The unfairness of this

[oberkeat]

I can't get over the unfairness of this. My best friend didn't really have do to any work to find his wife. He met her at work, she was giving him signals and basically fell into his lap. Meanwhile, I'm having to bust my ass just to even encounter women, putting myself out there repeatedly, doing OLD, going out of tons of dates, with no luck finding someone who's interested in a relationship. It doesn't make sense that I have to work so much harder to find a single woman who's interested in me, while for some people, it's as easy as cake.

Edited July 6, 2015 by oberkeat

[Els]

And there are plenty of people in the world who don't have a computer, or access to the internet, or even running water or a guaranteed dinner despite busting their ass doing manual labour 16 hours a day.

 

Some people will be luckier than you and some will be less lucky. You can either spend your life griping about this, or try and change the variables that you DO have control over by making use of the good fortune you already have. Your choice.

[kendahke]

re-read your post and imagine a woman saying the same thing. What would your response to her be?

 

Begrudging others happiness is not good policy... wishing them well is far better. Everything has a season. Peaches can't grow in the February freeze.

 

In the grand scheme of things, it's life and life is not fair. Just because your boy found his wife with ease doesn't mean that their marriage is going to be an easy, happy ride for either of them. Things may go down and it'll be hard as eff to get rid of her without him coming up off of 15 lbs of flesh.

 

Just be happy for your boy... that will do far more for you than you being bitter over what you seem to feel you're owed.

Edited July 6, 2015 by kendahke

[kendahke]

Also, you're not just looking for a single woman.

 

You want her to look a certain way, you want her to have a certain level of education and professional accomplishment, you want her to be clean, most likely no children, no bad credit and you want her to have the discipline and ability to be faithful with no need of attention from other men.

 

So let's be honest here: you do have a list of things that must be met before you will seriously enter into a relationship---and there's nothing wrong with that, but you have to also own that when you narrow the field, you're going to be waiting a long time for the exact person to materialize and if they do, there still may be a deal breaker they bring along in their baggage.

 

Perhaps if you eased up on your preferences, you might find a wonderful woman who will love you with all of her heart and soul.

[d0nnivain]

It just happens that way. Many of my friends got married in our early to mid-20s but I have some friends who still aren't married. I was 39 when I met DH & over 40 when we married. It's just life & it's not always fair.

[Redhead14]

I can't get over the unfairness of this. My best friend didn't really have do to any work to find his wife. He met her at work, she was giving him signals and basically fell into his lap. Meanwhile, I'm having to bust my ass just to even encounter women, putting myself out there repeatedly, doing OLD, going out of tons of dates, with no luck finding someone who's interested in a relationship. It doesn't make sense that I have to work so much harder to find a single woman who's interested in me, while for some people, it's as easy as cake.

 

If it's feeling like so much work right now, it's probably a good time to stop focusing on it. When you're in this frame of mind, you're perhaps coming across as too eager without even realizing it.

 

Sometimes when you step back and take the pressure off of yourself, you actually have better success. Oftentimes, it just happens and when you're least expecting it or even looking for it.

 

Focus on yourself and your needs at the moment. And, your friend probably went through the same thing your going through. He didn't just one day say hey, I"m gonna get into a relationship today . . . And, he was at work -- probably not even thinking about it. It just happened.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I am in the same boat.

 

I never met single men by accident or just going about my life. Yet other people met and married their partners by "not looking for them". Some also found intense connections with others through their marriage. When they became single again, they would only struggle with "oh is it too soon to jump into another serious relationship?" question. These people are not even that attractive or that smart or that anything. If I could find one common trait among them, it's that they were all extroverts. They had a way of making people feel comfortable around them.

 

I don't think there is that much you can do really. Either you have "it" or you don't. Spending energy on what is "fair" is futile.

[oberkeat]

Just be happy for your boy... that will do far more for you than you being bitter over what you seem to feel you're owed.

 

I said nothing about feeling owed. I'm just tired of putting so much effort and money into dating and having nothing to show for it. That's what sucks.

[Vintage79]

I said nothing about feeling owed. I'm just tired of putting so much effort and money into dating and having nothing to show for it. That's what sucks.

 

Just change your dating style - it can cost a lot, but you can also do it so it's almost free.

