tinydancer324 Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 For the last 5/6 weeks I've been corresponding regularly with an amazing guy. We've only been out 3 times because there's been a lot of travel for both of us, and he has a kid and a new business startup and a crazy life. Our 3rd date had to be rescheduled because he had a serious cancer scare. Throughout all this, it's been really great and we've been communicating. It is the most intense and fun physical, intellectual, and emotional match I've ever had in my life, and to top it off we found out we have mutual friends and interests and there have been other cosmic-feeling coincidences around the whole thing. We haven't had sex, though we did have one intimate night (2nd date) when I could tell he was smitten, he kept calling me beautiful, etc. So on our 3rd date, I was stressed about whether to sleep with him but now it seems that's not what I should worry about. He had squeezed me in and only had an hour before he had to get up at 5am and then work the entire 4th of July weekend for a crazy work project (and last-minute had to take the kid). I didn't realize he had such a brief period of time to hang out. We were having such a flirty, romantic time, kissing and laughing, and when he had to go I got kind of pouty. I kept saying I just really wanted to hang out with him more, etc. He has more travel coming up this summer and basically said he's not in a position to dive in. Some encouraging things he said were: "I'm going to say something profound: There's no rush." "I'm not going anywhere." "I like you tremendously." And when he was complaining about his life I said something to the effect of "I would be good for you" and he said "I know." But I'm worried that I might have taken it too far when I said at the end "this could be so good." He held my hand and kissed me goodbye and said we'd talk tomorrow and now it's been 2-3 days. I can only imagine how hard it must be to be in his position, but I just don't want him to think I don't empathize. Do I wait it out? Send him a fun text like we have before, showing that I can keep it light? Or send him an email (I'm a writer and he knows I write a lot) noting that I didn't mean to stress him out and I sympathize with his situation (and then add a funny story)? I just don't want to lose momentum completely...and I haven't always been the one to initiate contact and he seems ok with that. Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 But I'm worried that I might have taken it too far when I said at the end "this could be so good." He held my hand and kissed me goodbye and said we'd talk tomorrow and now it's been 2-3 days. I can only imagine how hard it must be to be in his position, but I just don't want him to think I don't empathize. Do I wait it out? Send him a fun text like we have before, showing that I can keep it light? Or send him an email (I'm a writer and he knows I write a lot) noting that I didn't mean to stress him out and I sympathize with his situation (and then add a funny story)? I just don't want to lose momentum completely...and I haven't always been the one to initiate contact and he seems ok with that. Here's the thing. He's the one who threw out "talk tomorrow". And yes he is probably stressing over how to juggle everything. Be patient. If you contact him, attempting a nudge, I think it will backfire. First of all, he is testing you to see if you can actually handle a relationship at the pace he can give it. So let him do that. That's more likely to bring him around than pushing him. Secondly, his promise of let's talk tomorrow. So his "keep". If you don't let him, keep the promise he made, you are signing up for more bad behavior from him. Breaking of little promises, etc. where he will tell you you should understand because of his schedule. This is not the time to compromise your standards. Be patient, let him contact you, then act happy to hear from him and normal. Don't bend over backwards or overly grateful to hear from him. The message you need to be sending without a heavy talk is: I can handle the pace you can offer, I like you AND have my own life. I've been busy having fun (and if you don't step it up, I'll just keep on moving to someone who can offer me more time and more fun). The part in parenthesis is implied. This attitude resets from your last statement (this could be so good), which up'd the stakes for him and said you were getting too attached, which is ANOTHER responsibility for him in his packed schedule. Good luck 4 Link to post Share on other sites
yxalitis Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 Jesus, the guy is genuinely...busy! Single dad, start up business, long work project. He's not making bull***** excuses to avoid you, when he had a small window of opportunity, he chose to see you. Be patient, calm down, and do not ruin this by expecting him to be able to suddenly drop his REAL responsibities to see you. 2-3 days...? that's nothing! Be worried after 2-3 weeks. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
fizzylifting Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 It does sound like he is just very busy. I am a single father with a career and I have been in the same situation, when I wanted to see more of someone, but just couldn't because of family and work obligations. I try to be sincere and just tell the other person that is what I can offer them. What you should ask yourself is, will that type of relationship work for you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 He's very busy - but he did say "talk tomorrow" yet he didn't keep his word. That is a bigger red flag to me than him being busy and you looking like you need more from him. It takes one second to send a text. If he doesn't make time to send you a text each day - then that means he's telling you he's too busy to prioritize you to the top of his list for 5-10 seconds each day. If you want/expect more than 5-10 seconds of his time then you may need to choose a different man. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 He's very busy - but he did say "talk tomorrow" yet he didn't keep his word. That is a bigger red flag to me than him being busy and you looking like you need more from him. It takes one second to send a text. If he doesn't make time to send you a text each day - then that means he's telling you he's too busy to prioritize you to the top of his list for 5-10 seconds each day. If you want/expect more than 5-10 seconds of his time then you may need to choose a different man. Well I agree with in some ways and in others I can see why he didn't send a text or call her. He overpromised. Or said it at the time to make OP happy. I agree wholeheartedly than he can't make and then break promises. He should only promise what is reasonable given his schedule. At some point OP needs to get that message across. Worse to break a promise, no matter how small. If he can fit in a call or a text, it will be a nice surprise. I don't agree though that he should send a text for the 5-10 seconds it takes. For some people those routine texts