Jump to content

Dating a single dad with 50/50 custody


NoMoreJerks

Recommended Posts

NoMoreJerks

Hi guys and girls,

 

I am wondering, out of curiosity, what you think about a guy's ex determining his schedule for visitation over the summer, when he does not work (he is a professor). They officially have 50/50 custody (though his ex dumps the kid off at my bf's most of the time, and he is with bf almost all of summer as well), and his ex decided the days on which he will have his kid (11 year old boy) -- it's most days of the summer, except for one week, and that's the week for which she actually signed the kid up for summer camp, so he wouldn't be home for most of the day (she also does not work in the summer, as she is a school teacher and is on maternity leave). We have been dating for a year and 4 months, and the bf has his kid over on at least 4 days of the week (including weekends). During the school year, the bf works day and night shifts for 3 days, then the rest of the week is off, and on those days, he gets the kid. So, I only see him for 3 hrs a week (one night, after 9pm) and sometimes weekends, on days that his ex wants to get her kid and take him with her to a family gathering. And on and off when his kid is there (I don't like doing that, because it doesn't encourage him to make any effort to have some alone-time, and I don't enjoy the company of his kid all that much, because his dad wants us to entertain him 24/7 when I am there). So anyway, I am working 3 days during the summer, and I had told him to keep in mind that I am only available as of Thursdays until Sunday afternoon to do things together (one on one) during the summer. He did not take that into consideration at all, and let his ex determine the schedule, and basically she decided that the kid would stay over at his, for most of the summer. Do I have the right to get upset, to expect to be consulted in a way about this? Because I feel that if I want to keep on dating him, I have to play by the ex's rules, and she basically determines my schedule, for no good reason. The kid is 11, so it is not like he would require huge amounts of supervision when he is with her anyway. Also, she is remarried, so I guess she expects that as a result, she is entitled to dump her son with the bf, because she supposedly has less time on her hands (!) and that he is available around the clock any time she doesn't desire her son to be around (don't know if he has told her that he is dating me, I have seen her once, he did not introduce me, she completely blanked me like I was a child standing next to her parent, being ignored and not included in conversation). But of course, this is preventing the bf from having a decent relationship with me, and I nearly broke up with him (still considering it seriously).

 

Am I expecting too much/ is this none of my business? I got upset and told him that I was, and that he is not making any effort to see me more, and he got mad at me. I told him that if he wanted to see me, he has to talk to his ex and revise his schedule. He said that he doesn't think his ex would accept that. Am I dating a man without any balls? Am I dating at all? Or being taken for a ride here? Am I way out of bounds in demanding some sort of consideration regarding the visitation schedule, if he wants to keep on dating me?

 

 

Thanks!

Edited by NoMoreJerks
Link to post
Share on other sites
.

Am I expecting too much/ is this none of my business?

You gave no indication how long you two had been dating by immediate take is that it is none of your business.

 

He is the man he is; you either accept him and his baggage and see this is how he has handled his life or you walk away.

 

You don't like how he has let his wife walk all over him? This is possibly his core being.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
NoMoreJerks
You gave no indication how long you two had been dating by immediate take is that it is none of your business.

 

He is the man he is; you either accept him and his baggage and see this is how he has handled his life or you walk away.

 

You don't like how he has let his wife walk all over him? This is possibly his core being.

Been dating for a year and 4 months, as stated in my original post.

