My fiance wants me to be clingy and chase him around.

[Tired10]

My fiance and I have been together for 2 years, and got engaged 2 months ago. We're both extremely sensitive people, so our relationship has been quite difficult at times. My boyfriend has always felt that I don't love him enough because we both have different standards of loving. He likes to text 24/7, have good night calls every single night, starts to feel 'disconnected' if we both have busy schedules, gets really insecure, etc. I'm an insecure girl as well, but I personally don't feel the need for the both of us to cling onto each other at all times. I don't show my affection by suffocating him with my love - something he longs for and defines as 'love.' I know he's had really clingy ex-gfs, so he thinks ALL girls are like that, and if they aren't then they don't love him as much.

 

In addition to this, I can't seem to tell him something without him taking it personally. For an example, I once told him that my co-worker got accepted to med school, and I was really happy for him. My fiancee got extremely upset, and mad because he felt I was rubbing the accomplishments of other men in his face - and caused him to feel like he hasn't accomplished anything. Also, I've recently been suffering from severe depression - I told this to my fiancee and he got upset and started going all "how do you think it makes me feel knowing my partner is depressed?" and took my depression as me not being happy with him.

 

Anyway, you get the jist.

 

A couple of days ago my fiance told me that he his mom was upset at him for something silly. I told him she was just frustrated and would be okay as it was nothing serious. The next day, I talk to my fiance normally, but he starts ignoring me. I tell him I love you and to tell me how his mom is doing, and he ignores that as well. So yesterday, I finally asked him why he was mad. He responds with "Do you need anything from me?" And I respond with, "What does that mean? Why are you ignoring me?" and he says "I need time alone." So I simply said to him "Okay, I won't bother you." and we havn't spoken since. Knowing my fiance, I know he wants me to chase him around, be all clingy (because to him that is love) - but I do not want to do that because that's not my personality. If I tell someone to leave me alone, I expect that. My fiance, however, has different standards.

 

Should I take this "I need time alone" as a break-up? He seems to be fine posting things on his facebook and what not - and I'm surprised he hasn't deleted me yet (considering that he has a tendency to delete me off social media whenever he's super mad). How do I deal with a man like this?

[Fleur de cactus]

Sorry you are here. This is a serious issue. He is punishing by silence. Unless you want to live your life like this, If I was you , I could end this relationship. He is needy, and will make your life a living hell. Just run.

[Rejected Rosebud]

I really really hope you will take advantage of this time to think about what it would be like to have a marriage like this, forever, and to raise kids in it ... sounds really bad.

[Gary S]

He does not understand what most men don't understand - you need him simply because you love him. Have a talk with him. It would also help if you praised him and gave him some more admiration. After all, there is no one else quite like him in the world, right?

 

Wow, I'm starting to sound like redhead

[BluEyeL]

Definitely you should get rid of him. Who you marry is the single most important decision of your life. I didn't listen to my gut feelings about my ex husband and I married him only to end up alone and with a 6 years old boy he hasn't helped raise, 14 years later. Don't make that mistake. Find a man who, above all, is emotionally stable and kind.

[kendahke]

I wouldn't waste my time praising or admiring bad, immature behavior.

 

If he wants to be gone, then let him be gone. He needs to grow up a whole lot and you aren't his mother. BluEyeL is right--you need someone who is way more emotionally stable than this guy.

[Redhead14]

My fiance and I have been together for 2 years, and got engaged 2 months ago. We're both extremely sensitive people, so our relationship has been quite difficult at times. My boyfriend has always felt that I don't love him enough because we both have different standards of loving. He likes to text 24/7, have good night calls every single night, starts to feel 'disconnected' if we both have busy schedules, gets really insecure, etc. I'm an insecure girl as well, but I personally don't feel the need for the both of us to cling onto each other at all times. I don't show my affection by suffocating him with my love - something he longs for and defines as 'love.' I know he's had really clingy ex-gfs, so he thinks ALL girls are like that, and if they aren't then they don't love him as much.

