yxalitis Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 (edited) Met a new girl in OLD. Right from the start, we have an amazing connection, she is enthusiastic, we text a lot, then on the 3rd day of texting she asks if she can all me at lunchtime, we chat for 40 odd minutes before we both head back to work. We agree on a first date, on a Friday (that was originally going to be a movie date with my daughter, but she cancelled). I meet her for coffee in the city, and when I see her...I’m not instantly overwhelmed with her appearance, but I am (I tell myself repeatedly) not a shallow person, it doesn’t matter that she’s a little heavier than her profile suggested (slim), and we have that coffee. Well, as we talk I find myself more and more attracted to her, we really do have this great intellectual connection, something that has admittedly been lacking in my past relationships. After an hour, I point out that I still have two tickets to “Terminator” and we agree to go, even though I laughed, telling her it’s a “terrible idea for a first date” We see the movie, and really enjoy it, when a jump scare frightened her, I took her hand, and she held it for the rest of the movie. After, we had a supper, and continued to talk, it was 5 hours before we finally agreed to let each other go home. The next day, we arranged another date on Sunday Lunch (We live quite far apart, mid-week dates are tricky for both of us, and we both wanted to use the weekend to see each other). We meet at a shopping centre half way between our homes, and spend another 4 ½ hours talking. I can't even understand why I reacted to her appearance negatively the first time, as I now find her super attractive...! We are very compatible, I haven’t been able to talk so openly, about meaningful subjects, so easily with someone for ages. She has a 14-year old daughter, who is very independent, and sounds delightful. OK, so here’s the thing. I’m an atheist. She’s a Christian. Not just a check in the “religion” box, but actively, talks-about-Jesus Christian. Of course, we talked about that, I pointed out that I’m not religious, I don’t believe in God, and would this be a problem. She indicated that she doesn’t push her religion on others, things like religion are personal decisions, made for personal reasons, and no one has the right to try and change other people’s viewpoints. I certainly didn’t get the impression that she was going to try and push pamphlets on me. BUT Is it a deal breaker? I say this because it has been in the past. I dated an older lady when I was in my 20’s, who was super religious, and took me to church etc… She also said that it didn’t matter…but it WAS a factor in our break up (that and she was “in love” in a few weeks, and super controlling) I don’t get the feeling (So far) that this new girl is pushy about it, but she does mention God and Jesus in casual conversation (hence the Flanders tag), and goes to Church regularly. I would like some feedback from people who may have experienced this before. I used to be the water in a relationship, that flows around the rock of my partners beliefs, and I’ve only recently started to really assert my beliefs and opinions in a relationship, and stand up for my rights (Hence my last break up, where my partner didn’t compromise to accommodate my feelings) Is this going to work? What should I do…? Edited July 5, 2015 by yxalitis Link to post Share on other sites
neowulf Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 Ok, fast forward a second. Do you identify as "Atheist" or "Agnostic". Because if you're self identified as an atheist, you're basically of the mind that your girlfriend is worshiping an imaginary figure in the sky that doesn't exist. Basically, that her whole belief system is founded on a shared delusion. For a true atheist, it'd be like your girlfriend believing in the Easter bunny. So, if that is in fact how you view her belief in God, do you suspect that's going to be a difficult position to respect in the long run? Do you think she'll be ok with you basically being dismissive of something that she holds so close to herself? Something important to her, an important part of her life, that she'll never really be able to share with you? I've personally never dated anyone who was actively religious. This isn't some "hobby" that is outside the core of their identity. You're talking about something core to her beliefs and values. In my mind, it'd be a deal breaker. I can't see how you'd co-exist with someone, when your basic tenants of how you view the world are so vastly different. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author yxalitis Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 Ok, fast forward a second. Do you identify as "Atheist" or "Agnostic". Because if you're self identified as an atheist, you're basically of the mind that your girlfriend is worshiping an imaginary figure in the sky that doesn't exist. Basically, that her whole belief system is founded on a shared delusion. For a true atheist, it'd be like your girlfriend believing in the Easter bunny. So, if that is in fact how you view her belief in God, do you suspect that's going to be a difficult position to respect in the long run? Do you think she'll be ok with you basically being dismissive of something that she holds so close to herself? Something important to her, an important part of her life, that she'll never really be able to share with you? I've personally never dated anyone who was actively religious. This isn't some "hobby" that is outside the core of their identity. You're talking about something core to her beliefs and values. In my mind, it'd be a deal breaker. I can't see how you'd co-exist with someone, when your basic tenants of how you view the world are so vastly different. I don' believe in any of the various Gods of any religion, past or present (and it amuses me how many there are/have been throughout history, God is certainly not good at communicating his ideals to humanity). I believe religion formed out of a fear of the unknown, and people's willingness to accept "easy" answers for the incredibly complex questions of existence and death. I believe churches were created to control the masses, in lieu of law and