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What on Earth can I do?


stubbonlysoppy

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stubbonlysoppy

Really need some advice on this, causing me so much stress and I cannot take it.

TLDR version: Dated an older woman a couple of years ago, it ended because of secrets and me being to inexperienced to handle it. She's moved away and I want her back because she is the most important person in my life. Please don't tell me to let her go because I just can't do it.

 

Story below for more insight/because you're bored/why not.

 

Starting off with me (Long story inbound) None of this is to make me appear big headed btw, it's just to give you an idea about me. I'm 22, not bad looking, tall, and ridiculously intelligent. However I'm sure I have the personality of a potato to people who haven't met me :/

 

Anyway, before this story I'd only had one real crush, she was a girl I'd met online but eventually she said I wasn't her type and I moved on. Other than that I wasn't really interested in dating, let alone sex.

 

At the beginning of this tragic, I was living at home, and I finally got a stable job. It was a job sorting and cleaning hotel laundry (classy and fun, but hey it's a job) Most of the people were Polish or Lithuanian.

 

First day: Messed up big time and this women from further down the line came up to me and started to yell at me, I thought to myself after she left "Man she's a bitch"

 

I was there for about 4 months and didn't talk to her, then one day management changed everything up. I was assigned to a small group in one of the quieter areas, her included.

 

I started to talk to her a bit, and discovered she was actually quite nice. A few days talking I discovered she was 30 (I was almost 21 at the time) she didn't really tell me much about herself, mainly personal stuff which I'm not going to post here.

 

We started to talk on Facebook after work, until early morning most of the time. (Please note I'm about to get really soppy xD)

 

About her: she is the most beautiful women I have ever seen. She's Lithuanian so has this most amazing accent, hair that cascades down her back, eyes so deep that you could lose yourself in them.

 

Back to it. while talking on FB she caught me out while I was flirting and asked why I was being so nice, and asked me a direct question I could escape from: "Do you love me?" Guess the answer, hell yes!

 

A few days after that we were openly flirting and hugging at work, and she kept saying that she was too old for me blah blah blah. Eventually I was talking to her one night after work and I was joking saying I was going to come over and kiss her. She just came out and offered to pick me up for a drink, so I said yes and got ready. I got in her car and looked around and she had a lil baby in the back. I was shocked because she never mentioned she had a son. So we went out at like 2am and parked up at a beach, had some drinks and started to make out we had to cut our fun short because of work in the morning.

 

I took her out on a date the following week, and we had a good time. Then another a week after that.

 

It came up to my birthday and I celebrate my birthday by giving gifts to other people (Ha) so I used this as an excuse to give her roses. So I left them in a room while I was out on delivery and told her to go to the room at leaving time. When I got back she had just found them and came out and kissed me in front of everybody. It was the most amazing experience ever.

 

Later that night I was on FB talking to her again, and I was pestering her to let me come over to her place. She kept saying no like she was avoiding something. I had my suspicions because she always had a ring on a necklace. I thought she had a husband or something, but it turned out she used to be engaged to the father of her baby. Eventually she said yes and I went over, we had some wine and ended up in bed (Was a virgin up until this point :/)

 

After this she started to get really cold with me and kept trying to start arguments, and this guy who worked with us kept following her around and talking to her while my back was turned. Eventually I had to go and collect some stuff with this guy, so we're in the van and I ask him questions and he gets twitchy and angry, I ask him if she likes him and he says yes. So I do something stupid, and see red and put my hand through the dash while he's driving. Ya, I know.

 

I get back and talk to her, and she says that I've embarrassed her and tells me she hates me.

 

It's been almost two years now and she's gone back to her country and we've been talking on and off for a while. Though recently she keeps dropping the conversations and we don't talk for a week.

 

I love her so much, I've never felt this way about anyone and want her back. I know she likes me but I'm at a dead end on what to do.

 

Help? Thanks for any advice.

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Wow... It amazes me how much men will overlook when it comes to a beautiful woman.

 

Someone who yells at people at work is not only unprofessional but...."not a nice person" (I'm toning it down here). She was also seeing another coworker and, wtf, she has a baby from another dude! Oh, and you finding out about the other coworker "embarrassed her" so you're the bad guy! Huh? Is rude and argumentative once you guys are intimate...my head is spinning here.

 

Don't be a sucker for beauty. I'd say you were right the first time.

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ExpatInItaly

OP, you need to change your mindset firstly. You can let her go. You don't want to, but you can. This is something you do in fact have control over.

 

She's not as great as you make it sound. She neglected to tell you she has child (which she brings out on a date until 2 am...??), was nasty to you the first time you met, was seeing someone else at the same time as she was seeing you - put that all together for a moment. Does that really sound like a quality woman to you? Also, where was the father of her baby? If she used to be engaged to him, I don't get why she was still wearing the ring around her neck.