 

In addition to this, I can't seem to tell him something without him taking it personally. For an example, I once told him that my co-worker got accepted to med school, and I was really happy for him. My fiancee got extremely upset, and mad because he felt I was rubbing the accomplishments of other men in his face - and caused him to feel like he hasn't accomplished anything. Also, I've recently been suffering from severe depression - I told this to my fiancee and he got upset and started going all "how do you think it makes me feel knowing my partner is depressed?" and took my depression as me not being happy with him.

 

Anyway, you get the jist.

 

A couple of days ago my fiance told me that he his mom was upset at him for something silly. I told him she was just frustrated and would be okay as it was nothing serious. The next day, I talk to my fiance normally, but he starts ignoring me. I tell him I love you and to tell me how his mom is doing, and he ignores that as well. So yesterday, I finally asked him why he was mad. He responds with "Do you need anything from me?" And I respond with, "What does that mean? Why are you ignoring me?" and he says "I need time alone." So I simply said to him "Okay, I won't bother you." and we havn't spoken since. Knowing my fiance, I know he wants me to chase him around, be all clingy (because to him that is love) - but I do not want to do that because that's not my personality. If I tell someone to leave me alone, I expect that. My fiance, however, has different standards.

 

Should I take this "I need time alone" as a break-up? He seems to be fine posting things on his facebook and what not - and I'm surprised he hasn't deleted me yet (considering that he has a tendency to delete me off social media whenever he's super mad). How do I deal with a man like this?

 

When a man tells you he needs space, you become NASA. He can contact Houston when he figures out his problem or when he realizes that he has another problem. Don't reach out to him for any reason. Let him come to you. You focus on yourself and your needs and reflect on how this situation is making YOU feel and whether or not you can tolerate this behavior in the future.

 

Stay out of his head and don't analyze him. Stay in your own head, get focused and centered. Don't pull away from him too. You stay anchored and receptive for now until he contacts you and is ready to talk. You're right you don't know if it's a break up yet so don't do anything to pre-empt him. If it's a break up, you'll know because he won't contact you for quite some time if at all. If it's two weeks, will you even want to stay with him? When you lose that connection, it's hard to rebuild . . .

 

I know he wants me to chase him around, be all clingy (because to him that is love) That not about showing your love for him, that's him trying to control you and know exactly what you're doing, where you're at, etc.

 

This man doesn't sound like good relationship material for anyone, let alone you, given the things you yourself deals with and how you deal with things.

 

Take this "alone" time for yourself too. Think about how the relationship is making you feel. Is he meeting your needs overall for a happy healthy relationship? Be strong and independent. Don't let yourself become a doormat. Guys who do this kind of thing usually do it a number of times. It's very difficult for the partner. It's selfish.

[Redhead14]

He does not understand what most men don't understand - you need him simply because you love him. Have a talk with him. It would also help if you praised him and gave him some more admiration. After all, there is no one else quite like him in the world, right?

 

Wow, I'm starting to sound like redhead

 

Gary, in this particular scenario, I'm not all in about bolstering the ego of this particular guy. But, you're right, I am usually more "forgiving". She didn't post one-single thing about this guy that gives him even one +1 for her to accept this behavior

[Redhead14]

When a man tells you he needs space, you become NASA. He can contact Houston when he figures out his problem or when he realizes that he has another problem. Don't reach out to him for any reason. Let him come to you. You focus on yourself and your needs and reflect on how this situation is making YOU feel and whether or not you can tolerate this behavior in the future.

 

Stay out of his head and don't analyze him. Stay in your own head, get focused and centered. Don't pull away from him too. You stay anchored and receptive for now until he contacts you and is ready to talk. You're right you don't know if it's a break up yet so don't do anything to pre-empt him. If it's a break up, you'll know because he won't contact you for quite some time if at all. If it's two weeks, will you even want to stay with him? When you lose that connection, it's hard to rebuild . . .

 

I know he wants me to chase him around, be all clingy (because to him that is love) That not about showing your love for him, that's him trying to control you and know exactly what you're doing, where you're at, etc.

 

This man doesn't sound like good relationship material for anyone, let alone you, given the things you yourself deals with and how you deal with things.

 

Take this "alone" time for yourself too. Think about how the relationship is making you feel. Is he meeting your needs overall for a happy healthy relationship? Be strong and independent. Don't let yourself become a doormat. Guys who do this kind of thing usually do it a number of times. It's very difficult for the partner. It's selfish.

