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Dating when you're in your 20s and live with your parents


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So I recently turned 28 and I live with my parents. I know it's basically taboo to be living with your parents in your late 20s but honestly, I think I made the right decision. I've paid off all of my student loans, my car loan, and have a 20% down payment saved for a house/condo in one of the more expensive areas in America. On top of that my commute to work is under 20 minutes. I'm happy with were I am and when I hear my friends talk about how they are on pace to have their student loans paid off around age 40 it makes me feel like I made a pretty good decision.

 

But almost every time the topic comes up with a girl I meet online it's like I told them I'm Hitler reincarnated. I'm pretty sure I'd be dating great girls pretty consistently if it weren't for this.

 

Right now I could very easily afford to rent a place but the truth is I don't want to get stuck in a lease while looking for a place to buy. I communicate this with the girls I meet, but it doesn't seem to help. I'm trying my best to find a place to buy but the real estate market is nuts where I live so it's taking longer than I anticipated. On back to back weeks I considered putting offers in on condos only to have them sell immediately for 10-12% over the asking price. Just crazy.

 

I guess I just don't get it. I know living with your parents makes it seem like you may not be independent and "adult" but it's not like I'm unemployed with no aspirations like the stereotypical 40 year old you see living in their parents basement in movies. Maybe they just don't believe me?

 

What do you guys think? Women, would you not date a guy in my shoes who otherwise seems like a great guy? Guys, have any of you been in my shoes, and if so, how did that go for you? Any tips/suggestions?

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fitnessfan365

Look at it this way man.

 

You've got a great way to see what type of person a woman is. If she's genuine and dating for the right reasons, it won't automatically drive her away. But anytime you meet a woman that wants to bail right off the bat, she isn't worth dating anyways. In the long run, you'll be thankful that none of those women were interested.

 

It would be hilarious if you turned it around on them though. Next time you meet a woman that has a HUGE problem with it say "Actually I don't live with my parents, but I find that it's a great way to see what type of person a woman really is. Clearly you failed and I'm no longer interested".

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While I would not be thrilled that a 28 year old now financially independent man still lives with mom & dad, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt initially due to the responsible financial decisions. However, if mommy is still cooking his meals & doing his laundry, I'd be less likely to stick around because allowing parents to continue to support you doesn't bode well for the future IMO.

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I believe you made the right choice too.

 

I met my current fiancé while I was living with my parents and did not tell her my finical status at the time. I simply would say that I am close to my parents and we spend a lot of time together, once I find somebody I wish to take it to the next level I will get a place. If that was a showstopper for somebody so be it. After being with g/f at the time for a year I bought a nice place and we moved in. My guess is not so much where you live but what you do for a living. If you are 28 and have no career you will come off as somebody with no goals or aspirations.

 

Make the right choices regardless of what society says you need. No debt at 30 with college is a great start to financial stability. Don’t rush in to buy a place, look for an awhile and make sure you get what you want where you want. Wait another year if the market is not a buyers’ market.

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I think you are only fooling yourself by thinking that it will somehow pay off. Property prices always go up and saving up for a place leads for forever saving because the by the time you save for the deposit on a $300k apartment guess what that place is now $450k... you saved the deposit for the $450k place? Oh well now it's $600k.

 

Buying a property with a mortgage is effectively saving, and paying off your loans early is you not taking advantage of the capitalist world we live in (i.e. a debt driven economy). I'm 26 and my parents told me that in "their time" very few 26 year olds would drive new Bimmers or already own their an apartment but in 2015 it's pretty common — this is all possible through responsible borrowing. If you think about it a guy with lots of debt is just as if not more financially stable than a guy with no debt provided that he can comfortably make ends meet.

 

You saying the whole I'm being responsible and have no debt blah blah is no different to the guy that drives a vegetable-oil powered car and says he's doing it to save the environment. Ultimately it just screams loser and gives the image of a guy that has dreams that will never materialize. Unless she knows you for a long time, already gets you and is understanding then you can't expect her to not be put off by you still living with your parents. When you go on a first or second date, or met a girl online then everything is taken at face value.