 

It's not that I consider it to be my business per se what they agree amongst themselves, it's that as a result of her decisions, my schedule is also being determined by her. Maybe that is who he is, but am I being overly demanding / over the top in expecting that my schedule not be determined by his ex's? So basically, the formula is: turn your schedule into my ex's schedule, or don't expect to date me? Where is the compromise in that? I don't think any woman who is not a doormat would find this an acceptable situation. If he is not willing to ball-up and establish some boundaries with his ex for me, then I don't think he deserves me in the first place. However, he has turned this into a "you don't want to do things with my son around" kind of argument (I don't want to be his child's entertainer, which is all he wants us to do when I am around, play board games with his 11 year old child who is unable to keep himself entertained and needs to be the center of attention 24/7 -- I even dutifully played board games many many times without any complaint; I wouldn't be bothered too much by this, if we also had some alone-time as well), and has made me feel bad and accused me of basically sticking my nose where it doesn't belong. If I don't turn my schedule into a function of his ex's, we would never see each other. Is he trying to send me a message here? I guess I got the hint, and I should have broken up with him yesterday. I have stopped contacting him, and he started sending me a few messages in very formal tone, asking me about my day. It seems like this guy just wants to have his cake and eat it too. Maybe he even feels guilty for putting his ex through a separation, and his kid too, because he cheated on his ex. They were together for 8-9 years, I think. He may even have feelings for her.

Edited by NoMoreJerks
Link to post
Share on other sites
torturedartist

To be honest I got so lost in the details in your post that I failed to see the real question here. Any chance we can get some cliff notes? I mean, what are you upset about in 100 words or less?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

You can't make him be more assertive if he doesn't want to. And my thinking is that he is fine with how things are but letting the ex wife take the fall for it. I'm sorry.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
NoMoreJerks
To be honest I got so lost in the details in your post that I failed to see the real question here. Any chance we can get some cliff notes? I mean, what are you upset about in 100 words or less?

I don't see the confusion about the question. His ex has determined his visitation schedule. If I don't bend over backwards and change my schedule to fit into her schedule ALL the time, I would never see him. He is additionally at her beck and call every time. The other day, she was supposed to pick up her kid. She calls and says that she wants the ex to keep the kid with him because she has a family party that she wants to go to. My bf and I had scheduled a date on that day, and he immediately said yes to her, just so that she can go to the party.

 

He expects me to suck it up and deal with it. He has his kid over full-time all summer except for 5 days. Meaning we will never see each other this summer, unless I am happy to just have play dates with an 11 year old.

 

Am I over-reacting to this? I just feel like he expects me to be not only HIS, but also his EX's doormat. A yes-woman who will go to any length -- for his EX, not for his kid -- in order to stay in a relationship in which she is getting very little.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
NoMoreJerks
You can't make him be more assertive if he doesn't want to.

Yeah, I realized that yesterday. This is why I backed off. I am re-evaluating this whole thing. I mean, the guy has the kid a lot of the time, it's true, and it's not easy, I agree, but he also overindulged the kid, when he can just let him develop the ability to entertain himself/keep himself busy. Also, he does get his friend to babysit the kid, whenever he wants to -- not for me, though. To give private language lessons to "people he wants to help out." But he does not seem to want to do that for the woman he is dating, because it is such a bad thing to get a babysitter to go out on a date every now and then! Because that means that you are not a good dad. Or something. In his head anyway.

 

Anyway, I am staying away. Kinda phasing myself out. I just need to pick up my stuff from his place. I have asked a mutual friend to pick them up for me this Thursday, and give them to me. But I just didn't want to take a rash step because of an out of line overreaction on my part.

 

And my thinking is that he is fine with how things are but letting the ex wife take the fall for it. I'm sorry.
Hm. Maybe. I thought of that. Although he was defending his ex at the same time. :confused:
Link to post
Share on other sites
Dork Vader

I don't know how long the 2 of you have been dating but even if it has been a long time, this is really none of your business.

 

If you desire more 1 on 1 time with him then talk too him about arranging that.

 

If you think this man will put you before his kids, you've got another thing coming. If he was willing to put you before his own kids alarm bells should go off.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
NoMoreJerks
He probably doesn't want to pay child support so does whatever she asks.