have little to no real meaning and are only a boring obligation, thus have lost their meaning anyway. I think he may be trying to realistically manage the OP's expectations. Somehow I get the feeling that a quick 5-10 seconds text would not be enough for her. Not a bad thing, OP. But usually when people get what a little of what they want in something like this, they want more. So a quick text turns into a texting marathon or same with the quick phone call and it's just not realistic at this point. Thinking positively, I think her guy just wants to give quality time when he can, not be in a relationship he can't live up to, timewise, yet or at the moment. It's too new that she would be a priority anyway. I'm on her guy's side about this. If he gets a clingy vibe, she may lose him anyway for this very reason. That's why it's important for women especially to have their own lives. If she was busy with her own, this would not be such a concern. And it may be the worry of her dependency on him that he is reacting to or trying his best to manage. He probably didn't want to do a 5 second text or phone call to then disappoint her and say he has to get off phone when tomorrow came around. I do think when it's realistic, OP should see if the time and attention he can offer her meets her needs. And speak up about it if it's the only reason she is considering breaking up with him. They may just not see these things the same or be at a place in life to be on same page about it. A friend of mine just broke up with her bf for very similar reason a few months ago; he knew the reason and now is back and considerably more attentive. Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 I've dated a nice guy that was busy like this one and my advice is this. If you want a serious relationship with someone, you should move on to find someone who actually has time for a serious relationship. Seeing you once or twice per month is not good. I let mine go at the time. You need someone who can give you what you need. This cannot work. Date other people and if his schedule clears up he's welcome to come back and date you properly, which means seeing you at leest once a week and moving on to twice, three times and more as the time passes. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingDeadGrl Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 If he's too busy for a relationship, why is he bothering to get involved with anyone at all? It seems selfish. I don't agree that he is too busy to send a 5-10 second text. You can talk to someone throughout the day no matter how busy they are... You just might have to wait for a response. If he's truly interested he will make a few minutes time to even write a nice text to her. If it's not normal for you to hear nothing for 2-3 days then I think you should listen to your intuition. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tinydancer324 Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 Well, everyone, I rejoined the dating site where we met and he's on there and logged in yesterday. Too busy indeed. It's frustrating that I lost my cool and blew it, but then again, if it wasn't this it could have been something else. He was honest that now isn't the time for something serious. It's just weird that he likes me "tremendously" and all that. Men...I don't get it. But I feel oddly calm about the whole thing. I know I need a relationship where I feel like I'm a priority. Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 Well, everyone, I rejoined the dating site where we met and he's on there and logged in yesterday. Too busy indeed. It's frustrating that I lost my cool and blew it, but then again, if it wasn't this it could have been something else. He was honest that now isn't the time for something serious. It's just weird that he likes me "tremendously" and all that. Men...I don't get it. But I feel oddly calm about the whole thing. I know I need a relationship where I feel like I'm a priority. I'm just curious what prompted YOU to rejoin the dating site? I'm not saying it's wrong at all. I think people should multi-date if they are able to mentally. If you believed and were jumping headfirst into the stuff that guy was telling you but then got anxious and got back online because you want a boyfriend, how much were you believing in your relationship with him? I'm just saying these things because if I read between the lines of your posts, I think you want a relationship kind of desperately and are rushing things, which causes you to be too attached and too hopeful about what the other person is saying or doing. I want you to have success and I think if you keep doing these things, you will keep having similar results. I think you need to reel it in. Take things guys say with a grain of salt. It's all fun and games until he tries to pin you down. I think if you inject a lot more of this attitude into your dating and overall mentality, you will get what you want. You will be a priority to someone someday. You just need to temper your expectations. And not move so fast in your head. Make them try to pin you down. I still think it's too soon to expect to be someone's priority 2-3 dates in--you might miss a lot of good guys with those parameters. Also don't act like a girlfriend until you are one. Go on dates more with only the expectation of having fun and making sure the guy shows you a good time. The rest will fall in place when it's meant to. That's why you should date more than one guy at once. That's your strategy for speeding up pace. Not imposing that on one chosen guy. They usually run from that. However, even if you don't tell them you are dating others, they can kinda sniff it out and will be keen to lock you down if they are really interested in you. As far as the guy in your OP goes. I'm guessing he's still on there because he's on there for one of these reasons: *he's a player, douchebag (didn't really sound like it but only got things from your perspective) *he believes in multi-dating and feels 2-3 dates in is not yet the time to commit to just one person *he got freaked out by you rushing things and decided you guys weren't on same page so is continuing to look *he is cycling through women so he can date casually because that's all he's capable of right now. I think one of the best things that will help you is to realize that most guys actually do want a relationship as well. But they just don't fall in love or decide to commit to one the same way that we do. You've got to hedge things in your favor by as much as you can creating the circumstances under which they can and do fall in love. And set that pace. It's slower, less wordy. Let them chase you more. Be positive, have fun, let them pin you down. You just need to shift your approach. Sorry this happened. I wouldn't be completely surprised if that isn't the last you've heard from this guy. Be non-committal, not so impressed but nice enough if you do hear from him and make him work for things more. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
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