Scared. How do I handle this?

[kookie84]

Known this guy for ~4 months, been dating for the past 2 months. I'm 30, he's 36 and a single dad to a 10 year-old daughter. However, we didn't talk for the first 2 weeks of June because of a miscommunication and I was going through something else, then he came back, we talked things out and everything just kind of fell into place for us. Things have been getting kinda serious ever since and I don't know how to handle it because I haven't done this in a while and, yea, I'm scared.

 

* We're looking for the same thing: a serious relationship, eventually marriage, but take it slow because there's a kid in the picture but I like the pace we're going. (If it matters, we haven't had sex, though we've been intimate.)

 

* He has really ramped up his efforts, makes more time for me, and says and does all the right things that I would expect from a man who is taking me seriously

 

* Today he told me he really sees me in his future and I'm what he's looking for in someone he would settle down with and introduce to his daughter, and I see the two of them in my future too, though obviously he and I still have a lot of getting-to-know to do

 

These are all good things, right? But are they too good to be true? What if he's just caught up in the moment? Do you guys think it's too early to be this invested? Most of these are just words right now, but a single dad who is very protective of his daughter wouldn't just say them and not mean them, right? And when he makes plans for the future, how do I know if he is just future faking? Am I being neurotic and overthinking?

 

I really see a future with this guy, but like everyone else here, I'm so cautious and so afraid of getting hurt again. I really like him and we're both so comfortable with each other, but after the guy who disappeared and the guy before him cheating on me for an entire year, I still get that nagging feeling sometimes that this one won't work out either. How do I not let that fear ruin this? How do I stop that feeling that I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop?

 

I also just realized that we've never actually established what we are. We've had the serious conversations, but for some never established if we're exclusive or in a relationship or whatever. I guess I'll bring it up when I see him in a couple days.

 

Thanks everyone.

Edited July 5, 2015 by kookie84

[Redhead14]

Known this guy for ~4 months, been dating for the past 2 months. I'm 30, he's 36 and a single dad to a 10 year-old daughter. However, we didn't talk for the first 2 weeks of June because of a miscommunication and I was going through something else, then he came back, we talked things out and everything just kind of fell into place for us. Things have been getting kinda serious ever since and I don't know how to handle it because I haven't done this in a while and, yea, I'm scared.

 

* We're looking for the same thing: a serious relationship, eventually marriage, but take it slow because there's a kid in the picture but I like the pace we're going. (If it matters, we haven't had sex, though we've been intimate.)

 

* He has really ramped up his efforts, makes more time for me, and says and does all the right things that I would expect from a man who is taking me seriously

 

* Today he told me he really sees me in his future and I'm what he's looking for in someone he would settle down with and introduce to his daughter, and I see the two of them in my future too, though obviously he and I still have a lot of getting-to-know to do

 

These are all good things, right? But are they too good to be true? What if he's just caught up in the moment? Do you guys think it's too early to be this invested? Most of these are just words right now, but a single dad who is very protective of his daughter wouldn't just say them and not mean them, right? And when he makes plans for the future, how do I know if he is just future faking? Am I being neurotic and overthinking?

 

I really see a future with this guy, but like everyone else here, I'm so cautious and so afraid of getting hurt again. I really like him and we're both so comfortable with each other, but after the guy who disappeared and the guy before him cheating on me for an entire year, I still get that nagging feeling sometimes that this one won't work out either. How do I not let that fear ruin this? How do I stop that feeling that I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop?

 

I also just realized that we've never actually established what we are. We've had the serious conversations, but for some never established if we're exclusive or in a relationship or whatever. I guess I'll bring it up when I see him in a couple days.

 

Thanks everyone.

 

Focus on YOUR needs always. If he is currently meeting your needs in terms of communication effort, arranging to see you often enough and demonstrating to you that he's interested, you need to sit with that for a bit. Yes, sometimes they come on strong and fade out or drop off the earth, but this guy is an individual. Be objective and don't project into it.

 

That being said, think about whether he himself has done anything to set off alarms for you. Sometimes people also ignore things because they are so excited and wrapped up in the moment. If he hasn't himself specifically caused you to become reticent, that's different. As long as he hasn't done anything, rest in what he's showing you.

 

Make sure you two are on the same page now. You want exclusivity, does he? Get that cleared up first.

 

You need to put the past in a box and shelve it for a while until he starts behaving differently. Then you can start doing some "math". If you don't do this and he's truly wanting something with you, you'll be somewhat standoffish and not communicating your level of interest effectively. This could swing to the other extreme -- your anxieties will cause you to become clingy and needy. And, this is where balance is important as highlighted below.

 

Let him come continue to come to you. Let him do most of the initiating still. Sit back and observe. You be receptive. He reaches out, you respond in kind. If you do initiate and he responds, give the reins back to him again and let him initiate again. Balance it. If some time passes and he hasn't reached out, let it sit. If he's interested and invested enough, he'll wonder where you are. If he doesn't, oh well. So be it. But don't start assuming or wondering if he'll be "that guy".

Edited July 5, 2015 by Redhead14

[angel.eyes]

When he said he saw a future with you, how did you respond? Did you confirm that you felt the same way? That would also have been an opportune time to broach exclusivity and your relationship status...since you haven't talked about these yet.

[DaisyBug]

Smart girl, you are, not having sex with him just yet if you're looking for the Real Deal. Major points on his part for not pushing it as well.

 

He sounds great so far. Responsible dad. You're going at a good pace, so don't sabotage yourself by asking too many questions. Just be fun and lovable and everything will take care of itself.