Very much doubt that. In my province, in 50/50 custody cases, the child support is calculated based on income and the number of days spent at each parent's. So, if anything, she has to pay him child support. She makes $20,000 more than he does annually. And has the kid over significantly less than half the year.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun

He sounds like a good father and that is excellent. However, a man who can only juggle one relationship is usually not a good fit for a long term relationship. I, naturally don't know him or his situation really, so all I can offer is this NMJ....if I want something to happen, I make it happen. If this man doesn't fight for what he WANTS to happen, he is either a boneless mass of guilt and unresolved feelings or he is not that in to you. Either would make me reevaluate how much I was willing to invest in this relationship or if I would make myself available to find something fantastic. I guess I agree with you that you need to have something much more rewarding of your time and energy. This man isn't a bad man, but he obviously isn't the right fit for you.

Good luck.....you deserve better than this,

Grumps

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
NoMoreJerks
If you think this man will put you before his kids, you've got another thing coming. If he was willing to put you before his own kids alarm bells should go off.

Uh, YES, I should come before the kid SOME of the time. If he wants a real relationship anyway. I am sick of this mantra that the kid should be the king or the prince of the household. Coming first doesn't mean sitting there in front of the kid 24/7 and making goo-goo gaga sounds, to entertain him. The kid is not a baby anymore. He is a teenager. He also sees his dad more than I saw my parents with whom I lived (not separated). Also, SOME of the time, yes, I should be a priority. Meaning, there should be a balance. A healthy balance. I expect to be treated better than a pet. In addition, this is not even about putting his kids first. It is not about his kids. It is about his ex. How on earth would the kids not come first if they stayed with their mother on her visitation days? In fact, if anything, he is putting his kid last, by encouraging this sort of unhealthy behavior, which is going to create more resentment in the kid, towards his mother who does not want to see him because she has made a life of her own with new kids with a new guy. At any rate. As I stated, this is about his ex being more of a priority than me. It is not about the kid being a priority. :confused:

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
minimariah
But of course, this is preventing the bf from having a decent relationship with me...

 

noap. the X & the crazy schedule aren't preventing your boyfriend from having a decent relationship with you. your boyfriend is preventing your boyfriend from having a decent relationship with you = the X is treating him the way she is because he allows her to.

 

Am I expecting too much/ is this none of my business?

 

it's none of your business.

 

HOWEVER - it's making you uncomfortable and affecting your relationship. now you got 2 problems - a dude who doesn't see that + a dude who didn't really think about making some adjustements in order to spend more time with you.

 

you are totally allowed to be upset if you feel like you're the last person on his mind who gets the pieces of his time.

 

Am I dating a man without any balls?

 

no, you're just a dating a man who probably isn't that into you & doesn't really see you as anything life changing & serious.

 

Am I way out of bounds in demanding some sort of consideration regarding the visitation schedule, if he wants to keep on dating me?

 

you should demand more time with him - HE should be the one who should make changes regarding the visitation schedule. you need to stay out of his & his X's business... that is HIS business and HE needs to deal with it. and he would, if he had wanted to.

 

trust me... when a man wants to see you, spend time with you and include you in his life... sees you with him in the long run? he will make time for you. as simple as that.

 

i'd break up with him if i were you. he isn't ready to date seriously & you aren't ready to date someone with a kid who is actually a fully invested parent.

Edited by minimariah
  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
. And has the kid over significantly less than half the year.

 

That's not 50/50 then.

 

Sometimes men purposely used the kid(s) and fatherhood as a way to put distance between him and another woman. I know my ex did that with the gf he had after we divorced. It was a ruse though.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
NoMoreJerks

Thanks for the comments everyone. Although your perspective on this not being any of my business is not how I looked at it, the bottom line - that this man is just not into me for anything serious, and that I cannot change him and make him be more assertive in order to salvage our relationship - is very much in tune with what my instincts told me. I am going to break up with him. He is not a bad guy. But he is not making the effort, and I feel grossly unimportant in his life. Completely ignored, de-prioritized. Even a pet might get more attention than I do. And it was not always like this. It was easier at first. Ironically. He used to make more effort, ask his ex to take his kid on certain days, in order to go out with me. Not all the time, but sometimes. It means it is doable. His ex is not some crazy woman, I guess, but he has enabled her. And maybe using her as an excuse to avoid uncomfortable feelings of guilt, etc. Too bad. I very much loved this man. :( I am gutted. :(

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
NoMoreJerks
That's not 50/50 then.

