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GF Gaining Weight


longjohn

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My GF of just over a year has been gaining weight, quite a bit of it. Actually the most (I've ever seen anymore gain) was on her family holiday last year. It's not enough to where I'm at the point of not being quite as attracted to her anymore. I've talked to her in the past about this and she said she let herself go a bit. Promised to correct things and even signed up at the gym with me. However.. getting her to go is like pulling teeth. I go for an hour a day 5 or 6 days a week. I'm lucky if I get her out once or twice a week. I shouldn't feel like I'm dragging her along I'd rather she want to go but it's obvious she doesn't. At family events (her sister/mother are massive) it's an all out eating fest. She's short about 5.2 or so and around 95kgs or 210lbs. She isn't eating healthy at all.. she tires for a day or two then reverts back to eating junk. Even hiding junk food from me. When I find it there's a fight and I feel like this is pointless. It's like I'm trying to stop an alcoholic from drinking?

 

 

One of the things she mentioned when we got together was her last serious bf had up and left her due to weight gain. Now I'm at the same point thinking... he might have had a point. I hate to be an arsehole but I can't hang around and wait for someone to turn into jabba the hut. It's not what I want and to be honest I get enough attention from other ladies often enough to remind me I don't have to settle or fix what's broken here. Again I feel like an arse for thinking that way. But on the other hand I know what I want and it isn't a woman in an electric wheelchair that can't walk anymore like her mother and soon her sister.

 

 

I however can understand why she overeats. It's stress, things she refuses to deal with no matter how much I try to help her or nudge her along. She's the type to bury her head in the sand and ignore things hoping they'll go away whereas I'm the type that wants to deal with things head on. I think all I can do is bring things to her attention again, mostly the underlying issues and try to correct otherwise I'm going to have to leave? I feel like I've no other options with this lady and it's sad because I do like her my attraction to her is just noise diving due to the size.

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compulsivedancer

She won't change unless she wants to change. Since she's not responding to you trying to get her to change, you continuing to bring it up will probably not help her change, but will just make her angry, resentful or depressed.

 

If you think it's a matter of underlying issues, you could suggest counseling. Or you could get a personal trainer at the gym so that she works smart. There's no need for her to go in 5-6 times a week. The eating is causing the weight gain, more than the lack of exercise. But oftentimes, trainers can help her get inspired, and will talk about nutrition as well.

 

Beyond that, there's not really anything you can do, except love her. It sucks, but if it's a deal breaker, it's a dealbreaker. Eventually you may have to say goodbye.

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My GF of just over a year has been gaining weight, quite a bit of it. Actually the most (I've ever seen anymore gain) was on her family holiday last year. It's not enough to where I'm at the point of not being quite as attracted to her anymore. I've talked to her in the past about this and she said she let herself go a bit. Promised to correct things and even signed up at the gym with me. However.. getting her to go is like pulling teeth. I go for an hour a day 5 or 6 days a week. I'm lucky if I get her out once or twice a week. I shouldn't feel like I'm dragging her along I'd rather she want to go but it's obvious she doesn't. At family events (her sister/mother are massive) it's an all out eating fest. She's short about 5.2 or so and around 95kgs or 210lbs. She isn't eating healthy at all.. she tires for a day or two then reverts back to eating junk. Even hiding junk food from me. When I find it there's a fight and I feel like this is pointless. It's like I'm trying to stop an alcoholic from drinking?

 

 

One of the things she mentioned when we got together was her last serious bf had up and left her due to weight gain. Now I'm at the same point thinking... he might have had a point. I hate to be an arsehole but I can't hang around and wait for someone to turn into jabba the hut. It's not what I want and to be honest I get enough attention from other ladies often enough to remind me I don't have to settle or fix what's broken here. Again I feel like an arse for thinking that way. But on the other hand I know what I want and it isn't a woman in an electric wheelchair that can't walk anymore like her mother and soon her sister.

 

 

I however can understand why she overeats. It's stress, things she refuses to deal with no matter how much I try to help her or nudge her along. She's the type to bury her head in the sand and ignore things hoping they'll go away whereas I'm the type that wants to deal with things head on. I think all I can do is bring things to her attention again, mostly the underlying issues and try to correct otherwise I'm going to have to leave? I feel like I've no other options with this lady and it's sad because I do like her my attraction to her is just noise diving due to the size.

 

5'2" and 210 lbs. is obese and extremely unhealthy.

