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"Rubberband" thing with men. Legit?!


whatever1005

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whatever1005

Okay so I met a guy last summer through work that was really nice. He pursued me and we hung out a lot for several months. After 3-ish months, I slept with him, and post-sex he was a bit more distant but still in contact. I was bothered by it, but didn't say anything about it since we weren't ever actually together and just lived my life. A couple weeks later he was back to his regular texting/calling/etc, but I decided to move him to the "friend zone" rather than risk him getting distant again. I have dated other guys since him but he has always remained in contact and we have hung out I just kept it strictly friends. I eventually told him that him getting distant post-sex bothered me and he acted like he didn't do anything wrong or that should've bothered me.

 

Anyway, fast forward to this summer. He called up to my work and was discussing billing issues with a co-worker of mine who is a good friend of mine. She said that he'd made some comment about me, and she'd responded with "you must really like her". He responded with "I have always liked her but she never wants me... She's always interested in someone else". After hearing that, I thought maybe I was too quick to ban him to the friend zone last summer, and we've been hanging out. He has said he likes me on multiple occasions, is complimentary of me, and we talk about anything and everything. He is very busy with work but we talk pretty much everyday and see each other fairly often. We had a serious talk one night about things and I apologized for dismissing him so fast last summer, and he admitted that he hasn't slept with anyone since me... That's a whole YEAR. I was floored!

 

I hung out with him Saturday and things were great. We watched a movie, chit-chatted about everything under the sun and were constantly laughing and having a good time. Sunday morning he texted and said he'd had a bad night/morning because a family member had died, he had yard work to do, had to go into work, and his sister is planning to come in town next week and he wasn't planning on that, so he was stressed. The rest of our conversation that day was normal, but I didn't hear from him after 3pm which wasn't really normal. I chalked it up to stress and figured I'd hear from him yesterday.... But I didn't. Today around noon I sent a text saying "Miss you", but still haven't heard from him. I don't understand what's going on!!

 

Some of my friends say men do this "rubberband" thing and just need space from time to time, and not to worry about anything. Some say that maybe he's testing my interest level since for so long I kind of ignored him. And some say it doesn't sound good.... I don't know what to think but this isn't normal for he and I and I'm not sure how to react. Any suggestions or thoughts?

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Man tip from an old one:

 

Men lie

 

Man opinion, from an old one:

 

He wasn't feeling sexy time when out on Saturday or the main squeeze whom he's not having sex with drew him away.

 

Other, younger, more sensible opinions will follow. Welcome to LS! :)

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whatever1005

I should clarify that we actually did have sex Saturday... After I started seeing him again this summer, it naturally happened again only the distance thing wasn't an issue. Until now.

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I should clarify that we actually did have sex Saturday... After I started seeing him again this summer, it naturally happened again only the distance thing wasn't an issue. Until now.

 

So he pulled away immediately after sex? Suddenly, immediately after sex, his life becomes one big crisis after the other and he's stressed and stops contact?

 

Sweetie, I am sorry but NO that is not rubber-banding. That is called a guy who wanted sex, and once he got it, is no longer interested....UNTIL the next time he wants sex.

 

I am sorry....

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I should clarify that we actually did have sex Saturday... After I started seeing him again this summer, it naturally happened again only the distance thing wasn't an issue. Until now.

 

Oh boy... Yeah. This guy only has one thing in mind. Sex. He got it and now he's gone again. Something tells me he's gonna keep doing it as long you let him.

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Yeah, rubber banding doesn't happen at the start of a relationship. And if a guy ghosts out after sex... bad news.

 

He sounds flaky at best. Got what he wanted, got bored, something else caught his interest, maybe that ended, he's sniffing back around, got more sex from you.

 

At this point.. come on. You've dated for months. He should know if he wants to lock it down and not pull this: "have sex with you, ghost for weeks" game.

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Why is there always 'more to the story'? :D

 

I went down the 'rubberband' yellow brick road with a young MW for nearly a decade many, many years ago. Now that was an epic rubberband relationship. Get close, push away, get close, push away. Oh, right, corollary to 'men lie' - 'women lie'. Unremarkable!

 

OP, sorry this happened to you. Hope the sex was fulfilling. Onward!