 

Officially -- on paper -- it is 50/50. However, the ex dumps the kid off with the bf ( soon to be my ex) on her visitation days quite often. He does not challenge this as being a violation of the 50/50 arrangement.

Link to post
Share on other sites
minimariah
The kid is not a baby anymore. He is a teenager.

 

and...?

 

He also sees his dad more than I saw my parents with whom I lived (not separated).

 

and...? are you implying that the kid sees his dad too often...?

 

what if the kid decides to actually live with his father full time? what will you do then? what if something happens to the mother and suddenly the father is the only parent?

 

Also, SOME of the time, yes, I should be a priority.

 

why? you're just a chick he is seeing here and there.

 

As I stated, this is about his ex being more of a priority than me.

 

you seem to know awfully lot about someone you've seen ONCE in your life. you're already creating tension and hostility towards his X & you aren't even serious with this dude -- how do you think this will work out in the long run?

 

and he is putting his kid 1st. how? by not wanting to create tension with his X & because he is aware of the fact that he can't force his X to spend her visitations days with the kid - i don't see a thing wrong with it. he clearly loves his kid and spending time with him.

 

move on, this is too much than what you're able to handle.

 

please, don't take this post as harsh... i didn't mean anything bad at all.

 

i'm just trying to show you what you're signing up to & give you a "reality slap", that's all. there are men out there who have the kid(s) full time and are still able to have a serious relationship - don't settle for less.

Edited by minimariah
  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
NoMoreJerks
now you got 2 problems - a dude who doesn't see that + a dude who didn't really think about making some adjustements in order to spend more time with you.
He did, at first. Not a lot. A few times. Maybe during the phase of winning me over. Then it stopped. To be fair, when he stopped, I did not pull back, so that he would make some effort, if he was really interested. I tried to bend over backwards to accommodate him. To fit into his ex's schedule. To allow him to see his kid, and have alone time with his kid. To see him only 3 hrs / week, after 9pm. I started feeling more like a booty call, though. But it was my behavior allowed this "relationship" to go on longer than it should have, I suppose. I should've cut my losses much sooner. What broke the horse's back was when he cancelled our date, which I was looking forward to, because his ex decided she didn't want to take the kid to her family party, and if she was gonna take him, she'd rather not go. So, in order to allow her to go to her party, he cancelled our date. That really was a big red flag for me. He had also started to schedule his private lessons on days we are supposed to be together, when his kid is not around. Basically, I not only got the scraps / left-overs of his time (after his ex, his kid, and his work had took up most of it), but also, he now slotted in other chunks of "do-good-for-others" time into our alone time. :(
Link to post
Share on other sites
minimariah

sweetheart, i'm sorry.

 

you clearly care for this man and you want it to work out but... it is what it is. he's passive with his X & that would be a huge problem in the future... trust me.

 

i understand spending time with the kid but this private lessons...? what is that about...? is he in a need of money...? =\

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
NoMoreJerks
and...? are you implying that the kid sees his dad too often...?

I am. I actually told his best friend (whom he has known for 20+ years), just yesterday, and she agreed with me, that the relationship with his son is not a healthy relationship, and more of an addiction/obsession. This man does not let his 11 year old son go get a glass of water on his own, because he will get too tired in doing so.

 

what if the kid decides to actually live with his father full time? what will you do then? what if something happens to the mother and suddenly the father is the only parent?

