My relationship woes

[gogaff]

Hello,

 

Let me preface this by saying I had a wonderful, 4 year marriage to a woman that was destroyed by her infidelity on another man. However, the actual marriage set the bar incredibly high for post-divorce dating. I do my best not to compare dating to the relationship I had, but I've also learned that I know what I like and what works for me as far as a relationship goes.

 

Last year, I met a woman that lived an hour away from me. We are both in the hospitality industry, but managed to have weekends off, so we would see each other every weekend (she'd come my way one weekend, I'd go her way the next). During this initial 4 month period, things were wonderful, and we had a great, strong relationship for what it was at the time. There is an age difference (she's 24 and I'm 32), but I admired how driven she was as she was the general manager of her restaurant already at that age. This was the only job she's ever had, so her only work experience is 8 years at this company.

 

In December of 2014, she got a job offer at a much higher volume restaurant unit in the company, and transferred to this location. The restaurant and where she now lives is about 20 miles away from where I live. We were both ecstatic as we thought our relationship could only grow from that point on.

 

Unfortunately, she came in to a very broken restaurant- staff not caring about their jobs, frequent tardiness, very rude guest service, etc. She ended up firing many people, as well as having people leave, believing all the time that she could hire new people. Well, in the process she also lost her assistant general manager and many of her supervisors. Unfortunately, she's had a VERY difficult time hiring people as the talent pool where she's hiring is VERY limited. So to get on track, she's had to work upwards of 65 hrs/wk to get the restaurant back on track. It is now July 2015, and the restaurant is still not even close to where it needs to be and she is still working 65 hrs/wk.

 

I find myself unhappy with the relationship now because we live 20 miles away from each other, but still only see each other once or twice a week. I can't make plans with her because I never know what's going to happen with her work schedule. And, when I do see her, she is so worn and beat from work, it doesn't end up being quality time. Obviously, a lot of this stress and anxiety comes back home, and so when we see each other, we end up talking about her horrible situation or we end up in a fight or misunderstanding.

 

She feels horribly for the way things are going because of work. Before me, she had dated a chef who worked about 60 hours a week and she ended up going through the same thing I'm going through, so she definitely understands my position. But, because we live in an expensive tech area, she doesn't have much of a choice except to continue working this job. She's getting paid at the higher end of this industry, and any job change will most likely result in lower pay, and she's barely surviving here as it is.

 

Lately, we have been fighting much more because I think we're both unhappy with the situation. We just had our one year anniversary, and I still only see her maybe once a week. The traffic in our area makes commuting hard as 20 miles could easily be an hour one-way just to see each other. The final straw for me was this last weekend, we had a friends get together/game night, and everyone brought their significant other. My girlfriend had her PM supervisor call out and another crew member call out sick, so she ended up working open to close just to cover the shift. I was with a group of my friends and their spouses/sig others playing games while mine was working. Again. It should be noted that after 13 months, she hasn't even met any of my friends except for two. This game night was so she could meet all of them.

 

I feel as though our relationship is not where it should be after a year, and though I think most in not all of this is NOT her fault, I can't help but wonder what the future will hold if things don't change. I don't want to resent her because of work, but I think even in another 6 months she will still have to work many, many hours a week. We are nowhere near ready to move in as there are other issues that most be worked out on top of all this (she has two small conures and I have a cat. Neither of us will give up our animals, and neither of us expect the other to do so). We have both discussed all these matters many times, and always just decided to proceed forward and keep trying, so nothing is a surprise to either of us. But, it's apparent we are both unhappy with the situation.

 

I'm looking for any advice, opinions or anything that will help in this matter. I love her more than this blurb of text probably makes it out to be, and I don't want to give up on this relationship. But at the same time, I feel like I'm at my wits end and neither of us know how to fix the situation in the immediate future.

 

Thanks for any advice you all may have, and thanks for reading.

[DaisyBug]

That's a toughie. How about this, though: How long does it take you to find someone you care about this much? And, if you did, do you think all the stars would align just so (better work hours, close proximity, etc)?

 

I understand you wanting to spend more quality time with her and not being able to do so is putting a strain on your relationship, but think of how frustrating and time-consuming finding another woman like her would be. If she's a really good woman, it'd be a shame to break up over such a (hopefully) temporary issue.

