Perfect future boyfriend material or is he slightly obsessed with me?

[Boooberry123]

This guy I met a month ago keeps texting me every day, several times a day asking how I am. He texts me 'good morning' and 'good night' and several times in between.

 

He offers to have dinner with me if I am alone, he has even planned out holidays with me on such and such weekend abroad. He asks me out for dinner on weekdays and weekends.

 

He offered to talk to my relative who was going through a difficult patch.

 

His conversations are super detailed and even though I text back very short answers his are always paragraphs and many texts all together. If I don't text back he will still text me.

 

He gushes to his friends about how much he likes me and they tell him not to be so silly.

 

He will text me saying I have beautiful eyes and a beautiful smile and I'm very photogenic etc. He says I'm such a lovely and warm person and very sweet.

 

He will ask me a lot of questions about myself, and also ask what I'm doing, what I'm going to eat for dinner and about my family. He will also talk about himself too.

 

I went out with him for dinner once because it was before an event we were both going to and I thought it would be fast food and casual, but he booked a fancy expensive restaurant. He also asks me to hang out with him at the weekends, which I leave hanging. He offers to teach me things.

 

He tries to be super helpful as well, so if I just mention 'oh my internet is lagging' he will say 'do you need me to come and sort it out?' even though my internet is perfectly okay. He will also ask me if I am sick, just because I said I'm feeling tired (just to leave the conversation with him and then I block him).

 

I declined his offer to go to the cinema and told him to take someone else. He has even seen me go to the cinema with another guy. I even told him I am seeing someone.

 

He won't give up texting me. He broke up with his gf of 4 years in 2009 and has been single since.

 

He is actually starting to annoy me even though he is a lovely person. He is probably one of the nicest people I know, but I am not attracted to him at all. He is really not my type plus I do have someone I am seeing. The guy I am seeing is this guy's acquaintance. His persistent texting is actually showing up the guy I'm seeing's texting habits!! It's making me think my guy is not as caring.

 

Would you see this guy's persistance and adoration something that would signal that he would make the perfect boyfriend and husband or just plain annoying? I cant just say to him to stop texting me, because we are in the same social circle and he is a nice person who I would like to be the friend of. I am 29 and he is 30. thanks!

Edited July 7, 2015 by Boooberry123

[Redhead14]

This guy I met a month ago keeps texting me every day, several times a day asking how I am. He texts me 'good morning' and 'good night' and several times in between.

 

He offers to have dinner with me if I am alone, he has even planned out holidays with me on such and such weekend abroad. He asks me out for dinner on weekdays and weekends.

 

He offered to talk to my relative who was going through a difficult patch.

 

His conversations are super detailed and even though I text back very short answers his are always paragraphs and many texts all together. If I don't text back he will still text me.

 

He gushes to his friends about how much he likes me and they tell him not to be so silly.

 

He will text me saying I have beautiful eyes and a beautiful smile and I'm very photogenic etc. He says I'm such a lovely and warm person and very sweet.

 

He will ask me a lot of questions about myself, and also ask what I'm doing, what I'm going to eat for dinner and about my family. He will also talk about himself too.

 

I went out with him for dinner once because it was before an event we were both going to and I thought it would be fast food and casual, but he booked a fancy expensive restaurant. He also asks me to hang out with him at the weekends, which I leave hanging. He offers to teach me things.

 

He tries to be super helpful as well, so if I just mention 'oh my internet is lagging' he will say 'do you need me to come and sort it out?' even though my internet is perfectly okay. He will also ask me if I am sick, just because I said I'm feeling tired (just to leave the conversation with him and then I block him).

 

I declined his offer to go to the cinema and told him to take someone else. He has even seen me go to the cinema with another guy. I even told him I am seeing someone.

 

He won't give up texting me. He broke up with his gf of 4 years in 2009 and has been single since.

 

He is actually starting to annoy me even though he is a lovely person. He is probably one of the nicest people I know, but I am not attracted to him at all. He is really not my type plus I do have someone I am seeing. The guy I am seeing is this guy's acquaintance. His persistent texting is actually showing up the guy I'm seeing's texting habits!! It's making me think my guy is not as caring.

