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Process of breaking up.


theonlyone1

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theonlyone1

Officially me and my girlfriend have been dating for 6 months but things have been going on before that. She had always been a little crazy but from the beginning I was addicted to her. It was like a drug and I just couldn't get enough. Now not so much.

 

She brought both bad and good to my life. She really motivated me to work on my self appearance, my work and having fun. The bad is she brought stress from the craziness, made my college grades drop, and made the alcohol sort of a problem. I was always more shy and not as outgoing before I met her. That may be why I was attracted to her, to get what I was lacking. She really pushed me to talk to people, meet new people, and go out to different places. I really enjoyed that and had a ton of fun memories with her.

 

I'm only 21 but I run my own business so I was living alone at the time of meeting her. She basically started moving in with me which I liked because I wanted to be around her all the time. Slowly I started distancing myself from my friends since I was always with her. After a couple of months of living together the arguing started and we had fights. After some sex and a nights sleep, we would forget about it and be fine the next morning. Friends began to notice the fighting and would show their concerns to me. I would just hope things would work themselves out.

 

Fast-forward to now and it's time for me to move out. I knew I shouldn't start looking too early because she gets very desperate about these things. She's like a 5 year old where if she sees something she wants and doesn't get it, she has a tantrum. So we go to see a couple of places and she finds the one she thinks is perfect. I really only wanted to spend 1700 and this place was out of my budget at 2100. She finally agreed to pay 300 and I said only if they accept 2000 a month. They declined and it turned into a huge fight and constantly harassing me on a day to day basses at looking at the place. One night I told her I think I would prefer to live at my moms and save up some money and she lost it. I thought it was my way out as I really had thinking about breaking up but just couldn't do it.

 

Now to my problem. I have been thinking about breaking up for awhile now. I have only been single for about 6 months in the past 3-4 years, so I really forgot what it feels like. I also had a pretty bad break up that really affected my life and put me into a sort of depression. I don't need to get into the reasons why she is bad for me, she brings nothing to the table, we have really stopped talking much, argue a lot, she thinks shes is a princess, sex just isn't the same anymore, and constant thoughts of breaking up. The list goes on but I can't name it all. The issue is the actual break up. I know I will be called a "pussy" from reading other peoples posts but I just have never had the power to say I wanna break up. It's a combination of reasons. I can't deal with the crying. I know how bad it feels when someone does that to you. I would probably say I didn't mean it, I was just mad. I also have a fear of what will happen next, like do I have enough friends or will I be stuck bored at home. I also worry about doing it and then coming back in a week and begging for her back. I have school and a company to run and feel that I could go into a big depression and my school and work will be affected. I know it will go away but it the getting through it that is the problem.

 

Some days I'm fine and enjoy her company and sometimes I think about being alone and leaving her. But the thought of saying those words and leaving her puts thoughts in my head that just leaves my stomach in knots. I also don't really know when it the best time to do it, after a fight, out of the blue, over a text, over the phone, at her parents, dropping her off, or a mutual location.

 

I know its like pulling and band-aid off quickly and right now I'm just slowly taking it off not knowing if I can deal with the pain of just ripping it off and if I will regret it in the end.

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I always think that breaking up is best more out of the blue when things are ok (i.e. not in the middle of a fight/bickering). Don't complicate it with any kind of preceding fight or other turbulence if you want the break-up to stick.

 

ALWAYS do it in person - any way else is lame and disrespectful. Do it some place private, in case strong emotions are involved.

 

I'd probably avoid doing it at her parents house, unless that's the only private-ish space you can get.

 

Be nice during the process, don't yell, don't give her the option to try to get back together (i.e. tell her that you're breaking up with her, don't have a conversation about whether or not you should).

 

Be willing to get up and leave if she starts complaining/yelling/etc. If she handles it in a pissy way, leave, just do it in a nice-ish way.

 

Don't draw out the break-up, it doesn't need to be explained much beyond the discussion of waning connection/interest. The more information you give, the more they'll try to say that it's not applicable - so making it about yourself is best (i.e. you're not feeling the connection) as they can't really argue about it, not to mention making it about yourself is generally the most truthful (unless she just committed a felony or something).