 

Maybe approach it from that angle? That you are concerned about her health?

 

You should be concerned anyway.....due to strokes, heart attack, diabetes.

 

I understand about feeling stress but there are other ways of dealing with stress other than over-eating!!!!!

 

Suggest counseling to deal with the stress....

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It sounds like this is her pattern - get in a relationship and take it for granted, stop taking care of herself, and gaining weight. Until she decides for herself that this is not healthy and takes action on her own to deal with it, you can do nothing other than be supportive of what she does do. Frankly, such a weight gain would be a deal breaker for me, and if it is for you, the sooner you end things the better for you both.

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It sounds like this is her pattern - get in a relationship and take it for granted, stop taking care of herself, and gaining weight. Until she decides for herself that this is not healthy and takes action on her own to deal with it, you can do nothing other than be supportive of what she does do. Frankly, such a weight gain would be a deal breaker for me, and if it is for you, the sooner you end things the better for you both.

 

You know it might be a deal breaker for me too.... But not because I lost my physical attraction.

 

But because health is super important to me. ..... and if my partner became so complacent and dismissive about his own health ....THAT would be real concerning to me, eventually turning me off.

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You know it might be deal breaker for me too.... But not because I lost my physical attraction.

 

But because health is super important to me. ..... and if my partner became so complacent and dismissive about his own health ....THAT would be real concerning to me, eventually turning me off.

 

 

I was just going to say this exact thing. I have someone from my past recently that has been contacting me trying to start up a relationship with me. They've recently completely let their health go and they are not even 30 yet. Not to mention, their health issues have caused them to also suffer from depression/anxiety.

 

When people do not take care of themselves, it's a major turn off for me. I don't have anything against overweight people in general. But if you have a ton of underlying health issues caused by heavy weight gain, that is a huge turn off.

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lana-banana

How much has she gained since you started dating? How long has it been?

 

She may benefit from dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), which is designed for people who struggle to break free from unhealthy coping mechanisms. However, it sounds like she has a very steep road ahead. If her family is larger she will be more inclined to see overeating as ordinary. And if she isn't motivated to change for her own sake she is unlikely to change at any point. The most you can do is be clear about your own feelings and be prepared to go your own way if need be. If it is really an addiction, as you suggest, you shouldn't be expected to stay with someone who puts her addictions over you.

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fitnessfan365

Until she gets to a place where she wants to change for herself, it won't happen. Basic human psychology is to resent and rebel against forced change. So the more you try to drag her to the gym and the more you try to change her eating habits, the more she'll want to stay where she is.

 

1) Start planning outside activities that have an exercise component. Example -Tell her that you found a great picnic spot and that you two will go on a hike to get there. Make sure it's a place with REALLY steep hills. Then a few times during, get out in front of her and make her catch up. When she sees how out of shape she has become and that she can't keep up with you, it's like her hitting rock bottom.

 

2) She needs to have a goal to work towards. Example - Pick a popular beach destination. Tell her that you'd love to have a place to stay warm this winter. So you'll plan a vacation for the two of you in six months. Then stress how hot she'd look in a bikini. Suddenly she has a reason for herself to get in shape. The image of wearing a bikini will be burned into her brain and motivate her.

 

Doing things like this to help facilitate her own change will actually get her to drop weight. But continuing to force her to go to the gym and rag on her about her eating will only make her fight you more.

Edited by fitnessfan365
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The girl weighs 95 kgs and is 5 ft 2.

 

That's very over weight.

 

Even for a 6 ft guy a weight of 95 kgs would be fairly chunky.

 

Your either a saint or nuts to stick with a girl thats willing to let her go that much!

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Lois_Griffin
She's short about 5.2 or so and around 95kgs or 210lbs.

Holy crap! That's 100 pounds more than ME and I'm only an inch shorter than her!

 

This is a LIFETIME of being overweight. This didn't just happen over the holidays or the last few months. It's a lifetime of being raised by morbidly obese people who taught her their eating habits. There's ALWAYS going to be a reason she has to eat crap and make herself even fatter. You can drag her to the gym every single night and it's not going to change anything. You can appeal to her 'health' all you want and it ain't gonna change a damned thing.

 

She's well on her way to the 'massive' status of the rest of her family. Give her a few more years. I guess it's up to you as to how big she'll get before it becomes a deal breaker for you.

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Holy crap! That's 100 pounds more than ME and I'm only an inch shorter than her!