 

Would you see this guy's persistance and adoration something that would signal that he would make the perfect boyfriend and husband or just plain annoying? I cant just say to him to stop texting me, because we are in the same social circle and he is a nice person who I would like to be the friend of. I am 29 and he is 30. thanks!

 

but I am not attracted to him at all. He is really not my type plus I do have someone I am seeing -- Don't string him along. Be polite and direct. And, yes, you can tell him to stop texting you. Who care if you're in the same social circle. This is you. You're not sounding like you're 29.

 

Would you see this guy's persistance and adoration something that would signal that he would make the perfect boyfriend and husband or just plain annoying?-- It doesn't matter whether or not he would be a perfect anything -- " I am not attracted to him at all. He is really not my type plus I do have someone I am seeing. . ."

Are you exclusive with the current guy? You shouldn't even be entertaining this scenario, unless you've decided to end it with him and not until you do. This is the kind of thing that sets people up to become a cheater . . .

[Boooberry123]

but I am not attracted to him at all. He is really not my type plus I do have someone I am seeing -- Don't string him along. Be polite and direct. And, yes, you can tell him to stop texting you. Who care if you're in the same social circle. This is you. You're not sounding like you're 29.

 

Would you see this guy's persistance and adoration something that would signal that he would make the perfect boyfriend and husband or just plain annoying?-- It doesn't matter whether or not he would be a perfect anything -- " I am not attracted to him at all. He is really not my type plus I do have someone I am seeing. . ."

Are you exclusive with the current guy? You shouldn't even be entertaining this scenario, unless you've decided to end it with him and not until you do. This is the kind of thing that sets people up to become a cheater . . .

 

I am not entertaining the thought of seeing this guy because I am super duper not attracted to him. But the guy i AM seeing doesn't put in as much effort. The guy I'm seeing we have been on 6 dates so far and nothing physical has happened beyond kissing and holding hands. We havent said if we are exclusive but we are not dating anyone else.

 

I was just thinking whether I am missing something, is this how it's supposed to be? Like this sort of behaviour is what you would expect 'the one' to behave, because it's casting doubts on the guy I'm seeing since he isnt putting as much effort into our relationship. Is this behaviour sweet or is it clingy?

 

I'm trying not to lead him on, I told him to go watch the movie with his mum, I told him Im seeing someone, and I havent flirted with him at all. he also hasnt said anything about liking me, but clearly with all the texting he does and the fact he tells his friends (which I pretend I know nothing about). He even dreams about me!!

[Satu]

Underneath the niceness is a lake of desperation.

 

He's a bit unhinged.

[DaisyBug]

I was creeped out just 2 paragraphs in, let alone the rest of your post!!

 

 

My, oh my, NEVER EVER assume someone is a "lovely person" because they are being "so nice," especially someone that is THIS obsessed & persistent. What comes to mind for me is "potential abuser." Imagine the suffocation if you were with him, and trying to get AWAY from him once you were!!

 

 

Trust. Me.

[Redhead14]

I am not entertaining the thought of seeing this guy because I am super duper not attracted to him. But the guy i AM seeing doesn't put in as much effort. The guy I'm seeing we have been on 6 dates so far and nothing physical has happened beyond kissing and holding hands. We havent said if we are exclusive but we are not dating anyone else.

 

I was just thinking whether I am missing something, is this how it's supposed to be? Like this sort of behaviour is what you would expect 'the one' to behave, because it's casting doubts on the guy I'm seeing since he isnt putting as much effort into our relationship. Is this behaviour sweet or is it clingy?

 

I'm trying not to lead him on, I told him to go watch the movie with his mum, I told him Im seeing someone, and I havent flirted with him at all. he also hasnt said anything about liking me, but clearly with all the texting he does and the fact he tells his friends (which I pretend I know nothing about). He even dreams about me!!

 

Well, he is a over the top, I'd say, but, yes it should be little more like this.