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theonlyone1
I always think that breaking up is best more out of the blue when things are ok (i.e. not in the middle of a fight/bickering). Don't complicate it with any kind of preceding fight or other turbulence if you want the break-up to stick.

 

ALWAYS do it in person - any way else is lame and disrespectful. Do it some place private, in case strong emotions are involved.

 

I'd probably avoid doing it at her parents house, unless that's the only private-ish space you can get.

 

Be nice during the process, don't yell, don't give her the option to try to get back together (i.e. tell her that you're breaking up with her, don't have a conversation about whether or not you should).

 

Be willing to get up and leave if she starts complaining/yelling/etc. If she handles it in a pissy way, leave, just do it in a nice-ish way.

 

Don't draw out the break-up, it doesn't need to be explained much beyond the discussion of waning connection/interest. The more information you give, the more they'll try to say that it's not applicable - so making it about yourself is best (i.e. you're not feeling the connection) as they can't really argue about it, not to mention making it about yourself is generally the most truthful (unless she just committed a felony or something).

 

Is there a better time to do it though? Her parents are on vacation, about an hour drive north. I'm supposed to be her ride tomorrow so we can meet them for 2 days of the vacation.

 

I feel like I just can't do it before that.

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I'd wait until you get back from the trip - have fun with it. You've dated her for a while, don't be a dick about it and ruin the trip for her. The only reason I'd potentially do it before the trip is if you haven't met her parents yet.

 

I'd probably wait until a couple/few days after the trip. I think your head is in the right space and you're trying to be respectful - you'll be fine.

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Officially me and my girlfriend have been dating for 6 months but things have been going on before that. She had always been a little crazy but from the beginning I was addicted to her. It was like a drug and I just couldn't get enough. Now not so much.

 

She brought both bad and good to my life. She really motivated me to work on my self appearance, my work and having fun. The bad is she brought stress from the craziness, made my college grades drop, and made the alcohol sort of a problem. I was always more shy and not as outgoing before I met her. That may be why I was attracted to her, to get what I was lacking. She really pushed me to talk to people, meet new people, and go out to different places. I really enjoyed that and had a ton of fun memories with her.

 

I'm only 21 but I run my own business so I was living alone at the time of meeting her. She basically started moving in with me which I liked because I wanted to be around her all the time. Slowly I started distancing myself from my friends since I was always with her. After a couple of months of living together the arguing started and we had fights. After some sex and a nights sleep, we would forget about it and be fine the next morning. Friends began to notice the fighting and would show their concerns to me. I would just hope things would work themselves out.

 

Fast-forward to now and it's time for me to move out. I knew I shouldn't start looking too early because she gets very desperate about these things. She's like a 5 year old where if she sees something she wants and doesn't get it, she has a tantrum. So we go to see a couple of places and she finds the one she thinks is perfect. I really only wanted to spend 1700 and this place was out of my budget at 2100. She finally agreed to pay 300 and I said only if they accept 2000 a month. They declined and it turned into a huge fight and constantly harassing me on a day to day basses at looking at the place. One night I told her I think I would prefer to live at my moms and save up some money and she lost it. I thought it was my way out as I really had thinking about breaking up but just couldn't do it.

 

Now to my problem. I have been thinking about breaking up for awhile now. I have only been single for about 6 months in the past 3-4 years, so I really forgot what it feels like. I also had a pretty bad break up that really affected my life and put me into a sort of depression. I don't need to get into the reasons why she is bad for me, she brings nothing to the table, we have really stopped talking much, argue a lot, she thinks shes is a princess, sex just isn't the same anymore, and constant thoughts of breaking up. The list goes on but I can't name it all. The issue is the actual break up. I know I will be called a "pussy" from reading other peoples posts but I just have never had the power to say I wanna break up. It's a combination of reasons. I can't deal with the crying. I know how bad it feels when someone does that to you. I would probably say I didn't mean it, I was just mad. I also have a fear of what will happen next, like do I have enough friends or will I be stuck bored at home. I also worry about doing it and then coming back in a week and begging for her back. I have school and a company to run and feel that I could go into a big depression and my school and work will be affected. I know it will go away but it the getting through it that is the problem.

 

Some days I'm fine and enjoy her company and sometimes I think about being alone and leaving her. But the thought of saying those words and leaving her puts thoughts in my head that just leaves my stomach in knots. I also don't really know when it the best time to do it, after a fight, out of the blue, over a text, over the phone, at her parents, dropping her off, or a mutual location.