 

You have a stable job so get your own place. Until then I wouldn't even bring it up.

Edited by wb1988
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So I recently turned 28 and I live with my parents. I know it's basically taboo to be living with your parents in your late 20s but honestly, I think I made the right decision. I've paid off all of my student loans, my car loan, and have a 20% down payment saved for a house/condo in one of the more expensive areas in America. On top of that my commute to work is under 20 minutes. I'm happy with were I am and when I hear my friends talk about how they are on pace to have their student loans paid off around age 40 it makes me feel like I made a pretty good decision.

 

But almost every time the topic comes up with a girl I meet online it's like I told them I'm Hitler reincarnated. I'm pretty sure I'd be dating great girls pretty consistently if it weren't for this.

 

Right now I could very easily afford to rent a place but the truth is I don't want to get stuck in a lease while looking for a place to buy. I communicate this with the girls I meet, but it doesn't seem to help. I'm trying my best to find a place to buy but the real estate market is nuts where I live so it's taking longer than I anticipated. On back to back weeks I considered putting offers in on condos only to have them sell immediately for 10-12% over the asking price. Just crazy.

 

I guess I just don't get it. I know living with your parents makes it seem like you may not be independent and "adult" but it's not like I'm unemployed with no aspirations like the stereotypical 40 year old you see living in their parents basement in movies. Maybe they just don't believe me?

 

What do you guys think? Women, would you not date a guy in my shoes who otherwise seems like a great guy? Guys, have any of you been in my shoes, and if so, how did that go for you? Any tips/suggestions?

 

Women are socially conditioned to think that men that live with their parents are losers, no matter what your circumstances. I'm sorry, but that's the truth and you're not going to change the mind of 99% of the female population. If you want to date, you're going to need to rent an apartment. Even a crappy one, it doesn't matter.

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Michelle ma Belle

I'm Italian/French which means that it's not uncommon for adult children to live with their parents until marriage, particularly in Italy.

 

In many Asian and Indian countries, you'll find several generations living under the same roof. Setting out on ones own right out of university is primarily a North American thing.

 

Personally, as long as you're someone who has their sh*t together, have aspirations of your own and as long as your parents are fine with the living arrangement for the time being I don't have a problem with it.

 

Then again, I'm not in my twenties anymore so my perspective may be a more open and tolerant one in comparison to the younger girls these days :p

Edited by Michelle ma Belle
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To OP: I think you've made a good financial and personal decision to stay debt-free. You have even saved up for a down payment on a house when you're not quite 30. Having said that a lot of women are going to have problems once you mention you live with your parents. They don't have the context, the story, and may not even give you time to explain yourself (assuming they even believe you).

 

You may have to hide the fact that you live with your parents at least initially. It will have to come out eventually; she may ask you or she may want to go back to your place, etc. Hopefully by that time you will have built enough of a relationship to sit her down and explain your big financial plans.

 

A lot of people mistake flashy cars and other outward appearances of wealth built on mountains of DEBT to be financial stability. Sometimes, you have to take on debt, healthy debt, but if you can avoid it by living a few years with your parents I don't see why not.

 

But try to get out of the house as soon as you can, but don't rush into buying a place either just because you want a place for dating purposes. Someone mentioned renting a cheap place. I think that may work. A small, neat, cheap place that shows you have some independence. Is it possible to find short leases in your area? I would go for a 3 or 6 month lease if at all possible. I was looking for a house and didn't want to "waste" money on rent, but gladly I found a place without a lease. Have you considered subleasing or sharing a place with friends?

 

In short, hide the fact as long as possible, buy time to build trust with her, sit her down and explain when trust is built, buy your own place soon but without rushing.

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Just think of how much money we could all save if we lived with our parents forever! :laugh:

 

I have no issue with people who live with mom and dad for a period of time while they get on their feet, but you are starting to push it to the extreme. I guess it would depend more on the exact scenario -- are you seriously house hunting or just talking about it? What is your time table? Do you live essentially independently from your parents? (Doing your own laundry, buying your own food, cooking your own meals, on your own insurance, etc.). Growing up isn't only about learning to be financially responsible -- it's about dealing with life without the crutch of mom and dad. It's always been a turn off for me when men rely on that crutch for too long. I also don't understand people who don't want to get out on their own.