 

If the current guy isn't meeting your dating needs -- i.e. consistent, quality communication, consistently seeing you, etc., you need to move on. If he isn't putting in enough effort for your needs to be at least a little secure about what his interest level is, then move on and find someone who pursues you "more" clearly, let's say.

 

Have you and the current guy had any conversations about what it is you are each looking for out of your dating experiences? Are you both dating for a relationship at least? If you're not on that page to start with, it's a waste of time.

 

If this guy wants a casual relationship, he's not going to be pulling out all the stops. He's gonna be lackluster about pursuing you. What is his dating pattern with you?

[Boooberry123]

Well, he is a over the top, I'd say, but, yes it should be little more like this.

 

If the current guy isn't meeting your dating needs -- i.e. consistent, quality communication, consistently seeing you, etc., you need to move on. If he isn't putting in enough effort for your needs to be at least a little secure about what his interest level is, then move on and find someone who pursues you "more" clearly, let's say.

 

Have you and the current guy had any conversations about what it is you are each looking for out of your dating experiences? Are you both dating for a relationship at least? If you're not on that page to start with, it's a waste of time.

 

If this guy wants a casual relationship, he's not going to be pulling out all the stops. He's gonna be lackluster about pursuing you. What is his dating pattern with you?

 

My current guy texts me every day too, but not every minute continuously like this one does. My current guy makes an effort to see me every weekend, and we hang out for hours together. He pays for dinner and then I pay and so on. He tells me he misses me and how he looks forward to seeing me again. He will share things that happened in his day and ask me about mine. He also gives the best hugs and kisses. But the things the other guy shows him up on is: he doesnt offer to teach me things at the weekend, he doesnt plan future holidays for us, he doesn't offer to talk to my relatives, he doesnt say he will come down and have dinner with me if I have no one to eat with and he doesn't say I'm beautiful, or I have lovely eyes or smile.

 

My current guy wants a relationship to find someone to marry and to settle down with so he is definitely not a player. He also took a couple of months to really get to know me before he kissed me.

 

But in the clinginess regard, I definitely don't see my guy evolving into the same level as the other guy. I can't foresee my guy adoring and worshipping me on the same level.

[Satu]

It doesn't seem that either of these men are really right for you.

[Redhead14]

My current guy texts me every day too, but not every minute continuously like this one does. My current guy makes an effort to see me every weekend, and we hang out for hours together. He pays for dinner and then I pay and so on. He tells me he misses me and how he looks forward to seeing me again. He will share things that happened in his day and ask me about mine. He also gives the best hugs and kisses. But the things the other guy shows him up on is: he doesnt offer to teach me things at the weekend, he doesnt plan future holidays for us, he doesn't offer to talk to my relatives, he doesnt say he will come down and have dinner with me if I have no one to eat with and he doesn't say I'm beautiful, or I have lovely eyes or smile.

 

My current guy wants a relationship to find someone to marry and to settle down with so he is definitely not a player. He also took a couple of months to really get to know me before he kissed me.

 

But in the clinginess regard, I definitely don't see my guy evolving into the same level as the other guy. I can't foresee my guy adoring and worshipping me on the same level.

 

How long have you been seeing him? The current guy is "doing it" right enough really if it's early in the relationship. Adoring and clingy are two different things. The other guy would likely be smothering you. Adoring would be comfortable "space". Worship you? You don't want a guy to put you on a pedestal above him, you want to be equal and balanced in the relationship. Worshipping a woman is kind of the "fairy tale" for a woman. It's not realistic or really healthy for a relationship when a man does that. You want him to want to do everything he can to meet your needs and view you as high value not worship you like an untouchable, tangible "idol".

 

He took some time to kiss you, he's going to be a little "slower" with other things too perhaps.

[Boooberry123]

How long have you been seeing him? The current guy is "doing it" right enough really if it's early in the relationship. Adoring and clingy are two different things. The other guy would likely be smothering you. Adoring would be comfortable "space". Worship you? You don't want a guy to put you on a pedestal above him, you want to be equal and balanced in the relationship. Worshipping a woman is kind of the "fairy tale" for a woman. It's not realistic or really healthy for a relationship when a man does that. You want him to want to do everything he can to meet your needs and view you as high value not worship you like an untouchable, tangible "idol".