order, and became corrupt with their own power and wealth. I don't deny the possibility of a greater power, but I don't believe in a God who simultaneously loves us all as his children, and sits judgement over us all, condemning those he feels have failed to eternal damnation. (I also don't believe in the Big Bang, if you carefully research that, who'll see it was pushed onto the scientific community as a "back door" to God. The universe time and space, are eternal and infinite. But that's a WHOLE other discussion) So, yeah I get your point totally, hence my post. I REALLY like this girl, and I do get her point about God giving her a foundation to be good, kind, generous, and to help others. I guess I'll have to talk to her about the literal truth of the Bible. If she things that Noah's Ark, creation, Moses etc are TRUE accounts of history, and not parables...we WILL have a problem. And if she things the Earth is 6,000 years old...yeah...that won't go down well. My mother was religious, but she didn't believe in the literal truth of the Bible, but simply took it as lessons taught through story telling. Hmm...food for thought! Link to post Share on other sites
casey.lives Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 People are not defined solely by their religion - stop being closed minded OR keep walking 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author yxalitis Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 People are not defined solely by their religion - stop being closed minded OR keep walking If I was closed minded, I wouldn't be asking these questions, I would have stopped seeing her already. And aren't the religious usually the ones considered close-minded? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
rosyfuture Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 If she was a true believer in her faith, she would not be dating you, a non-believer, to begin with. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author yxalitis Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 If she was a true believer in her faith, she would not be dating you, a non-believer, to begin with. That's an interesting point of view. I disagree, but respect your right to your opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yxalitis Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 That's an interesting point of view. I disagree, but respect your right to your opinion. I just realised that I could post that on any forum, anywhere, anytime, and it would be relevant. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyBug Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 Well, as we talk I find myself more and more attracted to her, we really do have this great intellectual connection, something that has admittedly been lacking in my past relationships. I can't even understand why I reacted to her appearance negatively the first time, as I now find her super attractive...! We are very compatible, I haven’t been able to talk so openly, about meaningful subjects, so easily with someone for ages. She has a 14-year old daughter, who is very independent, and sounds delightful. It's so hard to find someone with whom you have a real connection, and extra points if that person becomes very attractive to you from the inside rather than just the outside. Congratulations on finding yourself a charmer! If she does say that your being an atheist doesn't matter, then she is not a 100% diehard Bible believer, as Christians are not supposed to be "unequally yoked" with non-Christians. Or, she may be one of those that believes in the Bible but picks and chooses which rules to follow, according to convenience. Either way, ask her what particular religion she is and go from there. If she's more of a Unity type, she might be more your speed. If she's Pentacostal - run! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 If I was closed minded, I wouldn't be asking these questions, I would have stopped seeing her already. And aren't the religious usually the ones considered close-minded? It is great you are so open-minded! :) My boss was a hard core Atheist when he met his now-wife, a Christian. He is now a Christian.....and becoming a Christian, according to him, was one of the best decisions in his life! Don't rule her out yet, keep your mind open to all possibilities.....one never knows what direction life will lead them. Continue getting to know each other, stay open and flexible.....and enjoy! My two cents.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yxalitis Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 It's so hard to find someone with whom you have a real connection, and extra points if that person becomes very attractive to you from the inside rather than just the outside. Congratulations on finding yourself a charmer! If she does say that your being an atheist doesn't matter, then she is not a 100% diehard Bible believer, as Christians are not supposed to be "unequally yoked" with non-Christians. Or, she may be one of those that believes in the Bible but picks and chooses which rules to follow, according to convenience. Either way, ask her what particular religion she is and go from there. If she's more of a Unity type, she might be more your speed. If she's Pentacostal - run! It's one of the more moderate "modern" churches, that talks about the messages to be taken from the Bible, and how they can be used in everyday life, and not just Bible bashing. https://www.citylife.church/ Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 It's one of the more moderate "modern" churches, that talks about the messages to be taken from the Bible, and how they can be used in everyday life, and not just Bible bashing. https://www.citylife.church/ If you continue dating and connecting with her, would you be open to attending church service with her sometime? The fact you checked out the website indicates at least some curiosity? Link to post Share on other sites