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whatever1005
So he pulled away immediately after sex? Suddenly, immediately after sex, his life becomes one big crisis after the other and he's stressed and stops contact?

 

Sweetie, I am sorry but NO that is not rubber-banding. That is called a guy who wanted sex, and once he got it, is no longer interested....UNTIL the next time he wants sex.

 

I am sorry....

 

We've had sex prior to Saturday this summer and he wasn't pulling away, which is why I'm so confused.

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whatever1005
Oh boy... Yeah. This guy only has one thing in mind. Sex. He got it and now he's gone again. Something tells me he's gonna keep doing it as long you let him.

 

There is no "gone again" though. We've been having sex again for a couple months with no distance or "ghost" behavior, and there are several times that we've hung out when we didn't have sex at all. Obviously if he is just into things for sex then I don't want to bother with him. I have had guys "hit it and quit it" before (in college) but those guys weren't talking to me everyday or confiding their stresses/ family issues to me, and they sure as heck weren't offering to help me with home projects or letting me take their dog with me on runs or having me stay at their place.

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Just relax OP, it's only been a couple days, with pre-loaded reasons. I think you should assume they're legit unless shown otherwise. If I were you I'd just call him and ask him if he's ok etc. No need to play the guessing game.

 

Most likely everything's fine. :)

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There is no "gone again" though. We've been having sex again for a couple months with no distance or "ghost" behavior, and there are several times that we've hung out when we didn't have sex at all. Obviously if he is just into things for sex then I don't want to bother with him. I have had guys "hit it and quit it" before (in college) but those guys weren't talking to me everyday or confiding their stresses/ family issues to me, and they sure as heck weren't offering to help me with home projects or letting me take their dog with me on runs or having me stay at their place.

 

Okay so why don't you just hang tight and see when (and if) he contacts you?

 

If it's anything longer than a week.... it's NOT rubber-banding. Rubber-banding is a couple of days TOPS.

 

In the beginning of my RL with my boyfriend, after an especially intense weekend (the entire weekend), lots of lovemaking, emotional bonding, etc, I sometimes would not hear from him for maybe two days at the MOST. Not all the time, just sometimes.

 

Never longer than two days and after a couple of months....he NEVER pulled away.

 

So how long has it been? Three days? Not looking good but hang tight and maybe he will "spring back."

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There is no "gone again" though. We've been having sex again for a couple months with no distance or "ghost" behavior, and there are several times that we've hung out when we didn't have sex at all. Obviously if he is just into things for sex then I don't want to bother with him. I have had guys "hit it and quit it" before (in college) but those guys weren't talking to me everyday or confiding their stresses/ family issues to me, and they sure as heck weren't offering to help me with home projects or letting me take their dog with me on runs or having me stay at their place.

 

 

You are the only one who can determine what will be acceptable behavior from this guy. If you are OK with him going "ghost" every so often, then continue the way things are. I personally don't think I would be OK with that sort of behavior, especially if I was looking for a relationship from him.

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whatever1005
Yeah, rubber banding doesn't happen at the start of a relationship. And if a guy ghosts out after sex... bad news.

 

He sounds flaky at best. Got what he wanted, got bored, something else caught his interest, maybe that ended, he's sniffing back around, got more sex from you.

 

At this point.. come on. You've dated for months. He should know if he wants to lock it down and not pull this: "have sex with you, ghost for weeks" game.

 

 

 

Yes I realize rubber banding doesn't happen in the first stages of a relationship. I also realize that going MIA after sex is bad too.

 

I've known him for a year though and have generally been the one blowing him off... After our "serious talk" and starting to see eachother often this summer it seemed like we had a good understanding of each other and what was going on. We've had a lot of fun and up to today there had been no ghosting or issues. I just don't get it.

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whatever1005
Okay so why don't you just hang tight and see when (and if) he contacts you?

 

If it's anything longer than a week.... it's NOT rubber-banding. Rubber-banding is a couple of days TOPS.

 

In the beginning of my RL with my boyfriend, after an especially intense weekend (the entire weekend), lots of lovemaking, emotional bonding, etc, I sometimes would not hear from him for maybe two days at the MOST. Not all the time, just sometimes.

 

Never longer than two days and after a couple of months....he NEVER pulled away.

 

So how long has it been? Three days? Not looking good but hang tight and maybe he will "spring back."