 

He took some time to kiss you, he's going to be a little "slower" with other things too perhaps.

 

I have been seeing him for two weeks so far, but known him in total 2 months.

[DaisyBug]

I have been seeing him for two weeks so far, but known him in total 2 months.

 

 

Give him credit for going at a pace he feels comfortable with and not with what his buddies or society expects of him. He may be someone who just likes to KNOW a person before he gets intimate, which apparently a foreign concept in today's dating world, but is often the best route to a longer, more secure marriage (if you plan on heading that direction). He may not feel he really "knows" you yet, in the deeper sense. Would you want a guy that hits everything he sees?

 

 

Your current guy sounds a lot more mature and sensible than Panting Dog. Just focus on getting to know him and don't worry about getting too close just yet. Once you guys do, it'll be much more rewarding and special, I'm willing to bet.

[Redhead14]

I have been seeing him for two weeks so far, but known him in total 2 months.

 

Yeah, you're kinda expecting a little too much at this point. Sit back and continue to observe. You're ahead of him already in terms of "investment". Give it a little time. Don't rush it.

 

You're looking for "future talk" and that's OK, but if/when he does, it should be short term things -- a concert in a month, a picnic two weeks out, etc. If he starts talking about marrying you -- um, uh, well . . . no

[d0nnivain]

This guy sounds like a clingy needy hot mess with low self esteem and no boundaries but you aren't exactly helping the situation. You are giving him false hope. Sit him down & tell him in no uncertain terms to stop texting you & panting after you because you are not interested in dating him. You have to be clear. At this point in his mind I bet he thinks you are in a relationship.

[Versacehottie]

I am not entertaining the thought of seeing this guy because I am super duper not attracted to him. But the guy i AM seeing doesn't put in as much effort. The guy I'm seeing we have been on 6 dates so far and nothing physical has happened beyond kissing and holding hands. We havent said if we are exclusive but we are not dating anyone else.

 

I was just thinking whether I am missing something, is this how it's supposed to be? Like this sort of behaviour is what you would expect 'the one' to behave, because it's casting doubts on the guy I'm seeing since he isnt putting as much effort into our relationship. Is this behaviour sweet or is it clingy?

 

I'm trying not to lead him on, I told him to go watch the movie with his mum, I told him Im seeing someone, and I havent flirted with him at all. he also hasnt said anything about liking me, but clearly with all the texting he does and the fact he tells his friends (which I pretend I know nothing about). He even dreams about me!!

 

First of you need to be direct but polite and firm to tell this guy you're not interested in him like that and dating someone. Make sure you don't indicate there's a chance if you weren't dating someone--only basically that it's not appropriate for him to keep sending so many texts etc. Something you are doing must be leading him on or he's a stalker. Since he didn't sound stalker-ish in your description, I'm going with you are leading him on by letting him in too much. Handle this now. It's the right thing to do, especially if you have mutual friends and this guy has done nothing wrong but like you and your feelings are unreturned.

 

As for the guy you are dating: it's funny how attention from a guy you don't want to date but is putting in real effort can point out how much your real guy is falling short in the effort department. Here's a tip. Do what you are doing with the guy you don't like. You pull back, of course, since you don't have the same feelings AND that guy ups the effort. See if that action works with guy you are dating. Pull back because his effort isn't sufficient and see what he does. It works most of the time. good luck

[Versacehottie]

My current guy texts me every day too, but not every minute continuously like this one does. My current guy makes an effort to see me every weekend, and we hang out for hours together. He pays for dinner and then I pay and so on. He tells me he misses me and how he looks forward to seeing me again. He will share things that happened in his day and ask me about mine. He also gives the best hugs and kisses. But the things the other guy shows him up on is: he doesnt offer to teach me things at the weekend, he doesnt plan future holidays for us, he doesn't offer to talk to my relatives, he doesnt say he will come down and have dinner with me if I have no one to eat with and he doesn't say I'm beautiful, or I have lovely eyes or smile.

