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He offered dating with no expectations?


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Most of you are familiar with my dating history. In the past 3,5 years I met probably close to 150 men and nothing really serious has materialized so far. I hear often something must be wrong with me for meeting that many men and I'm still single, my men picker is off, I am too reserved, not enough, I heard it all. Among those 150 men many I did not wish to pursue for valid reasons but a few I am sure I've dismissed too fast for silly reasons mostly because I am a big multi-dater and I had too many options at the time.

 

So I gave some thoughts to it all and I did something I've never did before. I contacted someone I had gone on 1 date with about 9 months ago. Someone I felt I had a good connection with but for the reasons above I've declined his 2nd date invite. I guess deep down I knew I was over-looking a good guy because I've always kept his phone number.

 

About a month ago I've messaged him something light and casual. He was surprised to hear from me and very receptive. We called and he told me he never understood why I shut him down back then because after all we had a really good first date, before I say anything he added he was open to seeing me again.

 

So 9 months later we had our 2nd date last night. It was pretty cool and everything was on me of course.

 

He told me during dinner he knows already he wants to see me again and again but he wants to date with no expectations and no time frame. Lets just have fun and it'll be what it'll be. When he said <fun> he was not referring to sex. He specified he has no time-frame for that either what ever I wish.

 

What do you think of this dating with no expectations?

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It could be fun as long as you expect very little.

 

I wouldn't do sex with him because it sounds as if he intends to keep his options open and may be dating many.

 

Can you date him and expect nothing as far as a commitment from him? Sounds like he may be a player...

 

What are you looking for in dating - is this your goal?

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Most of you are familiar with my dating history. In the past 3,5 years I met probably close to 150 men and nothing really serious has materialized so far. I hear often something must be wrong with me for meeting that many men and I'm still single, my men picker is off, I am too reserved, not enough, I heard it all. Among those 150 men many I did not wish to pursue for valid reasons but a few I am sure I've dismissed too fast for silly reasons mostly because I am a big multi-dater and I had too many options at the time.

 

So I gave some thoughts to it all and I did something I've never did before. I contacted someone I had gone on 1 date with about 9 months ago. Someone I felt I had a good connection with but for the reasons above I've declined his 2nd date invite. I guess deep down I knew I was over-looking a good guy because I've always kept his phone number.

 

About a month ago I've messaged him something light and casual. He was surprised to hear from me and very receptive. We called and he told me he never understood why I shut him down back then because after all we had a really good first date, before I say anything he added he was open to seeing me again.

 

So 9 months later we had our 2nd date last night. It was pretty cool and everything was on me of course.

 

He told me during dinner he knows already he wants to see me again and again but he wants to date with no expectations and no time frame. Lets just have fun and it'll be what it'll be. When he said <fun> he was not referring to sex. He specified he has no time-frame for that either what ever I wish.

 

What do you think of this dating with no expectations?

 

Basically, that's what you should be doing in the very early stages of dating a new partner. Managing your emotions and expectations for what will or will not develop between you and that man.

 

What you need to do in the very beginning is make sure the two of you are on the same page at least in terms of dating goals. You want to date for a relationship, is that man wanting the same thing for himself in the long-term. You won't know whether it will be with each other in the beginning, so you begin by just having fun, being yourself and observing whether the other person is treating you the way you need to be treated and is meeting your needs for the time being and continue to observe whether it appears he could meet your long term goals.

 

Don't read into what this guy has said for the moment. Yes, sometimes guys say something like that in the beginning because they don't want to get your hopes up while trying to sleep with you. You don't know that this guy is actually doing that yet. Observe the way he dates you. Regular, consistent communication that is playful maybe but respectful, and seeing you on a regular basis without being sketchy.

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I'm a total contrarian on this one. I said those EXACT same words to my GF - 359 days ago - after our second date. I said them because I knew she was different and I didn't want to spook her. And I sensed (correctly) that she was prone to spooking.

 

It is hard to read into another person's mind with a comment like that. But would give him a few more dates and see how he behaves.

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He just asked me out for tonight.

 

Not sure what to think of it. Another firework that will blow up in my face.

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It is simple - like all those 150 before this one, you are over-thinking it.

 

Go on a few dates WITH NO EXPECTATIONS like he says. Have fun and stop "looking" for hidden meaning in every conversation or text. Get to know him. Slowly. And see if something can build.

 

But take your time and just enjoy getting to know someone.

