Is she losing interest or just going through a transition phase?

[jjtr]

My girlfriend (25) and I (28) have been together for a year and in large part, things have been great. Lately, though, things have been a bit shakier. We haven't gotten into big spats, but little things seem to keep coming up. I can't tell if she's losing interest or just going through a transitional phase (she just graduated law school and started her first job as an attorney at the beginning of June).

 

I am a very affectionate person and she isn't, which has proven to be difficult. We've talked about it in the past and she's said that she's not going to suddenly change. That's fine. I don't want her to. I've basically just expressed that the "little things" mean a lot to me and that if she could at least try to be more consistent with her affection, I would love that. She has tried and she has gotten better, which I've told her I appreciate. However, it still seems like a rollercoaster. I've also told her it hurts when I compliment her and she sort of ignores it or rolls her eyes. She attributes it to her not being affectionate and the cheesy nature of some of the stuff I say (which, some of it is cheesy, but that's me).

 

Last weekend I helped her move into her new apartment (her first time living alone without roommates or parents) and I really felt like that experience made us closer. While we weren't moving in together, she wanted my opinions on stuff she should get and was using "we" when referencing certain items that really, she needed. So, naturally this made me happy because I have been ahead of her in this relationship.

 

On Monday night, I went over there and just hung out while she worked on something she needed to do for work. In the past, this would have bothered me because she was focused on everything but me. But I have become much better about being able to be around her while she does her own thing and I do my own thing. When I left, though, I was really frustrated because she rebuffed my attempt to have sex because she needed to finish working and was tired. This has become a common theme lately. I (and yes, foolishly) texted that I was frustrated about the lack of sex when I got home. This seemed to kind of irritate her and she said it was something she was already self-conscious about and that me saying that made her feel worse.

 

Tuesday we had an event together with her firm, and things seemed fine. I apologized for bringing it up via text and we agreed to talk about it next time we were alone.

 

On Wednesday and Thursday, she went almost completely silent on me. Our preferred method of communication throughout the day is typically a few texts or emails. I received very few and it seemed like the most she had ever cut me off communication wise. She finally told me on Friday that she was just busy and needed space. I've been accommodating with that, so I simply said I wish she would have just communicated that. However, I also know she went out on Wednesday for drinks with co-workers. So I was confused as to if she just needed space from me or everyone (it's usually the latter, based on past experiences with her needing space).

 

Anyway, communication has kind of been a tricky spot for us, but we're going to sit down and talk about this tomorrow. I've basically just been frustrated because I feel like I hardly see her anymore or that when I do, she's tired, working or we're in a group setting. I miss our one-on-one time (that's why we planned out tomorrow and she set aside a night for just us). The first part of that statement, I admit, might not be fair. I mean, I saw her on the 9th, 10th, 11th, 12th, 13th and 14th. A lot of that was just helping her move/set up her new place, though and we were both pretty exhausted by the end of those days.

 

I also get kind of confused, because we sometimes have these odd conversations and I'm not sure if they're hints or what. She has had a handful of co-workers/friends get engaged and is often making comments to me/showing me their engagement rings, etc. I don't know what to make of it.

 

I am not ready to propose (and she's not ready for me to either), but I can say that I love this girl more than anyone ever and recently have begun considering opening a new account to start saving up for a ring. We've both admitted that we see a future together, as well.

 

I don't know. I'm not sure if it's me being over-analytical about stuff and just emotionally sensitive or if there is legit concern. I just get very mixed signals from her sometimes and I am not sure what to do about it. It's hard to decipher if it's just her personality, or something more is going on.

 

Being honest with myself, I do crave her affection sometimes because it's reassuring. She is not as open emotionally as I am, so when she does do the little things that I love, that reassures me that she cares. But if she doesn't, I assume the opposite. It's tough. I feel very hesitant to do something like save for a ring because of this. I'm very much at a point in life where I don't want to be wasting years of my life dating someone, only to have it fail. I don't want to be the 30-some-year-old who is still single and looking for someone on online dating sites.

 

We were at a housewarming party on Saturday and her friend (whom she always goes to for advice) and I sort of had a heart-to-heart on things. She told me that my girlfriend loves me, but is just a complicated person sometimes.

 

I guess, though, to loop back to the title of my thread, I can't tell if she's losing interest or is just going through a transition phase with the move and new job. I feel like this all started when she started her job, so I hope that it's just the transition, but I can't tell.