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LookAtThisPOst
So I recently turned 28 and I live with my parents. I know it's basically taboo to be living with your parents in your late 20s but honestly, I think I made the right decision. I've paid off all of my student loans, my car loan, and have a 20% down payment saved for a house/condo in one of the more expensive areas in America. On top of that my commute to work is under 20 minutes. I'm happy with were I am and when I hear my friends talk about how they are on pace to have their student loans paid off around age 40 it makes me feel like I made a pretty good decision.

 

But almost every time the topic comes up with a girl I meet online it's like I told them I'm Hitler reincarnated. I'm pretty sure I'd be dating great girls pretty consistently if it weren't for this.

 

Right now I could very easily afford to rent a place but the truth is I don't want to get stuck in a lease while looking for a place to buy. I communicate this with the girls I meet, but it doesn't seem to help. I'm trying my best to find a place to buy but the real estate market is nuts where I live so it's taking longer than I anticipated. On back to back weeks I considered putting offers in on condos only to have them sell immediately for 10-12% over the asking price. Just crazy.

 

I guess I just don't get it. I know living with your parents makes it seem like you may not be independent and "adult" but it's not like I'm unemployed with no aspirations like the stereotypical 40 year old you see living in their parents basement in movies. Maybe they just don't believe me?

 

What do you guys think? Women, would you not date a guy in my shoes who otherwise seems like a great guy? Guys, have any of you been in my shoes, and if so, how did that go for you? Any tips/suggestions?

 

Well, it sounds like you have a pretty good plan, esp. when you're prepping for that down payment of 20%.

I applaud you and women should hear of your situation, if they aren't willing and judge dramatically, chances are they are judgmental about other things.

 

I get a kick out of how I had a couple of women tell me that they "moved out when they were 18" , when they were really just shackin' up with their boyfriend...sharing their expenses which made it easier on them.

 

I remember telling them I went into the military when I was 18 and how they said, "That doesn't count as living on your own' because the military is footing the bill for rent, food, etc." Now that was laughable.

 

You may want to seek out someone that shares the same mindset as you do, like for instance a Hispanic woman wouldn't likely have a problem with someone still living with their parents into their 20s as they can empathize with you on this as their family is likely to have young adults still living with their parents.

 

Those are that go off to college and then come back home in their 20s, this is VERY common and these people shouldn't be kicked to the curb as a dating prospect, esp. if they have a PLAN like the OP.

 

I'm Italian/French which means that it's not uncommon for adult children to live with their parents until marriage, particularly in Italy

 

Right, I've even seen this happen in the South (in America). Even if they move out, they stay within the same residential areas as their kin. You need to find someone with this kind of background.

Edited by LookAtThisPOst
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Rent a cheap place for dating reasons is an insane idea and a waste of money. OP should just house hunt until he finds the right place regardless of what women require.

 

If you are truly worried about this instead of saying you live with your parents, tell them you are currently house hunting. Get a realtor and they will email you listings for your proof. You can even have a few of those listing as conversations about what they think. At this point MOST women won’t care if you tell them you are currently at your parents while looking as you already have a game plan explained.

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What you have done is VERY mature and smart. Being 28 and at home is not weird at all. It would only be weird if you had a long term girlfriend AND were financially able to live on your own.

 

I can't see how any girl would be weirded out about this once you explained why you still live at home. In your case, it has nothing to do with being dependent on your parents.

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Because they know you can't become a man until you're no longer living with mommy. Until Mother isn't taking care of you, you have no idea what it's like to take care of yourself and you have never had time with yourself to find out who you are away from your parents' influence. And you're way past that time. It's a necessary life stage to leave home. You can't go past that stage until you do.

 

Okay, great, you got your debts paid off and saved some money. So get your own place, whether you rent or own, and start the next phase of your life.