 

I know its like pulling and band-aid off quickly and right now I'm just slowly taking it off not knowing if I can deal with the pain of just ripping it off and if I will regret it in the end.

 

Since you have resigned yourself to break up, just do it. Since you know she's emotional and probably won't accept it maturely. You invite her for drinks at a public place. You order the drinks and pay for them. While you are drinking the drinks, you casually mention the problems you two have been having and talk lightly about them. When you're drinks are finished, you tell her her that you two are not a good match for each other and that you will be moving on. If she becomes emotional, you escort her to her car and leave her there. If she carries on and goes off, you simply leave. Your bill is paid.

 

There is no easy way to do it. And, you cannot manage her emotions and feelings. She needs to do that for herself.

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Since you have resigned yourself to break up, just do it. Since you know she's emotional and probably won't accept it maturely. You invite her for drinks at a public place. You order the drinks and pay for them. While you are drinking the drinks, you casually mention the problems you two have been having and talk lightly about them. When you're drinks are finished, you tell her her that you two are not a good match for each other and that you will be moving on. If she becomes emotional, you escort her to her car and leave her there. If she carries on and goes off, you simply leave. Your bill is paid.

 

There is no easy way to do it. And, you cannot manage her emotions and feelings. She needs to do that for herself.

 

I kind of disagree with most of this - I don't like the public venue break-up...more impersonal, high probability for making a scene, etc. I definitely agree, though, that it's tough regardless, but I think you'll do fine - just hold your ground and don't back peddle.

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I kind of disagree with most of this - I don't like the public venue break-up...more impersonal, high probability for making a scene, etc. I definitely agree, though, that it's tough regardless, but I think you'll do fine - just hold your ground and don't back peddle.

 

He knows there's a high probability that she will become emotional. It doesn't matter if she makes a scene. It's her problem, if she can't control herself and accept this maturely. The bill is paid he can leave and she's left to deal with it. If he has her come to his place, he'll likely be in a position to have to comfort her, etc. And, the drama will be strung out longer for sure. He is not prepared or in a position emotionally himself to do that for her anyway. This way he rips the band-aid for both of them. No matter how he does it, she'll have to at some point be on her own. She should start immediately.

 

If she were a mature woman anyway through their relationship, he wouldn't be worrying about all this so much. He'd know that he could tell her what he needs to tell her and do it in a quiet place. She's set herself up for this manner of ending it. This is really a no win situation for him.

 

He's the one posting here for advice, so I'm giving advice about what's best for HIM, not her.

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theonlyone1
He knows there's a high probability that she will become emotional. It doesn't matter if she makes a scene. It's her problem, if she can't control herself and accept this maturely. The bill is paid he can leave and she's left to deal with it. If he has her come to his place, he'll likely be in a position to have to comfort her, etc. And, the drama will be strung out longer for sure. He is not prepared or in a position emotionally himself to do that for her anyway. This way he rips the band-aid for both of them. No matter how he does it, she'll have to at some point be on her own. She should start immediately.

 

If she were a mature woman anyway through their relationship, he wouldn't be worrying about all this so much. He'd know that he could tell her what he needs to tell her and do it in a quiet place. She's set herself up for this manner of ending it. This is really a no win situation for him.

 

He's the one posting here for advice, so I'm giving advice about what's best for HIM, not her.

 

Unless some miracle happens, there will defiantly be a scene. She is very immature. She is about to turn 19, I'm 21 and she acts as if she is 13 or even younger. She also took anger management when she was younger.

 

I can't really get drinks with her as she is not 21 and most of the time we drive together, it would be weird if I asked her to drive separate. If we did get drinks it would get to the point of possibly throwing it in my face or breaking something. I could also imagine the possibility of damage to my car.

 

Same goes for doing it at my place. If I did it at her parents house, I could imagine a lot of yelling, throwing, possibly threatening. I then also have to deal with the parents overhearing and having to walk past them.

 

I also believe that I will need to prepare myself for some verbal abuse.

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empresario

My gut reaction is to say "just do it already".

 

However, there is some merit to the slow approach...especially someone like you that has a fear of being alone.