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He just asked me out for tonight.

 

Not sure what to think of it. Another firework that will blow up in my face.

 

He called you for a last minute date . . . does that sit right with you? I'd tell him you're not available tonight, and offer him a alternate day. Set the stage now for what is or isn't acceptable to you and observe whether he accommodates that. You can go out with him if you want, but tell him, hey, I'm glad you called me for tonight, but usually I'm pretty busy.

 

If he gets it, he'll arrange dates in advance if he's interested enough. Accepting last minutes dates after a period of dating once in a while is OK, but not on the first few for sure.

 

And, you initiated the second date, give the reins back to him for a while now. Let him do the initiating so you aren't back here wondering if he really likes you because you can't gauge his interest level. Was he just being polite? Now that I initiated, does he think I'm easy or chasing him? Etc. . .

 

And, don't use a last minute date as a gauge to his interest . . . you can give him a pass this time if you want, but observe what he does from this point on.

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It is simple - like all those 150 before this one, you are over-thinking it.

 

Go on a few dates WITH NO EXPECTATIONS like he says. Have fun and stop "looking" for hidden meaning in every conversation or text. Get to know him. Slowly. And see if something can build.

 

But take your time and just enjoy getting to know someone.

 

Yes, overthinking and reading into things when you go out with them causes you not to be focused on the here and now and distracted. Sure, you might be talking and looking at him, while in the background is running all this STUFF.

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Versacehottie

You should be fine with this. You have the confidence and ability to control your end of it. Without expectations means you should keep things light and casual. Lower your expectations as far as how often you expect contact and just have fun. I would hold off on sex because slow would be a good change for you AND all he is offering right now is slow. I sense two reasons he posed it as this:

 

*he senses your personality and push for a relationship from the one date you went on 9 months ago and needs you to keep things in check

 

*he is saving face from the fact that there has been no contact for 9 months

 

Just go with it and have fun. It won't be a time waster if you learn to date another 'way" and keep dating others since you are free to do that and who knows you could end up with a great guy. Don't feel like you are missing out on anything by rushing or not knowing exactly where it's going. You have the ability to evaluate things interaction by interaction, date by date. Just check in with yourself, make sure you are having fun not latching onto too much hope and keeping reasonable expectations in mind. Glad it went well.

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He just asked me out for tonight.

 

Not sure what to think of it. Another firework that will blow up in my face.

 

What did he plan for the date for tonight? In other words - did he offer to take you out?

 

Is there any reason he isn't asking you ahead of time?

 

It may be useful to train him at this early stage... To ask for your time ahead by a few days.

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Stop over analyzing and just go out with him. I feel he is letting you make the call on what happens, and when.....no pressure.

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What did he plan for the date for tonight? In other words - did he offer to take you out?

 

Is there any reason he isn't asking you ahead of time?

 

It may be useful to train him at this early stage... To ask for your time ahead by a few days.

 

 

I thought he was asking me out. His first message was Can I kiss those lips again tonight?

 

I asked what he had in mind. He replied I have a lot in mind, like kissing, touching, laughing...and so on.

 

Yep! now I know what he meant by no expectations.

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It depends if he offered a date to take you out.

 

If he asked for you to come over to his place - then he's just wanting the sex but not to take you out and spend money on you. This would be as good as allowing him to use you.

 

 

Hopefully he asked to take you out somewhere fun.

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but he wants to date with no expectations and no time frame. Lets just have fun and it'll be what it'll be. When he said <fun> he was not referring to sex. He specified he has no time-frame for that either what ever I wish.

 

What do you think of this dating with no expectations?

 

It tells me that he figured you had a plan in mind in the past and it felt too much for him.

He likes you but wants it to be whatever it will be and it takes time to build a RS.

 

But..this doesn't mean you should accept crap contact if you expect a guy to be in touch everyday or every other day - tell him what you want/need.

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I thought he was asking me out. His first message was Can I kiss those lips again tonight?

 

I asked what he had in mind. He replied I have a lot in mind, like kissing, touching, laughing...and so on.

 

Yep! now I know what he meant by no expectations.

 

Oh!

Ignore my last post unless you want just some fun...

 

Sorry!

Kick the boy to the kerb.

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I thought he was asking me out. His first message was Can I kiss those lips again tonight?

 

I asked what he had in mind. He replied I have a lot in mind, like kissing, touching, laughing...and so on.

 

Yep! now I know what he meant by no expectations.