 

I know he wants me to chase him around, be all clingy (because to him that is love) That not about showing your love for him, that's him trying to control you and know exactly what you're doing, where you're at, etc.

 

He insecure, right? What do you want when you're feeling insecure? Usually you want answers and to feel you have some sense of control . . .

[Redhead14]

And, I'm only advising her this way now because it's a 2 year relationship including engagement. If they weren't engaged, I'd tell her to bail right now. But, they are committed to at least attempt to work out issues like this before marriage. If it can't resolved mutually, then she should bail anyway.

[Els]

What a drama queen he is. You can't even tell him your coworker got accepted into med school or tell him that things with his mom will be okay, without him making a HUGE mountain out of a molehill and taking it out on you? I can't imagine living with this guy for the long term - you're going to be walking on eggshells all the time!

 

Please seriously reconsider being with this guy.

[d0nnivain]

Since you love him enough to accept his proposal, I'm not going to tell you to straight up dump him but I am going to recommend you have an extremely long engagement. During the next year without putting down any deposits (because wedding deposits are generally non-refundable) get some pre-marital counseling. He needs to grow up & get more secure. You need to be a bit more loving. While I'm a fairly independent person who can't stand 24/7 texting, a daily good night call to you FI is very reasonable. I don't understand why you are unwilling to talk to somebody you are willing to marry every day. If he doesn't get more secure, then you end the engagement but right now give him a chance to improve while the two of you work together to build a better foundation.

[Tired10]

Definitely you should get rid of him. Who you marry is the single most important decision of your life. I didn't listen to my gut feelings about my ex husband and I married him only to end up alone and with a 6 years old boy he hasn't helped raise, 14 years later. Don't make that mistake. Find a man who, above all, is emotionally stable and kind.

 

Thank you for everybody's responses, I really appreciate all the advice.

 

I had originally thought he was really kind, and way more affectionate and loving than the 'average' male which is why I think I was attracted to him. But the problem with him being THAT affectionate and loving is that he wants the EXACT same in return, and if he doesn't receive the same amount in return he doesn't feel valued, reassured, wanted etc.

[Tired10]

Since you love him enough to accept his proposal, I'm not going to tell you to straight up dump him but I am going to recommend you have an extremely long engagement. During the next year without putting down any deposits (because wedding deposits are generally non-refundable) get some pre-marital counseling. He needs to grow up & get more secure. You need to be a bit more loving. While I'm a fairly independent person who can't stand 24/7 texting, a daily good night call to you FI is very reasonable. I don't understand why you are unwilling to talk to somebody you are willing to marry every day. If he doesn't get more secure, then you end the engagement but right now give him a chance to improve while the two of you work together to build a better foundation.

 

Thank you for your response.

 

I do not mind talking to him everyday, or the goodnight calls. I initiate many of them, and give him random calls throughout the day as well. We meet often as well - the only times we don't is when our schedules don't match (this causes him to get all frustrated, and there isn't much I can do) To be very honest, my social circle has decreased considerably since I met him because I don't get THAT much free time, and when I do have free time, I need to make sure it's spent with him (I enjoy it too, but also because he'll feel 'upset' if I don't) When I DO need to make other plans with other friends once in a blue moon, I make sure to ask him first so that he doesn't get upset. I be affectionate and loving as well (just not the way he is...) Why do I have to meet HIS strandard of loving for him to feel loved? I can't meet his standard because I would literally have to have my life revolve around HIM and ONLY him (even though it almost does) - as he revolves his life around mine.

 

I agree about the long engagement.. I already have that in mind. In fact we were having numerous fights even prior to the engagement. So when I was expecting the proposal, I spoke to him about how we should take some time to solve our own problems before making a bigger commitment - but of course this caused him to become very angry/defensive... and to prevent all that drama, we got engaged.

[Tired10]

I know he wants me to chase him around, be all clingy (because to him that is love) That not about showing your love for him, that's him trying to control you and know exactly what you're doing, where you're at, etc.

 

He insecure, right? What do you want when you're feeling insecure? Usually you want answers and to feel you have some sense of control . . .