[gogaff]

I guess maybe a better term is that I don't really feel like we're in a relationship. Or at least where I think a relationship should be after a year. And this is me saying this based on all the relationships I've had in the past. I don't think we're "progressing" I guess, but it's not because we don't want to. I don't think either of us want to be going on 2 or 3 years with the same outside issues.

[DaisyBug]

Oh, gotcha.

 

Glancing over your post again, and seeing that you both have been fighting and you're concerned about resenting her, well, maybe you will eventually have to let this one go. It's too bad, but after a year, yeah, I can see how you'd want to be more of a priority, even if she doesn't have much control over the situation.

[caringsister]

Is she worth the wait? Either you can fight against each other or fight united to stay together. From what I understand the little grey haired couples went through hell and back at times during their relationship. There secret to making it work is the did it with the support of their other half and they road the waves together.

 

It takes a lot of strength and courage as well as love to be lucky enough to grow old together. I hope you two can make it

[kismetkismet]

Oh man, that is a tough one.. Does this job situation have an end? Is it leading somewhere better? Because after a year you do want to feel as though the relationship is moving forward, I do understand that. Particularly since you weren't together for that long before hand so you weren't already 'in it for the long haul' where a year is just a speck of your relationship. It's difficult because you can't really give her an ultimatum, you or the job, but that situation sounds dreadful for both of you.. and not something sustainable anyways! She should maybe be considering whether the job is worth sacrificing her well being and relationships.. If it is a stepping stone though.. and there is a visible end to it you might want to tough it out? Do you think you want to marry this girl eventually?

[Ruby Slippers]

You respect her drive and ambition, but resent the hours her work requires. You're going to have a pick a side - respect and support her in her demanding job, or let her go if you can't handle the limits on your time with her.

 

I think you're justified either way.

 

These days I work for myself and have almost total flexibility about when and where I work. But when I was putting myself through school and working crazy hours to do it, the men I had relationships with were very understanding and supportive. One boyfriend found very creative ways to spend more time with me when I was working and going to school from 6 am to midnight every day. For example, he'd often bring lunch to me at work, and we'd have a quick half-hour lunch break at a table outside my office. Or he'd pick me up after classes ended and drive me to work, so we'd have 20-30 minutes to catch up, kiss, and hug.

 

Stop fighting with the girl about being dedicated and working hard. Make the most of the time you have together. Work with her and support her, or leave her be.

[gogaff]

Oh man, that is a tough one.. Does this job situation have an end? Is it leading somewhere better? Because after a year you do want to feel as though the relationship is moving forward, I do understand that. Particularly since you weren't together for that long before hand so you weren't already 'in it for the long haul' where a year is just a speck of your relationship. It's difficult because you can't really give her an ultimatum, you or the job, but that situation sounds dreadful for both of you.. and not something sustainable anyways! She should maybe be considering whether the job is worth sacrificing her well being and relationships.. If it is a stepping stone though.. and there is a visible end to it you might want to tough it out? Do you think you want to marry this girl eventually?

 

She is one of the best general managers in the company (I'm not saying that just because I'm with her, I also work for this company, but on the corporate side of things). She will most likely become a district manager at some point soon, so that's why she's enduring a lot of this. Unfortunately, she was dealt a bad hand with her particular DM, and this guy isn't helping her in the slightest. He's more interested in having beers with his GMs and not actually address the problems that the GMs face. He frequently tells her "it'll get better", when in fact, it hasn't at all. But I digress...

 

We both live in an area where it's expensive to live, so she really doesn't have much options. If we were in a living situation together, I would be able to take care of more of the financial aspect to be able to let her look for something else. But again, we are not there. The whole thing seems very cyclical with no clear resolution.

[gogaff]

You respect her drive and ambition, but resent the hours her work requires. You're going to have a pick a side - respect and support her in her demanding job, or let her go if you can't handle the limits on your time with her.

 

I think you're justified either way.

 

These days I work for myself and have almost total flexibility about when and where I work. But when I was putting myself through school and working crazy hours to do it, the men I had relationships with were very understanding and supportive. One boyfriend found very creative ways to spend more time with me when I was working and going to school from 6 am to midnight every day. For example, he'd often bring lunch to me at work, and we'd have a quick half-hour lunch break at a table outside my office. Or he'd pick me up after classes ended and drive me to work, so we'd have 20-30 minutes to catch up, kiss, and hug.