 

I know you don't want to hear this, but I'm fairly confident this was more of a fun fling for her. She liked the attention. Unfortunately, you got attached. I'm not sure what signals you've gotten that she still likes you, especially given that she lets the conversations die off. What sorts of things do you talk about? If you're in different countries, and haven't seen each other in two years, I'm not sure what to tell you. If she has no plans of moving back to where you are, it's done.

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stubbonlysoppy

Think wires got crossed somewhere, sorry about that.

 

I was the one who yelled at him, I was upset and betrayed. However I was sensible enough to realize that it was stupid and unprofessional so I quit the same day.

 

And the bit I missed out was that he said those things, she didn't mention him at all when I talked to her, I understand that he could of been lying to get me out of the way. Or they really could of been seeing each other. That doesn't really matter now, she's not with him so.....yea.

 

I also realize that I am a gigantic sucker, but I believe that she is the one for me :)

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stubbonlysoppy
What sorts of things do you talk about? If you're in different countries, and haven't seen each other in two years, I'm not sure what to tell you. If she has no plans of moving back to where you are, it's done.

 

We talk about what we've been doing, general chit chat. But she keeps asking things like 'Do you have a girlfriend/what would you do if I came back there' etc.

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She picked you up with a baby in the back seat and you stayed out until 2am partying? Was the baby in the backseat the entire time?

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stubbonlysoppy
She picked you up with a baby in the back seat and you stayed out until 2am partying? Was the baby in the backseat the entire time?

 

No no no, we went to the beach and had a couple of drinks in the car. Talked for ages then made out and sobered up, she dropped me off and went home.

 

She's a good person and a good mom, it's my fault if she's not interested and I got attached. But I believe she likes me. And I've never encounter anyone like her before or since.

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ExpatInItaly
We talk about what we've been doing, general chit chat. But she keeps asking things like 'Do you have a girlfriend/what would you do if I came back there' etc.

 

So the baby's father is not in the picture at all? Where is he? I can't imagine he'd be too thrilled about having his child moved all over the place.

 

I wouldn't take her very seriously unless and until she has a plane ticket in her hands. Do you have any plans to visit, or vice versa?

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ExpatInItaly
No no no, we went to the beach and had a couple of drinks in the car. Talked for ages then made out and sobered up, she dropped me off and went home.

 

She's a good person and a good mom, it's my fault if she's not interested and I got attached. But I believe she likes me. And I've never encounter anyone like her before or since.

 

And the baby was...where?

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stubbonlysoppy
So the baby's father is not in the picture at all? Where is he? I can't imagine he'd be too thrilled about having his child moved all over the place.

 

I wouldn't take her very seriously unless and until she has a plane ticket in her hands. Do you have any plans to visit, or vice versa?

 

He visits his child every so often, and it's a fact that she wouldn't see him at all if it weren't for that.

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And the baby was...where?

 

In the back seat.

 

While they got drunk in the front seat. And, then made out. And, then sobered up, so she could drive him - and her baby - to their respective homes.

 

At 2:00AM.

 

'Cuz they both had to go work the next day.

 

 

 

 

'Cuz they're responsible adults. :confused:

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ExpatInItaly
In the car, asleep.

 

Ya I'm making this sound bad....

 

It is bad.

 

One thing is clear: she has terrible judgement. A responsible mother does not take her child out until 2 am while she drinks and then drives. There is no way to make that sound okay.

 

Trust me OP, you can do a lot better than a woman like this.

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stubbonlysoppy

Can we just please not? I'm not looking for judgement. I'm here for help.

 

Sorry if it sounds like I'm just ignoring you, but the answer I want is the one that at least gives me a shot.

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It is bad.

 

One thing is clear: she has terrible judgement. A responsible mother does not take her child out until 2 am while she drinks and then drives. There is no way to make that sound okay.

 

Trust me OP, you can do a lot better than a woman like this.

 

Hold up, now...let's not be too hasty, here!

 

HE was right there drinking and making-out with her, 'til 2:00AM with "some baby in the back seat"...which turned out to be her kid...which she'd never mentioned before.

 

 

OP may be right...this may be a match made in heaven and perhaps he should follow her to the ends of the earth so they can be together.

 

 

Can we just please not? I'm not looking for judgement. I'm here for help.

 

Sorry if it sounds like I'm just ignoring you, but the answer I want is the one that at least gives me a shot.

 

 

OP, I'm encouraging YOU to be with HER. It reads like you two are perfect for one another.

Edited by mrldii
additional post added after reply...
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Folks, this kind of 'help' is not in the spirit of LoveShack.org's guidelines so save it for the streetcorner soapbox and keep it off our forum. Respectful discussion is expected. Thank you!