 

First, let me tell you a policy we have in my company amongst the leaders. The second you tell another person in the leadership committee "I think this person may not work out", we tell them to prepare to fire them. Give them a review and tell them they have 30 days to meet goals (and have them sign that they have heard what you're saying). Leave with the expectation you are firing them in 30 days because honestly they probably will never change your mind even if they do 3 peoples' jobs for the next thirty days. You've already lost respect for them.

 

Why? Because the second you've decided someone isn't worth your time...you've already made the decision whether you are able to immediately pull the trigger or not.

 

The same goes for relationships. Most breakups (long-term) happen when one person has mentally broken up long ahead of time. One decides they are going to break up...they grieve internally for some weeks/months, and eventually end it. They move on fast because they already got their grieving out of the way. The other person then suffers their grieving period and moves on some time later.

 

You've already decided you're going to break up. Let's get that point out in the open. Hold yourself to that. Now sit down and do what I make my leadership team do. Write down things that have to change for you to be happy in the relationship. Talk with her about them if you can. Set goals for yourself and where you want to be with her and with your life. When done, acknowledge that in 30 days she will most likely not hit your expectations. People do not make miracle turnarounds. Not employees, not lovers. And you've already lost respect for her. But at least you can break it off knowing you gave it your best shot. And you will have gotten a lot of your grieving out of the way. The person that breaks up has to be mentally strong enough to stick with it...for both parties.

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The issue is the actual break up..... I don't really know when it the best time to do it.

Short answer: OnlyOne, I agree with Redhead's advice -- do the breakup calmly and quickly in a public place, where you can easily slip away if necessary.

 

Long answer: The behaviors you describe -- i.e., event-triggered irrational anger, controlling behavior, lack of impulse control, behaving "like a 5 year old," and throwing temper tantrums -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your GF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she might exhibit moderate to strong traits of it if your descriptions are accurate.

 

I mention this only because, if your GF really does have strong BPD traits, your breakup likely will get very ugly and nasty very quickly. The greatest fear of a BPDer (i.e., person having strong BPD traits) is abandonment, which means that rejection and breakup is not handled well. I therefore suggest you take a look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread.

 

If those discussions ring many bells, I would suggest you reread both of Redhead's posts above. She provides excellent advice for leaving someone who has anger issues and lack of impulse control. I also would suggest you read Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with BPD (Article 9) and Leaving a Partner with BPD (Article 10) at BPDfamily.

 

By the way, OnlyOne, BPDers typically experienced abuse or another trauma before age five, freezing their emotional development at the level of a 3- or 4-year-old child. Hence, if your GF actually does have strong BPD traits, your observation that she acts "like a 5 year old" probably is off by only a year or two.

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Unless some miracle happens, there will defiantly be a scene. She is very immature. She is about to turn 19, I'm 21 and she acts as if she is 13 or even younger. She also took anger management when she was younger.

 

I can't really get drinks with her as she is not 21 and most of the time we drive together, it would be weird if I asked her to drive separate. If we did get drinks it would get to the point of possibly throwing it in my face or breaking something. I could also imagine the possibility of damage to my car.

 

Same goes for doing it at my place. If I did it at her parents house, I could imagine a lot of yelling, throwing, possibly threatening. I then also have to deal with the parents overhearing and having to walk past them.

 

I also believe that I will need to prepare myself for some verbal abuse.

 

You do not have to accept that behavior. What I would suggest now, is that you do go to her house. Ask her to come outside on the front porch or something. Sit her down, deliver your message and walk away.

 

If she behaves that way do not reward it by trying to comfort her. You need to be firm with her. If necessary, I would call the police. Have your cell phone handy. This requires tough love.

 

As sucky as doing it in a phone call would be, in this case, I would support it wholeheartedly.

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theonlyone1
Short answer: OnlyOne, I agree with Redhead's advice -- do the breakup calmly and quickly in a public place, where you can easily slip away if necessary.

 

Long answer: The behaviors you describe -- i.e., event-triggered irrational anger, controlling behavior, lack of impulse control, behaving "like a 5 year old," and throwing temper tantrums -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your GF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she might exhibit moderate to strong traits of it if your descriptions are accurate.