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hhmm, to me you would just come across as someone who chose the easy path. Living at home means at 28 you never had to struggle to pay your rent or groceries, never had to budget, never worried about where you'll find that money for your car repair. You never came back to an empty home, never had an empty fridge. You spent the last 10 years eating your mom's cooking and she probably did your laundry too. All those years you were suppose to learn about life by struggling you spent them under the wings of mom and dad while slowly piling up your money. It would worry me to be in a relationship with a man that's never been on his own yet.

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ManyDissapoint
hhmm, to me you would just come across as someone who chose the easy path. Living at home means at 28 you never had to struggle to pay your rent or groceries, never had to budget, never worried about where you'll find that money for your car repair. You never came back to an empty home, never had an empty fridge. You spent the last 10 years eating your mom's cooking and she probably did your laundry too. All those years you were suppose to learn about life by struggling you spent them under the wings of mom and dad while slowly piling up your money. It would worry me to be in a relationship with a man that's never been on his own yet.

 

It is not hard to learn to do these things. What is a hard and rarer trait is someone who is good with their finances. Obviously this stigma is a real one, and you can have a hard time with it.

 

Furthermore if anyone has had a loving mother with caretaking tendencies, just TRY not eating the food she makes and see how well that goes for you.

 

That being said it sounds like you really need to leave the nest by now. I would date you, but that's hardly a consolation since I have the wrong parts.

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I'm Italian/French which means that it's not uncommon for adult children to live with their parents until marriage, particularly in Italy.

 

In many Asian and Indian countries, you'll find several generations living under the same roof. Setting out on ones own right out of university is primarily a North American thing.

 

Personally, as long as you're someone who has their sh*t together

 

The OP does not live in Italy, India or Asia.

 

Also saying that you live with your parents and have your **** together is an oxymoron.

 

A lot of people mistake flashy cars and other outward appearances of wealth built on mountains of DEBT to be financial stability. Sometimes, you have to take on debt, healthy debt, but if you can avoid it by living a few years with your parents I don't see why not.

 

But try to get out of the house as soon as you can, but don't rush into buying a place either just because you want a place for dating purposes. Someone mentioned renting a cheap place. I think that may work. A small, neat, cheap place that shows you have some independence. Is it possible to find short leases in your area? I would go for a 3 or 6 month lease if at all possible. I was looking for a house and didn't want to "waste" money on rent, but gladly I found a place without a lease.

 

I recently bought a new Bimmer on finance and even after my mortgage payments and bills I still have enough to frequently shop for clothes, daily starbucks, have regular amazon/ebay/zara deliveries and go out twice a week. My friends consider it to be pretty flashy for a 26yo but If I make ends meet then it's more of a "work hard, play hard" lifestyle as I say. I've got quite a bit of debt (including credit card debt) that I comfortably pay off but I'm probably more financially stable than the OP who has no debt. It also sounds like the OP will have trouble acquiring credit in the future because who wants to lend to a loser that lives with his parents and has never borrowed.

 

Rent a cheap place for dating reasons is an insane idea and a waste of money. OP should just house hunt until he finds the right place regardless of what women require.

 

If you are truly worried about this instead of saying you live with your parents, tell them you are currently house hunting. Get a realtor and they will email you listings for your proof. You can even have a few of those listing as conversations about what they think. At this point MOST women won’t care if you tell them you are currently at your parents while looking as you already have a game plan explained.

 

100% agree, best advice. I did this when I didn't have a car :D

Edited by wb1988
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IMO you should sock your money away until you get married, and just rent. The bigger the down payment you save for the better. If a girl lives with you when you own, it's going to be an argument about paying fair share....seen enough threads about this.

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I recently bought a new Bimmer on finance and even after my mortgage payments and bills I still have enough to frequently shop for clothes, daily starbucks, have regular amazon/ebay/zara deliveries and go out twice a week. My friends consider it to be pretty flashy for a 26yo but If I make ends meet then it's more of a "work hard, play hard" lifestyle as I say. I've got quite a bit of debt (including credit card debt) that I comfortably pay off but I'm probably more financially stable than the OP who has no debt. It also sounds like the OP will have trouble acquiring credit in the future because who wants to lend to a loser that lives with his parents and has never borrowed.