 

How should I present my frustrations in our conversation? Do I just be completely open about all of this? Do I flat out ask if she's losing interest? Should I ask her why she needed space seemingly from just me? I just need some guidance and opinions.

Edited July 20, 2015 by jjtr

[TaraMaiden2]

Every relationship is give and take.

 

The trouble is, you're giving, she's taking.

And I think she's losing respect for you, because you are extremely sensitive and it sounds as if she would prefer you to be less sentimental, more 'macho and less forthcoming with your romatic, amorous or simply affectionate overtures.

 

You are trying too hard.

She clearly (for you) is not trying enough.

 

I always say this:

 

A relationship is 50/50, with each of you 100% responsible for your halves.

 

If she's only giving 20% and you are giving 100%, you cannot make up her 80% shortfall. Which sounds as if it's what you are trying to do.

You need to back off, not be so 'touchy-feely' and not keep telling her of your discomfort, frustrations and expectations.

 

If you can't do this, I sense a huge compatibility issue.

[Jejangles]

I don't know. I'm not sure if it's me being over-analytical about stuff and just emotionally sensitive or if there is legit concern. I just get very mixed signals from her sometimes and I am not sure what to do about it. It's hard to decipher if it's just her personality, or something more is going on.

 

Being honest with myself, I do crave her affection sometimes because it's reassuring. She is not as open emotionally as I am, so when she does do the little things that I love, that reassures me that she cares. But if she doesn't, I assume the opposite. It's tough. I feel very hesitant to do something like save for a ring because of this. I'm very much at a point in life where I don't want to be wasting years of my life dating someone, only to have it fail. I don't want to be the 30-some-year-old who is still single and looking for someone on online dating sites.

 

I feel like this is my solution to everything, but you really need to read the book [The New Science of Adult Attachment]

 

I think you guys have very different attachment styles and that is going to make it very difficult for you to meet each others emotional needs long term. You sound like more of an anxious attacher (need lots of contact / reassurance) and she sounds more avoidant (finds that clingy / needy / likes more space). I would step back, read the book and really reflect on whether who she is now and how she emotionally connects to you is going to make you happy over time. Don't even think about an engagement until you take that time to think things over.

Edited July 20, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[jjtr]

Every relationship is give and take.

 

The trouble is, you're giving, she's taking.

And I think she's losing respect for you, because you are extremely sensitive and it sounds as if she would prefer you to be less sentimental, more 'macho and less forthcoming with your romatic, amorous or simply affectionate overtures.

 

You are trying too hard.

She clearly (for you) is not trying enough.

 

I always say this:

 

A relationship is 50/50, with each of you 100% responsible for your halves.

 

If she's only giving 20% and you are giving 100%, you cannot make up her 80% shortfall. Which sounds as if it's what you are trying to do.

You need to back off, not be so 'touchy-feely' and not keep telling her of your discomfort, frustrations and expectations.

 

If you can't do this, I sense a huge compatibility issue.

 

Telling her my frustrations is actually just a recent thing. Up until recently, I kept quiet about it. But that's not going to do any good either. I have backed off with being "touchy-feely" and I feel I have been accommodating. At the same time, I feel those kinds of things are a part of a relationship to a degree.

[TaraMaiden2]

Well then you are going to end up bending so far over backwards to keep her happy, you're going to be staring up your own deep dark recess....

 

Her 'rolling her eyes' when you say nice things to her, is hurtful.

I think however, there is an element of self-protection there. She isn't letting herself open up to you completely, or accepting your overtures.... maybe she in fact lacks emotional confidence, and self-esteem? Perhaps she's worried about 'giving it all up' and opening to affection.

 

Look to her upbringing.

Are her parents still together?

How do they act with each other?

Are they openly affectionate, loving people?

 

Maybe they fed her the subliminal message that romance and sentimental virtues are a load of claptrap.

 

What exactly is she looking for in a relationship?

What does she feel she is contributing to make you feel good about yourself?

 

Those are 2 good questions she needs to answer without being evasive...

[jjtr]

I feel like this is my solution to everything, but you really need to read the book [The New Science of Adult Attachment]

 

I think you guys have very different attachment styles and that is going to make it very difficult for you to meet each others emotional needs long term. You sound like more of an anxious attacher (need lots of contact / reassurance) and she sounds more avoidant (finds that clingy / needy / likes more space). I would step back, read the book and really reflect on whether who she is now and how she emotionally connects to you is going to make you happy over time. Don't even think about an engagement until you take that time to think things over.