 

I'm not sure what it is anymore. I just know that if I'm not chasing him despite him saying 'I need alone time' when/if we do start talking again, the first thing he's going to say is that "I didn't even bother to continue asking him what's wrong, I don't care about him, I didn't fight for him, I don't love him enough etc etc."

[d0nnivain]

I spoke to him about how we should take some time to solve our own problems before making a bigger commitment - but of course this caused him to become very angry/defensive... and to prevent all that drama, we got engaged.

 

I can't think of too many worse reasons to get engaged or married. Re-read what you wrote. You did not agree to his proposal because you love him with your whole heart & soul & can't bear to spend your life without him. You got engaged solely because you didn't want to deal with his issues. I take it back. Get out now.

[BluEyeL]

You said kind in one sentence, but that he's getting angry in another one. That simply doesn't sound good.

 

My ex was similar, he was extremely affectionate, nobody will ever get close to him in my life in that respect, but AFTER marriage he'd get angry, throw things, yell at me for whatever reasons, hit our son for spilling milk and stupid stuff like that, be extremely jeealous of mine or everyone else's success and overall...a nightmare.

 

I agree with the above poster, make it a very long engagement.

[Tired10]

Gary, in this particular scenario, I'm not all in about bolstering the ego of this particular guy. But, you're right, I am usually more "forgiving". She didn't post one-single thing about this guy that gives him even one +1 for her to accept this behavior

 

I would say that he isn't a bad guy otherwise... He's smart, we have good conversations, he's attentive, we have the same morals&values - things I don't feel like I'll find in anyone else.

 

The only problem is that he constantly needs to feel reassured, validated, chased around etc. He has anger issues (throwing things around, putting me down during arguments)

 

Something else that concerns me about this 'alone time' of his is that from when I've known him he's cut off MANY good friends. Like best friends, and even cousins for no reason at all. He seemingly has a very easy time just cutting people off from his life. In times of anger, he's even expressed how he doesn't even need his mom and he could care less if she walks out of his life (and THIS is a single mother who raised him all by herself) And it's always made me worried that if he can cut out people SO easily (and if people don't make that effort to chase him around - as per his own words) then he will easily get rid of them. Makes me wonder... if this alone time is also a means to cut me off?

[toscaroscura]

I would say that he isn't a bad guy otherwise... He's smart, we have good conversations, he's attentive, we have the same morals&values - things I don't feel like I'll find in anyone else.

 

The only problem is that he constantly needs to feel reassured, validated, chased around etc. He has anger issues (throwing things around, putting me down during arguments)

 

Something else that concerns me about this 'alone time' of his is that from when I've known him he's cut off MANY good friends. Like best friends, and even cousins for no reason at all. He seemingly has a very easy time just cutting people off from his life. In times of anger, he's even expressed how he doesn't even need his mom and he could care less if she walks out of his life (and THIS is a single mother who raised him all by herself) And it's always made me worried that if he can cut out people SO easily (and if people don't make that effort to chase him around - as per his own words) then he will easily get rid of them. Makes me wonder... if this alone time is also a means to cut me off?

 

 

This is a classic example of your gut talking to you. LISTEN to it! Your gut is wise and correct!

 

Also, throwing things and fighting dirty in arguments is straight-up abuse. It is often a precursor to one day turning that rage on YOU (or your kids).

 

My personal opinion is, his extreme affection has nothing to do with you or his love for you. It's firstly an expression of his extreme insecurity, and second a means of roping you back in when you start to question the relationship.

 

The angry, silent, controlling, violent, moody, jealous, insulting guy is the REAL him.

[RainDown]

Just....no. This boy is not ready to be in a relationship with anyone, much less engaged or married. He is not an adult yet.

[Fleur de cactus]

Last night I was very tired I did not write much. Seriously, you have to rethink of your commitment to this young man who is acting like an angry boy. I am sure you are hesitant to end this relationship. However, think it over, his behavior are pushing others away. It will come time it will be only him and you. Your own friends too will retreat slowly because of him. You started to see the red flags already! You don't have time to meet with your friends!! Wait until you are married living together. We are telling you what we have been through already. If you want to give a shot. It is your choice. If you cannot end it, at least be engaged for a long time, don't married him, it will be very hard for you. Goof luck.