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stubbonlysoppy
Folks, this kind of 'help' is not in the spirit of LoveShack.org's guidelines so save it for the streetcorner soapbox and keep it off our forum. Respectful discussion is expected. Thank you!

 

Thank you, people seem to forget that this is not their life.

 

You do not know her, you do not know me. So please help or move on.

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todreaminblue
Can we just please not? I'm not looking for judgement. I'm here for help.

 

Sorry if it sounds like I'm just ignoring you, but the answer I want is the one that at least gives me a shot.

 

 

I know the advice you want to hear,

and its probably not the right advice i fear,

so i wont judge her as you say,

and ill give my advice anyway,

the only way to get her back you know,

is to calmly and peacefully let her go,

not to give in to her cries for attention,

when she4 asks what you do and seeks out affection,

be firm be clear be who you are,

and keep your love untold and from afar,

i wont tell you that this woman is not right for you,

thats obviously for you to decide and mistakes to go through,

so i wish you well my friend,

and let us know how it ends..

love is for all of us, even us fools,

love has no rhyme or reason and breaks all the rules

but love is kind and patient and waits forever

love exists when it rains not only in sunny weather

so weather the storms

and be warned

not all who fall in love,then try to keep love alive

have a happy ending and in a love eternal survive....good luck...deb

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OP, affairs of the heart can be tough ones, BTDT many times as a young man and I remember one love affair with a Ukrainian lady very well, even though it was 20 years ago.

 

Bottom line, and Deb (above) expressed it very well, is accepting the real and letting her go for now and moving on with your own life. Hard? Yes! Sometimes we have to let go of people we love.

 

If things worked out, you'd be together. Finishing this business will help you form new, healthy relationships and any contact you have with her in the future in your life will be new and fresh and unfettered by what has gone before because, well, you finished the business of before.

 

The fact that you're 22 underscores how these experiences teach life lessons and it's completely normal to feel the wide range of often dramatic emotions you're sharing here; it's part of being young.

 

If you must retain contact with her, one thing to try is to consciously ramp down expectations. Whatever happens, happens. If an interaction is enjoyable, that. If not enjoyable, that. If neutral, that. Once over, it is the past and no future is expected. Each interaction is a discrete moment of life.

 

Good luck!

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ExpatInItaly
Thank you, people seem to forget that this is not their life.

 

You do not know her, you do not know me. So please help or move on.

 

You're right. It's actually the child's life...

 

 

Anyway - I asked you whether you had plans to visit her? Or she to visit you? If you could answer that question, you would get some feedback on where to go from there.

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stubbonlysoppy

Anyway - I asked you whether you had plans to visit her? Or she to visit you? If you could answer that question, you would get some feedback on where to go from there.

 

No plans, but if she were to come over here for work or just visiting friends then we would meet up. As what I really can't say, friends seems weird...

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It sounds like you are better off that's she's gone. Don't ever get involved with a crazy lady. Isn't there another woman out there you might like to kiss? Do yourself a favor and find a sane one who likes you first and a lot, and you'll have less problems.

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OP, you seem hopelessly in love with this woman, at least on your end; I don't know how things look like for her.

 

If you like her so much, why aren't you making concrete plans? You sound like IF she comes over, you two will just hang out and have some fun. And then what?

 

If I were that serious about a woman (forget about what her character is, etc.), and if she lives in a foreign country, and has a baby on top of that, I would try to improve my skill set/education and make enough money so I could make it possible to get a place so she could come over with her baby and live with me. Can you be a provider for yourself, let alone for her and her baby? You've had two years. Where are you at as far as improving yourself, getting your act together, and making real plans to bring the woman of your dream (and her baby!) over?

 

And that's just the first step--being capable and earning enough. Even if you have this, you still have to persuade her to come to you. You said she's been ending conversations. That doesn't sound good. Maybe, just maybe, you haven't proved to her that you are serious husband/BF material. I don't know what your situation is, but at 22, I think you can barely provide for yourself, let alone sustain a household. Why would she come over and be with you if (IF--I could be wrong) you haven't shown her what you're made of as a provider?

 

If you're just looking for fun and games, then yeah, no problem. But you sound desperate for her love and I haven't seen evidence that you're doing anything to really attract a woman, especially one her age where she needs a real man.

 

So I guess my half-educated advice (since I don't know your entire situation) is that you man up, be financially stable, and try to bring her over, kid and everything. If you don't have what it takes, you will need to back up (or else she isn't interested).

 

And this is just the simple part--being able to sustain life. How you can attract her emotionally and sexually is harder to say...

 

So that's my advice on how you can woo her. Are you ready for a serious relationship with her?

Edited by highseas
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