 

Interesting. I will give that a look.

 

I don't think I am clingy, but that her attachment style sort of makes me seem like I am. I have told her constantly that it's not the level of her affection that gets to me, it's the consistency of it. One week it's fine, the next it's completely avoidant. It makes things very confusing for me.

Edited July 20, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[jjtr]

Well then you are going to end up bending so far over backwards to keep her happy, you're going to be staring up your own deep dark recess....

 

Her 'rolling her eyes' when you say nice things to her, is hurtful.

I think however, there is an element of self-protection there. She isn't letting herself open up to you completely, or accepting your overtures.... maybe she in fact lacks emotional confidence, and self-esteem? Perhaps she's worried about 'giving it all up' and opening to affection.

 

Look to her upbringing.

Are her parents still together?

How do they act with each other?

Are they openly affectionate, loving people?

 

Maybe they fed her the subliminal message that romance and sentimental virtues are a load of claptrap.

 

What exactly is she looking for in a relationship?

What does she feel she is contributing to make you feel good about yourself?

 

Those are 2 good questions she needs to answer without being evasive...

 

I very much agree with the bolded. And I have told her that I sometimes wish she would open up more. She was about seven or eight months removed from a two-year relationship when we began dating and I don't know if that's the reason or not. But I do believe she is not completely opening up. And her friends have told me that she is prone to that and I just need to give it more time.

 

She made it clear when we began dating that she was looking for something serious, so I know her stance on that. I think the second question is a good one, though.

[Jejangles]

Interesting. I will give that a look.

 

I don't think I am clingy, but that her attachment style sort of makes me seem like I am. I have told her constantly that it's not the level of her affection that gets to me, it's the consistency of it. One week it's fine, the next it's completely avoidant. It makes things very confusing for me.

 

You've just summed up the book. Anxious people and avoidant people tend to bring out the worst in each other. You would probably not feel needy or clingy with someone who better met your emotional needs.

 

I think you're already halfway there, but if I were in your shoes (as a fellow anxious person!) I would probably walk away and find someone who better met my needs. I don't think the two of you are compatible at your cores.

[jjtr]

You've just summed up the book. Anxious people and avoidant people tend to bring out the worst in each other. You would probably not feel needy or clingy with someone who better met your emotional needs.

 

I think you're already halfway there, but if I were in your shoes (as a fellow anxious person!) I would probably walk away and find someone who better met my needs. I don't think the two of you are compatible at your cores.

 

The thing is, I feel as though prior to a month and a half ago, these things were never really as much of an issue. Or maybe I just wasn't aware that I really believe they were, then.

 

And I'm also not sure that she is truly an avoidant person, because there are times when she is very open to those affectionate things and even initiates them.

[jjtr]

Also, I am hoping that our talk tomorrow helps us both understand things. As I mentioned, neither of us have been good about communicating our needs to this point. Which, I don't think is a bad thing, I just think we were enjoying the relationship.

 

I just don't know how to approach this conversation now. I don't want to come across as needy, because I truly don't feel as though I am, it's just sort of what I am used to in relationships (the affection, etc.). But I also want her to know my frustrations (and I want to know hers) because I think that's how you work on relationships.

[casey.lives]

Are you sure ou are both on the same emotional plain. some people fall in love at first sight and act like it .. while others come love through knowing and understanding the person and appreciating their uniqueness. do you know if she feels what you feel.. because a person in love acts like their in love. p.s different people bring different things to the relationship. fire and water have different functions; don't ask fire to nurture the earth.. it can't. I honestly think you could just tell her how you feel and see what she say's or does. i value stability.. the man i want is someone i'd like to provide that for me but i learned that i should give that to myself and be open to whatever a man who loves me CAN give..

Edited July 20, 2015 by casey.lives

[jjtr]

Are ou sure ou are both on the same emotional plain. some people fall in love at first sight and act like it .. while others come love through knowing and understanding the person and appreciating their uniqueness. do you know if she feels what you feel.. because a person in love acts like their in love. p.s different people bring different things to the relationship. fire and water have different functions; don't ask fire to nurture the earth.. it can't

 

She says she loves me and I believe her when she says it (and, as mentioned, her friends have told me that she really does). I see no reason not to believe them either. They all find me to be an upgrade over her last boyfriend, whom no one liked apparently. That and I know how much she values the opinions/advice of her close friends.