 

This is a LIFETIME of being overweight. This didn't just happen over the holidays or the last few months. It's a lifetime of being raised by morbidly obese people who taught her their eating habits. There's ALWAYS going to be a reason she has to eat crap and make herself even fatter. You can drag her to the gym every single night and it's not going to change anything. You can appeal to her 'health' all you want and it ain't gonna change a damned thing.

 

She's well on her way to the 'massive' status of the rest of her family. Give her a few more years. I guess it's up to you as to how big she'll get before it becomes a deal breaker for you.

 

Lol, it's 100 lbs (well 90 to be exact)....more than I weigh .... and I am four inches TALLER than her!

 

It is obese no matter how you look at it.

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losangelena
The girl weighs 95 kgs and is 5 ft 2.

 

That's very over weight.

 

Even for a 6 ft guy a weight of 95 kgs would be fairly chunky.

 

Your either a saint or nuts to stick with a girl thats willing to let her go that much!

 

Well, unless he's attracted to bigger women (shocker).

 

OP still needs to tell us how much weight she's gained since they've dated. Just because she's 95kg now doesn't mean she wasn't already overweight when they started dating.

 

In my opinion, there's nothing "saintly" about a man dating an obese woman. Nor is he "nuts."

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Instead of making it about attraction, talk about health. Tell her you care about her and that you're concerned that she's not living a healthy life. Tell her it hurts you to see her letting herself get to such an unhealthy point and that you need her to try harder.

 

If she doesn't even try, then you need to decide for yourself if you want to stick around for her inevitable descent into obesity.

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It sounds like this is her pattern - get in a relationship and take it for granted, stop taking care of herself, and gaining weight.

 

 

***Until she decides for herself that this is not healthy and takes action on her own to deal with it, you can do nothing other than ***be supportive of what she does do. ****

 

 

Frankly, such a weight gain would be a deal breaker for me, and if it is for you, the sooner you end things the better for you both.

 

Be supportive of slowly killing herself? Stroke, heart attack, diabetes, just to name a few.

 

Really? [shakes head in disbelief]

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This is a compatibility issue....you like being active, and enjoy taking care of your health, she likes to eat and sit on her ass. It's not up to you to ACCEPT this, or to FIX this. You are not obligated to **support** her. You have expectations that are now not being met. She has released her dirty secret....she loses weight to attract a man, then lets herself go once she gets one. She is a yoyo dieter, weight loss dreamer. If this is unacceptable, then this relationship is over.

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***This is a compatibility issue....you like being active, and enjoy taking care of your health, **she likes to eat and sit on her ass.***

 

 

. It's not up to you to ACCEPT this, or to FIX this. You are not obligated to **support** her. You have expectations that are now not being met. She has released her dirty secret....she loses weight to attract a man, then lets herself go once she gets one. She is a yoyo dieter, weight loss dreamer. If this is unacceptable, then this relationship is over.

 

Quote in asterisk -- LMAO -- smackie the way you worded that......crack me up!!!

 

I mean, who the hell would be compatible with that?

 

Too funny. :bunny::bunny::bunny:

Edited by katiegrl
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lollipopspot
I hate to be an arsehole but I can't hang around and wait for someone to turn into jabba the hut. It's not what I want...I know what I want and it isn't a woman in an electric wheelchair that can't walk anymore like her mother and soon her sister.

 

I don't think you're a jerk for wanting to be able to be active with someone. You've been talking to her about this, but another conversation - you're willing to support her, you find her attractive, but you're concerned about loss of ability. This will ultimately be a deal breaker for you, if she can't get control of it.

 

I wouldn't want to be with a smoker for a few reasons, but watching another person in my life die of lung disease because of their addiction is top on the list.

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You're just putting her under more stress, which will only make her need food more. If you care more about how she should look than her personality, you'd be doing her a favor to just break up. She deserves someone who loves her for what's inside too, enough that they can grow old together -- because no one still has their looks as they grow old. A partner has to be accepting. I wasn't as physically attracted to a couple of my old bfs when they cut their hair off or it thinned out or gained weight, but it wasn't a dealbreaker because I loved who they were inside. My sexual attraction to them wasn't the most important thing on the table, and neither should anyone's be.

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lollipopspot
You're just putting her under more stress, which will only make her need food more. If you care more about how she should look than her personality, you'd be doing her a favor to just break up. She deserves someone who loves her for what's inside too, enough that they can grow old together -- because no one still has their looks as they grow old. A partner has to be accepting. I wasn't as physically attracted to a couple of my old bfs when they cut their hair off or it thinned out or gained weight, but it wasn't a dealbreaker because I loved who they were inside. My sexual attraction to them wasn't the most important thing on the table, and neither should anyone's be.

