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New Relationship, how to best handle up coming surgery


ThisisIt606

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ThisisIt606

I've been dating this guy consistently for over a month now. We see eachother about twice a week and he has paid for most dates although I have started paying for the most recent. We have been intimate and have slept over eachother's places.

 

We text nearly every day and often for at least an hour about all sorts of things and he will usually send me pictures of something that reminded him of me. So far I'm happy with how things are going. While we haven't had the direct "exclusivity talk" it seems as though we are by the amount of time we spend together, him initiating texting, and telling me that his schedule is open and whenever works for me to hang out. (if he does have something planned he tells me what it is/ tells me about the friends he met up with/coworkers etc). So I don't feel like he's hiding anything.

 

Anyways he got a sports injury before we met. He is scheduled to go in for surgery at the beginning of next month. It's an outpatient surgery so he will be home that day. He also said his mom will be flying up to drive him home from the hospital and stay with him for a week. His friend who got a similar surgery told him he will be knocked out on a lot of pain meds/very drowsy and will be in a lot of pain when they wear off.

 

I really like him and want to be supportive... but what should I do during this time? He lives about 45 mins away by public transit and his mom will be staying with him (whom I've never met/don't he's even told her about me since it'ts just been over a month). I work close to where he will be having his surgery. Should I stop by the day off and leave a small get well gift?

 

I don't want to be obnoxious texting him as he's recovering but I honestly do want to be there for him in anyway I can. (keeping in mind we've just been dating for a little over a month and his mom will be there for a week)

 

What's the best way to show my compassion and support throughout all this?

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angel.eyes

I would stop by the hospital before his surgery to be with him. Since his mom is picking him up from the hospital, I would call him that night once he's at home and less groggy, just to see how he's doing. If he wants you to visit, he can invite you over. Follow his cues.

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Send a get well card & possibly a fruit basket. Call him periodically. A few days in on the weekend, ask if you can drop by. Bring a casserole or soup. Say hello to the mom. Don't overstay your welcome.

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I would not visit him because his mother is there. I would offer him a good book, magazines, treats or other things you know he enjoys before he goes into surgery.

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I would absolutely visit because the mom is there. It's an organic way to meet his family who lives far away. Otherwise, meeting her will be a thing because she has to travel & that will add stress. If you are there & she knows that her son has support once she goes home, she may feel better when she has to leave.

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Eternal Sunshine

I was in the same situation and didn't end up visiting because it felt "too soon" for that kind of intimacy for me. I ended up calling him, sending him cute pictures and he texted me regularly about his progress. He was well enough to take a train to my place about 5 days post-op.

 

If you really, really like him, it's a good opportunity to make a good impression on the mum ;)

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I would absolutely visit because the mom is there. It's an organic way to meet his family who lives far away. Otherwise, meeting her will be a thing because she has to travel & that will add stress. If you are there & she knows that her son has support once she goes home, she may feel better when she has to leave.

 

They have dated 2 times a week for 1 month. I personally would feel like an intruder inviting myself over when his mother is there.

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They have dated 2 times a week for 1 month. I personally would feel like an intruder inviting myself over when his mother is there.

 

I agree with Gaeta. Definitely don't go to visit him without discussing it first. Everybody is different, but I probably wouldn't want anyone to see me except close friends and family. You're not there yet.

 

I would just ask him directly. Tell him you want to be supportive but don't want to intrude or step over any boundaries. Ask him if there's anything you can do for him while he is recovering. Maybe offer to bring him a pizza or something, and then see if he offers up a day and time for you to stop by. If his mother is there, make it fairly quick.

 

I think this is a very awkward way to meet his family. If I were in his situation, a phone call every day or two to see how I'm feeling would be enough for me. I'd most likely invite you over briefly but would feel weird about putting you in an awkward situation.

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ThisisIt606

I'll tell him i'd be happy to help with anything he needs after his surgery.

 

I think I'm going to get him a get well card and either 1 or 2 small/token items that have to do with something he likes.

 

1) stress ball to squeeze as he's coming off pain meds of a character from one of his favorite movies

2) water bottle to stay hydrated of one of his favorite sports/sport teams.

 

Put them in a gift bag with the card. Are 2 gifts too much or should I stick to just one of them? I thought they balanced each other out nicely while being something from a movie or sport he likes.

 

I'll find a way to deliver it to his hospital room.

 

Also follow up with a few texts/calls to see how he's doing.

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That sounds like a perfect way to go. Very thoughtful and not pushy or over the top. Both gifts would be great to send.

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ThisisIt606

I decided to change the gift around and include a Build-A-Bear dressed up in one of his favorite sport teams uniforms. Does this seem too "little kid"?

 

Should I include the water bottle with it or the Darth Vader (character from one of his fav. movies) stress ball? Or just the bear? (don't want it to look like too much or too little kid with the Darth Vader).

 

I also got a funny card with one of his fav animal on it. Writing something like:

 

"Hope you have a fast recovery, (his name)!

 

In the meantime you can squeeze/throw Darth Vader around to fight off any pain or boredom ;)

 

<3 my name"

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Do not send a grown man you just started dating an expensive teddy bear. Send food & possibly some magazines or puzzle books.

 

 

You will emasculate him with the bear.

 

 

The Darth Vader thing is OK as is the water bottle.

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You should ask him ahead of time what you can do to help and offer to help relieve his mom taking care of him. Remind him of your available hours and maybe write them down so he can show them to the mom, with your phone number.

 

Men are sometimes funny about being ill because they are embarrassed that they think it makes them look weak, so he may be horrified at the thought of you being around then! That's why you have to ask him. Maybe he'll say, Oh, it would be great if you'd come by and keep me company. Or he may say, Oh, no, my mom has got it covered. Anyway, you can always text him and stay in touch once he's feeling better and renew your offer to help out and come visit.

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Do not send a grown man you just started dating an expensive teddy bear. Send food & possibly some magazines or puzzle books.

 

 

You will emasculate him with the bear.

 

 

The Darth Vader thing is OK as is the water bottle.

 

 

 

I'd avoid the teddy bear. Keep the gifts sports oriented (or Darth Vader) and practical.

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  • 2 weeks later...
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ThisisIt606

So an update... His surgery was going to be in 1 of 2 places. Either at a main location/ close to my work or at an offsite location.

 

He told me his doc decided to do it at an offsite location which means o can no longer visit/ give him my gift in person.

 

He asked to get together this week/ try to make time as he knows we are both very busy this week and he has to pick his mom up from airport ( she will be staying at his house). Should I just give him his gift whenever I see him before his surgery?

 

Should I text something like " are you free sometime later this week? I have something I'd like to give you for after your surgery :)"

 

I would ideally like to give it to him after. However I don't think this will be possible as 1) I can't get to the hospital he will be in/ it's an outpatient surgery 2) his mom will be staying with him for a week and I'd feel really weird inviting myself over while she's there./ not sure if she even know a about me. I also feel like waiting until she leaves is too long after the fact.

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Should I just give him his gift whenever I see him before his surgery?

 

Yes absolutely! It's better early than too late. This way he sees that you thought about him in advance and it's gonna make him feel special. If you give it too late after his surgery it may come across as you did it last minute.

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