amymarieca Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 So here is what happened and I'm really hoping you guys can help. I saw what looked like a random phone number show up on my boyfriends phone. I jokingly asked him who it was from (we always kind of joke around about stupid things like that on both ends). For some reason I thought he was being really secretive and he would not tell me who's number it was. It turns out he was doing this because he was a little ticked I would press him about the issue in the first place. I actually called the number myself to see who it was. It was one of his guy friends from a long time ago. He got really mad at me and is now considering leaving the relationship. He said he needs some time and worst case scenario we will stay friends. I'm devastated and don't want to lose him. What do I do? Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 Your only option is to be bold. Tell him if he wants to keep you, no game playing, no secrets. Just answer the ****ing question. Show any weakness, and you're doomed. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 I think all you can do is try to explain as you did here AND admit that behind the joking was obviously some truth on your end (i.e. you didn't believe him and it spiraled out of control with you checking the number out). He is obviously pissed because you don't trust him, and checking up on him that makes him feel trapped and you look insecure and not as attractive as a partner for him. Fall on your sword. Even if his "secrecy" was causing you to check up on him, don't bring that up---unless you want to say that you mistook his need for appropriate privacy as secrecy. But if you act as if it was secrecy too much and that he contributed to the escalation of the fight, it might fall on deaf ears. I would apologize as much as possible for your portion and when explaining the reasons, be careful not to further blame him. good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Anderlie Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 All you can really do is beg forgiveness and promise never to do it again - and mean it. No looking at his phone when it rings, no touching any of his electronics without his permission and work on your insecurity and demonstrate to him that you're doing so. Even then he may not take you back so you need to be ready for that but at least hopefully you'll have made some good personal strides anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
OMC Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 Your only option is to be bold. Tell him if he wants to keep you, no game playing, no secrets. Just answer the ****ing question. Show any weakness, and you're doomed. So how does that work out for you mightycpa? Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 So here is what happened and I'm really hoping you guys can help. I saw what looked like a random phone number show up on my boyfriends phone. I jokingly asked him who it was from (we always kind of joke around about stupid things like that on both ends). For some reason I thought he was being really secretive and he would not tell me who's number it was. It turns out he was doing this because he was a little ticked I would press him about the issue in the first place. I actually called the number myself to see who it was. It was one of his guy friends from a long time ago. He got really mad at me and is now considering leaving the relationship. He said he needs some time and worst case scenario we will stay friends. I'm devastated and don't want to lose him. What do I do? You need to look at this situation very closely for yourself. Is there something else going on that is causing you to feel insecure in the relationship anyway? Has he seemed to be pulling away from you at all recently -- seeing you less often or reduced communication? If there isn't anything else going on, then this is an internal source of insecurity. I'd simply apologize and acknowledge that what you did was wrong and then, give him space. This is a breach of trust between you now. You don't trust him and now he can't trust you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author amymarieca Posted July 23, 2015 Author Share Posted July 23, 2015 You need to look at this situation very closely for yourself. Is there something else going on that is causing you to feel insecure in the relationship anyway? Has he seemed to be pulling away from you at all recently -- seeing you less often or reduced communication? If there isn't anything else going on, then this is an internal source of insecurity. I'd simply apologize and acknowledge that what you did was wrong and then, give him space. This is a breach of trust between you now. You don't trust him and now he can't trust you. I've always been an insecure person, so there's no single situation that particularity set it off. I think he's just fed up with my trust issues 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author amymarieca Posted July 23, 2015 Author Share Posted July 23, 2015 So I sent him a short text today asking how he was feeling. We had small talk and I apologized again for what I did and said I was afraid to lose him. His last message said this 'All humans are like sand, the more we try to put in our hands and squeeze the more we escape. That's it for now. Talk soon.' What the heck is that supposed to mean? Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 So how does that work out for you mightycpa?in the short run, it varies. in the long run, like gold. because who wants to be with someone who plays games and hides stuff? Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 So I sent him a short text today asking how he was feeling. We had small talk and I apologized again for what I did and said I was afraid to lose him. **His last message said this 'All humans are like sand, the more we try to put in our hands and squeeze the more we escape. That's it for now. Talk soon.' What the heck is that supposed to mean?**** It means the more you apologize and try to make "nice" (i.e. squeeze), the more he feels like pulling away (i.e. escape). Time to leave him alone, and give him space. No more texts, no more calls. When (and if) he is ready, he will come to you. I'm sorry but you really have no choice but to do this. You are pushing him away. Please seek help for your trust issues. Don't know what will happen with this particular guy, maybe he will want to work it out, maybe not. In any event though, if you don't get a handle on your trust issues, the same thing will happen with the next guy. And the next after him, and the next after him. Lesson learned. Good luck hon. Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 he's mindfcking you and enjoys you're running around. "Talk soon" means he absolutely enjoys the negative attention. I would use mightycpa's point: tell him he should stop playing games with you and when and if he's willing to have a decent RS, he should give you a ring. And then disappear. Really, if I were you, I would vanish. Just like that. Disappear. That'll teach him to jerk your chain. People who give ultimatums are dangerous. Personally, I don't negotiate with terrorists. Be very careful, if you do start to chase him and shower him with texts and calls and attention, you are encouraging negative behavior. In the mean time, try to work on our confidence issues and think really really hard: is it your confidence issues or is it the intuition that's telling you something? Some men love to confuse women... Personally, I choose to actively remove people like that from my entourage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 So I sent him a short text today asking how he was feeling. We had small talk and I apologized again for what I did and said I was afraid to lose him. His last message said this 'All humans are like sand, the more we try to put in our hands and squeeze the more we escape. That's it for now. Talk soon.' What the heck is that supposed to mean? It means the tighter you hold onto him, the more he is going to want to escape from you. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 he's mindfcking you and enjoys you're running around. "Talk soon" means he absolutely enjoys the negative attention. I would use mightycpa's point: tell him he should stop playing games with you and when and if he's willing to have a decent RS, he should give you a ring. And then disappear. Really, if I were you, I would vanish. Just like that. Disappear. That'll teach him to jerk your chain. People who give ultimatums are dangerous. Personally, I don't negotiate with terrorists. Be very careful, if you do start to chase him and shower him with texts and calls and attention, you are encouraging negative behavior. In the mean time, try to work on our confidence issues and think really really hard: is it your confidence issues or is it the intuition that's telling you something? Some men love to confuse women... **Personally, I choose to actively remove people like that from my entourage.*** Wow, you have an entourage? Lucky girl!!!! :bunny: Good advice too...especially the part about the vanishing! Right up my alley. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 Your insecurity has you so freaked out over losing him, it's making him no want to be with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PogoStick Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 Well it shows she doesn't trust him so why should he take the heat for that. It does make her come off as the crazy, jealous gf. What if he was planning a surprise bday party or buying her engagement ring or something, and she blew it? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 You should never give up your rights for transparency if you are a serious long-term couple. But then you shouldn't be a serious long-term couple if one of you has good reason to distrust the other, so.... If he's given you no reason to distrust, then it's your issue. But if he ever does or has in the past, don't take the blame for this. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 I've always been an insecure person, so there's no single situation that particularity set it off. I think he's just fed up with my trust issues Which means you haven't taken responsibility to actually correct this behavior......can you really blame him? What will it take? Losing him? Link to post Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 You both sound like game players or immature. Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 Well it shows she doesn't trust him so why should he take the heat for that. It does make her come off as the crazy, jealous gf. What if he was planning a surprise bday party or buying her engagement ring or something, and she blew it? Well, I'm not sure he should take the heat exactly. He could have lied to protect a secret like that. That would have been both understandable and forgivable. His foul was being coy and not addressing, maybe even intensifying her concern. But her foul was when she called the number, not when she asked the question. In the whole scheme of things, this is probably worse than his. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 Well it shows she doesn't trust him so why should he take the heat for that. It does make her come off as the crazy, jealous gf. What if he was planning a surprise bday party or buying her engagement ring or something, and she blew it? I think that crazy and jealousy can be treated with talks, confrontation and openness, not games. The guy played games, kept pushing a button she was sensitive to and then what did he do? HE broke up with her. No. You talk, you don't leave. You scream, you shout, you TALK. People who give ultimatums and who leave the RS just like that are not worthy of any emotional investment. How is it that him leaving the RS is going to help them ? How is that text helping, especially that condescending "talk soon" part? Well, if you had something positive and constructive to say, you have to say it during the RS, when you can still fix it. What does the guy do? He pushes her button getting her worried sick instead of building confidence and reassurance, leaves her - which only would make any women a little bit emotionally involved go crazy, and then sends "intelligent" texts pushing her nose in it and following up with "talk soon", after she's already told him in person and via text that she is sorry. Can one spell "jerk her chain" and "ego boosting"? Time off is the best thing that I can think of. Temporarily or permanently. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 Or he is just sick of her crap..... When he continually shows her he is trust worthy every time she gets insecure only exasperates her behavior. Only way to break the cycle is not to play into it....it worked....she tripped on herself and learned a lesson. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 Well, I'm not sure he should take the heat exactly. He could have lied to protect a secret like that. That would have been both understandable and forgivable. ***His foul was being coy and not addressing, maybe even intensifying her concern.*** But her foul was when she called the number, not when she asked the question. In the whole scheme of things, this is probably worse than his. Quote in asterisk, good point. By evading her question, and behaving elusively about it, it sounds like he was intentionally feeding her insecurities, which is definitely not cool either! I mean, why not just her whose number it was? An old friend. Instead, he evades the question, leaving her to think God only knows what. So of course, she called the number! I am a very secure person, but in the same situation, with my boyfriend being so elusive and secretive about it, I may have called the number too! He had to have known avoiding the question would trigger her insecurities! Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 Or he is just sick of her crap..... When he continually shows her he is trust worthy every time she gets insecure only exasperates her behavior. Only way to break the cycle is not to play into it....it worked....she tripped on herself and learned a lesson. Although this: 'All humans are like sand, the more we try to put in our hands and squeeze the more we escape. That's it for now. Talk soon.' is more game-playing crap. He should tell her to step off, if that's how he feels. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 Well, I'm not sure he should take the heat exactly. He could have lied to protect a secret like that. That would have been both understandable and forgivable. His foul was being coy and not addressing, maybe even intensifying her concern. But her foul was when she called the number, not when she asked the question. In the whole scheme of things, this is probably worse than his. I understand that point. I really do. But in RS, fault is hardly ever one sided. How about his side of responsibility? His lack of concern about her feelings and worries? I know nothing about the poster, but what if she comes after a guy cheated on her and she's a bit freaked out? Everyone comes with an emotional baggage, smaller or larger... I am not pointing fingers, but what I am saying is: she def is in the wrong, giving in to her fears. If the guy was a cheater, however, she would have busted his arse and everyone here would have said "well done for listening to your intuition". These sensitive matters - trust, reliability - are build upon. In the end, yes, she may need a much higher degree of reassurance - and it may be her issue to deal with. Irrelevant, that man did nothing - that the OP told us - to reassure her. He only rubbed her the wrong way, dumped her and then rubbed her nose in it some more. whether she decides to work on her trust issues or not, she will always have that emotional need that the man chose to not address. You cannot just dismiss something this important because you don't like it. HEr trust issues are part of herself. He completely and totally rejects it, well... he completely and totally rejects her. If she could, if that thing wouldn't have been important to her, would she have called? everyone messes up, in RS. big time. How your partner treats you, in those times when you have messed up, is the true measure of that RS and of his emotional involvement. Kindness. Compassion. Empathy. This guy couldn't be quicker out the door. Well... I may be harsh, but he should stay on that side of the door... Link to post Share on other sites
Maleficent Posted July 23, 2015 Share Posted July 23, 2015 Gosh, he could gave simply told you it was hus friend from long ago and that he didn't appreciate the question. Instead he made sure you would be extra suspucious by refusing to answwer. The guy is kind of a douche... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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