Boyfriend has poor boundaries with his sister

[SpiralOut]

I will try to keep this short. My bf and I have just moved in together. There was a two week period where his other roommate - his sister - was living here with us. She was planning to get her own place anyway, but my moving in pushed her to look harder. The main reason for that is her dog. The dog has problems. Everybody tells her to get rid of it but she won't.

 

 

My bf has been wanting the dog to move out with her for a long time. He wants to fix up the house and sell it. He can't do that with the dog here. It does too much damage to the house, mainly by chewing the walls. It literally rips chunks of the drywall out of the wall. It also isn't properly housetrained and damaged the carpet by defecating/urinating on it regularly.

 

 

I've been hesitant to move in. I agree to do it for the following reasons: 1) he told me that his sister and the dog were going to move out and 2) we agreed to fix the house together and sell it. We both want to move away from the city and we can't do that unless we sell the house.

 

 

His sister and the dog moved out this weekend. Last night we had a conversation about it, mainly about how it would work out. A large dog with behavioural problems in a one-bedroom apartment isn't going to be easy to deal with. My bf told me that if for any reason it doesn't work out, he will allow his sister and the dog to move back in with us.

 

 

I understand that family comes first. However, I think it's okay to put your foot down about certain things with them. My bf tends to put up with a lot of crap from this sister of his. She can be quite inconsiderate and rude, for example, all of her kitchen things are still here and I can't move my things in until she takes them out. The reason she "didn't have time" to pack them on time for moving day was because she went shopping at Ikea the night before moving day, then went to Ikea the MORNING OF moving day. Then, around 4pm on moving day, she decided she was done and went to the movies instead of coming back to pack the rest of her things.

 

 

Anyway, that's the kind of attitude his sister has. I expected my bf to put his foot down about the dog. He didn't. So far as I'm concerned, allowing it to move back in with us is the same thing as throwing away our plans to fix the place and sell it. We cannot do that with the dog here. And it's not as if she can't go anywhere else. Their other sister has already offered to let her live with her instead of she needs a place to stay. Yet for some reason my bf thinks that his little sister has nowhere else to go? He even tried to tell me she didn't!!! I had to explain to him that she has other places to stay.

 

 

I am feeling upset since our conversation last night. I love him, but it bothers me that he would so easily and casually offer to throw our future plans away. I'm worried that if a situation arises where he must put his foot down, he won't do it. That's fine if his family members need a place to stay, but he needs to say no to the dog. That's too much to deal with. I'm his partner. We're supposed to be building a life together. It makes me wonder if I should get out while I can. I feel like I can't count on him.

 

 

Thoughts?

Edited July 13, 2015 by SpiralOut

[wb1988]

It's his sister, the rules are different. I don't have any siblings, but if I did I'd let things like this slide considering that she lives there. Also what kind of a guy puts the desires of a gf (not a wife) before his sister?

 

He isn't 'throwing' away anything, this is just temporary right? It seems your bf won't make his sister do anything so maybe you should have a serious talk with his sister instead.

 

You should think about the angle you want to take. I wouldn't bad mouth his sister at all or even bad mouth the dog. They both know the issues with the dog so there isn't any point going over that. Also I'm sure you've thought about getting the dog put down or kicked out (without the sister) but that'll only label you as the evil gf.

 

Wait a few more months, I'm sure the sister and the dog will gtfo.

[RaRa89]

I think you need to establish your own boundaries. Set a fair deadline for when you want the sister out. Sorry, family shouldn't always come first. GFs and BFs are family you choose IMO! If you give him an ultimatum (but word it fairly) and stick to your guns, then it forces him to look at the situation more realistically. If you can find somewhere else to stay in the meantime, and move there if his sister hangs around past your deadline, then your BF will know that you are serious. Also, if he cares that deeply about your feelings, he will take action to get you back living together.

 

Can the dog not be sectioned within just part of the house? Then your BFs sister can pay for the repairs in the section only when she finally moves. Personally I would not put up with a dog wrecking havoc in the place I live!! I'd have the squirty bottle of water on it (which wouldn't help)! Don't lie down and take this much longer, but also try to be fair and understanding when laying out your boundaries and opinions. Otherwise you'll end up in a bitter dispute which won't help things. Good luck

[veggirl]

Why dint you guys train the dog instead of "getting rid of it"? What does that even mean...dump it at a shelter? Be helpful. It's his sister. If they are close he is going to help her. I would.

