Arigold Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 So I dated this girl for about a month an a half and we went on 5 dates that we both really enjoyed and had a good time. We were also in touch via text daily during this time. During our dates I didn't try to kiss her or hold hands since I move kinda slowly and was trying to build something before all that. Well anyways after 5 dates she told she only sees me as a friend and does not want to date anymore but doesn't mind hanging out as friends. Was I wrong in not initiating physical contact and is that how I lost her? and do I have any chance at getting her back seeing as how i still like her. Link to post Share on other sites
Qboro90 Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 You can initiate contact whenever you feel comfortable but you also need to understand that after 5 dates the the girl probably wanted to see some kind of affection from you otherwise what's the point of dating you? Not saying to have sex with her but you gotta at least kiss the girl after the 2-3rd date otherwise exactly what happened to you will happen. At least for now you missed your opportunity with this girl. Re visit in 6mos perhaps but in the meantime givr her space 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Guitarisgood Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 So I dated this girl for about a month an a half and we went on 5 dates that we both really enjoyed and had a good time. We were also in touch via text daily during this time. During our dates I didn't try to kiss her or hold hands since I move kinda slowly and was trying to build something before all that. Well anyways after 5 dates she told she only sees me as a friend and does not want to date anymore but doesn't mind hanging out as friends. Was I wrong in not initiating physical contact and is that how I lost her? and do I have any chance at getting her back seeing as how i still like her. 1) Sh*t happens. Move on and learn from your mistake 2) Note: the bolded stuff -Texting daily is what friends do or those in serious significant LTR. -ALWAYS make your intentions clear from the get go. You only moved slow because you lacked the balls and reasoned it as such. Chin up. Plenty woman out there! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 You can initiate contact whenever you feel comfortable but you also need to understand that after 5 dates the the girl probably wanted to see some kind of affection from you otherwise what's the point of dating you? Not saying to have sex with her but you gotta at least kiss the girl after the 2-3rd date otherwise exactly what happened to you will happen. At least for now you missed your opportunity with this girl. Re visit in 6mos perhaps but in the meantime givr her space All of this. If I went out 5 times with a guy and he never made any type of move, I'd assume he was too shy or not interested in me in that way. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Your speed is your speed, but a lot of ppl will think five dates with no affection is a miss, yeah. If you're really committed to the slow idea, I'd make a point of telling the women you date up front what your pace is. Otherwise they may start to think you don't find them attractive, which makes us defensive and can lead to zoning you out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 So I dated this girl for about a month an a half and we went on 5 dates that we both really enjoyed and had a good time. We were also in touch via text daily during this time. During our dates I didn't try to kiss her or hold hands since I move kinda slowly and was trying to build something before all that. Well anyways after 5 dates she told she only sees me as a friend and does not want to date anymore but doesn't mind hanging out as friends. Was I wrong in not initiating physical contact and is that how I lost her? and do I have any chance at getting her back seeing as how i still like her. I had to reply because I LOVE your screen name. I don't think it would have hurt to be a little demonstrative - holding hands, kissing, touching her face or hair, etc. etc. Just something to show an attraction and build on what you were both experiencing. That didn't have to include sex or you pawing at her. But the lack of ANY romantic attention was clearly the culprit in getting you friend-zoned. Next time, don't be too careful about being a little affectionate. Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Hey, it happens. Maybe it has nothing to do with your actions. But, you really behaved as her friend, not a romantic interest, based on your description. You met less than once a week (instead of escalating the frequency), made no physical contact, and texted (instead of talking). I dated 2 guys that behaved the same way (3 dates with the first, 6 with the second)... And to be honest, I felt unwanted as a woman, so I didn't proceed with them. Having said that, if 1) they have communicated from the start why they want to move slow AND 2) I was strongly attracted to them, I would probably continue seeing them. Both 1) and 2) were not the case though. My advice: don't push it further with this girl, and don't hang out as friends if you still have romantic interest to her. It will be disrespectful to her opinion, and painful for both of you, not to mention VERY unlikely to achieve your desired outcome. If you want - see my tread below, in which I described similar situation that happened to me: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/512087-very-nice-guy-but-i-am-not-interested-all-romantically So I dated this girl for about a month an a half and we went on 5 dates that we both really enjoyed and had a good time. We were also in touch via text daily during this time. During our dates I didn't try to kiss her or hold hands since I move kinda slowly and was trying to build something before all that. Well anyways after 5 dates she told she only sees me as a friend and does not want to date anymore but doesn't mind hanging out as friends. Was I wrong in not initiating physical contact and is that how I lost her? and do I have any chance at getting her back seeing as how i still like her. Link to post Share on other sites
