RoseHeart Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 I've been seeing a guy since February. We've had our ups and downs (I wrote about it extensively on here) but things have been going great! We've been hangout out a lot. We even spend a whole day together which hardly ever happens. Yes we've had sex too and I actually gave my virginity to him. We've had sex a few times and today something happened that really upset me. He came over this afternoon to me and I wanted sexy time. He looked at me strangely and said "Don't you think we are moving too fast?" I literally couldn't believe it when he said that. We've had sex probably many times now already so why would it suddenly become a issue? I know for a fact he can't be referring to commitment as I have not been giving off any needy/clingy and I know how it is and where we are it so he must be referring to us sexually. This confused me so so much. We've had amazing passionate sex before so it can't be that the sex is bad () and we ended up having sex anyway after he said that. I tried looking for signs that he might be *off* or not feeling us anymore but I couldn't find any. He was affectionate towards me during sex and when he left. So what gives?! What am I missing here? Why would he have said that when I asked if we can have sex? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 You need to ask him what he meant. I would not let that comment go unchecked, so to speak. Talk to him and ask him to clarify why he thinks things are moving too quickly. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 I've been seeing a guy since February. We've had our ups and downs (I wrote about it extensively on here) but things have been going great! We've been hangout out a lot. We even spend a whole day together which hardly ever happens. Yes we've had sex too and I actually gave my virginity to him. We've had sex a few times and today something happened that really upset me. He came over this afternoon to me and I wanted sexy time. He looked at me strangely and said "Don't you think we are moving too fast?" I literally couldn't believe it when he said that. We've had sex probably many times now already so why would it suddenly become a issue? I know for a fact he can't be referring to commitment as I have not been giving off any needy/clingy and I know how it is and where we are it so he must be referring to us sexually. This confused me so so much. We've had amazing passionate sex before so it can't be that the sex is bad () and we ended up having sex anyway after he said that. I tried looking for signs that he might be *off* or not feeling us anymore but I couldn't find any. He was affectionate towards me during sex and when he left. So what gives?! What am I missing here? Why would he have said that when I asked if we can have sex? It's not that he thinks you're moving too fast with the sex, he senses you are becoming too invested emotionally at this point than he is. You are writing here about him, so you are feeling needy/clingy and he senses it. If you are all over him all the time, that's the message it sends. Let him initiate the sex for a while anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 So you've had sex before you wanted sex and he tells you that you guys are moving too fast Instead of asking him what he meant and actually having a conversation, you sleep with him and then ask the forum what he meant? K, my advice - ask him what he meant! Oh and also just a note: Just because you thought the sex was passionate and good, doesn't mean that he necessarily did. I see comments like (not from you but in general), where people say things like "we had a great date" "we had great sex" "we have fantastic chemistry" That's not always the case, people just take what they felt/thought and assume that the other person felt/thought the same things. I think you need to have a conversation with him about what he meant and what he's looking for and be honest about what you want as well. And please do that before sleeping with him again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseHeart Posted July 20, 2015 Author Share Posted July 20, 2015 (edited) So you've had sex before you wanted sex and he tells you that you guys are moving too fast Instead of asking him what he meant and actually having a conversation, you sleep with him and then ask the forum what he meant? K, my advice - ask him what he meant! Oh and also just a note: Just because you thought the sex was passionate and good, doesn't mean that he necessarily did. I see comments like (not from you but in general), where people say things like "we had a great date" "we had great sex" "we have fantastic chemistry" That's not always the case, people just take what they felt/thought and assume that the other person felt/thought the same things. I think you need to have a conversation with him about what he meant and what he's looking for and be honest about what you want as well. And please do that before sleeping with him again. I know we have amazing sex... sorry but that's just pretty obvious and he's told me that a lot. Our sexual chemistry is amazing and it's just not just like I assume it.. he has told me before and uhm yeah there are physical signs too of people