[Zzyxx]

This sounds exactly like my ex and I, and had you not provided specifics I would have thought maybe you were dating her haha. I have to agree with everyone else that if you do both have such different attachment styles (I was also the attached, she was very avoidant) it will constantly be an uphill battle that only you can decide if it's worth. My ex was not a bad person, and I also truly loved her, hell I moved to a foreign country to be with her because we had been together for almost 2.5 years, but we just had too opposite approaches to what we needed in a relationship, but it's not like we didn't love each other or make it work, and maybe you can, it just probably won't be ever be easy.

[jjtr]

This sounds exactly like my ex and I, and had you not provided specifics I would have thought maybe you were dating her haha. I have to agree with everyone else that if you do both have such different attachment styles (I was also the attached, she was very avoidant) it will constantly be an uphill battle that only you can decide if it's worth. My ex was not a bad person, and I also truly loved her, hell I moved to a foreign country to be with her because we had been together for almost 2.5 years, but we just had too opposite approaches to what we needed in a relationship, but it's not like we didn't love each other or make it work, and maybe you can, it just probably won't be ever be easy.

 

I am hoping it becomes easier or, at the least I'm willing to see if it does. I know she can be affectionate, I just feel like there is this wall that is sort of still up. She has admitted she's not as far along as I am but that she does hope her future is with me, when she does get to my level. That's what leads me to believe that once she can allow herself to fully open up, that maybe her affection will be more consistent.

 

Once in a similar spot, do you have any advice as to how I should approach our talk? Should I voice all my frustrations and ask her if she's losing interest? I am admittedly not great with these conversations, and I don't want to say something that comes off wrong.

[empresario]

I feel like this is my solution to everything, but you really need to read the book [The New Science of Adult Attachment]

 

I think you guys have very different attachment styles and that is going to make it very difficult for you to meet each others emotional needs long term. You sound like more of an anxious attacher (need lots of contact / reassurance) and she sounds more avoidant (finds that clingy / needy / likes more space). I would step back, read the book and really reflect on whether who she is now and how she emotionally connects to you is going to make you happy over time. Don't even think about an engagement until you take that time to think things over.

 

Quoted for truth.

 

 

I'm EXTREMELY happy this book is getting around as it is applicable in a lot of the threads here.

 

 

You are anxious. She is avoidant. While there's nothing inherently wrong with either type you both need to understand what you are.

 

 

It is unlikely either of you will fully transition without a lot of work. You will both have to decide if your attachment incompatibility is worth it.

Edited July 20, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[empresario]

The thing is, I feel as though prior to a month and a half ago, these things were never really as much of an issue. Or maybe I just wasn't aware that I really believe they were, then.

 

And I'm also not sure that she is truly an avoidant person, because there are times when she is very open to those affectionate things and even initiates them.

 

If you read the book, you will learn that most people are not 100% avoidant or 100% anxious. But everyone predominantly falls in one of the three.

 

 

If you're describing her correctly then it's pretty obvious which she is.

[jjtr]

I haven't read the book, so I guess I can't really speak to what it entails, but I don't want her to/expect her to change. Compromise is a major part of relationships, right?

 

And maybe this is where a face-to-face conversation about this stuff will help. I know that she knows that I would like her to show small bits of affection more and welcome my affection more, but I've never really bothered asking her if my affection is overwhelming/causing her to pull away. Maybe as well as expressing myself, I need to ask her what she wants from me. If it's a simple thing of me wanting her to be more consistent and her wanting less of my "touchy-feely" stuff, I think I can work with that. I think I often feel more inclined to be that way because she is less inclined to be.

 

She really has been understanding and I love that about her. I guess this recent trend just sort of threw me for a loop. When she was in school, she would have class during the day and work until five, then come over for dinner/to work on homework/to hang out. This would happen multiple times a week. I feel like we've lost that one-on-one time since she started her job a little bit. I also know that she has been busy at work due to being really ambitious and due to her boss being gone for two weeks and her having to pick up slack. It has just been frustrating not getting that quality time/not having much sex/having those personal moments. I mean, I am grateful for her time, even when we're in groups when we're with friends/co-workers and just seeing her even for something as simple as lunch. But I think everyone desires that one-on-one time.

 

Maybe I just need to give it time, but at the same time it's important she knows that these are my frustrations, right?

