and instead of assuming he's not interested, you need to find out what makes it complicated. Maybe he's making some false assumptions of his own, or maybe there are some things going on in his life that make it hard for him to be with you right now. Having been in a similar situation I agree with you. Maybe this guy needed assurance that she was interested in him. I wonder what OP acts like with him. Does she show any interest at all? Nobody likes standing on a ledge without a safety net. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Redemption04 Posted July 31, 2015 Author Share Posted July 31, 2015 Having been in a similar situation I agree with you. Maybe this guy needed assurance that she was interested in him. I wonder what OP acts like with him. Does she show any interest at all? Nobody likes standing on a ledge without a safety net. I HAVE shown interest, in my opinion. I'm thinking back through all my memories since we re-connected, and I don't think I've ever flat out told him I find him attractive (and oh, I definitely do, to the point of where I've gotten nailed in the head with a volleyball during intramurals because I'm trying to refocus). And what precipitated that whole conversation in June about him not being interested, was I corned him and basically asked what his deal was. You can only talk about kissing and finding the other person attractive for so long, before the girl starts to wonder. Maybe I made all this up in my head. Because I haven't heard from him since Sunday (at which time he told me, "Do you have a set schedule? Because I always think of these things to invite you to, but then I don't." Which I thought was rather crappy). Sunday was the last time I saw him. And that's unheard of--he's been texting me every few days. I guess it's over. Link to post Share on other sites
compulsivedancer Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 Tell him this: Hey, we've been dancing around this for a while, but I really like you, and I don't want to miss out on another opportunity to see whether something could happen between us. If you are interested, I really want to go out with you. Or however you want to word it. Just spell it out for him. Then there are no questions. Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 This sounds similar to ghostly lover syndrome: CAN YOU GET TOGETHER AGAIN WITH A LOVER FROM THE PAST? Except you just had a crush on him, never had a relationship.....you tried twice to date but it never worked out. You keep thinking about your crush, but disregard the fact that he rejected you twice. Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 When my friends ask me if someone is interested in them, I always respond with "If you have to ask, obviously not enough." Look, you're giving up too much information. By now you should have learned that humans obsess over mysterious things they can't have. Quit showing people your cards and generate attraction by being a genuinely interesting person. Look at it this way - it worked on you, didn't it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Redemption04 Posted August 2, 2015 Author Share Posted August 2, 2015 Tell him this: Hey, we've been dancing around this for a while, but I really like you, and I don't want to miss out on another opportunity to see whether something could happen between us. If you are interested, I really want to go out with you. Or however you want to word it. Just spell it out for him. Then there are no questions. I told him last night. Point blank. Which may be one of the ballsiest things I've done in awhile. We all went out for an extramurals thing, and drinks after. After a lot of pool, and a beer, and spending hours talking with one of his closest friends (who it turns out, knows a lot more about me than I realized, because the guy has been telling him things), and getting dinner, and getting ice cream, we were sitting in an ice cream shop, just the three of us--him, the best friend, and me. And the usual amount of banter was going on. Finally his best friend looked at him, "I don't understand you. And I don't like watching you shoot yourself in the foot. I see what's going on here. I want the best for you man. Why aren't you taking chances and going after what your heart wants?" I looked at him, "What are you talking about?" The best friend looked at me, "From what I've heard you saying, you like him. From everything I've heard him saying, he likes YOU. Why aren't you two doing something about it? Especially you (insert guy's name here), why won't you do something before it's too late?" The guy I'm curious about turned red. And for the first time since I've known him, was legitimately speechless. I looked at the best friend, "He won't. And I do kind of like him." And I said it, sitting right there, two feet in front of him. He turned even redder. His best friend turned to him, "She has guts. What about you?" He continued to glow red, and put his face in his hands. I told him if he's reply was no, it wouldn't hurt me, and at least I would know. But he wouldn't give me a no, either, instead he sat there, freaked out and speechless. So yes, I have told him I'm interested. He's had a clear opportunity to make something of it. And he didn.t Instead, for the first time in his life, the guy who always has something to say was speechless. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Redemption04 Posted August 2, 2015 Author Share Posted August 2, 2015 Also found out I apparently wrote him a hate mail note in like 6th grade, and he's saved it all these years. ...He's managed to save this note, despite moving 5 times, including 2 international moves? Why? Link to post Share on other sites
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