mg101 Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 (edited) I'm trying to over react less so looking for impartial feedback. Last night I mentioned a certain singer was coming to town to perform next month and it'd be nice if we went together to see him. My boyfriend (of 8 months) replied "jokingly" with: "I dont want to see him. I'm in love with his girlfriend and I'm mad that I can't be with her. Have you seen her?? She's so beautiful." Yes I've "seen her" and yes she's pretty but wtf does that have to do with me trying to suggest something for US to do together? And I understand the occasional "he or she is hot" comments about celebs (even tho she herself isnt a celeb) but in this context it seemed bizarre. And he is complimentary towards me, but going to the extent of how he said it and the timing was strange IMO. Oh and it doesn't help that her and I look absolutely nothing alike. lol Plus he never got back to the point about the concert itself. It was quite off putting and I wont lie, I was offended. What say you? p.s. we're in our late 20s if that matters Edited July 7, 2015 by mg101 Link to post Share on other sites
TunaInTheBrine Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 I'm trying to over react less so looking for impartial feedback. Last night I mentioned a certain singer was coming to town to perform next month and it'd be nice if we went together to see him. My boyfriend (of 8 months) replied "jokingly" with: "I dont want to see him. I'm in love with his girlfriend and I'm mad that I can't be with her. Have you seen her?? She's so beautiful." Yes I've "seen her" and yes she's pretty but wtf does that have to do with me trying to suggest something for US to do together? And I understand the occasional "he or she is hot" comments about celebs (even tho she herself isnt a celeb) but in this context it seemed bizarre. And he is complimentary towards me, but going to the extent of how he said it and the timing was strange IMO. Oh and it doesn't help that her and I look absolutely nothing alike. lol Plus he never got back to the point about the concert itself. It was quite off putting and I wont lie, I was offended. What say you? p.s. we're in our late 20s if that matters You're both at an age where mature emotional communication skills are expected. It would be completely within bounds to say, "the other night when you said _____________, I felt insecure about myself because I have a need to feel appreciated by you, and I wasn't feeling that in that moment." See how he responds. Don't fight or match his defensiveness (anticipating that's what he'll do). Just reiterate your point again until he gets it. It's not about him or putting him down; it's about your needs and being honest with him about a strong reaction you had that maybe he would be willing to help with if he knew about it. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mg101 Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 You're both at an age where mature emotional communication skills are expected. It would be completely within bounds to say, "the other night when you said _____________, I felt insecure about myself because I have a need to feel appreciated by you, and I wasn't feeling that in that moment." See how he responds. Don't fight or match his defensiveness (anticipating that's what he'll do). Just reiterate your point again until he gets it. It's not about him or putting him down; it's about your needs and being honest with him about a strong reaction you had that maybe he would be willing to help with if he knew about it. Well I did say something right at that moment but it was casually and he brushed it off like I was overreacting. Now it's bothering me more and more. I like your suggestion, but I also wonder, isn't that common sense not to say you're in love with someone else and are mad you cant be with them? Just seems really insensitive. He's done one other thing early on in our relationship that I haven't completely gotten over and maybe that's making me more sensitive here. What did he do you say? He gave his credit card to a girl he used to sleep with before we dated (and who is "obsessed with him but just a friend") so she could go buy my valentines day gift because he was working all day. We had a long conversation (after a brief break up) about being insensitive and considering each other's feelings before doing and saying things then. Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyBug Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 I also wonder, isn't that common sense not to say you're in love with someone else and are mad you cant be with them? Just seems really insensitive. It was totally insensitive and immature. I'm sure you wouldn't have minded if he said she was hot and left it at that, but basically telling you he'd rather be with her than you? That's something he could've kept to himself. How did he think that was supposed to make you feel? Some men are freaking clueless. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TunaInTheBrine Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 Well I did say something right at that moment but it was casually and he brushed it off like I was overreacting. Now it's bothering me more and more. I like your suggestion, but I also wonder, isn't that common sense not to say you're in love with someone else and are mad you cant be with them? Just seems really insensitive. He's done one other thing early on in our relationship that I haven't completely gotten over and maybe that's making me more sensitive here. What did he do you say? He gave his credit card to a girl he used to sleep with before we dated (and who is "obsessed with him but just a friend") so she could go buy my valentines day gift because he was working all day. We had a long conversation (after a brief break up) about being insensitive and considering each other's feelings before doing and saying things then. He doesn't sound very self-aware, and likely has difficulty seeing your perspective because he is quite caught up in his own. It is what it is. The best you can do is try to be non-reactive (as to not provoke his defensive side) while still trying to show him how you feel and why that's important in this situation. Because of his upbringing, and because he is a man who is socialized to not be in touch with emotions/intuition, it might be a tougher battle than not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mg101 Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 It was totally insensitive and immature. I'm sure you wouldn't have minded if he said she was hot and left it at that, but basically telling you he'd rather be with her than you? That's something he could've kept to himself. How did he think that was supposed to make you feel? Some men are freaking clueless. Exactly! That's how it came off and the context of me asking about the concert made it even worse. Who says that. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 His reasoning is ridiculous but you are way overreacting to a stupid comment. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mg101 Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 He doesn't sound very self-aware, and likely has difficulty seeing your perspective because he is quite caught up in his own. It is what it is. The best you can do is try to be non-reactive (as to not provoke his defensive side) while still trying to show him how you feel and why that's important in this situation. Because of his upbringing, and because he is a man who is socialized to not be in touch with emotions/intuition, it might be a tougher battle than not. Oh he's actually quite sensitive and in touch with his feelings. But it seems like it's more HIS feelings and not those around him. Empathy is lacking tbh. And I already know how it'll go if I just express my feelings and how it made me feel - he'll say it wasn't that serious but sorry. Apologize while discounting my position. I feel like he needs another approach to really get it. Not quite sure what that is though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mg101 Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 His reasoning is ridiculous but you are way overreacting to a stupid comment. You think? Hmm maybe so but I think if he'd even made the comment but gone back to the original point which was the concert for us to attend together, it would've gone over a little better. But he just went on about her and changed topics. Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyBug Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 You think? Hmm maybe so but I think if he'd even made the comment but gone back to the original point which was the concert for us to attend together, it would've gone over a little better. But he just went on about her and changed topics. The person you love basically told you he'd rather be with another woman. "Overreacting" would be throwing things at him, yelling, & slashing his tires. Being hurt and calling him on his insensitivity? Totally appropriate. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
TunaInTheBrine Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 Oh he's actually quite sensitive and in touch with his feelings. But it seems like it's more HIS feelings and not those around him. Empathy is lacking tbh. And I already know how it'll go if I just express my feelings and how it made me feel - he'll say it wasn't that serious but sorry. Apologize while discounting my position. I feel like he needs another approach to really get it. Not quite sure what that is though. He still doesn't sound self-aware to me. Being hyperreactive/over-personalizing and being self-aware are not synonymous. He can't separate his own feelings from the reality of the situation is what I'm understanding from your post. It's not necessarily up to you to 'teach him' about empathy and how to connect. You can try, of course, but it sounds like you already are. How much of this are you willing to put up with? I'm not suggesting that you ditch him or anything. Many couples have their issues that they just cannot resolve ever, and that's fine, but you need to know your limits. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 You hear this guys? Don't ever talk like that about other women in front of your girlfriend. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mg101 Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 The person you love basically told you he'd rather be with another woman. "Overreacting" would be throwing things at him, yelling, & slashing his tires. Being hurt and calling him on his insensitivity? Totally appropriate. And that's how it felt when he said it tbh. Like, what am i? Chopped liver? I'm usually passive aggressive with these things and my natural inclination would've been to ignore him for a few days after he brushed off my issue with his comment. But... I'm trying to do better with communicating my feelings these days. Oh but it's taking everything in me not to go radio silent to reiterate my point and have him take it more seriously. OT, i'm from the social media generation and I think it's a death trap for relationships unless people realize the doors it opens. People in relationships sitting and gawking at other men/women they dont know on instagram just cant be productive. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mg101 Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 You hear this guys? Don't ever talk like that about other women in front of your girlfriend. Gary, a simple she's hot is OK. But I'm in love with her, I'm mad at him because I cant be with her... she's so beautiful. Really guy? That's just ridic. Men or Women shouldn't say that to their significant others imo. Link to post Share on other sites
