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Dating my direct supervisor who is 21 years older, right after engagement to another.


arabellakumar

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arabellakumar

I'm currently 28 years old, and I began dating my direct supervisor at work about a month and a half ago, who is 49 years old, 21 years older than me.

 

Prior to this, I was in a 7 year engagement with another man right before I got sexually involved with my direct supervisor.

 

My 29 year old ex-fiance, and I went to college and law school together. I was living with my Fiance at his parents' house and I became very unhappy and our intimacy suffered because I was unhappy living there, and I told him, but he seemed comfortable and didn't make efforts to get me out of there because he was studying for his bar examination.

 

His mother is a vile woman, she would defame me to her relatives, send me rude e-mails, and I would hide in my Fiance's room whenever I got home from work.

 

With the stress of living at my ex-Fiance's parents' house, work became my outlet because stress was so bad living at his home because of his mom. I only worked at my current workplace since then end of November 2014, and I began going to lunches and coffee runs with my boss often in March 2015 and April 2015.

 

I thought it was just lots of fun with a friend. My boss took me out to go eating and drinking for 5 hours the day after my birthday, and I started liking my boss.

 

My ex-fiance when he saw how long the dinner went, banned me from going to lunch and coffee with my boss. I found this too controlling because I told him I knew my limits and would not cross those boundaries and I want the option of going to lunch or coffee if I wanted to.

 

My ex-fiance's constant nagging, made me want my direct supervisor even more. Even though my supervisor flirted with me, and I knew it was wrong... it made me feel really good to get attention from someone new.

 

I broke things off with my ex-fiance and began immediately dating my direct supervisor. He makes me feel alive, and I feel that passion that was missing from my relationship with my ex-fiance while living in stress at his parents house.

 

However, my direct supervisor is 21 years older than me, and is permanently separated from his wife, but not yet divorced and has two high school aged children.

 

I love my direct supervisor and the way he makes me feel and I can see myself getting married to him just one month and a half into this secret relationship.

 

He tells me he loves me too and we were meant for each other.

 

Am I being too naive? Will this relationship work?

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arabellakumar,

 

My boss took me out to go eating and drinking for 5 hours the day after my birthday, and I started liking my boss.

 

However, my direct supervisor is 21 years older than me, and is permanently separated from his wife, but not yet divorced and has two high school aged children.

 

uh-oh.....

 

I love my direct supervisor and the way he makes me feel and I can see myself getting married to him just one month and a half into this secret relationship.

 

Really?

 

He tells me he loves me too and we were meant for each other.

 

And you believe him ? :confused:

 

Look up "future faking" - this guy isn't even divorced yet :rolleyes:

 

 

Am I being too naive?
- Yes

 

 

Will this relationship work?

 

Well, it's working for him isn't it? He's got some young bit of stuff mooning all over him and hanging on his every word. He'll be wanting sex next, and then he'll really have it made.

 

Please wake up and smell the coffee.

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Why is it still a secret relationship?

If you are both "single" and free to date, why are you hiding away?

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arabellakumar
Why is it still a secret relationship?

If you are both "single" and free to date, why are you hiding away?

 

 

It is because he is my direct supervisor at work, and my ex-fiance accused me of cheating because he caught me with my direct supervisor.

 

My direct supervisor and I have had sex and he moved into my apartment after about 2 weeks.

 

I have not felt this passion since when I started first dating my ex-fiance, 7 years ago.

 

Do you think this relationship can last?

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First of all, you are entering very dangerous waters here especially since this is your direct supervisor you are sleeping with. If things goes south (and it typically does at some point for every relationship), then things can get messy fast within your work place due to where he stands above you.

 

So I hope you are considering looking for a new job while you are at it.

 

Secondly, he hasn't even been fully divorced yet. Technically, if he is not divorced, he is still married. Don't be fooled by his self-proclaimed "single" status.

 

Third, he's 21 years older than you. A few more years and you would be dating a guy old enough to be your father. Doesn't that bother you at all? Because I know it will for me especially since my mother gave birth to me when she was 21.

 

Lastly, I think he is playing around and is enjoying the advantages he gets from sleeping with you without having to commit. I feel he is saying the things you want to hear so you can continue to stay with him while keeping the relationship under the table.

 

I am 99% sure this will not work. I suggest you bolt as fast as possible because you are already way too deep in this anyway.

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It is because he is my direct supervisor at work

 

Exactly......and if this goes out, you both are in hot water.

 

He knows it is wrong because he will get fired for it if this goes public. That is why he is keeping it under the table.