[Redhead14]

I'm not sure what it is anymore. I just know that if I'm not chasing him despite him saying 'I need alone time' when/if we do start talking again, the first thing he's going to say is that "I didn't even bother to continue asking him what's wrong, I don't care about him, I didn't fight for him, I don't love him enough etc etc."

 

It doesn't matter what he thinks about why you aren't reaching out to him. What's important is how what he is doing to you makes YOU feel. It's makes you feel unloved, insecure, unimportant, insignificant.

 

Get out of his head and focus on yourself. This is the best thing you can do for both of you.

[Redhead14]

Something else that concerns me about this 'alone time' of his is that from when I've known him he's cut off MANY good friends. Like best friends, and even cousins for no reason at all. He seemingly has a very easy time just cutting people off from his life. In times of anger, he's even expressed how he doesn't even need his mom and he could care less if she walks out of his life (and THIS is a single mother who raised him all by herself) And it's always made me worried that if he can cut out people SO easily (and if people don't make that effort to chase him around - as per his own words) then he will easily get rid of them. Makes me wonder... if this alone time is also a means to cut me off?

 

This revelation is huge. This by itself makes me want to tell you that you should end the relationship. He will do this over and over with you if you do get back together. This is all about control and lack of emotional connection.

 

His childhood history as presented above indicates an attachment disorder. he doesn't even need his mom and he could care less if she walks out of his life. This is rooted in early childhood and makes it almost impossible for them to establish strong emotional connections. What happened with his father, did he abandon the relationship or pass away? Or, did they divorce? Was the father active in his life at all? Was the mother emotionally stable and provide at least the basic care and attention a child needs? If that was lacking, it started there.

 

Seriously consider your history with him up to this point. There are more things than you mentioned in your original post to focus on. I seriously doubt that he has been meeting your needs on very many if any levels and you have been overlooking them or sweeping them under the carpet.

[katiegrl]

This is a classic example of your gut talking to you. LISTEN to it! Your gut is wise and correct!

 

Also, throwing things and fighting dirty in arguments is straight-up abuse. It is often a precursor to one day turning that rage on YOU (or your kids).

 

My personal opinion is, his extreme affection has nothing to do with you or his love for you. It's firstly an expression of his extreme insecurity, and second a means of roping you back in when you start to question the relationship.

 

The angry, silent, controlling, violent, moody, jealous, insulting guy is the REAL him.

 

Absolutely agree with this ^^^.

 

Any man who gets upset, mad, throws fits, becomes jealous, punishes, goes silent and withdraws (as he is doing now)....in an attempt to get you to become clingy and chase him ..... is a manipulator and controller, period.

 

He even manipulated you into agreeing to marry him by getting angry, throwing fits and causing drama.......can't you see that?

 

And he is manipulating you again NOW by withdrawing and going silent.... hoping to throw you so off balance and become insecure yourself .....so you get clingy and start chasing him!

 

Yes he IS insecure, as most manipulators and controllers *are*....which is precisely why they need to manipulate.... to gain control! Over the situation and YOU!

 

Instead if trying to figure out HIS behavior.....a better idea would be to figure out YOUR behavior and why in the world you are choosing to remain in this toxic relationship... with an extremely dysfunctional man..

 

Is this how you want to live for the rest of your life????

 

Pls reconsider marrying him.....and even staying with him at all.

 

An engagement is the time to assess and determine if this person is someone with whom you want to spend your with.

 

You are not "committed" to try and work it out....not when someone (like him) is so glaringly dysfunctional....

 

Pls get out....?

[BluEyeL]

This is a classic example of your gut talking to you. LISTEN to it! Your gut is wise and correct!

 

Also, throwing things and fighting dirty in arguments is straight-up abuse. It is often a precursor to one day turning that rage on YOU (or your kids).

 

My personal opinion is, his extreme affection has nothing to do with you or his love for you. It's firstly an expression of his extreme insecurity, and second a means of roping you back in when you start to question the relationship.

 

The angry, silent, controlling, violent, moody, jealous, insulting guy is the REAL him.

This is play by play exactly how my marriage was. This is like describing me and my ex. Look in the future. Not going to end pretty. Much better off letting go and you absolutely can find someone better. I did.