[empresario]

I haven't read the book, so I guess I can't really speak to what it entails, but I don't want her to/expect her to change. Compromise is a major part of relationships, right?

 

And maybe this is where a face-to-face conversation about this stuff will help. I know that she knows that I would like her to show small bits of affection more and welcome my affection more, but I've never really bothered asking her if my affection is overwhelming/causing her to pull away. Maybe as well as expressing myself, I need to ask her what she wants from me. If it's a simple thing of me wanting her to be more consistent and her wanting less of my "touchy-feely" stuff, I think I can work with that. I think I often feel more inclined to be that way because she is less inclined to be.

 

She really has been understanding and I love that about her. I guess this recent trend just sort of threw me for a loop. When she was in school, she would have class during the day and work until five, then come over for dinner/to work on homework/to hang out. This would happen multiple times a week. I feel like we've lost that one-on-one time since she started her job a little bit. I also know that she has been busy at work due to being really ambitious and due to her boss being gone for two weeks and her having to pick up slack. It has just been frustrating not getting that quality time/not having much sex/having those personal moments. I mean, I am grateful for her time, even when we're in groups when we're with friends/co-workers and just seeing her even for something as simple as lunch. But I think everyone desires that one-on-one time.

 

Maybe I just need to give it time, but at the same time it's important she knows that these are my frustrations, right?

 

Know that it may not change. You're right, you shouldn't change her and in all likelihood she won't. She has to make a conscious decision to show you love in the way you like to receive it. That's the difference. You also need to realize that your need for reassurance won't change either.

 

 

I'm going to give you homework. Here's what you do. Write this date down in a journal. Calculate 30 days (pages) in advance. Keep a journal about your relationship.

 

 

Here are the rules:

 

 

1) Focus the entries on ways she's shown (or not shown) you love each day. Write something about how close you felt to her (make up a rating system and give yourself a value daily).

 

 

2) During this 30 days, commit yourself to not stressing about 'what ifs'. Don't worry about where your relationship is going. Stay in the moment each day. You're only allowed to worry about things you can control. This is a rule so you don't sabotage yourself.

 

 

3) At the end of the 30 days go through the entries and figure out if things have improved. There will be 3 outcomes. You will either feel closer to her, you will feel more disjointed (your ratings will go down), or it will be the same. If it's the same or lower, consider if it's 'still worth it' and start another 30 days if it is.

 

 

---

 

 

What does this do for you? It allows you to start focusing on your happiness and how you feel. You can still talk to her and tell you what your expectations are. You can still enjoy time with her and feel everything you should be feeling. But, at the end of 30 days you can evaluate everything that's happened and objectively see if you're happy in the relationship still.

 

 

If you discover you just aren't happy, this is a way for you to begin to see it.

 

 

Sound fair? And we want updates.

[Zzyxx]

I am hoping it becomes easier or, at the least I'm willing to see if it does. I know she can be affectionate, I just feel like there is this wall that is sort of still up. She has admitted she's not as far along as I am but that she does hope her future is with me, when she does get to my level. That's what leads me to believe that once she can allow herself to fully open up, that maybe her affection will be more consistent.

 

Once in a similar spot, do you have any advice as to how I should approach our talk? Should I voice all my frustrations and ask her if she's losing interest? I am admittedly not great with these conversations, and I don't want to say something that comes off wrong.

 

Yes, I think it's important to be honest and communicate like you said, cause as you referenced before I think holding things in and having them potentially turn to resentment is no good. The problem is that my ex was also not consistent, cause it just wasn't her style. When I would communicate with her, she would try and work on making me happy via my attachment style, and sometimes it would last for weeks or even months, but she would always go back into her avoidant pattern because that's just who she was, so I definitely get the whole consistency thing, but unfortunately, at least in my case, communication didn't really help cause she knew how I felt and she just felt differently. So I think you should be honest but also listen to what she has to say. If she says she needs time and space give it to her, and try to compromise if you think that will help things.

[losangelena]

This would happen multiple times a week. I feel like we've lost that one-on-one time since she started her job a little bit. I also know that she has been busy at work due to being really ambitious and due to her boss being gone for two weeks and her having to pick up slack. It has just been frustrating not getting that quality time/not having much sex/having those personal moments. I mean, I am grateful for her time, even when we're in groups when we're with friends/co-workers and just seeing her even for something as simple as lunch. But I think everyone desires that one-on-one time.