 

my ex-fiance accused me of cheating because he caught me with my direct supervisor.

 

Technically, your ex-fiance is right. Why are you with another man for over 2 hours while you are engaged to him, especially if you are happy around him? I would have taken notice of that as well if I was in his shoes.

 

My direct supervisor and I have had sex and he moved into my apartment after about 2 weeks.

 

Man, that's quick. He saw an opportunity and pounced on it.

 

I have not felt this passion since when I started first dating my ex-fiance, 7 years ago.

 

Then you should have broke up with him years ago. Why stay in a relationship if your needs hasn't been met?

 

.Do you think this relationship can last?

 

Honestly, no. All I see is a married player that is enjoying the fruits that you are giving to him without him putting much investment in exchange. To him, this is a insanely sweet deal and he will try to keep it going for as long as possible.

 

You need to get out as soon as possible. I don't see this getting any better for you.

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Some problems I see:-

 

  1. Both of you are on the rebound. Rebounds rarely work out. Neither of you are truly ready to move on from your last relationships. Why did his marriage fail?
  2. Both your jobs are a stake here.
  3. His kids will hate you, have you thought through being a "step mum" to older kids and what that means for you.
    Once the haze of this infatuation dies down, his kids will always come first, can you cope with that?
  4. Due to his age and he already has kids, he is unlikely to want more kids with you.
  5. YOU now have an ex wife to deal with. The mother of his kids will always have an input into what you do.
  6. Why doesn't he have his own apartment/house, if he is permanently separated and 49 years old?
    Why is he shacked up with you?
  7. How can you get married if he is not yet divorced? Men who divorce are usually not keen to dive straight back in again.
    "We were meant for each other" I guess does NOT mean "I want to marry you"

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BronzeAgeJaeger217
I'm currently 28 years old, and I began dating my direct supervisor at work about a month and a half ago, who is 49 years old, 21 years older than me.

 

Prior to this, I was in a 7 year engagement with another man right before I got sexually involved with my direct supervisor.

 

My 29 year old ex-fiance, and I went to college and law school together. I was living with my Fiance at his parents' house and I became very unhappy and our intimacy suffered because I was unhappy living there, and I told him, but he seemed comfortable and didn't make efforts to get me out of there because he was studying for his bar examination.

 

His mother is a vile woman, she would defame me to her relatives, send me rude e-mails, and I would hide in my Fiance's room whenever I got home from work.

 

With the stress of living at my ex-Fiance's parents' house, work became my outlet because stress was so bad living at his home because of his mom. I only worked at my current workplace since then end of November 2014, and I began going to lunches and coffee runs with my boss often in March 2015 and April 2015.

 

I thought it was just lots of fun with a friend. My boss took me out to go eating and drinking for 5 hours the day after my birthday, and I started liking my boss.

 

My ex-fiance when he saw how long the dinner went, banned me from going to lunch and coffee with my boss. I found this too controlling because I told him I knew my limits and would not cross those boundaries and I want the option of going to lunch or coffee if I wanted to.

 

My ex-fiance's constant nagging, made me want my direct supervisor even more. Even though my supervisor flirted with me, and I knew it was wrong... it made me feel really good to get attention from someone new.

 

I broke things off with my ex-fiance and began immediately dating my direct supervisor. He makes me feel alive, and I feel that passion that was missing from my relationship with my ex-fiance while living in stress at his parents house.

 

However, my direct supervisor is 21 years older than me, and is permanently separated from his wife, but not yet divorced and has two high school aged children.

 

I love my direct supervisor and the way he makes me feel and I can see myself getting married to him just one month and a half into this secret relationship.

 

He tells me he loves me too and we were meant for each other.

 

Am I being too naive? Will this relationship work?

 

What made you fall for a man who is old enough to be your Dad?

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"Am I being too naive? Will this relationship work?"

 

 

There are SO MANY red flags here I don't even know where to begin.

 

 

Are you being naïve? Totally!

 

 

Will this relationship work? Extremely unlikely without a miracle.

 

 

You're setting yourself up for a world of pain and hurt, not to mention the possible loss of your job.

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I see this ending very messy. This man is your supervisor and if (or most likely when) this relationship falls apart, it's gonna make things for you so uncomfortable at work. He could literally make your life a living hell. I don't even need to get into the fact he's still married because the fact you have to keep this relationship a secret at work is proof enough it'll never work.

 

But like someone else asked: why is he shacking up with you if he's legally separated?

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arabellakumar,

 

My direct supervisor and I have had sex and he moved into my apartment after about 2 weeks.