 

Well at this point all I can do is sit back and see what happens lol. I haven't heard a word from him since 3pm on Sunday. This just hasn't ever happened with him before! Even if he's had busy days or wasn't talking like normal, we still have talked. If anything I have been the one to go MIA. Ugh.

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Yes I realize rubber banding doesn't happen in the first stages of a relationship. I also realize that going MIA after sex is bad too.

 

I've known him for a year though and have generally been the one blowing him off... After our "serious talk" and starting to see eachother often this summer it seemed like we had a good understanding of each other and what was going on. We've had a lot of fun and up to today there had been no ghosting or issues. I just don't get it.

 

Well maybe he always saw you as a challenge, which intrigued him and kept him coming back. While at the same time, he did not feel "threatened" as you were not that keen so he felt "safe" emotionally.

 

And by safe I mean there was no chance of you wanting an actual relationship which would cramp his style, etc.

 

Now that you have started to respond, have developed a good understanding, blah blah, he's freaked as he interprets it as meaning you want a relationship, which again "scares" him as he feels it would cramp his style, box him in, suffocate him emotionally or whatever people who fear relationships and commitment feel.

 

So he pulls away to create DISTANCE.....so you don't have expectations of this leading to anything that would, again, cramp his style, curtail his freedom, etc.

 

Just a thought....

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I'm not buying in to everyone's theory that this guy just wants sex, yet. The only reasons prople are thinking this is because of everything that happened after sex on Saturday and because he did not respond to your Miss You text.

 

Whoopti-freakin-do

 

Death in family - He probably tried hiding the death in the family thing so he can hang out normally with you on Sat. I could say more about this and address why he'd be with you even after someone has been dead, but I'm going to leave this alone for now.

 

I Miss You text - He did not respond your text because he missed it. I have an iphone6 plus and I do miss texts. Or, I'll read a text and I'll think "OK once I'm done taking a piss, or eating, or whatever, I'll respond to the text." Well crap I fsometimes forget to to respond.

 

I'm a guy and if I liked you for a year, I would not do any revenge blow offs. I could be wrong and this guy may be a douche, but let's not crucify him until we get REAL evidence.

 

My opinion? ZzzzzzzzZZZZZZZzzzzzzZZZZzz

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whatever1005
You are the only one who can determine what will be acceptable behavior from this guy. If you are OK with him going "ghost" every so often, then continue the way things are. I personally don't think I would be OK with that sort of behavior, especially if I was looking for a relationship from him.

 

 

I agree with you, I am not okay with this behavior. Especially considering how I told him that a huge part of why I backed way off last summer was because he wasn't as attentive or whatever right after the first time we had sex. This summer had been great up until now! No MIA crap and a lot of fun. I don't know if I should say something about this or just be MIA myself and say "forget it". Some people have suggested that maybe he's scared that he's developing feelings or something, and some have said that he may just be busy, but he hasn't ever gone completely off the grid so I'm just at a loss.

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whatever1005
Well maybe he always saw you as a challenge, which intrigued him and kept him coming back. While at the same time, he did not feel "threatened" as you were not that keen so he felt "safe" emotionally.

 

And by safe I mean there was no chance of you wanting an actual relationship which would cramp his style, etc.

 

Now that you have started to respond, have developed a good understanding, blah blah, he's freaked as he interprets it as meaning you want a relationship, which again "scares" him as he feels it would cramp his style, box him in, suffocate him emotionally or whatever people who fear relationships and commitment feel.

 

So he pulls away to create DISTANCE.....so you don't have expectations of this leading to anything that would, again, cramp his style, curtail his freedom, etc.

 

Just a thought....

 

Trust me, I've been thinking about this kind of stuff. He's definitely not a "man whore" or "lady killer", but he hasn't been in a relationship in a few years. I would think he would've pulled this ghosting thing prior to me actually getting interested though. He had to continuously work at getting and keeping my attention for a whole year before I would even consider seeing him in a "more than friends" kind of way again.

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IF he is scared it's NOT of his feelings.

 

He's scared that you have expectations of a RL, and is feeling boxed in and suffocated because of it.

 

Good luck with this guy. IF he comes back, expect more of the same... he will constantly be getting close/pulling away, hot/cold, push/pull....coming up with one excuse after the other to create DISTANCE.