[Els]

I agree that I would be concerned about his boundaries.

 

I'm not sure if I read your story right, but you're saying that if his sister can't handle living in a 1 bdr apartment with the dog, he's going to let her move in with both of you indefinitely? I would absolutely put my foot down on that. A 2 week stint as previously stated would be tolerable, but indefinitely, no.

 

My response might be different in extenuating circumstances (severe illness, etc), but not in this one. Unless there's more to the story than is being said, it's pretty obvious that the sister is taking advantage of him and is being irresponsible and selfish. Did she even offer to pay for the repairs that her dog incurred?

 

If push does come to shove (she wants to move in indefinitely, your bf agrees) I think you should move out and seriously reconsider the R. I also disagree with wb1988 - it doesn't matter that you're not married. If your R is at the stage where you are living together, he needs to be willing to prioritize your needs and opinions regarding your SHARED living situation rather than making unilateral decisions about it. If he isn't, he's not at a stage where he's ready to be a live-in partner.

 

To put it another way, I think that the bigger issue here is the fact that he thinks it's okay to make decisions about your shared house all by himself without taking you into account. You might be able to fix the dog problem via training, rehoming, etc, but none of that changes this issue.

Edited July 13, 2015 by Elswyth

[Redhead14]

I will try to keep this short. My bf and I have just moved in together. There was a two week period where his other roommate - his sister - was living here with us. She was planning to get her own place anyway, but my moving in pushed her to look harder. The main reason for that is her dog. The dog has problems. Everybody tells her to get rid of it but she won't.

 

 

My bf has been wanting the dog to move out with her for a long time. He wants to fix up the house and sell it. He can't do that with the dog here. It does too much damage to the house, mainly by chewing the walls. It literally rips chunks of the drywall out of the wall. It also isn't properly housetrained and damaged the carpet by defecating/urinating on it regularly.

 

 

I've been hesitant to move in. I agree to do it for the following reasons: 1) he told me that his sister and the dog were going to move out and 2) we agreed to fix the house together and sell it. We both want to move away from the city and we can't do that unless we sell the house.

 

 

His sister and the dog moved out this weekend. Last night we had a conversation about it, mainly about how it would work out. A large dog with behavioural problems in a one-bedroom apartment isn't going to be easy to deal with. My bf told me that if for any reason it doesn't work out, he will allow his sister and the dog to move back in with us.

 

 

I understand that family comes first. However, I think it's okay to put your foot down about certain things with them. My bf tends to put up with a lot of crap from this sister of his. She can be quite inconsiderate and rude, for example, all of her kitchen things are still here and I can't move my things in until she takes them out. The reason she "didn't have time" to pack them on time for moving day was because she went shopping at Ikea the night before moving day, then went to Ikea the MORNING OF moving day. Then, around 4pm on moving day, she decided she was done and went to the movies instead of coming back to pack the rest of her things.

 

 

Anyway, that's the kind of attitude his sister has. I expected my bf to put his foot down about the dog. He didn't. So far as I'm concerned, allowing it to move back in with us is the same thing as throwing away our plans to fix the place and sell it. We cannot do that with the dog here. And it's not as if she can't go anywhere else. Their other sister has already offered to let her live with her instead of she needs a place to stay. Yet for some reason my bf thinks that his little sister has nowhere else to go? He even tried to tell me she didn't!!! I had to explain to him that she has other places to stay.

 

 

I am feeling upset since our conversation last night. I love him, but it bothers me that he would so easily and casually offer to throw our future plans away. I'm worried that if a situation arises where he must put his foot down, he won't do it. That's fine if his family members need a place to stay, but he needs to say no to the dog. That's too much to deal with. I'm his partner. We're supposed to be building a life together. It makes me wonder if I should get out while I can. I feel like I can't count on him.

 

 

Thoughts?

 

How long have you two been together? Are you engaged? The reality here is that, if you're not even engaged, you are not at the point in the relationship where you can dictate or even be involved in this decision. It's his house, his rules until you are in a committed relationship. Your only option is to decide whether this situation meets your needs and whether you can deal with it. If not, you don't live together until that situation is resolved.

 

If you are engaged, at least, you can let him know that this doesn't work for you and it's up to him to make the decision to accommodate your needs or not. If he doesn't, you have your answer. He's not making you his priority. And, really, that's part of the problem right now anyway. If you were a priority to him, he would do what he needs to do for you.

 

Yeah, it's family first, but this girl sounds irresponsible and selfish. He is basically enabling her. You'd only put family first in a time of need if those people were worthy/deserving of it.

 

Step back and focus on your needs in a relationship. If he's not meeting them, there's no relationship. You want a man who has a back bone, he's not showing you that now.

[Dork Vader]

I think you have some ligit concerns about the dog and the relationship he has with his sister.

 

I think you need to sit down and talk too him about boundaries. Tell him that for you too move in with him you need certain boundaries/rules set up for the home. It's okay for you too set your own boundaries. Look for compromise and try to find happy mediums in which the 2 of you will be happy. Do not be demanding. just be firm and tell him what your needs and expectations are for this too happen.

 

If you do not want the sister or any other family living there that is okay. You need too just tell him that for you too move in, then things are going to change and it's going to be both yours and his home. It will no longer be just his home.

 

If he is not willing to commit and/or compromise on some boundaries you would like set, then do NOT move in with him.

 

His relationship with his sister and lack of boundaries is something you should stay clear of, unless those lack of boundaries directly effects you and the relationship you have with your boy friend.

[darkmoon]

his family are v close, he has grown up like this, all for one and one for all, so his first reaction is to care for her

 

but yeah she and the dog can go to her sister, at this time you want to sort out your home

 

just do not make him wrong in an argument, he will only grow more stubborn

 

in not moving in with him, well, be careful, he might not ask you again, you do not hold all the high cards, and you do not want his sisters both pissed at you

Edited July 13, 2015 by darkmoon

[SpiralOut]

I agree that I would be concerned about his boundaries.

 

I'm not sure if I read your story right, but you're saying that if his sister can't handle living in a 1 bdr apartment with the dog, he's going to let her move in with both of you indefinitely? I would absolutely put my foot down on that. A 2 week stint as previously stated would be tolerable, but indefinitely, no.

 

My response might be different in extenuating circumstances (severe illness, etc), but not in this one. Unless there's more to the story than is being said, it's pretty obvious that the sister is taking advantage of him and is being irresponsible and selfish. Did she even offer to pay for the repairs that her dog incurred?

 

If push does come to shove (she wants to move in indefinitely, your bf agrees) I think you should move out and seriously reconsider the R. I also disagree with wb1988 - it doesn't matter that you're not married. If your R is at the stage where you are living together, he needs to be willing to prioritize your needs and opinions regarding your SHARED living situation rather than making unilateral decisions about it. If he isn't, he's not at a stage where he's ready to be a live-in partner.

 

To put it another way, I think that the bigger issue here is the fact that he thinks it's okay to make decisions about your shared house all by himself without taking you into account. You might be able to fix the dog problem via training, rehoming, etc, but none of that changes this issue.

 

Yeah it would be indefinetly, or "until she finds something else" with no deadline attached. No she did not offer to help pay for the damages. He speaks openly about wanting to fix the carpet. His other family members have tried to offer advise. His sister says nothing and offers nothing. She didn't even deodorize the area like you are supposed to do. She is an irresponsible pet owner IMO.

 

I agree the main issue is him wanting to make decisions without asking for my opinion. That's what bothers me. We are supposed to be a team.

 

I spoke to him about it today and he says he understands and that if it comes to that, we will discuss it together and decide together. I'm still a bit angry. I shouldn't have to explain to him that my feelings matter.

 

Last night I told him that I can't handle living with the dog and I will move out if he allows it to move back in. That to me is intolerable. However if a family member needs to move in I am open to that.

 

Just to clarify she and the dog are moved out now. It's just her things that are still here. I wouldn't mind so much if she had asked us if we mind holding onto them for a few days. Instead she told us she was leaving it and would pick it up later. Okay.

 

It bothers me that I had to fight with my boyfriend over this. He enables her and it is ridiculous. When I suggested giving her a deadline to move her things and dump them out if she doesn't he called me cold hearted. No I'm not, I just have boundaries. He doesn't get it.

[smackie9]

IMO you have every right to have a say in who moves in with you regardless if it being about family. This is your test to see if you two can live together. It's not looking so good. This is going to end your relationship in no time.

[smackie9]

If I were you I would just move out and let him figure out his priorities.

[d0nnivain]

If the sister & the dog move back in, your remedy is to move out. You have no ownership interest in this house.

 

I would encourage training the dog. Perhaps get the sister a housewarming present: Dog Training for Dummies.

[preraph]

I'll be honest up front and say I detest people who treat animals as disposable rather than as a responsibility just like kids that you don't shirk. His sister needs to get a place with a big fenced back yard and put in a dog door so her dog isn't so bored it chews up the walls. Animals do that out of boredom. That dog needs squirrels to chase and toys to chew on. It also needs another dog because dogs are pack animals. They are not socialized to being without a pack. The dog can be outside a good bit of the time with a good doghouse and brought in during bad weather and Fourth of July and fully supervised.

 

My dogs CAN'T chew up my walls because I know what they're up to. Not 30 minutes ago, I just yanked a paper towel out of my dog's mouth. If I had a dog that was destructive, I'd dog-proof the house as well as possible (set the trash cans up high for one) and set it up real good outside and come home at lunch to check on it. I have my living room closed off to the dogs because dogs like to get on the sofa and groom and will eventually wear a hole in it. But they have plenty of other areas to go in. I'd take it off high protein dog foods (which are most that are sold in the US) which only make them more hyper and replace it with Purina Healthy Morsels or Dog Chow to bring their energy level down a notch.

 

Then when I came home from work I'd run it around the back yard and tire it out and then bring it in for some family time.

 

So I can't support any decision that includes "getting rid of" the dog because it's not easy to do that in any way that it's in the dog's best interests. Its life is on the line. Your problems pale in comparison to a dog whose owner abandons it.

 

You can and should choose just to stay out of this until they find a permanent solution.

Edited July 13, 2015 by preraph

[introverted1]

I guess I am the odd (wo)man out here. Your bf and his sister (and her dog) were roommates until you moved in. Ideally, the time to have had the conversation about how decisions concerning your living arrangements would be made should have happened before you moved in, not after.

 

They didn't and now you are in a situation where the sister has moved out, but may be moving back. To me, this is a decision to be made by your bf. It appears the sister only moved out so you could move in. Further, unless I missed it, this is your bf's house and you have now ownership interest;nor have you been there long enough to have a financial stake in what happens next. I am not sure what your basis is for assuming your bf should prioritize your wants over his sister's needs.

 

I'm not going to even comment on the awfulness of suggesting that the sister can move back but not the dog. Pets are a commitment, not a whim.

[Ruby Slippers]

I feel like I'm making the same basic commentary on the forum lately, which is this: People are who they are. Their relationships with their family and friends are what they are. You can exert some influence and try to bend situations to your will, but the core facts here will not change. The facts are that your boyfriend goes out of his way to accommodate your sister, however difficult she or her dog may be. Some people are just this way. He will likely be this way with her for the rest of his life.

 

I was in a relationship with a man who bent over backwards to accommodate his mother and brothers, no matter how unreasonable they were being. This never changed. Over time, he became slightly better at establishing and enforcing normal boundaries, but the changes were minor.

 

Your boyfriend is showing you now who he is. You're not going to change him. At best, he'll slightly adjust his behavior or mask it to pacify you. So you can accept him and his relationship with his sister as it is, or not.

 

If I were in your place, I'd let it go for now, as you might be worrying about something that will never happen. If he lets her and the troublesome dog move back in, you can move out and end the relationship then, if you feel that's the right thing to do.

[SpiralOut]

I have decided to let it go for now. We talked about it some more and he agreed that my opinion matters when it comes to additional roommates or possible new pets. I apologized for trying to control how he deals with his sister. I don't agree with how he deals with her but I can't change him.

 

 

Honestly I don't think the sister would WANT to move back in, regardless of whatever problems she has. She's stubborn and she'll try really hard to make her situation work.

 

 

And just to clarify, we did discuss house rules before I moved in. He was the one who said that he and I would make decisions together 50-50. He insisted on it. That's why I lost my temper when he suddenly decided something without asking for my opinion. He was going back on his own rule.

 

 

As for the comments about giving up a pet.... I don't normally advocate doing that, but if a pet owner is unable to provide their pet with what it needs, then the kindest thing to do is find a home where it can be treated the way it deserves. I'm not convinced that she is able to give this dog what it needs. Hopefully I am wrong and she will figure out a way to make it work.

Edited July 15, 2015 by SpiralOut

[lollipopspot]

That poor dog may have separation anxiety or something causing him to do so much damage. The dog needs care and training, not a shelter where the problems can only get worse.