kookie84 Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 (edited) Once upon a time I dated this guy who I thought would be the real deal. Around the 2-month mark he said he realized how deep our connection had become and that we were a great match in so many ways, so we agreed we'd just focus on each other to see if we were ready to take it to the next level. Exactly a week after that, I found out he had a profile on POF. It was clear that he had either just created the profile or just updated it because the pics were very recent, as in within the past few days. I was so devastated and ended things that week. I randomly thought about this guy today and it was like I could feel the hurt all over again. I guess because I never understood what happened? I don't know if we just weren't on the same page or if he got scared/thought he made a mistake/realized he wasn't ready or I wasn't the right woman or he was just playing with me or I don't know... I admit that this was partially my doing, because I didn't ask him about it or ask for an explanation. I went purely by emotion because I felt like I was led on an betrayed. Looking back, I would have at least talked to him about it, but I wasn't as mature, secure or communicative back then. However, I feel I made the right decision and have no regrets about it. Because to me just the fact that he had a new or updated profile meant he was actively trying to attract women, whether or not he was actually talking or seeing them, so I was hurt and felt so disrespected. To me, that was considered a breach of trust because we said we'd just focus on each other, even if we technically weren't officially in a relationship yet. I'm curious: What would you do in this situation? Do you guys agree with my reasons or was it still fair game since we weren't 100% official? Not that it really matters now, but it just really got me thinking. Having him cross my mind hit me like a brick so I had to ride it out and all of this came pouring back I guess. Edited July 24, 2015 by kookie84 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 I agree with your decision and would have done the same. He told you how deep a connection you have, and agreed to focus only on each other. To me that means you're 100% official and exclusive. If you are an honest, trustworthy man, you do not say those things to someone and then try to pick up other random chicks on a dating site. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
StalwartMind Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 Since I do try to look at things from all perspectives, I'll offer my view on what you wrote as such too. Unless you have agreed to be exclusive, you really don't have anything to complain about. That said, I would still be disappointed like you, and I wouldn't care for a person that "multi-gambles". I don't feel anyone can give all of themselves if they bet on more than one person at the same time. I don't need everyone to feel the same way, many certainly don't, but to me if you wish to establish a meaningful communication with someone, you don't do that by thinking of multiple people. Each to their own though, and also why I wrote what I did at the beginning that you "technically" have nothing to complain about. I think you acted the right way, I would feel the same, in fact if I was using dating sites and I found someone I really connected with, I'd have no reason to keep an active profile anywhere. To me that just signals someone who "isn't sure" in what they want or say, even if they may be, I guess that's why it's important to communicate your own true and honest feelings from an early point. I think many people like to have backup plans, I can't blame people for thinking for this way, but as a person who always jumps all in, this isn't even in my mindset, as I want the person i like to know I'm fully committed to them and only them. So for whatever it's worth, yeah I don't see any reasons to feel bad about your decisions at all, it's your life, you should always do what you feel is correct. Link to post Share on other sites
Lansing Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 And what were you doing on the site? How can you be so certain that the profile was just created or updated so recently? I would have given the person a chance to explain and then decided what to do next based on if I believed their answer or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 I agree with your decision and would have done the same. He told you how deep a connection you have, and agreed to focus only on each other. To me that means you're 100% official and exclusive. If you are an honest, trustworthy man, you do not say those things to someone and then try to pick up other random chicks on a dating site. I am with this. Window shopping is fine but you don't keep updating a profile when you are concentrating on one person. As for what you do now... Imagine this guy with chronic diarrhoea... Imagine his stinking to high heaven... because jack s**t is all his words were worth. Ergo he was full of it. Do not waste your time thinking he was all those things he pretended to be, he is just a good actor. Chin up chook. There are some absolute crackers out there. Link to post Share on other sites
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