 

I agree with you generally, but I think this is less about looks and more about being able to be active with someone?

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Idk about everyone else here but heartache is just about my best diet. Maybe breaking up with her is just the kick in the pants she needs to start getting in shape again.

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runredlights

Are you young? If you decide to stick with this person and nothing changes, just try to imagine what she'll look like once she's in her 30's. Dramatically decreased metabolism, children, less time for the gym, stress from the real world. All a terrible recipe for an even bigger gal and type 2 diabetes.

 

Since you have no marriage or children as obligations I wouldn't put up with it much longer unless she takes what you've said seriously and puts forth a little effort. We're not talking 5 or 10 pounds here so I really think it's disrespectful of her to have no regard for her own health or her partners wants and needs.

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Versacehottie
I don't think you're a jerk for wanting to be able to be active with someone. You've been talking to her about this, but another conversation - you're willing to support her, you find her attractive, but you're concerned about loss of ability. This will ultimately be a deal breaker for you, if she can't get control of it.

.

 

Agreed. OP, I know you are trying to be supportive and PC by not being turned off physically by her yet (or at least admitting to it) but it's clear that her mindset is already a turn off for you. I don't have any great advice unfortunately. Such a personal and interwoven problem with 100 pounds to lose and a family history and environment such as she has had, it might take around 1-2 years for her to get healthy--and that's all providing she starts now and is willing to do it. And often significant weight loss actually negatively affects relationships even if she is capable of succeeding.

 

I think bugging her to go to the gym is just a bandaid at this point and source of resentment for the two of you. Bigger issue is going to be overhauling her eating habits. Unfortunately, all of these are personal decisions she will have to come to the conclusion of. You can voice your position but until she is ready to hear it and move on it, it will be struggle/setback/repeat. You might just have to look at it from a bigger point of view that you two are growing apart and incompatible. Sorry and good luck

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Sorry Longjohn, but I think you're on a hiding to nothing here.

 

She comes from a "big" family with a culture of over-eating. It would be very hard for her to go against that, and I bet she hasn't had much support from her family when she has tried to lose weight.

 

Going by the figures you state, she has a BMI of 38.4. In UK 40 = morbidly obese. So she's very close to that which means she's on the way to serious health problems.

 

I dated an obese chap once. (He was a blind date) He was a really nice guy but he was not interested in losing weight. I went to a gym at the time and said I would help him if he wanted to get fitter, but he didn't. I stopped seeing him after 3 dates.

 

Preraph,

 

She deserves someone who loves her for what's inside too, enough that they can grow old together -- because no one still has their looks as they grow old.

 

Unfortunately, unless this girl reduces her weigh drastically, then longevity won't be on the table. :rolleyes:

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Poppygoodwill

You two have different lifestyles and they are not compatible in the long run. You are fit and active and she's not really interested in that. She might be, in the long run when she gets older, or she might not. But life is lived in teh present and so if you find the quality of your relationship is dropping because of tension around her overeating and lack of fitness or interest in fitness, then I'd say it's a deal breaker. No one will be happy in a relationship that does not have a basic acceptance of each other and your values. You'll just pick away at one another otherwise.

 

It doesn't make you a bad person to not want to date a woman who has a different lifestyle. Perhaps next time you might think of this as you're asking women out, so you don't wind up in a similar situation. Lessons learned and all that.

 

On that score, it would be useful to know for yourself just what turns you off about it, what actually puts you off about her behaviour. For instance, my husband is 9 years older than I am and he's in great shape, partly because he's an army colonel who has had an active job, partly due to the influence of my fitness and lifestyle, and - to be honest - partly because I bug him about eating crap. Truth is, I'm actually afraid he'll get out of shape because I fear that it will mean my life will have to slow down and I'll be able to do less of the things I love to do - hike, kayak, etc - because he can't keep up. So it's not really about him and his health and looks and all that if I'm brutally honest (and you might find this too). It's about me and my fears of having to live a life that doesn't suit me. Know thyself they say, and through that knowledge you can find happiness. And minimize the unhappiness you give to others.

Edited by Poppygoodwill
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I agree with you generally, but I think this is less about looks and more about being able to be active with someone?

 

No. I think with men it's nearly all about sex.

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