 

I mention this only because, if your GF really does have strong BPD traits, your breakup likely will get very ugly and nasty very quickly. The greatest fear of a BPDer (i.e., person having strong BPD traits) is abandonment, which means that rejection and breakup is not handled well. I therefore suggest you take a look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread.

 

If those discussions ring many bells, I would suggest you reread both of Redhead's posts above. She provides excellent advice for leaving someone who has anger issues and lack of impulse control. I also would suggest you read Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with BPD (Article 9) and Leaving a Partner with BPD (Article 10) at BPDfamily.

 

By the way, OnlyOne, BPDers typically experienced abuse or another trauma before age five, freezing their emotional development at the level of a 3- or 4-year-old child. Hence, if your GF actually does have strong BPD traits, your observation that she acts "like a 5 year old" probably is off by only a year or two.

 

I would say that 80% of those traits she has. I read some of your other posts and do believe I am co dependent and wanted to be the person that "saved" her.

 

I am going to be speaking to my phycologist tomorrow to help me get a plan together and to have someone I can talk to when I feel the guilt and want to go back.

 

To me seeing the person I love burst into tears is just crippling. I've been there and know the pain and hate that I'm the one causing it. I would honestly prefer anger over crying. My family also loved to use guilt with me when I was little so when my spouse uses it, it works very well in getting my attention and I'm sure she knows that.

 

I need to get the break up over with and stay strong enough to stay with it. I suffer from anxiety that I control very well in daily life, but come something like breaking up and I lose it. Just telling my mother today my feelings about breaking up with her left me shaky and very sweaty and with a knot in my stomach. The anxiety does become very crippling and I can only imagine what it will be like when confronting her, something hopefully I can discuss tomorrow.

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theonlyone1

So I finally was able to break up with her. After a fight with her on Thursday basically forcing me to stay at her parents house for the night, I decided it was time to leave. But it didn't end there.

 

After leaving her house I headed over to a bar with my buddy to discuss what happened. She was blowing up my phone but I chose to put it on silent and ignore it. After finally getting the bill and ready to leave, me and my buddy look up to find she has sat down next to us. Mind you I never told her where I was and it was a place I commonly go. As she goes for her phone I noticed she was using "find my iPhone" and using my credentails to find out where I was. She followed me and my buddy to my car, grabbing onto me to keep me from getting in. After about 10 minutes of chasing and her crying, I finally was able to run into my car. This was the last time she heard from me, from here on out is has been only her trying to contact me.

 

The next day, Friday, I wake up to find an email stating she signed into my "iMessage" account on her computer, presumably to see who I am talking to. I of course changed the password and tried to think of as many accounts I could to change the password too. She also tried some more normal ways of getting to me, posting a pic on Facebook which made me block her and liking and old picture of us on Instagram which she is now also blocked.

 

Up to last night she has still not heard from me but what I wake up to is worse. She has logged into another of my accounts, "snapchat", and has also used her cousins Instagram account to look at my "followers" and figured the last girl I added was someone I was talking to. This girls account is private so she used her cousins account to add the girl. After gaining access to the girls profile, I wake up to an email harassing me about how it's embarrassing that I would be talking to someone so ugly.

 

I still haven't responded, not even to that email. At this point I feel like responding would just get the reaction she wanted out of me. I really don't know where to go from here and how far her stalking will go.

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So I finally was able to break up with her. After a fight with her on Thursday basically forcing me to stay at her parents house for the night, I decided it was time to leave. But it didn't end there.

 

After leaving her house I headed over to a bar with my buddy to discuss what happened. She was blowing up my phone but I chose to put it on silent and ignore it. After finally getting the bill and ready to leave, me and my buddy look up to find she has sat down next to us. Mind you I never told her where I was and it was a place I commonly go. As she goes for her phone I noticed she was using "find my iPhone" and using my credentails to find out where I was. She followed me and my buddy to my car, grabbing onto me to keep me from getting in. After about 10 minutes of chasing and her crying, I finally was able to run into my car. This was the last time she heard from me, from here on out is has been only her trying to contact me.

 

The next day, Friday, I wake up to find an email stating she signed into my "iMessage" account on her computer, presumably to see who I am talking to. I of course changed the password and tried to think of as many accounts I could to change the password too. She also tried some more normal ways of getting to me, posting a pic on Facebook which made me block her and liking and old picture of us on Instagram which she is now also blocked.

 

Up to last night she has still not heard from me but what I wake up to is worse. She has logged into another of my accounts, "snapchat", and has also used her cousins Instagram account to look at my "followers" and figured the last girl I added was someone I was talking to. This girls account is private so she used her cousins account to add the girl. After gaining access to the girls profile, I wake up to an email harassing me about how it's embarrassing that I would be talking to someone so ugly.

 

I still haven't responded, not even to that email. At this point I feel like responding would just get the reaction she wanted out of me. I really don't know where to go from here and how far her stalking will go.

 

Do not respond to anything. Don't go to the places you usually go for a while. If she does find you or come to your house, I'd call the police. This is unacceptable and immature behavior that has to be dealt with firmly and without regard for her feelings.

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Don't respond. and try not to worry about the stalking

 

You did the hard part. Now make sure you stick to your guns and stay away. Expect a lot of emotional manipulation from her, stay strong.

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Versacehottie

Don't respond. Know that she will continue, at least for a while, to do things in an attempt to get you to speak to her. You know that's what she wants, right? She is trying to get you two where you are speaking. You know those tantrums you said she has always thrown. Well this is the big one, lol.

 

Ok, here's the good news. You shouldn't be afraid to break up with girls from now on. This is about as bad as it gets. Actually a bad reaction like hers usually makes it easier since you can see you've done the right thing. It's the no reaction where you have self-doubt OR the worst when they are an excellent bf/gf but they are not "the one". Hold strong. Don't allow contact.

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OP, I am sorry you are going through this...but hopefully this is a huge lesson learned that nothing good ever comes from getting involved with *psycho* girls. Except maybe some hot exciting sex at the beginning.

 

Are you and your therapist working on ways to break your co-dependency and addiction to the cray-cray?

 

I hope so!

 

Lesson learned.

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Sounds like you've done everything the right way. Do not respond to her in any way. Stay silent. That will be hard to do but you do have a psychologist to help you.

 

 

Double check she doesn't have access to any of your accounts. She's expressing her hurt and anger and sounds like she's being vindictive.

 

 

Be prepared for more ugliness. Eventually it will die down, but right now you're in the eye of the hurricane. Hang in there and good luck.

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theonlyone1

Thanks for the help.

 

I'm hoping this is the end of it as in the email she mentioned "I'm never going to talk to you again". I'm sure this was just a way of getting me to respond.

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theonlyone1

She's now emailing me tempting me into break up sex. That it will just be "one last time" and how she doesn't expect anything after. She's basically seducing me and sending pics.

 

I'm only human and only so much I can ignore. I've had breakup sex before and it's amazing but the after is what I don't know about. How do I go about this.

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MovingOnIsHard
She's now emailing me tempting me into break up sex. That it will just be "one last time" and how she doesn't expect anything after. She's basically seducing me and sending pics.

 

I'm only human and only so much I can ignore. I've had breakup sex before and it's amazing but the after is what I don't know about. How do I go about this.

 

My last ex had some bpd traits and he tried pulling the same stunt, asking me to meet up with him..

 

Don't respond at all. These types of people cannot stand being alone and are desperate. If you are craving no strings attached sex, you might as well hook up with someone anonymous instead of tour ex. It'll be less stressful.

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Versacehottie
She's now emailing me tempting me into break up sex. That it will just be "one last time" and how she doesn't expect anything after. She's basically seducing me and sending pics.

 

I'm only human and only so much I can ignore. I've had breakup sex before and it's amazing but the after is what I don't know about. How do I go about this.

 

you know it will only start the whole cycle all over again, right? And prolong the "real" break up when you are no longer in contact. Desperate plea and you should be able to resist thinking of how annoying she is. Start living your real life and have some cojones. Guys that stick to their word>>>

 

You will also just be up'ing the ante the next time she wants to get to you. it will get crazier and more persistent. Having a sexy but psycho ex gf that you cave to is nothing to be proud of so stop it now.

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  • 2 weeks later...
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theonlyone1

So its been about 2 1/2 weeks now since we broke up. The first couple of days it was pretty hard as she was constantly texting or calling or trying to find out where I was. Finally I told her that if she doesn't text or call me or try to reach out to me in anyway for 30 days, I would agree to have a conversation with her on the 30th day. I told her don't have an expectations as this wouldn't be a conversation about getting back together but just a catch up to see where we stood. My thinking on this was that hopefully after 30 days she will be able to talk about the break up in a different way and not miss me as much. After telling her this she went from leaving me long emails in the morning to not hearing from her at all which is what I thought I wanted.

 

At first it was great, I was enjoying being alone and being able to do whatever wanted. Then slowly I started having dreams about her and missing the emails she would send me. Finally about 3 day ago, I guess it finally hit me or something because I began to feel like ****. After breaking up I made sure to block her on everything so neither of us could see what the other was doing but I missed one thing, one of her old friends on snap chat. I'm not sure if she did it on purpose but I saw her with her friends and instantly started to miss what we had.

 

Basically I'm at the point now where I kind of want back in. I know how bad she is for me so I'm using every last bit of my energy into making sure I don't text her or reach out to her. I had a one night stand a couple of days ago with some girl but still fantasize about meeting up with my ex. I don't know what keeps this strong urge to go back to her, she was never the most attractive girl, far from ugly but I could do better. She was the type that looked great when going out, which is where I met her, but then just looked ok when all the makeup and going out clothes came off. She also put on about 15 pounds since we started dating. There are so many negatives, emotional abuse, drinking problem, anger, selfishness, manipulation, and so much more but all I can focus on are the good times. When it was good, it was good, we would get along great, she was caring, thoughtful, understanding and we could talk for hours and laugh all night. I've had girlfriends in the past and I've never met a girl that understood me so well and that had so many things in common. But I've also never met a girl that could go from being so nice to hurting the person she loved.

 

I really wish I could believe all of those emails she sent me that stating how shes going to change, let me go out with my friends, drink less, not be emotionally abusive, and all that but I know deep down she'll never change. At least not without years of dedication and therapy and I don't think I want to stick around for that.

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Versacehottie

I really wish I could believe all of those emails she sent me that stating how shes going to change, let me go out with my friends, drink less, not be emotionally abusive, and all that but I know deep down she'll never change. At least not without years of dedication and therapy and I don't think I want to stick around for that.

 

Focus on this and keep keep reminding yourself!!! I think the drama got you hooked and the only real thing you said that I agree is hard to move on from is that you felt she understood you so well. You are 21. You will find that quality in someone else who has the other good qualities along with it. There is so much more out there.

 

I can tell you have your stuff together. Why waste that on someone who will only bring you down and wreck what you are working hard for? Believe me if you keep looking you will find someone who makes you look good in public with her actions AND isn't a drain on you and supports all your dreams. It is possible. Keep having little ONS' if it helps you get through this. I don't think that will really help other than here and there. If anything, non-connected hookups will make you miss her. That said, maybe it will satisfy an urge. I think you need to get way into a hobby, fitness or hanging out with your friends to use up all your free time. You need to fill your life so that you will see her real contribution to it in context. Her contribution is awful if you really put it up against what your life's potential is. Good luck

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theonlyone1
Focus on this and keep keep reminding yourself!!! I think the drama got you hooked and the only real thing you said that I agree is hard to move on from is that you felt she understood you so well. You are 21. You will find that quality in someone else who has the other good qualities along with it. There is so much more out there.

 

I can tell you have your stuff together. Why waste that on someone who will only bring you down and wreck what you are working hard for? Believe me if you keep looking you will find someone who makes you look good in public with her actions AND isn't a drain on you and supports all your dreams. It is possible. Keep having little ONS' if it helps you get through this. I don't think that will really help other than here and there. If anything, non-connected hookups will make you miss her. That said, maybe it will satisfy an urge. I think you need to get way into a hobby, fitness or hanging out with your friends to use up all your free time. You need to fill your life so that you will see her real contribution to it in context. Her contribution is awful if you really put it up against what your life's potential is. Good luck

 

Thanks for your support and I agree with the one night stands, it does make it worse. At the moment it gets rid of an urge but in the end your left feeling empty and wanting more from the person you loved. And yes it must be the drama because even after looking at a pro/cons list with the cons being more than twice as long, part of me still feels a need and more than any drug ever has. I would love to get back into my hobbies but the constant fight of telling my mind its wrong in wanting to get back has me laying on the couch and not wanting to get up.

 

There was just too much take and not enough give on her part.

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