 

Stop fighting with the girl about being dedicated and working hard. Make the most of the time you have together. Work with her and support her, or leave her be.

 

Her work does not require 65 hrs/wk, and that's the issue. I can understand that if it did, and it'd be much easier to come to terms with. The company she works for has general managers work 45/wk. Unfortunately, the situations you've stated are not an option as far as spending time, especially when I consider the hours I work, commute, etc.

 

When we met, we had plenty of time to see each other, and that was 2 hours away. Now, we have very little and she's 20 miles away. Believe me, if there's anything that might work for time spending, we've tried it.

[kismetkismet]

I think it just comes down to how long you think this situation will last, and how long you hope the relationship to.. If this is only going to go on another 6 months and you can picture yourself with her for the rest of your life - and she can as well - then it could be worth the wait. i don't fall in and out of love easily so I tend to try to work through that sort of thing. But if this could be going on for years, the problem is that you might not get a chance to get to know her enough to know whether or not you can make it work... Does she have any options in terms of requesting extra help or a transfer?

[Peachland]

I would encourage her to stand up and address this unsustainable work situation. Is there some plan she could put together to address the vacancy issue? Could she hire temporary contractors in the interim? Recruit outside the area and have the company pay for relocation? She's young but she needs to be firm in raising these issues and potential solutions with her manager. I lead a big team and I expect my managers to come to me with work life balance issues and ways to fix it.

[Ruby Slippers]

We both live in an area where it's expensive to live, so she really doesn't have much options. If we were in a living situation together, I would be able to take care of more of the financial aspect to be able to let her look for something else. But again, we are not there. The whole thing seems very cyclical with no clear resolution.

How about asking her to move in together? There's always a solution if you're determined. People have overcome hardships far greater than these to make a relationship work.

[gogaff]

I think it just comes down to how long you think this situation will last, and how long you hope the relationship to.. If this is only going to go on another 6 months and you can picture yourself with her for the rest of your life - and she can as well - then it could be worth the wait. i don't fall in and out of love easily so I tend to try to work through that sort of thing. But if this could be going on for years, the problem is that you might not get a chance to get to know her enough to know whether or not you can make it work... Does she have any options in terms of requesting extra help or a transfer?

 

I agree, I think I'm just used to being able to do things with someone at this point i.e. take vacations, get togethers. With her, I can't even make plans, and it turn, I feel like I'm waiting around based on her availability. I don't fall out of love fast either, which is why I am trying to make things work. I feel like I've just kind of lowered my expectations until she is more free, but I don't think I should have to do that given the length of the relationship. I don't think it'll go on for years, but it's definitely going to be a while and I don't want to put off my life.

 

I would encourage her to stand up and address this unsustainable work situation. Is there some plan she could put together to address the vacancy issue? Could she hire temporary contractors in the interim? Recruit outside the area and have the company pay for relocation? She's young but she needs to be firm in raising these issues and potential solutions with her manager. I lead a big team and I expect my managers to come to me with work life balance issues and ways to fix it.

 

While this is great advice, I have encouraged her to do this before. She has been met with "you're being too picky on hiring" or "focus on the crew you have and the rest will come". Obviously these are not sensible answers. Unfortunately, I do feel with this particular company that they have lost touch with what it's like to be in the field. Each market is different, and tactics that work in one won't work in another. Her restaurant sits in a very difficult part of the state to get quality applicants. The applicants that she's hired that were less than desirable just don't bother showing up again. Of course, this is due to everyone at that restaurant having to work so hard to make up for the people they lost. Not to mention since it's a fairly large company, there's policies and systems that aren't always the quickest to alleviate problems. Corporate red tape and whatnot.

 

I'm in an interesting spot because I affect change without having to be in the restaurant, so I guess I see both sides of whats going on. I suppose I could just keep pushing her on this issue, because I agree with you wholeheartedly.

 

How about asking her to move in together? There's always a solution if you're determined. People have overcome hardships far greater than these to make a relationship work.

 

See original message- I am not comfortable moving in with her at this stage of the relationship. If it was 13 months and we spent a lot more time together beforehand, then sure, I might be in a different position. Also, there's the pet thing that I've stated previously. It's a big enough deal to warrant more discussion on it. I am not going to move in with someone just to save a relationship.

Edited July 13, 2015 by gogaff