 

My current guy wants a relationship to find someone to marry and to settle down with so he is definitely not a player. He also took a couple of months to really get to know me before he kissed me.

 

But in the clinginess regard, I definitely don't see my guy evolving into the same level as the other guy. I can't foresee my guy adoring and worshipping me on the same level.

 

oops how did i miss this and the post about how long you have been dating your real guy!!! Your real guy, his actions are normal and appropriate for a 2 week/2 month timeframe. You are expecting too much, too soon--colored by how over-the-top the clingy guy is. No need to pull back with the guy you are dating. Get your expectations right and stop trying to rush things or live in a fantasy land. Sorry I don't mean this as a put down but you don't seem 29. Take a more measured, mature approach--like your bf!

[Boooberry123]

oops how did i miss this and the post about how long you have been dating your real guy!!! Your real guy, his actions are normal and appropriate for a 2 week/2 month timeframe. You are expecting too much, too soon--colored by how over-the-top the clingy guy is. No need to pull back with the guy you are dating. Get your expectations right and stop trying to rush things or live in a fantasy land. Sorry I don't mean this as a put down but you don't seem 29. Take a more measured, mature approach--like your bf!

 

Yeah people often mistake me for 21 or 22. I haven't dated before so lack experience. I stuck to my first boyfriend for 7 years and broke up last year. This is my first forage into the dating world!!!

 

It's funny cos both the guys are acquaintances with each other, the clingy guy was gushing on the group chat about me and pretty much after he made his interest in me known, my guy upped his game and kissed me and asked me out the next day for a proper romantic dinner and outing. Before that although he liked me he would be shy in showing it. The clingy guy is still gushing about me on the group chat. I have tried the withdrawing thing with my guy and he would still initiate all the contact.

[Popsicle]

Well if you're not attracted to him and have a boyfriend then don't let this go on. You have to tell him that you're not interested and that he should move on. Do not ignore him. It's not fair to him.

[katiegrl]

I am not entertaining the thought of seeing this guy because I am super duper not attracted to him. But the guy i AM seeing doesn't put in as much effort. The guy I'm seeing we have been on 6 dates so far and nothing physical has happened beyond kissing and holding hands. We havent said if we are exclusive but we are not dating anyone else.

 

I was just thinking whether I am missing something, is this how it's supposed to be? Like this sort of behaviour is what you would expect 'the one' to behave, because it's casting doubts on the guy I'm seeing since he isnt putting as much effort into our relationship. Is this behaviour sweet or is it clingy?

 

I'm trying not to lead him on, I told him to go watch the movie with his mum, I told him Im seeing someone, and I havent flirted with him at all. he also hasnt said anything about liking me, but clearly with all the texting he does and the fact he tells his friends (which I pretend I know nothing about). He even dreams about me!!

 

So you DON'T like *him* .....but you DO like the *attention* he gives you. So you will continue stringing him along, even though you KNOW you will never date him.

 

Do I have this right? Just wanted to confirm I wasn't misinterpreting anything.

Edited July 7, 2015 by katiegrl

[Boooberry123]

So you DON'T like *him* .....but you DO like the *attention* he gives you. So you will continue stringing him along, even though you KNOW you will never date him.

 

Do I have this right? Just wanted to confirm I wasn't misinterpreting anything.

 

No I don't like the attention he gives me, its annoying that he sends these lengthy texts all the time. However I am still polite to him because he is still my friend.

 

I'm trying not to string him along. I've turned down his dates, asked him to take his mum to the cinema instead (to which he said that's a great idea!!). I told him im seeing someone but he won't back down. One of our mutual friends says he doesn't give up easily. I was hoping he will get the hint and back down with his dignity intact and our friendship intact. I still have to see him at least once a week at our society.

[katiegrl]

No I don't like the attention he gives me, its annoying that he sends these lengthy texts all the time. However I am still polite to him because he is still my friend.

