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Dating for the first time in YEARS...Having a hard time finding people with substance


Dating Dating, courting, or going steady? Things not working out the way you had hoped? Stand up on your soap box and let us know what's going on!

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Old 12th July 2015, 1:15 AM   #1
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Red face Dating for the first time in YEARS...Having a hard time finding people with substance

Looking for some outside perspective and some advice to deal with this. Here's a little backstory to paint a picture of where I'm at:

Well over a year ago I decided to end a serious but toxic 4 year relationship with my ex girlfriend and moved to another city (Boston) for a new job (not the cause of the breakup). Feeling unhealthy and depressed in a new city, I knew I needed some time to get myself together. So since then I've doing things again that I used to enjoy, travelled, received a promotion at a job I love, continuing to discover new interests, and even got into the best shaped of my life (close to getting a 6-ish pack). I now feel emotionally ready and lonely enough to begin dating and find someone to have a relationship with.

Now for the pathetic part. I can't seem to strike an interest with anybody. I have not been able to get a second date. I consider myself a good looking and charismatic guy. I usually don't find too difficult to strike up a conversation with someone or even have a girl approach me. It seems like most of the women I engage with are only looking to hook up, or have really big egos because of their "super awesome important" job and 5 college degrees in psychology.

I know most will probably read this and say, "Dude, you're in your late 20's. Quit whining that women you seek only want to sleep with you and nothing else." While most guys think this is awesome. I don't. I really want to date and connect with someone and call me crazy, feel loved.

Has anyone else had similar issues dating? Anyone overcome these similar issues and so how did you do it? Any advice for how to detect and filter out hos and women inlove with themselves?
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Old 12th July 2015, 1:57 AM   #2
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It's impossible to know whether you just haven't met the right girl yet (most likely) or that you are doing something fundamentally wrong on your dates.
If the latter, we'll need the a video of you on your date with two camera angles to see...no matter what you tell us you did, or didn't do, it's kinda hard to answer
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Old 12th July 2015, 5:44 AM   #3
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Well, it's hard for us to tell. It could be the types of girls you are asking out, or your behaviour on dates, or fact that you are asking out random girls / girls you've only just met, perhaps.

You said you're trying to make time for new interests and hobbies, that's great. Why don't you try just getting to know the girls (and guys, who will know girls) who you meet through these, as friends - eventually you will come across someone you both want to date, and find interesting.
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Old 12th July 2015, 7:31 AM   #4
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Change where you meet or try to meet these people.
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Old 12th July 2015, 9:45 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by deyturkerjerbs View Post
I know most will probably read this and say, "Dude, you're in your late 20's. Quit whining that women you seek only want to sleep with you and nothing else." While most guys think this is awesome. I don't. I really want to date and connect with someone and call me crazy, feel loved.

Has anyone else had similar issues dating? Anyone overcome these similar issues and so how did you do it? Any advice for how to detect and filter out hos and women inlove with themselves?
It's the same with me, I want to meet a great girl and have my next relationship hopefully be my last. Anything else, assuming you don't get children out of it, seems like a waste of time. Like this past few months I've been seeing a girl, spending lots of money dating her, doing fun things, and then she dumped me by text. So I'm back at square one, except with less money.

You say you don't want to meet 'hos' or narcissists. Well I guess the advice here would be to gauge a woman's personality before you take the plunge and ask her out. So getting to know women as friends first, through shared mutual interests would be your best bet.
Avoid going to places where such ladies are likely to be in greater number, like nightclubs. Sure, some nice girls go clubbing, but it's also where people predominantly go to hookup, so you would expect to find a lot of 'hos' there.

I love your username by the way, it made me laugh. Derka der!
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Old 12th July 2015, 1:33 PM   #6
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There is a saying - you are who you attract.

You want to meet a woman with substance, then YOU be a man with substance, you present yourself as a man with substance, and you don't settle for less.

When you meet these chicks, you lead the conversation towards topics that have some substance.....stay away from superficial and frivolous topics..

In short, listen to what they say, and if it seems superficial and shallow to you, probe deeper.

Not in an instrusive way...but in a curious way. As a way to get to know them...on a deeper level ..... rather than just the typical mundane crap people talk about.

If they have any substance to them at all.....trust me they will love your openness and willingness to get to know them on a deeper level.

Personally speaking, I have met men who others would have considered shallow, but because of MY openness and ability to delve deeper into topics of discussion, I have found that these same men who others found so shallow actually had quite a bit of substance! For me, this all comes quite naturally because it's who *I* am.

On the other hand, if they still continue to respond with meaningless drivel, then politely excuse yourself..... and move on to someone else you find attractive.

Last edited by katiegrl; 12th July 2015 at 1:38 PM..
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Old 12th July 2015, 2:17 PM   #7
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Sometimes you have to play the cards you are dealt, you can't throw them back into the deck and ask for a new hand.

IMO if you experience the things you do for a reason, maybe in all actuality...you are NOT ready for a new relationship. Instead of going against the tide and being stubborn, believing that you're only going to find or get what you want by insisting upon it and turning down all other situations that seem to be anything what you're looking for...I'd suggest getting yourself acquainted again with the dating world and with women...because if these women aren't interested in second dates, chances are the "quality women" you are looking for might not be all that excited themselves.

Women in general are attracted to desirable men, it's not necessarily a situation where a certain segment of women are not interested in you because they are low-quality or different minded and yet the other will because they are of similar mind...if you are doing what you think you are doing right in terms of your interactions with women, then women in general will be attracted to you and definitely be interested in a second date. Because even the women not necessarily looking for something serious won't necessary throw it all away just because that's her mind, she'll recognize a good catch when she sees one and she'll shift/change her attitude towards him.

So for me this definitely a broad thing, not an isolated instance or instances.

I think you are more attracting and dating those type of women because they are having the impression that this is what you are looking for or are interested in. Your attitude, behavior or demeanor might play a role in who's eye you are catching..maybe you're playing the superficial cards too much, maybe you're coming off too light-hearted and not showing a strong interest...at any rate, you should be able to filter and tell which women you are interested in, thereby not dating these women.

Women in-love with themselves will come at you with a laundry list of expectations and putting themselves on a pedestal.

Women who are "hoes" will just be very straight-forward and pretty direct, not leaving much to the imagination or what their interest is, and you just simply reject them.

IF you really want to date someone serious, you should be able to tell which woman is which without getting in too deep...but IMO i think you need more time being single and just dating, because even if you found the "perfect girl" you might less prepared and screw it up more now than you realize.

At the end of the day you choose from the "options" what to date...and it seems like you definitely need some experience and awareness if you're having trouble filtering out your options...but at the end of the day options are just options, you don't need to date or do anything you don't want to at the end of the day, but I think you're avoiding certain situations more out of a insecurity rather than just a "finding the one" mentality, because I'm betting my money that past relationship took quite the toll on your self-esteem.
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