 

Maybe I just need to give it time, but at the same time it's important she knows that these are my frustrations, right?

 

I guess?

 

I don't know. I feel like I'm a bit like your gf. I'm not sure if having some big conversation about it would really help. If the situation is either A) a new job stress/work thing, then talking about it is just going to pressure her, or B) just who she is, I doubt it's going to do much good, either.

 

You say she's been alright up until the point of getting this job. Do you know how stressful starting a new job is? It is probably one of the most stressful things you can do. If I started a new job and my bf was getting on me for not spending as much time together as we normally do, I would feel annoyed. I would ask him to please give me some time to settle in and then we'd get back into the swing of things. I'd be wondering why he couldn't support me during the transition time and why he had to keep having these big, "important" discussions about feelings.

 

I'm not saying that what you're feeling isn't valid—it is. But I think it would serve you well to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. How she's been throughout the course of the relationship versus how she's been lately. You can point to obvious external stressors (e.g., reasons WHY she's acting more removed), so to come to her and say she's not living up to your expectations during this transitionary period is putting a lot of pressure on her. If she's "behind you" in this relationship, then you hanging off her in this way may turn her off, it's true.

 

My advice? Do what women are constantly told to do when their men get busy or focused on something else—go do something. Call up some of your bros and go get some beers. Mow the lawn. Build something. Go take a run around the lake. Read that book you've been putting off. Don't worry so much about getting your needs met. When she's back on track, there'll be plenty of time for that.

 

Those are my two cents, and simply my take on the situation. I don't know; it's late and I may have misread. I agree with the attachment theory differences. However, I also know that an anxious attacher revealing so much of their relationship anxiety to an avoidant partner will only serve to drive them further away.

 

You wrote all this yesterday. Have y'all talked yet?

[jjtr]

I guess?

 

I don't know. I feel like I'm a bit like your gf. I'm not sure if having some big conversation about it would really help. If the situation is either A) a new job stress/work thing, then talking about it is just going to pressure her, or B) just who she is, I doubt it's going to do much good, either.

 

You say she's been alright up until the point of getting this job. Do you know how stressful starting a new job is? It is probably one of the most stressful things you can do. If I started a new job and my bf was getting on me for not spending as much time together as we normally do, I would feel annoyed. I would ask him to please give me some time to settle in and then we'd get back into the swing of things. I'd be wondering why he couldn't support me during the transition time and why he had to keep having these big, "important" discussions about feelings.

 

I'm not saying that what you're feeling isn't valid—it is. But I think it would serve you well to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. How she's been throughout the course of the relationship versus how she's been lately. You can point to obvious external stressors (e.g., reasons WHY she's acting more removed), so to come to her and say she's not living up to your expectations during this transitionary period is putting a lot of pressure on her. If she's "behind you" in this relationship, then you hanging off her in this way may turn her off, it's true.

 

My advice? Do what women are constantly told to do when their men get busy or focused on something else—go do something. Call up some of your bros and go get some beers. Mow the lawn. Build something. Go take a run around the lake. Read that book you've been putting off. Don't worry so much about getting your needs met. When she's back on track, there'll be plenty of time for that.

 

Those are my two cents, and simply my take on the situation. I don't know; it's late and I may have misread. I agree with the attachment theory differences. However, I also know that an anxious attacher revealing so much of their relationship anxiety to an avoidant partner will only serve to drive them further away.

 

You wrote all this yesterday. Have y'all talked yet?

 

I don't think I ever touched on this, but she was the one who suggested we talk about this stuff after I briefly mentioned I was a little bit frustrated. I didn't go into much detail, but she said, "well, let's talk about it this week then."

 

I'm going over to her place tonight to cook dinner/hangout, so I'm assuming that's when we'll talk.

 

I did reach out to her best friend last night, just to see what she thought. She told me that she had briefly spoken to my girlfriend on Friday and was concerned that my girlfriend seemed uninterested in anything but work. Her friend also said she gave her the, "don't look back on this period and regret missing out on stuff because of work." She said she didn't know if it stuck with my girlfriend or not. I have also tried providing my girlfriend with this advice recently. I told her I thought it was awesome that she was ambitious, but she was risking burnout. I don't dive into it anymore than that, though because I don't feel it's my place. Her friend also suggested that I should just talk to her about it, but that I should try to do it casually and in a way that doesn't come across as a meeting or intervention. Which was fully how I wanted to do it, just casually.