 

Oh my giddy aunt, what can I say ?! :eek:

 

So now he has it all, a sexual housekeeper who is happy to stroke his ego without any commitment or input from him.

 

Get the parachute ready, sweetie, because you're going to be coming down to earth with a bang. :rolleyes:

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I think you are being very naive and emotional since your break up with your fiancé. This man (your supervisor) is nothing more than a rebound. I hope you take the advice someone else said and start looking for a new job. When this ends, you'll wish you had.

 

What will happen if somehow the rest of your work catches on to you and your supervisors behavior? How does the HR department not know he's living with you?

Edited by babycakees
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holy monkeybranching batman.

 

living with in-laws is the worst.

I get that, but lets look at what you did.

Instead of just breaking up with him you went from being dependant on one man to being dependant on another man.

 

And for the record you were spending time with another man you were attracted too.

if it were me, I would of just dropped you instead of telling you that you couldn't keep going on dates with your boss.

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Stop calling it a "relationship". It's an affair, it's sex only with some minor efforts so your supervisor can have sex with you (also known as manipulation). And he's married, not seperated, why else do you think he wants to keep it secret? You'd be a social embarassment to his reputation. Inform the wife ASAP.

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arabellakumar
What made you fall for a man who is old enough to be your Dad?

 

It is the way he makes me feel.

 

I would say that it is fun and exciting to hang out with him to go drinking and eating. We have excellent rapport and laugh a lot.

 

The passion is great, it makes me feel alive again after living with my ex-fiance's in-laws for 1.5 years and being stressed every day.

 

In comparison to my ex-fiance, who hasn't started his career yet, my supervisor is financially stable and I feel that is manly that he can take care of me and make me feel safe.

 

My supervisor has a house in San Francisco that he lives in (and his separated wife still owns an interest in) but our workplace is only 1 mile from my apartment, that is why he stays at my place.

 

My ex-fiance alerted HR, but the HR manager is my friend, and has been covering for me. Also, my ex-fiance also told my parents and our friends, so it would look bad if other people knew.

 

 

I can see the red flags, but this feels so real and exciting. I really care for him and he feels the same way.

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Personally I find this quite gross. You're a young, presumably attractive girl, and you're dating an OLD MAN. Think about that. You just recently ended your relationship with a man you were going to marry. Ever think maybe you were just shook up and looking to hold on to the first guy that showed you any interest?

 

That aside, it's also wrong that your direct supervisor is sleeping with you. This is extremely unprofessional. If you really think this is a real relationship then one of you needs to quit. And guess what? I bet if the work relationship ends, the real one will too. You're a young woman. You should date some younger men and then see how you feel about this guy. Everything about this is so grimy.

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Well....

 

The passion is great, it makes me feel alive again after living with my ex-fiance's in-laws for 1.5 years and being stressed every day.
If it's so great, why ask if you are being naive and if the relationship will work? I think you know it won't.

 

My supervisor has a house in San Francisco that he lives in (and his separated wife still owns an interest in) but our workplace is only 1 mile from my apartment, that is why he stays at my place
Ahh... So he gets sex and saves money on gas. He's getting all kinds of perks.
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Personally I find this quite gross. You're a young, presumably attractive girl, and you're dating an OLD MAN. Think about that. You just recently ended your relationship with a man you were going to marry. Ever think maybe you were just shook up and looking to hold on to the first guy that showed you any interest?

 

That aside, it's also wrong that your direct supervisor is sleeping with you. This is extremely unprofessional. If you really think this is a real relationship then one of you needs to quit. And guess what? I bet if the work relationship ends, the real one will too. You're a young woman. You should date some younger men and then see how you feel about this guy. Everything about this is so grimy.

Just want to wade in here...I'm not supporting THIS relationship, I think it's doomed...but a 49 year old man is NOT old..thank you all the same.

Ask my gf's if I can keep up with their younger partners.

My current GF is 30.

Yes, I am 49

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It is the way he makes me feel.

 

I would say that it is fun and exciting to hang out with him to go drinking and eating. We have excellent rapport and laugh a lot.

 

The passion is great, it makes me feel alive again after living with my ex-fiance's in-laws for 1.5 years and being stressed every day.

 

In comparison to my ex-fiance, who hasn't started his career yet, my supervisor is financially stable and I feel that is manly that he can take care of me and make me feel safe.

 

My supervisor has a house in San Francisco that he lives in (and his separated wife still owns an interest in) but our workplace is only 1 mile from my apartment, that is why he stays at my place.

 

My ex-fiance alerted HR, but the HR manager is my friend, and has been covering for me. Also, my ex-fiance also told my parents and our friends, so it would look bad if other people knew.