 

 

 

 

You are crazy if you think that a lot debt is OK especially credit card debt. You then compare yourself to a debt free person and considered your self in a better position financially. Its up there on one of the most craziest things i have read. Having a ton of unsecured debt and assets that you don't actually own (the bank does) does not mean your financially stable.

 

I don't know what you have financially but the way you are talking i would see red flags if you were female and turn the other way. However, if I was a sales person I would welcome you into the shop ASAP.

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This is what I'd go with:

 

When I sold my last place, the house I was going to buy fell through. I was so pissed! I'm still looking, and in the meantime, it was either be homeless, live in my car, or hold my nose and live with mom and dad for a while. It's not so bad, because I know it won't last forever.

 

What about you? Do you own a condo, a townhouse or a single family home?

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Clarence_Boddicker

There's a flip side to that coin. 10 years of lost living & experiences. Unless you go prenup, you can lose 1/2 of what you worked for if you marry the wrong girl.

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LookAtThisPOst
I've got quite a bit of debt (including credit card debt) that I comfortably pay off but I'm probably more financially stable than the OP who has no debt.

 

Funny, you call the OP what he said an "oxymoron", when what you just stated the above quoted is an oxymoron.

 

This is the opposite of being financially stable. If you have "quite a bit of debt" you are not "financially stable" esp. for someone who buys overpriced coffee.

 

That was good for a chuckle though.

 

It also sounds like the OP will have trouble acquiring credit in the future because who wants to lend to a loser that lives with his parents and has never borrowed.

 

I paid everything cash until I got into my late 20s, had no need to use one, as I was "financially stable" enough to pay cash for some things.

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Some women will be put off dating you, some won't. It's probably a good way of filtering out prospective dates and ending up dating more genuine, less superficial people. It's a win win situation, if you look at it that way!

 

I do think it's admirable to have paid off your debts and saved a good deposit for a condo. I would caution waiting too much longer to get your foot on the property ladder, however, for a number of reasons.

 

You say you live in an area where there is a lot of competition for properties. This isn't likely to change in the near future. Whilst you keep saving for that elusive ideal condo, prices will keep edging up and you'll keep missing out. If properties you look at are 10-15% more expensive than you can afford, you may need to lower your expectations and look at less expensive properties in less desirable suburbs.

 

Very few people get their dream property from the outset, unless they win the lottery or come from a wealthy family. Time in the market is one of the most important factors in gaining equity in property over the long term. You will probably buy and sell property a few times in your lifetime before you achieve your dream home :)

 

You sound like a smart young man. Start small, dream big! Stop wasting any more time :) You've had the benefit of living at home for many years now. It is very easy to experience the paralysis of indecision. It sounds like the perfect time to spread your wings, to be bold and to really go after what you have been working towards for so long.

 

I suspect that once you take the next step towards your goal, everything else will fall into place!

 

Good luck :)

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I'm from southern europe and here is quite normal for a 28 yo to be living at home, especially now with unemployment and terrible economy.

 

I understand why in the US living at home in the late 20's can be considered a bad thing and I believe that the OP has not made his decisions lightly, I think that many women will understand why the OP decided to live at home and that will not be a deal breaker, it can be to some obviously, but if you are looking for someone to share your life with, you would want them to also share your views on how to deal with money and money can sometimes be a major stressor in a relationship.

 

Personally I also prefer to be debt free, it's a lot easier in Europe, since education is pretty much free and most of heathcare, but still I could easily fall into debt. I'm not a cheapskate by any means, I just don't like to spend a lot of money or be in debt for what I consider "trivial things", like a top of the line car, expensive clothes and so on.

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LookAtThisPOst

I was judged PAST tense for a woman finding out I had lived with my parents a few years after graduating college. Apparently some unfortunately judge the history of your experiences.

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