 

As far as staying busy, I feel like I do a decent job of that. Admittedly it could be better, but it's not like I sulk at home every night she's not around. What threw me for a loop was a seeming pattern shift. Even when she was busy with law school/work, she would still reach out to me in the evening or if she needed to vent. Last week it was complete silence for a few days, which was just completely different from how our relationship has gone. Even yesterday, I didn't hear a word from her until I texted late asking how her day went. She responded, but it's just not like her to not send anything all day, regardless of being busy/stressed. That's what prompted me to think she was losing interest.

 

The only thing I can chalk it up to is work/her still trying to get settled into her new place. We went to a housewarming party together on Saturday and I asked her about it. She said she was just busy and needed space. I told her that was fine, but that I wish she would just simply tell me that instead of going silent. She said she thought telling me she needed space would defeat the purpose of her needing space, which didn't make sense to me. I'm a very literal person and she knows that if I know she needs space, I'm more than happy to give it to her. But when she just sort of disappears, I don't know what to think. Not only that, but at this party, we kind of started bickering (alcohol played a role), so I left for awhile to just go on a walk and try to clear my head. I was gone for probably an hour before coming back. Nothing was really spoke of it that night other than a few people mentioning I was gone awhile. On Sunday, my girlfriend asked me, "Seriously, where did you go for like two hours last night?" It almost felt accusatory, but I didn't say that. I just simply stated that it wasn't for two hours and that I just needed to go sit by myself/go for a walk to clear my head after our little bickering. I apologized for just up and disappearing and told her I should have let her know and she said that she was just confused by it. It seemed sort of hypocritical to me, though, that she would question it when she did the same thing for two days.

 

I think I'm going to go into the conversation tonight with the mindset of asking her what she needs in this relationship. I don't know if it's a good or bad idea, but I do think have been a little selfish in expressing my frustrations and needs without really trying to get a sense for hers. And I still think I need to get some stuff off my chest, but I'm going to do so by prefacing it with something along the lines of understanding she's been busy with work/getting settled and that it may very well just be that and nothing more.

Edited July 21, 2015 by jjtr

[losangelena]

I see. Well if it's her idea, then that should assuage your fears somewhat—I mean, she's willing to talk about it, so that's a positive. If she was just losing interest, I doubt she'd make the effort to hear you out.

 

I forgot actually that she just moved, too. Man, a new job and a new apartment—that's a lot of change! Again, I don't remember exactly how long you say this has been going on, but if it's just been a few weeks that she's been "off" then I would probably give her the benefit of the doubt. OK, so she just took space instead of telling you she needs space—her gaff, yeah maybe she could have done that better. Again, benefit of the doubt.

 

I dunno. I understand what you're saying, but given her personal circumstances, I'm somewhat concerned that you immediately assume she's losing interest in the relationship after just a couple of weeks of being distant. If it's long-sustained and getting worse, OK then question it. But this seems like a relatively recent, isolated incident. Moving is HUGE; a new job is HUGE. Maybe she's not handling it "well," but it seems like a lot to me to expect her to roll with the punches and maintain your status quo through it all.

 

I mean, what's going to happen if you guys get engaged and married, and kids come into the picture and suddenly she's focused on them? How will you feel if/when her parents die and she's grieving, perhaps distant and unable/unwilling to attend to your relationship the way you want her to for a given time? People pull away and close the distance all the time. I know that when my BF gets stressed with work or his housing situation or his immigration status, he's not going to be able to pay as close attention to me. But I know that eventually he'll come back around. Yes, I wish it weren't like that, but that's reality. Every relationship needs space. Even our closest ones.

 

Good luck this evening. Keep us posted.

[jjtr]

I see. Well if it's her idea, then that should assuage your fears somewhat—I mean, she's willing to talk about it, so that's a positive. If she was just losing interest, I doubt she'd make the effort to hear you out.

 

I forgot actually that she just moved, too. Man, a new job and a new apartment—that's a lot of change! Again, I don't remember exactly how long you say this has been going on, but if it's just been a few weeks that she's been "off" then I would probably give her the benefit of the doubt. OK, so she just took space instead of telling you she needs space—her gaff, yeah maybe she could have done that better. Again, benefit of the doubt.