The Octopus Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 5 dates with no kiss? No wonder you're in the friend zone. Men show their interest by making a move. You made no move. So concluded you're not interested. Or she concluded at this pace she would get laid with you in 2018. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 5 dates with no kiss? No wonder you're in the friend zone. Men show their interest by making a move. You made no move. - Yes. Next time, kiss the girl early, within the first 3 dates - if you don't they will often loose interest. Chalk this one up as a learning experience. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
fitnessfan365 Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 I'm all for not rushing into sex. But not going for a kiss or any sort of physical contact at all in five dates is pretty damn slow man. In the future. you may want to do what Jen said, Let a woman know up front how slow you like to go, that you don't even go for a first kiss until you're sure there's a deeper connection, etc.. At least that way a woman won't write you off for not being interested/attracted. I mean it seems like common sense that you're interested when you keep asking her out on dates. But in my experience, women like to feel desired and sexy. So when a guy kisses her and shows his desire, it's what triggers it for her. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 (edited) Wow.... lest I remind you guys that on a previous thread created by a guy (ysalitis or was it Tuna) whose date did not feel comfortable kissing him on the first date (despite showing other signs she was interested) y'all or many of you deemed her to NOT be into him...and advised the OP to dump her....never call her again. Because if she "were" into him...she would have wanted to kiss him! Now, here we have a guy who after FIVE dates, did not wish to kiss the girl he was dating...and all you have to say is next time don't wait so long to kiss her otherwise she will consider you a friend? What about telling HIM....hey dude, face it, IF you were really into her, you would NEVER be able to wait five dates without kissing her..... so she was right to friendzone you...because that is exactly how you think of her -- as a friend...otherwise you would have wanted to kiss her! I mean, seriously....how can a man who is REALLY into a chick, REALLY attracted to her, possibly wait FIVE dates before kissing, or becoming even remotely physical with her.? That said, IF he IS really into her, and just did not feel comfortable kissing her yet....then y'all need to take back your comments on the other thread insisting the girl could NOT possibly be into him if she did not want to kiss him on the FIRST date. Nevermind FIVE dates. Because if the man can feel uncomfortable, SO can a woman ....without being accused of NOT being into him. Okay that was a bit of a rant/ramble...so apologies. But I needed to get this off my chest, cause as I was reading these posts, my blood was starting to boil! :) Edited July 9, 2015 by katiegrl 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Why don't we ask the guy? He's here. OP - would you like to kiss her? Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Why don't we ask the guy? He's here. OP - would you like to kiss her? He said in his original post he prefers to wait until there is a deeper connection between them before he kisses a woman. So why is it OKAY for him to want wait to build a deeper connection before he feels comfortable kissing....but NOT okay for a woman to want to wait....WITHOUT you accusing her of NOT being into the guy? Hell Gary, you and fitness fan both said you would not even take the girl out again if she did not kiss you on the first date. Total double standard Gary...can't you see that? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Wow.... lest I remind you guys that on a previous thread created by a guy (ysalitis or was it Tuna) whose date did not feel comfortable kissing him on the first date (despite showing other signs she was interested) y'all or many of you deemed her to NOT be into him...and advised the OP to dump her....never call her again. Because if she "were" into him...she would have wanted to kiss him! Now, here we have a guy who after FIVE dates, did not wish to kiss the girl he was dating...and all you have to say is next time don't wait so long to kiss her otherwise she will consider you a friend? What about telling HIM....hey dude, face it, IF you were really into her, you would NEVER be able to wait five dates without kissing her..... so she was right to friendzone you...because that is exactly how you think of her -- as a friend...otherwise you would have wanted to kiss her! I mean, seriously....how