If this relationship was a serious one, and we were thinking of something long-term, moving in together, marriage, etc., then I would expect there to be ground rules in my own home, about what goes on and what doesn't go on, what is acceptable behavior and what isn't, etc. And I would expect to have a part in disciplining the kid. Assuming we lived together in the same house. If we didn't live together, then so what? If he wants a relationship, even if the kid lived with him full-time, then he should make the effort. Why string someone along, and pretend you want a relationship, when you don't have the time? He just should not even try. He should have told me outright. He actually got offended when I said I felt like this was more of a FWB situation than a real relationship.

 

why? you're just a chick he is seeing here and there.

See above reply.

 

you seem to know awfully lot about someone you've seen ONCE in your life. you're already creating tension and hostility towards his X & you aren't even serious with this dude -- how do you think this will work out in the long run?

I am not serious with him? If I seem to know an awful lot about someone I've seen once in my life, then you seem to know an awful lot about ME, despite having read me for the first time. :confused: I have no ill feelings for the ex. She did blank me when she saw me. That is the truth. It is not a judgement. I have not even called her bad names like "baby mama." I have no issues with the ex. For all I know, he is just using the ex as an excuse for not putting in the effort. What is your point here? I am not creating tension between him and his ex. If anything (assuming the ex is not just an excuse), it might be the ex that is trying to prevent him from having a relationship? She has been increasingly dumping the kid off lately. Maybe she started doing so once she found out that her ex was dating.

 

and he is putting his kid 1st. how? by not wanting to create tension with his X & because he is aware of the fact that he can't force his X to spend her visitations days with the kid - i don't see a thing wrong with it. he clearly loves his kid and spending time with him.

Actually, he can, if he wanted to. The formal custody arrangement is 50/50, and child custody payments are based on it. if she's going to give up on her visitation rights, then the custody arrangement could be changed and she could be paying custody. I have no problem with him loving his kid and spending time with him. But at some point, a healthy relationship and a normal healthy amount of spending time with a kid turns into an obsessive, addictive, unhealthy, abnormal relationship. If I weren't sure my bf/ex is straight as a pole, I might even characterize the relationship as incestuous.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
NoMoreJerks

i understand spending time with the kid but this private lessons...? what is that about...? is he in a need of money...? =\

He is a language professor at a university, and he gives private language lessons to immigrants, to integrate them into society. He has found a student who pays him for private classes (just a symbolic amount, nothing that my bf needs, really), and he claims he wants to help him out, that this is why he does it. He even went to give his class the morning after my return in the evening from a trip to my family in the U.S., when we hadn't seen each other for a week and a half.... At first I was suspicious.I thought, what if he is sneaking off to see someone and have morning dates with her? I decided to trust him, though. Maybe I am naive. Maybe not. For what it's worth, I decided to stop that thought from developing into a stalkerish obsession, which would've made me follow him to see where he was going.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Rejected Rosebud
Coming first doesn't mean sitting there in front of the kid 24/7 and making goo-goo gaga sounds, to entertain him. The kid is not a baby anymore. He is a teenager. He also sees his dad more than I saw my parents with whom I lived (not separated). Also, SOME of the time, yes, I should be a priority. Meaning, there should be a balance. A healthy balance. I expect to be treated better than a pet. In addition, this is not even about putting his kids first. It is not about his kids. It is about his ex. How on earth would the kids not come first if they stayed with their mother on her visitation days?
You come off as pretty much hating on his kid, and resenting that he has a kid, and pretty much resentful of your relationship with him (treated like A PET??!?! :eek::eek:) Like mostly everybody else here, I don't think that his child rearing arrangements with his ex are any of your beeswax sorry!!! :):) I don't see this relationship working out for you, for the guy or for his kid either. If you want to try something, just ask him if you and he can do something together on for example next Saturday, just the 2 of you. Ask for your time clearly like that. Getting all hateful about how he relates to his son and his ex is not going to get you into a nicer place with this man!!!
  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
NoMoreJerks
You come off as pretty much hating on his kid, and resenting that he has a kid, and pretty much resentful of your relationship with him (treated like A PET??!?! :eek::eek:) Like mostly everybody else here, I don't think that his child rearing arrangements with his ex are any of your beeswax sorry!!! :):) I don't see this relationship working out for you, for the guy or for his kid either. If you want to try something, just ask him if you and he can do something together on for example next Saturday, just the 2 of you. Ask for your time clearly like that. Getting all hateful about how he relates to his son and his ex is not going to get you into a nicer place with this man!!!