 

I dunno. I understand what you're saying, but given her personal circumstances, I'm somewhat concerned that you immediately assume she's losing interest in the relationship after just a couple of weeks of being distant. If it's long-sustained and getting worse, OK then question it. But this seems like a relatively recent, isolated incident. Moving is HUGE; a new job is HUGE. Maybe she's not handling it "well," but it seems like a lot to me to expect her to roll with the punches and maintain your status quo through it all.

 

I mean, what's going to happen if you guys get engaged and married, and kids come into the picture and suddenly she's focused on them? How will you feel if/when her parents die and she's grieving, perhaps distant and unable/unwilling to attend to your relationship the way you want her to for a given time? People pull away and close the distance all the time. I know that when my BF gets stressed with work or his housing situation or his immigration status, he's not going to be able to pay as close attention to me. But I know that eventually he'll come back around. Yes, I wish it weren't like that, but that's reality. Every relationship needs space. Even our closest ones.

 

Good luck this evening. Keep us posted.

 

I have been doing a lot of self-reflecting throughout the day and have at least come to terms with myself that I am being a bit selfish/unreasonable given the circumstances.

 

I think it has been just a combination of things over the past week that really have thrown me for a loop/confused me. We had a great time when moving her, which sounds weird to say considering moving is a pain. I thought the experience brought us together and she was very appreciative/affectionate about that. I was riding high after that, and then last week happened and just sort of knocked me down a rung. I think the combination of getting knocked down from that high, lack of one-on-one hangout time lately, and lack of intimacy has stirred up these thoughts.

 

Anyway, she has to stay a bit late at work tonight, so I'm heading over in a bit. I'm going to see how her mood is, but I may just tell her we can talk about it another night if I can tell she's stressed. That or I may just flat out say I realized I was being selfish and understand that this is because of settling in/work.

[jjtr]

Well, I was basically blindsided tonight.

 

I'm so upset that I can only recall the conversation in bits and pieces. I thought it started off productive, but then it just deteriorated. She kept going back to the issue we had with affection and saying it was a fundamental flaw. I flat out told her that it wasn't. I said I know I have asked her to try to work on it and said that lately the affection had been fine. She kept trying to tie the affection and her being busy together and I told her they were two separate issues. I prefaced the entire talk by saying I realized that I was being selfish and that I know she just moved and was busy with work recently.

 

There have been so many mixed signals. She said she needed space after I helped her move because I was saying stuff like, "I feel bad that you're paying for all of this" and "I'll be using this stuff a lot too." Which yes, I may have said, but while we were shopping for her new stuff, she kept referring to things as, "what do WE need?" and she asked my opinion on everything. I told her she was equal responsible and she agree.

 

She ultimately said she didn't know what she wanted when I asked her. Like, she couldn't answer the question. I told her I was fine with work being her top priority, which I am. But I also can't rank on the bottom of the list. We went around in circles like this for awhile. I eventually just told her I didn't know what to say, but that I wasn't going to be the one ending it. She never flat out said she wanted to end it, just that she didn't see how we could work on it.

 

It took me awhile to leave, but when I did I told her that if she really wants it to be over, when I walk out the door, that's it. I can't do the on/off thing. Then I said I think she was making a rash emotional decision based on stress and she eventually came around to the idea of taking a week and then talking about things.

 

I am not optimistic (just by nature), but we'll see I guess. I don't know why she feels like she has to know what she wants. Maybe I gave that impression or maybe she just feels that way because it's been a year.

 

Needless to say, I am devastated. Completely and I don't know what to do. I am not willing to give up because I love this girl and deep down know that she is the one I want to be with.

[Jejangles]

Needless to say, I am devastated. Completely and I don't know what to do. I am not willing to give up because I love this girl and deep down know that she is the one I want to be with.

 

I'm really sorry it went that way. That must have been a very difficult evening and conversation.

 

You don't have to give up, but the best thing you can do right now is leave her alone. She is going through some major transitions in her life, and I think she can see that the two of you have some core compatibility issues that will likely make things difficult in the future. A year of dating is pretty considerable and can be kind of a decision point where you either get more serious or if you can't see that happening, break up.

 

Now more than ever I think you need to look inside yourself as to whether you two are truly a match. And prepare yourself that usually a break is the precursor to a break up. But if you really want to try to make it work, the best thing you can do is stay away and stay quiet. Any signs of neediness or anxiety from you is just going to solidify her decision that she needs to end things. But don't lose yourself and your emotional needs just to stay in this relationship. Breaking up is hard and brutal, but a life with someone incompatible is worse.