 

I'm trying not to string him along. I've turned down his dates, asked him to take his mum to the cinema instead (to which he said that's a great idea!!). I told him im seeing someone but he won't back down. One of our mutual friends says he doesn't give up easily. I was hoping he will get the hint and back down with his dignity intact and our friendship intact. I still have to see him at least once a week at our society.

 

Well...the only fair and honest thing to do then is be DIRECT with him....even if that means a little harsh.

 

Because even though you don't mean to, you *are* leading him on and stringing him along. And it's not nice and it's not fair.

 

And no his behavior is not how guys are supposed to act in a relationship. It's obsessive, and smothering. And indicates a controlling and manipulative personality.

 

And although you may look 21 or 22...at 29, you really should be cognizant of these things.

[d0nnivain]

No I don't like the attention he gives me, its annoying that he sends these lengthy texts all the time. However I am still polite to him because he is still my friend.

 

I'm trying not to string him along. I've turned down his dates, asked him to take his mum to the cinema instead (to which he said that's a great idea!!). I told him im seeing someone but he won't back down. One of our mutual friends says he doesn't give up easily. I was hoping he will get the hint and back down with his dignity intact and our friendship intact. I still have to see him at least once a week at our society.

 

 

 

You are not trying hard enough. Get him to meet you at a coffee shop or on a park bench.

 

 

Tell him you are flattered by the attention but it has to stop. Say you are sorry you are hurting his feelings but you fear that he's getting the wrong impression. Tell him you hope you two can still be civil when you see each other in your mutual circle but you need him to stop calling & texting you all the time because you do not return his interest. Suggest he use the time he had been devoting to you in order to find a GF who is as into him as he is into her.

 

 

If he continues pestering you write him a snail mail letter & send it by regular and certified mail, return receipt requested. Say on [the date you talked] I politely asked you to stop contacting me. You persist in doing so. By ignoring my directive your behavior has crossed from merely unwelcome to harassing. Stop contacting me or I will make it a matter for the police. I hate to have to do this but you left me no choice.

[Versacehottie]

Well...the only fair and honest thing to do then is be DIRECT with him....even if that means a little harsh.

 

Because even though you don't mean to, you *are* leading him on and stringing him along. And it's not nice and it's not fair.

 

And no his behavior is not how guys are supposed to act in a relationship. It's obsessive, and smothering. And indicates a controlling and manipulative personality.

 

And although you may look 21 or 22...at 29, you really should be cognizant of these things.

 

Yes I agree it's smothering and bordering on obsessive then. You need to be very direct with him. Tell him it's making you uncomfortable and putting you in a bad position. Since you are relatively inexperienced, I would say you should be offended if someone has this disregard for boundaries (hate the word but it applies). You need to strength the boundaries not hope it will go away. It should bother you that he is not respecting your wishes and thinks he can impose himself on you. As if your mind can be changed. Give your mind more respect and tell him politely to leave you alone. He is not really your friend if he can't respect that. I would make that part of the conversation too. Tell him that so far you want to not embarrass him or bring the drama to the group but if he keeps persisting you will be forced to.

[Boooberry123]

Good plan. His latest request was to have dinner and to go out together this weekend. He wants to take photos of me to try out his new camera.

 

I will tell him that I'm sorry but I have to turn you down because I don't want others and the guy im seeing to get the wrong idea about us and think we are dating because we are not. Do you think that would work?

[d0nnivain]

Good plan. His latest request was to have dinner and to go out together this weekend. He wants to take photos of me to try out his new camera.

 

I will tell him that I'm sorry but I have to turn you down because I don't want others and the guy im seeing to get the wrong idea about us and think we are dating because we are not. Do you think that would work?

 

 

No. Because it only says you don't want dinner & the pictures. It doesn't tell him you want the texting & the invitations to stop all together.

 

 

By continuing to fail to be specific & direct you are leading him on. Stop!

[Boooberry123]

He keeps texting me even as I write this and he keeps sending me photos of things that remind him of me or things he finds amusing!

 

Even though I'm not replying he is still texting me constantly! So annoyed