 

Oh.... Oh no. I guess his idea of no expectations means you sign up to be his booty call? Oh my...

 

Did you respond to him yet?

 

 

It's a bummer he isn't willing to court you...by taking you out.

 

Is that what you want - or do you want more from him?

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Oh.... Oh no. I guess his idea of no expectations means you sign up to be his booty call? Oh my...

 

Did you respond to him yet?

 

 

It's a bummer he isn't willing to court you...by taking you out.

 

Is that what you want - or do you want more from him?

 

I did not answer yet.

 

I am dying to meet a gentleman.

 

I have no need for a new lover my little black book is full.

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Versacehottie

yeah, just put him on ice until he asks for a proper date. a lot of guys are going to try with the sexual stuff. you just need to train them. I wouldn't be offended. Just redirect him. You choose what you allow to happen to you. But if you feel like he is doing this because he thinks you're desperate in general, just fade away.

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"No expectations" is a great idea. If you have specific expectations, such as marriage, or that it will at least be a LTR, you'll probably be disappointed.

 

Taking each date on it's own, only building on past dates with each other, is smart. It will develop into what's appropriate, rather than either of you trying to "make it" be something on an agenda.

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So he called you the same day for a date that night? Well, I think I'm starting to see what he means by "no expectations." Which sounds more like no rules, no thoughtfulness. You really need to say no to that last minute date. You don't need to discuss why. Just train him you are not available at the last minute. Just say, "Oh, I already have plans." And if you don't already have plans, you should have. Don't let him get that one-sided crap started with you.

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I think my answer would be "I'm busy, ask me again when you plan a date, ok?"

 

He trying to train you to be a non date/ booty call. He didn't offer a date - he offered to use you. It's only possible if you say yes to so little.

 

I don't see him as a contender...

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Versacehottie
So he called you the same day for a date that night? Well, I think I'm starting to see what he means by "no expectations." Which sounds more like no rules, no thoughtfulness. You really need to say no to that last minute date. You don't need to discuss why. Just train him you are not available at the last minute. Just say, "Oh, I already have plans." And if you don't already have plans, you should have. Don't let him get that one-sided crap started with you.

 

Exactly. He is testing you. There is some vibe that he got from you where it said to him that you are open to this stuff (sexual vibe, desperation or he could just be a jerk who tries no matter what vibe you were giving off--not to mention sometimes simply getting in touch as you did will cause this reaction in guys who misread it or trying to exploit it). I think you will learn far more from trying to set and enforce YOUR standards with him than just to write him off and try to find the next guy who is "perfect". You can always write this guy off in the future, near or far, on whatever basis you see fit.

 

I do see a similar pattern that keeps coming up on all your dates. The push and assuming you are open for sex, relatively early in the relationship. That's a common theme. So why? I go back to the bend-y standards (in general) and a desperate feeling. I know a lot of these guys are from online so that could be something that is just uniform not specific to you. Use your standards. You have nothing to lose and only something to gain.

 

Tell him you're not available tonight. Laugh at his suggested itinerary of the kissing blah blah and just repeat back to him that you thought he wanted to take things slow and you agree that's best. Keep it light and fun. He will disappear if he only wanted to use you (doubt that or he wouldn't be back after 9 months). He will become intrigued if you bounce his own stuff back on him and make him chase as if you are a worthy woman. You don't have to say yes to his less than offer. He might even say ok then what do you have in mind? Then think of most public event or a dinner or something and suggest that. Do that and only that -- totally having fun and a little kissing. He will respect and be more interested in you if you use your standards and boundaries. That is how you show someone you are worthwhile. If you are totally offended by what he said then write him off but I think you could and should learn from this. He may not be the right guy eventually but you will learn more by putting newfound strategies in place than constantly searching for a perfect person when you already know some of the things that he going to be perfect practice on.

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I think my answer would be "I'm busy, ask me again when you plan a date, ok?"

 

He trying to train you to be a non date/ booty call. He didn't offer a date - he offered to use you. It's only possible if you say yes to so little.

 

I don't see him as a contender...

 

Neither do I, in fact I would be completely turned off if a man I had not seen in nine months said this to me..... total bullshyter and sweet talker (except it's not even sweet, it's gross considering you have not even seen him in nine months - well except for your date last night)...ugh.

 

I would not even bother responding back.... clearly he just sees you as a booty call.....how insulting.

 

Just next him.

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