Actually, I don't hate the kid. I don't LOVE him either, but I don't have to. I accept him, and have accepted to make compromises for his sake. I have also made sacrifices, that I did not have to make. Just the other week, when he was not feeling too well and didn't want to walk home from a park 15 minutes away from home, I walked for 30 minutes to go get a zip car in order to drive him home. His dad was there, too, and even his dad did not think of that level of bending over backwards. I don't wish to do away with the kid or to intervene in their relationship. However, I wish to be told the truth, and not to be strung along, if this man does not really want a serious relationship with me. If he does want a serious relationship, then I expect to be treated better than a pet. I really do think that if my bf had a dog, he would have given it more time and attention than he does with me, as things stand right now (things were different at the beginning, the first 6 months or so).

Link to post
Share on other sites
minimariah
This man does not let his 11 year old son go get a glass of water on his own, because he will get too tired in doing so.

 

alright... so this is a red flag.

 

this dude seems like someone who wants to please folks in general? am i right? he is probably not very dominant... more of a "wants to make everyone" happy type of guy? maybe even feels guilt from the divorce/separation so he looks after his son a bit "too much" as in spoils him?

 

did you ever talk about the way he raises his son, just in general?

 

I am not serious with him?

 

YOU are, you are. that much is obvious. but he isn't.

 

what i meant to say by "you aren't serious with him" was = your relationship with him isn't serious... or as serious as you want it to be. not that you personally aren't serious with him.

 

also - i didn't meant that you're creating tension between the X & your boyfriend... but between the X and yourself because the resentment is already there from your point of view. which is another bad sign because you clearly doesn't have nice opinion of her & you didn't properly meet her... and that's a bit od a bad start.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
NoMoreJerks
alright... so this is a red flag.

 

this dude seems like someone who wants to please folks in general? am i right? he is probably not very dominant... more of a "wants to make everyone" happy type of guy? maybe even feels guilt from the divorce/separation so he looks after his son a bit "too much" as in spoils him?

He is generally a pleaser, yes. With most people. Not everyone. Especially with his ex and his kid, though. Never with me, though. Which is why I would say that it's not so much a personality / characteristic trait, but more of a feeling of guilt. It seems that he only fails at pleasing the women in his life (that he is dating), aside from his ex. I don't know who broke up with whom in his past relationships (after the one with his kid's mother, he had several relationships). He claims it was him who dropped them. But that is not necessarily the truth. Maybe they were the ones who dropped him, for the very same reasons that I am considering breaking up with him for. Maybe. I don't know. Don't want to jump to conclusions here. But I have seen several red flags in his relationship with his kid, because I truly believe it is unhealthy, and not because I am in some sort of competition with his kid. The kid wakes up at 5am, wakes us up. Doesn't stop screaming for his dad until his dad gets up and goes to his room, chats with him, gets him out of his room, into the bathroom, then into the living room, sits him down in front of the TV, and then goes and prepares a 3-course breakfast for him. Every day. That, to me, is completely unhealthy (at least the screaming til dad gets up and comes to his room). An 11 year old kid.

 

did you ever talk about the way he raises his son, just in general?
Generally, I tried not to express my judgement. I don't want to intervene. It isn't my place. As long as I am not living with him / the kid is not living in my house. I did make small comments, like, why do you do this? I think you should let him do things on his own, even if slowly, so that he becomes more independent. Comments like that. He generally took it well, but nothing changed. He said, yes, I know, but we're just used to doing it this way.
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...