can a man who is REALLY into a chick, REALLY attracted to her, possibly wait FIVE dates before kissing, or becoming even remotely physical with her.? That said, IF he IS really into her, and just did not feel comfortable kissing her yet....then y'all need to take back your comments on the other thread insisting the girl could NOT possibly be into him if she did not want to kiss him on the FIRST date. Nevermind FIVE dates. Because if the man can feel uncomfortable, SO can a woman ....without being accused of NOT being into him. Okay that was a bit of a rant/ramble...so apologies. But I needed to get this off my chest, cause as I was reading these posts, my blood was starting to boil! :) I'm with ya Katie, but by way of explanation for the bolded, I suspect sth like social anxiety and/or inexperience, or maybe prohibitive religious beliefs. It happens. Link to post Share on other sites
fred123 Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Wow.... lest I remind you guys that on a previous thread created by a guy (ysalitis or was it Tuna) whose date did not feel comfortable kissing him on the first date (despite showing other signs she was interested) y'all or many of you deemed her to NOT be into him...and advised the OP to dump her....never call her again. Because if she "were" into him...she would have wanted to kiss him! Now, here we have a guy who after FIVE dates, did not wish to kiss the girl he was dating...and all you have to say is next time don't wait so long to kiss her otherwise she will consider you a friend? What about telling HIM....hey dude, face it, IF you were really into her, you would NEVER be able to wait five dates without kissing her..... so she was right to friendzone you...because that is exactly how you think of her -- as a friend...otherwise you would have wanted to kiss her! I mean, seriously....how can a man who is REALLY into a chick, REALLY attracted to her, possibly wait FIVE dates before kissing, or becoming even remotely physical with her.? That said, IF he IS really into her, and just did not feel comfortable kissing her yet....then y'all need to take back your comments on the other thread insisting the girl could NOT possibly be into him if she did not want to kiss him on the FIRST date. Nevermind FIVE dates. Because if the man can feel uncomfortable, SO can a woman ....without being accused of NOT being into him. Okay that was a bit of a rant/ramble...so apologies. But I needed to get this off my chest, cause as I was reading these posts, my blood was starting to boil! :) i like this girl. she has a point and I'm a guy. i like people who point out hypocrisy in threads and contradict each other regardless if its a guy or a girl. My favourite person on LS so far is Katie! haha there are so much conflicting advice given by the same people on different threads its unbelievable. its like different rules cos its a different situation is how they rationalise things. some threads are more sympathetic to the OP and others are not 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 (edited) Katie wrote: I mean, seriously....how can a man who is REALLY into a chick, REALLY attracted to her, possibly wait FIVE dates before kissing, or becoming even remotely physical with her.? I'm with ya Katie, but by way of explanation for the bolded, I suspect sth like social anxiety and/or inexperience, or maybe prohibitive religious beliefs. It happens. Hey Jen...that question was rhetorical...only made to make a point... he has every right to feel uncomfortable or want to wait for whatever reasons....as does the woman....without the guys here insisting she's not into him and never calling her again because of it. It's not right. Edited July 10, 2015 by katiegrl Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I'm with ya Katie, but by way of explanation for the bolded, I suspect sth like social anxiety and/or inexperience, or maybe prohibitive religious beliefs. It happens. :) - Exactly - it's a confusing world, some guys don't know what to do. Katie, I'm not sure what you are driving at.... I told the guy, if he wants the woman to stick around, he should kiss her within 3 dates.... what do you want from me, blood?! But Like Jen said, he's probably just chicken-****! Whoops, what did I say?! Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 (edited) - Exactly - it's a confusing world, some guys don't know what to do. Katie, I'm not sure what you are driving at.... I told the guy, if he wants the woman to stick around, he should kiss her within 3 dates.... what do you want from me, blood?! But Like Jen said, he's probably just chicken-****! Whoops, what did I say?! Right...and maybe a woman is just chicken shyt too...and THAT is why she doesn't want to kiss a guy on the first date. Has nothing to do with how into him she is...or not. I dunno Gary, as Fred said I guess I just don't like the hypocrisy on here sometimes. You advised the OP of this thread to kiss her within three dates...but yet you won't give a woman the same courtesy? By claiming she needs to kiss a guy on the FIRST date otherwise she is not into him .... and then advising the guy that he should NOT call her again? Really? Why not advise the OP to kiss a woman on the FIRST date (just like you tell women to do) ...otherwise said woman won't think he likes her, and may never want to go out with him again because of it. You don't have to answer I already know your position on this. Not a big deal really, just wanted to point that