casey.lives Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 If I was closed minded, I wouldn't be asking these questions, I would have stopped seeing her already. And aren't the religious usually the ones considered close-minded? most people are the ones who attack religious people and accuse them of being closed minded, even though it takes extreme openness to believe in something you can't see but only feel. Religious people are constantly put down as a group ......like you are doing... the "Flanders" religious people are individuals too 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyBug Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 It's one of the more moderate "modern" churches, that talks about the messages to be taken from the Bible, and how they can be used in everyday life, and not just Bible bashing. https://www.citylife.church/ Hmmm. Checking their Mission & Values: "Our mission is to raise up fervent followers of Jesus Christ who will reach out and impact communities, cities and nations for the kingdom of God." Also: "We are committed to the Bible as the Word of God and our final authority for rule and practice." Their Vision: "We see a church with such passionate devotion, radical conviction* and total commitment to the cause of Jesus Christ that the very gates of hell can't stop it!" *Emphasis mine Not that there's anything wrong with this but, somewhere down the road, something will have to give. She does sound pretty awesome, though, so I do hate to discourage you, especially if she's not one of the more hardcore congregants. Still, I don't see this as a good long-term match, unless the both of you can be really good about keeping your opinions to yourself for the long haul... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author yxalitis Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 If you continue dating and connecting with her, would you be open to attending church service with her sometime? The fact you checked out the website indicates at least some curiosity? I'm going to an event on Friday 17th evening with her. Not a sermon...just one of those group events they organise. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 ysalitis...you sound smitten! Continue exploring each other.....and see where it leads..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author yxalitis Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 ysalitis...you sound smitten! Continue exploring each other.....and see where it leads..... "Smitten" I like that term, seems like a perfect summary. For once it's not a purely sexual attraction luring me in. Makes a nice change. Oh, yeah, she's Chinese...so that's the 6th Chinese girl I've date...in a row. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MoreAmore Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 As an atheist myself, I absolutely could not date a person who was religious. Friends, yes. Relationship, no. That is a deal-breaker. This is a personal decision, though. Only you know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author yxalitis Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 If I was closed minded, I wouldn't be asking these questions, I would have stopped seeing her already. And aren't the religious usually the ones considered close-minded? most people are the ones who attack religious people and accuse them of being closed minded, even though it takes extreme openness to believe in something you can't see but only feel. Religious people are constantly put down as a group ......like you are doing... the "Flanders" religious people are individuals too Can you show me where I put down or attacked a religion? I aired my beliefs...that is all. And Flanders is a portrayed as a wholly positive person in the Simpsons, it's Homer's attitude to him that is poor... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyBug Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 I'm going to an event on Friday 17th evening with her. Not a sermon...just one of those group events they organise. Awesome that you can be open-minded enough to at least accompany her. As a Christian, technically she's not supposed to "fool around" before marriage, either... If that's the case, would you walk away, even if everything else about this girl were absolutely wonderful? Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 "Smitten" I like that term, seems like a perfect summary. ***For once it's not a purely sexual attraction luring me in.*** Makes a nice change. Oh, yeah, she's Chinese...so that's the 6th Chinese girl I've date...in a row. Quite a nice change from the last one, eh? So, gotta ask....are you developing *feelings* for this one?? Sorry....just teasing.....couldn't resist. :bunny: Link to post Share on other sites
Author yxalitis Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 Awesome that you can be open-minded enough to at least accompany her. As a Christian, technically she's not supposed to "fool around" before marriage, either... If that's the case, would you walk away, even if everything else about this girl were absolutely wonderful? Ah, you see, this is a cliché, not every Christian (of which there are, what? a BILLION) does not have identical beliefs, they are as varied as people can be. This first religious person I mentioned was VERY sexual, and we had sex on the 2nd date..yet she was a card-carrying Christian none the less. The other Christian myth is that they are boring in bed...and only do the missionary position once a week (or whatever). We actually spoke about this, and she answered, "oh, I know that's so untrue, everyone has different sexual attitudes, in and out of religion" Link to post Share on other sites
Author yxalitis Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 Quite a nice change from the last one, eh? So, gotta ask....are you developing *feelings* for this one?? Sorry....just teasing.....couldn't resist. :bunny: Umm, yes...actually..and without so much as a kiss... Believe me, I'm as surprised as you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author yxalitis Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 And I can tell I'm happier and positive as I'm only browsing the "dating" forum, and giving the "breaking up" forum a miss. Link to post Share on other sites
caringsister Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 Don't fight it ... just go toward the light 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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