lino Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 I don't think stuff like that is a big deal. My girl says similar things every so often about famous (and not famous) men. So long as she doesn't act on it, I couldn't care. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mg101 Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 I don't think stuff like that is a big deal. My girl says similar things every so often about famous (and not famous) men. So long as she doesn't act on it, I couldn't care. Interesting. Does she simply say the man is hot or does she go to the extent of saying she wishes she could be with him and she's in love with him etc. Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyBug Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 I don't think stuff like that is a big deal. My girl says similar things every so often about famous (and not famous) men. So long as she doesn't act on it, I couldn't care. As long as your SO knows you don't care, and that it doesn't hurt you, that's fine, but I don't think anyone should trivialize her feelings as if she's really the one with the problem for being hurt. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 He gave his credit card to a girl he used to sleep with before we dated (and who is "obsessed with him but just a friend") so she could go buy my valentines day gift because he was working all day. it's like your boyfriend fell from Mars, i swear. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mg101 Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 As long as your SO knows you don't care, and that it doesn't hurt you, that's fine, but I don't think anyone should trivialize her feelings as if she's really the one with the problem for being hurt. Yeah you know women's feelings are often trivialized as being overly emotional and I'm sensitive to that so I try to look at it logically. Yet and still I'm still left feeling offended on this one given the words and context. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mg101 Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 it's like your boyfriend fell from Mars, i swear. I know I know. I'm still not over that one. It's so brain dead and that's what i explained to him. VDay is on the same day each year; some early planning could've avoided the supposed necessity to do that. "Don't you see how plain wrong that whole scenario is??!" I literally had to scream it at him at some point because he really wasn't getting the big deal. smh Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 I know I know. I'm still not over that one. It's so brain dead and that's what i explained to him. VDay is on the same day each year; some early planning could've avoided the supposed necessity to do that. "Don't you see how plain wrong that whole scenario is??!" I literally had to scream it at him at some point because he really wasn't getting the big deal. smh if this is the case -- then you are overreacting because he's indeed clueless & doesn't really know how to be sensitive with you in certain situations. however... i'd think about being with him on the long run if i were you. there are men out there better suited for you who aren't as clueless as this dude. maybe you just aren't a match & this probably won't be the last situation his cluelessness shows... you know? you gotta figure out will you have him with his clueless self or dump him and find someone who won't have his XF&ck buddy buy you a present (because, honestly, that is a far bigger fiasco to me than this situation). these situations are those little "signs" that show you your partner's REAL character. if he's clueless and insensitive now and can't understand why is inappropriate to have his X buy a present for you = these character traits will show in more serious relationship situations, too. think about it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
torturedartist Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 I'm trying to over react less so looking for impartial feedback. Last night I mentioned a certain singer was coming to town to perform next month and it'd be nice if we went together to see him. My boyfriend (of 8 months) replied "jokingly" with: "I dont want to see him. I'm in love with his girlfriend and I'm mad that I can't be with her. Have you seen her?? She's so beautiful." Yes I've "seen her" and yes she's pretty but wtf does that have to do with me trying to suggest something for US to do together? And I understand the occasional "he or she is hot" comments about celebs (even tho she herself isnt a celeb) but in this context it seemed bizarre. And he is complimentary towards me, but going to the extent of how he said it and the timing was strange IMO. Oh and it doesn't help that her and I look absolutely nothing alike. lol Plus he never got back to the point about the concert itself. It was quite off putting and I wont lie, I was offended. What say you? p.s. we're in our late 20s if that matters Without getting too awfully deep into Freudian psychology, your BF sounds like a dip****. If he's really in love with a singer's girlfriend, he's a dip****. If he's not and he's just telling you that...he's a dip****. I just don't see any way around it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyBug Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 Nothing to see here, folks! Editing something that I didn't realize already went through. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
torturedartist Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 The censored 4 characters in my reply form a word that sounds like "ship", but rhymes with "hit". Something you wouldn't want to step in, if you know what I mean. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyBug Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 Yeah you know women's feelings are often trivialized as being overly emotional and I'm sensitive to that so I try to look at it logically. Yet and still I'm still left feeling offended on this one given the words and context. OP, you are not being overly sensitive. Most anyone would be hurt, at least someone very much in love with their partner. Comments like that are a slap in the face. Been on the receiving end of a few whoppers myself, so I feel ya. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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