 

 

I can see the red flags, but this feels so real and exciting. I really care for him and he feels the same way.

 

 

"Real and exciting" don't trump plain old common sense.

 

 

Sadly I think you will regret ignoring those red flags and the sound advice that's been given in this thread.

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yxalitis I didn't mean any offense. I guess I'm young myself so I see things in a different light. If your relationship is working out then more power to you. In this situation though I think the fact that he's also her boss really makes this grimy.

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arabellakumar
"Real and exciting" don't trump plain old common sense.

 

 

Sadly I think you will regret ignoring those red flags and the sound advice that's been given in this thread.

 

 

 

I know it is wrong, but the feelings are so strong, I don't know how to stop them.

 

What can I do?

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I know it is wrong, but the feelings are so strong, I don't know how to stop them.

 

What can I do?

 

Take a step back and look at your situation more clearly. Someone in my shoes who has been single for a long time and has been on a series of dates with different people, I'm ready and willing to get into a real relationship. Someone in your shoes who just got over a serious long-term relationship, you need to be single for a little while.

 

Jumping into bed with the first man that bought you lunch, an almost 50 year old man who is your boss, is not cool. You're clearly on the rebound. You're so miserable because of the loss you had that you're looking for the comfort of somebody wanting you. This is not healthy. You need to regain your independence and be on your own. Don't be afraid to let it hurt. You need to heal before you can get back into a relationship. Once enough time passes you need to start dating and see who else is out there for you.

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Just want to wade in here...I'm not supporting THIS relationship, I think it's doomed...but a 49 year old man is NOT old..thank you all the same.

Ask my gf's if I can keep up with their younger partners.

My current GF is 30.

Yes, I am 49

 

I was about to wade in too defending us 40+ guys :)

 

Not all 49 year olds are created equal. Some may have a biological age closer to 60, where as some may be more like 30 year olds.

Look after yourself, exercise, eat well and you can age like a fine wine!

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I think 49 IS old and whilst not decrepit, there is a huge difference in ages here, and life stages.

 

So whilst anyone can date who they like, the fact that arabellakumar sees this as leading to marriage, when he is not even divorced yet is naive in the extreme and is I guess going to lead to heart ache. For a Lasting Marriage, Try Marrying Someone Your Own Age - The Atlantic

 

I can see what is in it for him, but I am struggling to see what is in it long term for her.

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This doesn't even sound like it is written from first-person, and yeah, the birthday story was shared in the forum not too long ago... hate my good memory.

 

I'm not convinced she left because of her boss... even if so, it is a consequence not cause...

 

I'm currently 28 years old, and I began dating my direct supervisor at work about a month and a half ago, who is 49 years old, 21 years older than me.

 

Prior to this, I was in a 7 year engagement with another man right before I got sexually involved with my direct supervisor.

 

My 29 year old ex-fiance, and I went to college and law school together. I was living with my Fiance at his parents' house and I became very unhappy and our intimacy suffered because I was unhappy living there, and I told him, but he seemed comfortable and didn't make efforts to get me out of there because he was studying for his bar examination.

 

His mother is a vile woman, she would defame me to her relatives, send me rude e-mails, and I would hide in my Fiance's room whenever I got home from work.

 

With the stress of living at my ex-Fiance's parents' house, work became my outlet because stress was so bad living at his home because of his mom. I only worked at my current workplace since then end of November 2014, and I began going to lunches and coffee runs with my boss often in March 2015 and April 2015.

 

I thought it was just lots of fun with a friend. My boss took me out to go eating and drinking for 5 hours the day after my birthday, and I started liking my boss.

 

My ex-fiance when he saw how long the dinner went, banned me from going to lunch and coffee with my boss. I found this too controlling because I told him I knew my limits and would not cross those boundaries and I want the option of going to lunch or coffee if I wanted to.

 

My ex-fiance's constant nagging, made me want my direct supervisor even more. Even though my supervisor flirted with me, and I knew it was wrong... it made me feel really good to get attention from someone new.

 

I broke things off with my ex-fiance and began immediately dating my direct supervisor. He makes me feel alive, and I feel that passion that was missing from my relationship with my ex-fiance while living in stress at his parents house.

 

However, my direct supervisor is 21 years older than me, and is permanently separated from his wife, but not yet divorced and has two high school aged children.

 

I love my direct supervisor and the way he makes me feel and I can see myself getting married to him just one month and a half into this secret relationship.

 

He tells me he loves me too and we were meant for each other.

 

Am I being too naive? Will this relationship work?

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