Yummm Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 Been chatting to a girl on a dating app for the last week or so. At first she was very cold and played 'hard to get', I was enjoying the chase and she eventually opened up. She told me alot of personal things and I genuinely care and have taken a liking to speaking to her about them. I made it clear to her that I find her attractive and want to get to know her better, I also made it clear when we first started talking that i'm going on holiday for 3 weeks and I don't want to meet her until i'm back, so I don't get emotionally invested into somebody before I go away. She got upset but I reassured her that I want to keep in contact whilst i'm away and she has started to get really attached. We have just been speaking on the phone and whatsapp. Constantly hinting that I should reassure her and nobody tells her she's good enough etc. I'm unsure of where to take this? She has a great personality, has alot of character traits that I like but it needs to be at a much slower pace for me than this, and i'm trying to explain that to her. Just a little confused Link to post Share on other sites
almond Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 I'd be taking these as red flags. A constant need for reassurance, along with getting overly attached to a guy you've never even met generally spells trouble. Abort mission. Link to post Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 Is drama fun for you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Yummm Posted July 4, 2015 Author Share Posted July 4, 2015 @almond - thanks, I also see it as red flags. It wasn't meant to get this deep, not sure how it happened. @Clearance_Boddicker - I'm not intentionally creating any drama atall. We've spoken for a while and I enjoyed it as did she, the last few days she's opened up a hell of alot and just got more intense. I have no problem meeting her and going on a date as it's what I planned to do, but just not yet... What's 3 weeks? My holiday was initially for me to 'escape' and get away from my monotonous routine and emotions over the last 6 months, so I am genuine when I say i'm interested but don't want to get emotionally involved until i'm back with a clear head. Should I not go on a date with her? Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 You put the full stop in meeting her on for 3 weeks+ away and then wonder why she needs reassurance.. if it were me I'd told you to go eff yourself and moved on to someone else. You have in essence rejected her, put her in the position of wondering what about her is bad enough that you don't want to meet her and then you slam her for wanting reassurance.. Girls who we are courting need to be needed and they need to feel we want them.. Why can't you meet her again ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Yummm Posted July 4, 2015 Author Share Posted July 4, 2015 (edited) I appreciate the criticism. I definitely don't see myself as a saint here but I also do not want to end up stringing some girl along. I made it clear to her that if she does not want to meet me in 3 weeks when i'm back then I completely understand, to which she declined as she wants to meet me. The main reason is that I am getting over a recent BU (2 months). I'm definitely moving on and the holiday was going to be the fresh start for me. I was making all my plans to get back into the dating scene and get myself out there after my holiday (August). I initially joined the dating app as a distraction, enjoying girl text company (admittedly but rightfully so, selfish). We seem to have a connection even though we are the polar opposites in many aspects, but connect on a deeper level. The constant need for reassurance and attachment on her part is just a little scary for me because it is a big reminder of how intense it became too quickly with my current ex, and I just want to slow things down a little. I've been chatting to plenty girls on these apps and none of them 'connected' like she does, hence why I am interested and don't want to drop an opportunity to get to meet a potentially lovely girl for me. EDIT: She is also going on holiday similar times to me, I don't see what harm 3 weeks of continuing to talk and getting to know her will do. Edited July 4, 2015 by Yummm Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 So why don't you take the lead on slowing down communication.... tell her you will talk to her in a few days, you are busy. Easy. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 I made it clear to her that I find her attractive and want to get to know her better, I also made it clear when we first started talking that i'm going on holiday for 3 weeks and I don't want to meet her until i'm back, so I don't get emotionally invested into somebody before I go away. We do develop expectation when we communicate for too long before meeting. Right now you will invest another 3 weeks in a woman that may not even be who she says she is. That woman is already invested in you and will only become more needy with the weeks going by. You would do yourself and her a favor by meeting right away and confirming in real that you do like each other and when you come back from your trip you know there is a lady you like waiting for you. Consider you may not like her at all in real, so why delay 3 weeks to confirm that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 Gaeta, he can't meet her, he's on a three-week vacation. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 Gaeta, he can't meet her, he's on a three-week vacation. He said he is leaving and does not want to meet her. I don't know if he left already but he did not meet her on purpose, it's accidental because he's away. Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 Someone who needs constant validation and reassurance is the type that will cheat once you stop giving it. I'd move on. Also how attached do you think you'd get from a COUPLE MEETINGS before you leave? That is worrisome. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 Gaeta, he can't meet her, he's on a three-week vacation. Gary hon, read the second paragraph of the OP's original post....a post that he created today. He said he started chatting with this girl and told her he is *going away" for three weeks.....meaning he has not left yet...but will be leaving and DOES NOT want to meet her before he leaves.....but wait until he returns. IMO, since he has no desire to meet chicks until after he returns... he had no business initiating chat sessions with them in the first place...before he leaves. No wonder she needs reassurance... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 I have to admit, you ladies are right! (this time - but don't get too cocky, lol! ) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Yummm Posted July 4, 2015 Author Share Posted July 4, 2015 (edited) I guess I just didn't think about it like that. This was not my intention. I'm leaving in 5 days, although that makes no difference to what you ladies are saying. I can already see an emotional connection forming due to talking on the phone (albeit a small one on my end but much bigger on hers) and as i'm still recovering from a BU I genuinely want to head off clear headed without investing into someone back home. NO, my intention of these words are not to say that I am going to sleep around on holiday, this is not what I want, and I DO want to get back into the dating scene, but the plan was AFTER the holiday, not before... I just feel like it will set me back. @GarryS, I do like your approach, and have tried (not strong enough) and her response has been something the lines of 'you've gone quiet' and then following up with a few more messages. @Gaeta, you are correct, but we will both be attending a weekly social networking event for young professionals when we both get back from holiday, so we would have to meet and see eachother anyway. I don't see why we can't try build something there instead of going for it before I go away in 5 days. Edited July 4, 2015 by Yummm Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 I guess I just didn't think about it like that. This was not my intention. I'm leaving in 5 days, although that makes no difference to what you ladies are saying. I can already see an emotional connection forming due to talking on the phone (albeit a small one on my end but much bigger on hers) and as i'm still recovering from a BU I genuinely want to head off clear headed without investing into someone back home. NO, my intention of these words are not to say that I am going to sleep around on holiday, this is not what I want, and I DO want to get back into the dating scene, ***but the plan was AFTER the holiday, not before... I just feel like it will set me back.**** @GarryS, I do like your approach, and have tried (not strong enough) and her response has been something the lines of 'you've gone quiet' and then following up with a few more messages. Quote in asterisk above, then why on earth didn't you wait until after you return to start pursuing chicks? Would not that have made more sense? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 I guess the bottom line is, it's tough to date when you are out of town. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Yummm Posted July 4, 2015 Author Share Posted July 4, 2015 Yes katie, you are correct, I am silly... I stated that I originally did it because I am new to the dating apps and didn't expect anything from it. I was lonely in the evenings and enjoyed messaging multiple girls and passing time. It was selfish, but there wasn't any harm done. I didn't expect her to really 'fall' for me from a few calls and a week of messaging. It's done now, I can't change what i've done, hence why i'm on here asking for guidance. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 I don't see why we can't try build something there instead of going for it before I go away in 5 days. Because often people are not like their pictures, you don't feel chemistry or connection, and you've wasted your 3 weeks. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 I guess the bottom line is, it's tough to date when you are out of town. Or planning to go out of town. To the OP, lesson learned for next time....next time you plan to leave town for a significant amount of time, and you don't wish to get involved with anyone before you leave....then DON'T go on line and initiate and engage in chat sessions with them...... Wait until you return.... Link to post Share on other sites
Fleur de cactus Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 Constant admiration (validation) is not a good sign. Soon you will feel drained from giving and never receive. When you will stop giving, she will run to find someone who will continue to supply her. However, since you never met, meet her asap and let her know that you want to take it slow, giving time to know each other. YOu already have experience with such personality, then you will be able to decide after meeting her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 Hm. OP, can you elaborate on the behaviour that is off-putting? What is she saying (or doing) exactly? I can maybe give some better feedback if you provide some further details. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 It's too much too soon. She hasn't even met you yet, so what you know is she is pretty needy and also not making great decisions investing so much in someone she hasn't met. If it were me, I'd tell her this concerns you enough that you want to call the whole thing off. She's got to deal with her problems sometime. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 I don't mind at all reassuring someone needy if I have met them in person (I'd probably find it endearing) but someone I have not yet? That would be hard. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 4, 2015 Share Posted July 4, 2015 Yes katie, you are correct, I am silly... I stated that I originally did it because I am new to the dating apps and didn't expect anything from it. I was lonely in the evenings and enjoyed messaging multiple girls and passing time. It was selfish, but there wasn't any harm done. I didn't expect her to really 'fall' for me from a few calls and a week of messaging. It's done now, I can't change what i've done, hence why i'm on here asking for guidance. I would suggest you meet her before you leave. You are *already* emotionally involved... meet her so as to determine if there is chemistry.... which cannot be determined until you meet IN PERSON. There may be something there....or maybe not. You won't know until you meet.....a quick coffee or ice cream would suffice. As it stands now, this is something that is already hanging over your head.....so you may as well meet, for peace of mind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Yummm Posted July 4, 2015 Author Share Posted July 4, 2015 Thanks for all the responses guys, really appreciate it! I guess the title is misleading, the needing reassurance is definitely a red flag but I guess what the main issue is what to do moving forward. She has some very personal health issues that she continues to run away from. She goes on to say how does all her jobs and hobbies as if she lives everyday as if its her last. When I first brought up the subject of what was wrong she got very defensive but finally opened up and I ended up giving her advice. She was very grateful for the advice and since then has become very attached. She always compliments me on my videos, words, pictures but says that I don't compliment her enough so she has to take a step back complimenting me. I compliment her alot, probably more than I should for somebody who I haven't even met... She then goes on to tell me that I should drive over her house and give her a hug etc, it really is way too soon. Link to post Share on other sites
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