out. I've said my piece... and am over it... Edited July 10, 2015 by katiegrl Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I dated 2 guys that behaved the same way (3 dates with the first, 6 with the second)... And to be honest, I felt unwanted as a woman, so I didn't proceed with them. You felt they had no interest in you despite initiating contact,asking you out, then asking you out again and again and likely also paying for the activities. Really the vast majority of guys dont do that to find a new female friend. Some guys are slow movers or they are a bit shy and wait for solid IOIs back from the woman before they make a move. I'm sure on a number of dates the woman says the guy just seems like a like a friend because he has not got sexual with her, but the less bold guys could also maybe say the woman just seemed to go with the flow and showed no great enthusiasm and was not flirty so they wondered if she just hanging out with them for something to do until a guy she was into came along. Both need to put out the signals/actions on their feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Katie wrote: I mean, seriously....how can a man who is REALLY into a chick, REALLY attracted to her, possibly wait FIVE dates before kissing, or becoming even remotely physical with her.? Hey Jen...that question was rhetorical...only made to make a point... he has every right to feel uncomfortable or want to wait for whatever reasons....as does the woman....without the guys here insisting she's not into him and never calling her again because of it. It's not right. Gotcha hon, thx. Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyBug Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 It's really sad that people feel the need to insult a man who actually wants to develop a connection with a woman before making a move on her. I'd be THRILLED to find a guy like this! It's also sad that a woman can't take her time and learn more about the guy - I mean, she has more to lose, considering there are a decent number of abusive men out there - because it's more important to get her ego stroked. I do agree that you should be telling these ladies how slow you like to take it, and why. Any decent woman worth keeping will understand and appreciate this. Wow, I thought it kinda sucked to be a woman in the dating world, but being a man is apparently no picnic, either, at least if you're not a pig. You have my respect, OP. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Arigold Posted July 10, 2015 Author Share Posted July 10, 2015 Alright so to give a little more background info I met this girl online so I didn't want to rush the whole physical aspect thinking that she might think I'm just after that. I really did want to kiss her but I thought it'd be best to wait. I obviously wanted far too long and I was just waiting for the right moment after a couple dates which just never happened and so I guess i got too nervous to do it after that. I am pretty inexperienced. I do appreciate everyone's response I definitely did learn something out of this whole experience. Also what are your opinions on me trying to make things work with this girl after waiting a couple months? I could tell she was into me seeing as how we did go on five dates and she did enjoy them. We also clicked on my different levels but i just messed up on making the move to seal the deal. Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Also what are your opinions on me trying to make things work with this girl after waiting a couple months? I could tell she was into me seeing as how we did go on five dates and she did enjoy them. We also clicked on my different levels but i just messed up on making the move to seal the deal. Leave her alone. It may sound too strong but what you describe is similar to the arguments that a rapist will use, ie "she was giving me signs of interest", "if she went out with me xxx times, it means that she is interested". She told you that she is no romantically interested at you. Take it as face value. If she comes along one day, you can tell her what you said here (you wanted to wait for a special moment etc), but don't actively wait for her... There are other people that will like you as you are. How old are you? Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyBug Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Why is it always on the man to show interest? If she wanted it that bad, she can initiate! Link to post Share on other sites
Lansing Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 I can relate to OP. I have had situations where I have let things progress really slowly. Sometimes, it is out of not knowing what to do. Other times I wasn't sure if the girl was interested or not and I didn't want to "impose" on her. The key is to escalate things though. Slowly start by touching her arm when walking through a crowd or some other kind of touching. Easy to give a hug at the end of the night. And, then maybe give a slightly longer hug if you aren't sure if she is up for the kiss just yet. Sometimes, it is worth just going for the kiss. Thing is, maybe she would have rejected the kiss but then she might have been more upfront about a lack of interest after date 3. Maybe she was giving you a chance to prove yourself. Overall, with this girl, just move on but in the future, physical connection is important even after 2 or 3 dates... Link to post Share on other sites
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