 

That said, what's your hit rate for 2+ dates - i.e. if you went on 10 first dates, how many would translate into second dates, how many into 3rd dates, etc.

 

I ask, as if you don't have a 50%+ rate for second dates (i.e. 5+ out of 10), you're likely doing something weird/wrong/odd, that's scaring them away, so you may want to try to figure out what to change. If you're second date rate is pretty high, you're doing a great job, just give it time...just try not to be overly selective - after a few dates, most people are usually a bit different, more fun, etc., as the nerves get weened out of their systems.

[Gaeta]

And I am also in the same boat as you.

 

Sure my friends have met their bf quickly but let me tell you, they put up with a lot of crap I wouldn't !!

 

I prefer taking my time and be with the right person than to be with <a person>.

 

When I meet him he's going to be so special everyone will know why I waited so long for him to come along :-)

[d0nnivain]

I said nothing about feeling owed. I'm just tired of putting so much effort and money into dating and having nothing to show for it. That's what sucks.

 

 

So how can we help you to date smarter? Have you ever looked for a pattern in the dates you chose? You are the common denominator. What similarities do your dates have? Perhaps you can identify the problem.

 

 

Also what kind of dates are you going on? Perhaps we can help you find more economical ones

[toscaroscura]

I also have to "bust my ass" to find compatible men. Aside from my ex husband, who I met in high school and just ended up sticking with, no other relationship has come easy for me. Also none has lasted beyond a couple months.

 

I'm still single.

 

I get these feelings, I do. Sometimes I'm just like "WHAT THE HECK UNIVERSE", but people are right, becoming someone who begrudges other people's happiness is an ugly thing to become.

[Satu]

I can't get over the unfairness of this. My best friend didn't really have do to any work to find his wife. He met her at work, she was giving him signals and basically fell into his lap. Meanwhile, I'm having to bust my ass just to even encounter women, putting myself out there repeatedly, doing OLD, going out of tons of dates, with no luck finding someone who's interested in a relationship. It doesn't make sense that I have to work so much harder to find a single woman who's interested in me, while for some people, it's as easy as cake.

 

 

To be happy, be happy with what you have to be happy with.

[oberkeat]

Just change your dating style - it can cost a lot, but you can also do it so it's almost free.

 

That said, what's your hit rate for 2+ dates - i.e. if you went on 10 first dates, how many would translate into second dates, how many into 3rd dates, etc.

 

I ask, as if you don't have a 50%+ rate for second dates (i.e. 5+ out of 10), you're likely doing something weird/wrong/odd, that's scaring them away, so you may want to try to figure out what to change. If you're second date rate is pretty high, you're doing a great job, just give it time...just try not to be overly selective - after a few dates, most people are usually a bit different, more fun, etc., as the nerves get weened out of their systems.

 

Of the last 9 dates I had, only 2 translated to second dates (about 20%). Of course, not all of those were women I wanted a second date with. Maybe two or three were girls that I really liked enough to see again. 7 of the 9 were girls I met online.

 

So how can we help you to date smarter? Have you ever looked for a pattern in the dates you chose? You are the common denominator. What similarities do your dates have? Perhaps you can identify the problem.

 

 

Also what kind of dates are you going on? Perhaps we can help you find more economical ones

 

We just meet for a drink or dinner at a public place and we chat. (The last time, I let the girl choose, so we went too a sushi bar, then went to a coffee shop). I pretty much keep the conversation on them. I ask about their life, what kinds of things they're into, their families, their aspirations, their disappointments, etc. Finding out what's made them who they are. I pay for both of us every time, just because I'm the one who asks them out. The dates usually end with a kiss, but maybe that should be saved for the 3rd or 4th date. I don't know.

Edited July 6, 2015 by oberkeat

[d0nnivain]

You need some planning. Pick a few local places by you that are inexpensive. Take 1st & 2nd dates there. Plan active dates like hiking with a picnic or playing a sport, assuming you & she have the equipment. It's summer. Look around for free outdoor concerts or movies under the stars.

 

 

I like early kisses & was about to dump DH when he hadn't kissed me by our 3rd date.

 

 

What other traits do the women themselves have in common with each other? I'm trying to get you to do a gut check to make sure you are not always asking out the same type of inappropriate women.