enjoying sex. I'm sure if he thought the sex was so bad he wouldn't be sexing me 3 times in one night right.. I've obviously felt like asking him about it and will bring it up but like most people I just want some insight on the situation. That's why we're all on here asking things for others... Edited July 20, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 (edited) You have only had sex with him so I think it's fair to consider the possibility that the sex wasn't as good as you might think. I thought the sex I had was great with my first gf because I had nothing to compare it to. In retrospect, it was pretty awful. Regarding the comment he made, he may not even have been referring to sex, so I would ask him what he meant. Edited July 20, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseHeart Posted July 20, 2015 Author Share Posted July 20, 2015 No need to get defensive when people are trying to help. You have only had sex with him so I think it's fair to consider the possibility that the sex wasn't as good as you might think. I thought the sex I had was great with my first gf because I had nothing to compare it to. In retrospect, it was pretty awful. Regarding the comment he made, he may not even have been referring to sex, so I would ask him what he meant. I know people think they are experts when they tell me that we might not have good sex but like I said. I know for a fact it's not that. As I said we ended up having sex too despite him saying that because he got so horny after we kissed. So yeah. It's definitely not that. I'm looking for insight on the situation. I know I should talk to him about it but this is a discussion place and telling me to go speak to him is stating the obvious like most people's issues are on here when it comes to dating. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 This confused me so so much. We've had amazing passionate sex before so it can't be that the sex is bad () and we ended up having sex anyway after he said that. I tried looking for signs that he might be *off* or not feeling us anymore but I couldn't find any. He was affectionate towards me during sex and when he left. So what gives?! What am I missing here? Why would he have said that when I asked if we can have sex? Does he have any hangups that you're aware of, or is he maybe a fundamentalist Christian struggling with premarital sex? Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 I know we have amazing sex... sorry but that's just pretty obvious and he's told me that a lot. Our sexual chemistry is amazing and it's just not just like I assume it.. he has told me before and uhm yeah there are physical signs too of people enjoying sex. I'm sure if he thought the sex was so bad he wouldn't be sexing me 3 times in one night right.. I've obviously felt like asking him about it and will bring it up but like most people I just want some insight on the situation. That's why we're all on here asking things for others... Ok, you have great chemistry and awesome sex - that's good. but anyways, I'm just wondering why your initial reaction wasn't to just ask him what he meant by what he said? Like he said "we shouldn't move too fast' what did you do/say then at that moment? Did you just pretend he didn't say anything at all? Oh but for the record, just because a guy gets it up and cums - doesn't mean it was necessarily awesome for him. Just sayin... But if you guys have great chemistry - that's awesome, so you should really get to the bottom of what he means by what he said, I mean if it's so great and you have a connection, and he wants it 3 times a night - what's the problem? Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 I know you are on here because you are hoping for people to give you insight on what the problem/issue might be, but honestly, your best option is to [obviously] ask him and get to the bottom of it. His wanting to slow down after sex seems odd to me - it could very well be: -Get to know each other more, we rushed into the sex -Slow down the relationship, I don't want you getting ideas that this is something significant -Slow down, lets not turn this relationship into sex only, I wanna do other things too. Obviously, we can guess and spin this to death, but the simplest answer is to ask him. I still don't get why you didn't ask him at the time. Good luck btw, how old are you guys? Link to post Share on other sites
toml Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 Im curious. Off topic. But why did you lose your virginity to a guy who isnt even your boyfriend and just wants sex?! Also how long did you make him wait before you diid the deed? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 Want to take things slow= I'm keeping my options open. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseHeart Posted July 20, 2015 Author Share Posted July 20, 2015 Does he have any hangups that you're aware of, or is he maybe a fundamentalist Christian struggling with premarital sex? He's a very insecure guy. That's pretty much the biggest hang up he has. He also has anxiety issues that has caused him to turn to unhealthy habits such as excessive pot smoking. He's not religious but he seems to take sex seriously. He has told me many times he can't just have sex with a girl on the side and isn't like other guys who can just hook up with different girls all the time. So there's definitely a emotional hang up there for him but I do not understand why it would be a issue for him now:confused: Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 He's a very insecure guy. That's pretty much the biggest hang up he has. He also has anxiety issues that has caused him to turn to unhealthy habits such as excessive pot smoking. He's not religious but he seems to take sex seriously. He has told me many times he can't just have sex with a girl on the side and isn't like other guys who can just hook up with different girls all the time. So there's definitely a emotional hang up there for him but I do not understand why it would be a issue for him now:confused: Did you say something to him the last time you were having sex that he may have misconstrued as you being way far ahead of him in this? It's either that or he's been thinking that he really isn't in the head space for a full on relationship and you are both speculating about what the other's intentions and expectations are instead of having had a good talk about it before he was all in your pink. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseHeart Posted July 20, 2015 Author Share Posted July 20, 2015 Ok, you have great chemistry and awesome sex - that's good. but anyways, I'm just wondering why your initial reaction wasn't to just ask him what he meant by what he said? Like he said "we shouldn't move too fast' what did you do/say then at that moment? Did you just pretend he didn't say anything at all? Oh but for the record, just because a guy gets it up and cums - doesn't mean it was necessarily awesome for him. Just sayin... But if you guys have great chemistry - that's awesome, so you should really get to the bottom of what he means by what he said, I mean if it's so great and you have a connection, and he wants it 3 times a night - what's the problem? We're still young. I'm 21 and he is 22 so we've still got quite some growing up to do. And learning. I guess my initial reason for not bringing it up was shock. I was so shocked by him saying something so raw and serious because it's unlike him. I immediately took it as a rejection of some kind and completely closed up. The only words I could find was when I told him I was just so excited to be with him because he is my first and I want to feel that way again (like how I feel when we have sex) and that I didn't think it was a problem. He just looked at me and I lied down on the bed then and he held me and started kissing me. I didn't understand and I guess in all honesty was too afraid of asking what is going on. I realize I should have said something. It was just so unlike him and what I've been used to seeing. I mean we started having sex quite soon in our *thing* so I reckoned that if he had issues with me sexually he would have brought it up months ago when we first started. Thanks for the advice. I'll be sure to talk to him about it when I see him again Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseHeart Posted July 20, 2015 Author Share Posted July 20, 2015 Im curious. Off topic. But why did you lose your virginity to a guy who isnt even your boyfriend and just wants sex?! Also how long did you make him wait before you diid the deed? Not very long. I honestly believe virginity is something personal and for me it was the right moment and the right time. Despite it all I have no regrets. I waited till I was 21 and trusted myself enough to know that I'll realize when it's the right time and for me it was right and it felt right. It still does. He doesn't want "just" sex. He has never not once given off that impression. Even when we had a rough patch I never thought he only wanted me for sex. I've been with ******* guys who was only after sexual things. I know what they are like and how they act. This guy has never acted that way nor said/done anything to make me question whether he's just using me. I've been played, fooled and used before for sexual things before and I wouldn't allow that to happen to me again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseHeart Posted July 20, 2015 Author Share Posted July 20, 2015 Want to take things slow= I'm keeping my options open. Thanks for the insight Link to post Share on other sites
GooseChaser Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 (edited) Does he have any hangups that you're aware of, or is he maybe a fundamentalist Christian struggling with premarital sex? Ahaha, okay, a little off topic, but I have to. I don't think a Christian feeling this way makes them "fundamentalist." They're all taught that way. Well, mostly anyway. Okay done, thanks for listening. Edited July 20, 2015 by GooseChaser 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseHeart Posted July 20, 2015 Author Share Posted July 20, 2015 Did you say something to him the last time you were having sex that he may have misconstrued as you being way far ahead of him in this? It's either that or he's been thinking that he really isn't in the head space for a full on relationship and you are both speculating about what the other's intentions and expectations are instead of having had a good talk about it before he was all in your pink. Not at all. The last time we had sex was actually 2 days ago and in my opinion it went well. There were no talks of relationships, commitments or anything of that nature. We spent a lot of time outside the bedroom particularity. We hanged out with his friends, went to dinner and watched series at his place with his brother. Only much later did we have sex. I don't know if I'm missing something here. He knows I'm okay with how things are right now but maybe there's something he's not saying. Thanks for the advice. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 Ahaha, okay, a little off topic, but I have to. I don't think a Christian feeling this way makes them "fundamentalist." They're all taught that way. Okay done, thanks for listening. Sorry, I guess I moreso meant to say "practicing" or whatever the words or phrase would be to indicate that you take the literal interpretation of your beliefs very seriously and try to apply them to day-to-day life. Link to post Share on other sites
fitnessfan365 Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 (edited) They've been having sex regularly for five months. It's doubtful he'd stick around that long/often for sex he hated. Then again, he is 22 and probably hasn't had enough experience to develop true sexual standards yet. However, assuming the sex is great. Let's be real OP. If there's no commitment after five months, you two aren't "dating". You're friends w-benefits. However, the only logical reason a guy would be pulling away from regular commitment free sex is that he met someone else. So my advice? Go strict no contact and leave the ball in his court. Edited July 20, 2015 by fitnessfan365 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 (edited) He came over this afternoon to me and I wanted sexy time. He looked at me strangely and said "Don't you think we are moving too fast?" ? I think maybe what he meant by that is that HE wants to be the one to initiate sex sometimes. Don't always initiate and don't be falling all over him all the time wanting sex. Let him miss you! Still get together with him....but keep the focus OFF the sex....at least sometimes. Let HIM be all over you! Let HIM want you! The only reason I say this is because of the timing of his comment. He said it immediately after YOU indicated YOU wanted some "sexy time." So pull back on the being the one to be all over him for sex all the time. Next time you are together, just forget about the sex. Again, let him miss you! Let him CRAVE sex with you! If you can do that....I highly doubt he will be thinking you are "moving too fast." Just my two cents FWIW..... Edited July 20, 2015 by katiegrl 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseHeart Posted July 20, 2015 Author Share Posted July 20, 2015 They've been having sex regularly for five months. It's doubtful he'd stick around that long/often for sex he hated. Then again, he is 22 and probably hasn't had enough experience to develop true sexual standards yet. However, assuming the sex is great. Let's be real OP. If there's no commitment after five months, you two aren't "dating". You're friends w-benefits. However, the only logical reason a guy would be pulling away from regular commitment free sex is that he met someone else. So my advice? Go strict no contact and leave the ball in his court. 5 months ... not exactly. See we had a very big misunderstanding/fight somewhere along the line. I messed up and he messed up. We only reconciled again about maybe a month ago. So there are a few gaps in these 5 months where we weren't actively dating. However during the time we were dating we have always been exclusive with one another. We are romantic with one another and we're definitely not **** buddies. We go on dates, he invites me to hang with his friends, I've met his parents and we do pretty much "couple" things. He talks about our future all the time. It's just that when you lay down everything on paper you'll see we haven't been spending a full 5 months together. We're still learning about each other and we both have reasons for not being in a relationship yet. Link to post Share on other sites
fitnessfan365 Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 (edited) I'm sorry, but this : I know for a fact he can't be referring to commitment as I have not been giving off any needy/clingy and I know how it is and where we are it so he must be referring to us sexually. contradicts this : However during the time we were dating we have always been exclusive with one another. We are romantic with one another and we're definitely not **** buddies. We go on dates, he invites me to hang with his friends, I've met his parents and we do pretty much "couple" things. He talks about our future all the time. Edited July 20, 2015 by fitnessfan365 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RoseHeart Posted July 20, 2015 Author Share Posted July 20, 2015 I'm sorry, but this : contradicts this : There's a difference between "in a relationship" and exclusively dating. I know we aren't in a committed relationship. Never said we were. However we do not date other people. We only date one another. I hope that clears it up for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts