AVarma Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 Maybe because he's never had any? Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 Or because some people prefer to keep their past to themselves. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 Maybe because he's never had any? It depends on how long you've been dating. It's really not a great idea to discuss past relationships too soon beyond a mention but even that isnt ne essary too soon. What is important to do early at least is to make sure the two of you are on the same page in terms of dating goals. If you not on that page anyway, there no point in going into any other details. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 Completely mum & seeming to be secretive about it would make me too suspicious. I would wonder what he was hiding & why. In your case, because there is past to discuss saying something vague, like I didn't really date; besides I don't kiss and tell would probably make me drop it. Link to post Share on other sites
babycakees Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 If it is in the beginning of the relationship, I think it is a good idea not to discuss your past relationships. Nothing worse than when someone obsesses over their ex. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 Refusing to talk about it would be a much bigger red flag than not having any past Rs (which is a pink flag at worst). Obviously it isn't first date material, and I don't need to go into the gory details, but if a guy I've been in a R with for months refused to say a single word about his previous relationships or lack thereof, I would be very, very suspicious. IMO when you truly share an emotional bond with someone, you open up to them about yourself instead of keeping them behind a ten-foot wall. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ninjainpajamas Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 It's a huge red-flag anyway you slice it...cut him off. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 It's a huge red-flag anyway you slice it...cut him off. If they aren't at a point where that's really appropriate, no big deal. If they are, that's another story. On top of that though, is it is ok to discuss them, but not in too much detail when it first happens. In addition, it's what they say about those relationships that becomes important. If they bash those partners, call them bitches or crazy or whatever, then that's the first flag. Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 OP, I guess you're talking about yourself, right, and the idea is that you don't want to talk about "past relationships" on a date because you're embarrassed that you don't have any. As you can see from the responses here, though, just clamming up and refusing to talk about it is a red flag to many women. Not a good strategy. I think donnivain gave a good option for you - in the early days of dating you can just say "oh, I haven't really done much dating, been focused on my career" - or something like that - and leave it at that, but at some point yeah, you will need to open up more. But saying absolutely nothing or "I don't want to talk about that" is a no-go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 hahaha, if a guy refuses to talk about it, at least it's clear. i got the usual "yeah, we were dating for a long time and became more like room mates who'd occasionally have sex, rather then bf and gf... so we mutually decided to stop seeing eachother". i got that lie a couple of times. A guy who refuses to talk about his past, who refuses to share the extent of his emotional grief (if he had it) is a person who didn't deal with it. I'd say... if you try to have a few conversations and he sneaks out... don't leave, run ! emotional scars or biiiig skeletons in his closet. Absolutely do NOT drop it 1 Link to post Share on other sites
wb1988 Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 You girls are so paranoid. If a guy refuses to talk about; maybe it was a bad experience (especially a bad ending), doesn't want you to get jealous or wants to just focus on you and brining the ex up makes it difficult. I'd be more concerned why it is that you want to know about the ex so badly. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 You girls are so paranoid. If a guy refuses to talk about; maybe it was a bad experience (especially a bad ending), doesn't want you to get jealous or wants to just focus on you and brining the ex up makes it difficult. I'd be more concerned why it is that you want to know about the ex so badly. so he's just hanging around for nice company, a bit of fun and sex? Go get a beer with your mates if you want a great time and see a sex friend if you want to fck. RS are based on opening up and allowing the other person to see whom we are. The experiences that we've lived - good, bad, lying, being lied to, leaving, being left, etc - make out whom we are. It's as if you might ask a person to fall inlove with you, but you refuse to show them how you really are... so... how is that supposed to happen, actually? of course, there's a time and place for everything. there is tact and good moments. Hiding means that you've already judged yourself and you ain't too proud of your past... certainly not enough to share it with a girl you want to impress... well, that stinky past and those hurtful experiences are part of yourself anyway. Can't run away from yourself. And you'd better start loving and accepting yourself, if you want someone else to do it as well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 You girls are so paranoid. If a guy refuses to talk about; maybe it was a bad experience (especially a bad ending), doesn't want you to get jealous or wants to just focus on you and brining the ex up makes it difficult. I'd be more concerned why it is that you want to know about the ex so badly. I'd think that it's waaaay more 'paranoid' to clam up about your past due to fear of being judged for it, than it is to desire a partner who is capable of opening up about himself and his past to you. Like I said, there isn't any need to rehash details, and I'm not sure how "Yeah, I've had x previous Rs" would make any sane woman jealous, or make it difficult for him to focus on her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 (edited) So candie, you honestly think a girl wouldn't be put off by a guy discussing all the problems he had in a previous relationship on a date? This seems to go against all the advice I've read about not bad mouthing exes and sounding bitter. To me it would be pretty off putting Recently on a date I just mentioned my ex as it pertained to what we were talking about (kids) and I got "oh you sound like you are not over her" I am, and I was not saying anything mean in the slightest. Edited July 13, 2015 by joseb Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 So candie, you honestly think a girl wouldn't be put off by a guy discussing all the problems he had in a previous relationship on a date? This seems to go against all the advice I've read about not bad mouthing exes and sounding bitter. To me it would be pretty off putting Recently on a date I just mentioned my ex as it pertained to what we were talking about (kids) and I got "oh you sound like you are not over her" I am, and I was not saying anything mean in the slightest. I just mentioned my ex as it pertained to what we were talking about (kids) Yep. That is classic "over filtering". People have pasts. If they dwell on them or bash their exes, that's a problem, but mentioning in the context of a casual conversation doesn't say anything about the person. They just had a past relationship Period. So what. Link to post Share on other sites
candie13 Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 So candie, you honestly think a girl wouldn't be put off by a guy discussing all the problems he had in a previous relationship on a date? I actually think that that is a must, but later, if you want to really connect with a person. You are the sum of your experiences and I know no one on the surface of this planet who had only good experiences. Or only bad ones. It's what makes us whom we are. Not responsible for all the wakoes we dated, but interacting with them did change us. This seems to go against all the advice I've read about not bad mouthing exes and sounding bitter. To me it would be pretty off putting well, it sure is, if you start to speak about it during the first three dates, hahaha! Like for most things in life, timing is everything. I think that conversation should take place after you've decided that you mutually like eachother and would like to see eachother much more. Maybe even after becoming exclusive - or at least after having had sex quite a few times and decided it's good enough to give that chick a go... solid ground. I mean, at some point, you need to know, no? I know that personally, I want to know. Who broke her heart? Who made her suffer the most? What are her deepest fears? What are her dealbreakers? We're not all about sunshine and merry, these fantastically sophisticated, successful, attractive and sexual creatures who keep it all together at all times. To build an emotional connection, IMHO, one needs to open up and allow himself to be vulnerable to their partner. To some people, that happens after the first month. To others, after the 3rd month. To other after the 6th months. To others it simply never happens because they don't feel comfortable sharing those private experiences. And it's ok. Those things, those details should be asked. They should come... naturally. teenagers used to refer to this as "the talk" - night spent just talking, sharing and holding hands and after which you're much closer . Boy, i miss being a teenager, so much easier, back then, haha! Recently on a date I just mentioned my ex as it pertained to what we were talking about (kids) and I got "oh you sound like you are not over her" well... up to you to not overshare either. As i've said before, there is a proper time and place for everything. The way I do it, during the first few dates, I have a few phrases ready that describe my last RSs. I give facts, rather than feelings. That helps not coming across as "bitter". I also make sure to ask how my partner feels about important subjects such as politics, religion, children, marriage, spirituality, sports, social life. Not that I want to know eveything in detail, but I want to know of those topics. MAybe I'm just overly curious . To resume: as long as you try to get to know the person in front of you and feed her relevant information (not unnecessary) about you and your past, you're being fair. I absolutely do NOT recommend dumping all your life story to a new person early on or using her as your sounding board. Use a friend, for that . I am, and I was not saying anything mean in the slightest. That woman sounds judgmental and most probably has issues with her past, herself. It's actually a good trick to remember - people project a lot. Someone making weird observations about a certain topic has issues with it, herself. Behind every large fear, lies a large desire . Apologies if I sound rude, but that date of yours seemed not only emotionally closed but also quite daft . People like that exclude themselves out. Basically, it's not you, it's her ! Link to post Share on other sites
phineas Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 (edited) Maybe because he's never had any? I think it's a red flag when a woman insists on hearing about women I consider in the past. I mean seriously, when a woman start drilling me for past GF info it ALWAYS turns out she's as insecure a fuark & has pegged me as a guy who will cheat on her with an ex because she usually dates scumbags who cheat on her with ex's. LOL. most women I date really just want to hear about the freaky stuff I did with past women and where. same with me. I honestly don't care about their past. Its the past. Edited July 14, 2015 by phineas Link to post Share on other sites
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 I have sometimes wondered if it is worth doing this, lie about past experience or avoid talking about Ex's altogether since I don't have any ex's Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Just curious, have you poured your heart out to him about every boyfriend you have had? Everyone is different on this. There are threads on here about people not being able to get over their partners past, too many sex partners, or bad behavior. That is all opinion different for you than any other person. If you become "exclusive" and serious these details may be more important for one reason or another, but you should not expect more information from him than you have revealed yourself about your past, and revealed truthfully and not sugar coated. Get to know each other real well before delving in to the inner sanctum of each others past. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
casey.lives Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 well when someone ask me; im going to say that he missed his true love, his former girlfriend and went back to where he felt needed and deeply desired. i didn't have qualms about it because he didn't seem present, anyways. i wished him best of luck and a life full of happiness. and it's done. that's that. Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 I'd think that it's waaaay more 'paranoid' to clam up about your past due to fear of being judged for it, than it is to desire a partner who is capable of opening up about himself and his past to you. Like I said, there isn't any need to rehash details, and I'm not sure how "Yeah, I've had x previous Rs" would make any sane woman jealous, or make it difficult for him to focus on her. I agree clamming up is gong to be seen as red flag by quite a lot of women or guys in the opposite scenario. I dont think though, that saying 'I've had my share of fun' or 'just haven't found the right girl yet' or 'Ive been busy on my career' is a whole lot better. Quite a few people who have been dating for a while or swap date stories with their friends or are the judgmental type or suspicious of guys after dating too many bull****ters, will be cynical with those sorts of vague cliche type wraps of their past life. I think the OP is worried because he doesn't have much of a past. Most people on here think low number guys can just skip all the stress by just refusing to talk about their number but its much harder for them to duck the other 'getting to know you' questions about exs. He can try it and see how it goes. Link to post Share on other sites
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 the guy should lie since most women it seems are turned off by inexperienced guys, especially if past by a certain age Link to post Share on other sites
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