[gaius]

The fact that she felt motivated to give him signals in the first place means he had some level of skill with women. Which is usually something that's developed, not just bestowed. So at the end of the day you're getting mad at the guy for working at it while you haven't. Like complaining a bodybuilder got muscles and you didn't.

 

In short, instead of just swinging and missing at pitches endlessly why don't you try working on your swing.

[kendahke]

I said nothing about feeling owed. I'm just tired of putting so much effort and money into dating and having nothing to show for it. That's what sucks.

 

 

That's life. We don't always get what we want.

 

I've been single for 5 years and the 3 guys I have met during this time ended up not wanting a relationship with me. They aren't the one I need in my life, so it's best that it doesn't work out. I can handle being alone until the right man comes along and I don't begrudge anyone else who finds love when they walk out their door in the morning.

 

You might want to adopt a different frame of mind because how you think brings about what manifests in your life. This isn't too much different than that thread talking about the bitterness of one woman's profile. If all you have is frustrated, miffed energy because you think someone should return interest because of all that you say you're doing, then you're putting out a vibe that women are picking up on and steering clear of.

[deathandtaxes]

Don't fret, OP. So your friend found his wife quick. Good for him. But I'll tell you this, being married and staying married is hard work. I'll say it's as hard or harder than dating.

 

That being said, you sound a bit burned out. Why not take a break and not worry about dating for a while?

[Satu]

Focus on something else for a while.

 

Set yourself some other challenges.

 

Come back to dating when you've made yourself feel good by other means.

[Versacehottie]

You have to change your thinking. When I see someone close to me have or get something I want, it's evidence to me that it's possible for me and I am happy.

 

Every once in a while, it can be frustrating, of course, to feel like "why not me?", "why not yet". Give those thoughts the briefest of moments and then jump back to believing it's possible. Be proactive and figure out what they did and try to apply in your own life. Guaranteed a positive outlook helps one find a relationship. It's attractive and keeps you going in spite of limited success---and that's what you need to find the right person. Good luck.

[empresario]

Two points...

 

 

First, and take this with the utmost best intentions...who do you think you are? Nothing in life is easy. Being jealous is not becoming. You're better than that. We are not the special snowflakes our parents told us that we are as Gen Y-ers.

 

 

Secondly, you are only as lucky as the situations in which you place yourself. Sometimes you have to stop pointing fingers at everyone else around you and start pointing them back at yourself. Don't try to create the world you see as perfect...change yourself to be happy within the world that already exists.

[losangelena]

OP, I feel you. I met 30 men in the last couple of years before I met my bf. And I'm going to be 35 in a few weeks; had never seriously dated before. I'm nowhere near decided if he's the man I'm going to marry, but even finding him meant turning over a bunch of rocks. And even if I wasn't the one paying for the dates, there was still a serious investment of time, of money on upkeep of clothes, hair, appearance in general. It was hard to stave off feelings of "unfairness," of wondering why I waited so long to start looking, etc. Even if I dreaded the idea of going on one more date, I still went because, I never knew if that guy would end up being "the one."

 

For some, it's easy; for some it will take longer. Hopefully while you're looking, you're at least learning about yourself. The process of dating can be very enlightening if you let it. I landed back in therapy and basically questioned my entire belief system because I started dating. I never anticipated that. I learned that some friends were cool with me changing and growing, and some were quite resistant. It's interesting to write all this down, because besides finding myself in a different life circumstance (that is, in a relationship), I think my mindset has changed quite a bit, too. All to say, that even if the dating process seems unending and fruitless, a lot of good can come from it outside of a relationship.

[oberkeat]

Don't fret, OP. So your friend found his wife quick. Good for him. But I'll tell you this, being married and staying married is hard work. I'll say it's as hard or harder than dating.

 

That being said, you sound a bit burned out. Why not take a break and not worry about dating for a while?

 

You're probably right. The only emotions I feel about dating in general right now are doubt and disappointment. Probably time to take a break.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

I can't get over the unfairness of this. My best friend didn't really have do to any work to find his wife. He met her at work, she was giving him signals and basically fell into his lap. Meanwhile, I'm having to bust my ass just to even encounter women, putting myself out there repeatedly, doing OLD, going out of tons of dates, with no luck finding someone who's interested in a relationship. It doesn't make sense that I have to work so much harder to find a single woman who's interested in me, while for some people, it's as easy as cake.

Life is not meant to be fair apparently