 

You have seen the red flags....it's now up to you what you want to do about them.

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whatever1005
I'm not buying in to everyone's theory that this guy just wants sex, yet. The only reasons prople are thinking this is because of everything that happened after sex on Saturday and because he did not respond to your Miss You text.

 

Whoopti-freakin-do

 

Death in family - He probably tried hiding the death in the family thing so he can hang out normally with you on Sat. I could say more about this and address why he'd be with you even after someone has been dead, but I'm going to leave this alone for now.

 

I Miss You text - He did not respond your text because he missed it. I have an iphone6 plus and I do miss texts. Or, I'll read a text and I'll think "OK once I'm done taking a piss, or eating, or whatever, I'll respond to the text." Well crap I fsometimes forget to to respond.

 

I'm a guy and if I liked you for a year, I would not do any revenge blow offs. I could be wrong and this guy may be a douche, but let's not crucify him until we get REAL evidence.

 

My opinion? ZzzzzzzzZZZZZZZzzzzzzZZZZzz

 

I don't know if he already knew about his family member dying or not prior to me coming over Saturday, but if he did he didn't mention it until Sunday morning. He does get busy with work and sometimes responses are delayed, but even when he's super busy we still talk at some point during the day. Yeah, I don't know why a guy (or anyone) would bother with the same person for a year only for sex or for a revenge blow off, which adds to my confusion! So far I have evidence of nothing, the only thing I have is a definite difference in behavior I've ever seen from him.

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Trust me, I've been thinking about this kind of stuff. He's definitely not a "man whore" or "lady killer", but he hasn't been in a relationship in a few years. I would think he would've pulled this ghosting thing prior to me actually getting interested though. He had to continuously work at getting and keeping my attention for a whole year before I would even consider seeing him in a "more than friends" kind of way again.

 

Yes and there is good reason for that....he does not want one.

 

With you, he fantasized about it, but that was only because you kept blowing him off, therefore NO real chance (threat) of having a RL with you. Just a fantasy. He was safe.

 

Now that fantasy has turned into reality and he's over-thinking, feeling anxious about what it all means. Loss of freedom being the biggest one.

 

THAT is why he is stressed IMO.

 

I could be wrong, but I doubt it.... his behavior is classic commitment-phobia.

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Yes and there is good reason for that....he does not want one.

 

With you, he fantasized about it, but that was only because you kept blowing him off, therefore NO real chance (threat) of having a RL with you. Just a fantasy. He was safe.

 

Now that fantasy has turned into reality and he's over-thinking, feeling anxious about what it all means. Loss of freedom being the biggest one.

 

THAT is why he is stressed IMO.

 

I could be wrong, but I doubt it.... his behavior is classic commitment-phobia.

 

This is also possible. He and I haven't really talked about exes or past relationships in depth, I just know he hasn't been in a relationship in tears and it ended due to them fighting everyday. Maybe he was hurt badly or maybe he's been single for a few years and isn't sure he's ready for anything serious again. I don't know, but if he pops back up in a few days or a week I'm not going to be a very happy camper.

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I really think you deserve someone who treats you better than he does. I would not want someone who constantly was disappearing, then reappearing with some excuse. One time is acceptable, but after the 2nd time I would be saying "NEXT!!!!"

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My opinion on the general rubberband effect is this ...

I've heard about this before and have read up on it. The thing is though in my personal experience all the guys who truly liked me never ever changed after sexual intimacy. However it was always the flaky guys that never ended in more that would "rubberband" on me and their texting habits would change. For me the test comes the day after sex. If the guy responds to me as he usually would then I know it's all good. However I would be worried if he did not respond to me usually. I mean it's not difficult to take a few minutes to text someone you slept with the previous day.

 

However my opinion on your situation...

If he has had a death in the family and told you he is stressed and has a lot going on then I'd believe him. Sometimes things do just get too much and you cannot think straight or act normally when you're going through something as traumatic as a death in the family. I wouldn't hold this against him unless this behavior keeps happening. I'd write this off as just bad timing. Just be a bit patient and see if he contacts you after your "I miss you" text.

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casey.lives

wow .i think you are putting too much too soon into this . it just started and your panicking, already . wtf?!! now look at what people are telling you..HORRIBLE THINGS!

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