Jump to content

Interest again?


Recommended Posts

Hey there,

 

I posted on here a few months back about dating a girl I had just met from a mutual social group. We went out a few times, seemed to get on really great, but then she went dark. I've seen her in the intervening period from time to time at social gatherings but she's pretty much ignored me. In recent weeks however on the few occasions I've seen her she has started to be friendly and 'normal' once again.

 

This last week we have texted once or twice and I ended up spending most of the evening with her last night at another social gathering. During this time she apologised for her behaviour with me, went over her thinking/reasoning about what went on with us, and was open about everything. She had briefly dated someone else since we went out, which is now over. I won't go into all that here but suffice to say we had a great evening last night, got on really well, laughing and joking etc, all recent awkwardness gone. I gave her a lift to and from the night out and she made comments about peoples' tongues wagging about us etc along with other comments about things previously just being about timing etc.

 

So now I'm confused. Why apologise now? She didn't have to accept the lift as she drives herself, didn't have to spend the majority of the evening with me etc. Why make those comments? I'm pretty sure she still likes me and felt a little guilty that she didn't handle the end of our dating well last time. She's now single again as far as I know. I really fancy her and would like to ask her out again. Since we've now talked about things I think we'd both be clearer about what we'd want from each other. We're both early 30s.

 

The issue I have is that I wouldn't want to go back to the awkwardness of before. We have mutual friends and do a lot of social activities within that group, so things being awkward for either of us is a big thing. She said that when I told her last time that I really liked her it freaked her out a little. I said I hadn't planned to come across OTT (I only said I really liked her). Again, she said normally she would like that kind of thing but it was more timing.

 

So, does anyone have any advice on what to do? Surely there's some people out there who have dated someone, only for a few months etc to pass before maybe there being signs of interest again? I could be wrong but I feel we have a great connection, but then again since things went dark last time I could be wrong. Should I simply just ask her out again? I'm not sure what to do. The moment seems right to ask her out again but I wouldn't want to make a fool of myself or cause the previous awkwardness to come back.

 

My plan at the moment is to text her along the lines of saying thanks for clearing the air, had a good evening etc, and that I still fancy her and would like to take her out/be more than friends.

 

All advice is welcome!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Well, update time:

 

I sent a message and told this girl I fancy her still and would like to take her out. There was some back and forth with the messages and ultimately the gist of what she said was that she needs some time and fun first before settling down with someone. I don't know if that's a polite brush off or there's some truth to it - she does seem to have gone through quite a lot of stuff recently. I think also she may have the wrong impression of me, that I want to settle down straight away etc - far from the truth!!!

 

Anyway, as we continued texting there were a couple of kinda flirty messages and she has texted me intermittently since asking if I was out etc over the weekend, when she hasn't done this in months. We agreed it was nice to be speak and be friends again but I made it clear I wanted more than that. So once more I'm confused, she's texting me late at night for no particular reason, sending the odd jokey/flirty message (oh there was a little flirty banter the other night too when we were out and spent a lot of the evening together, almost ignoring all the other people out with us) but seems to hold out on doing something more.

 

Clearly she might just not be that into me, and that would be fair enough, but she indicated in our talk the other day it was a matter of timing for her. I will probably see her a couple of times this week at social gatherings and will just be my usual self and see how she behaves around me. The only thing I'd be interested to know is if there was some way of showing a different side of myself. When I meet people I tend to be quiet to begin with, and I think she wrongly has the impression that that's what I'm like permanently. I suppose I will just have to be more outgoing to show all the true sides of myself and see if that has any affect.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Well, I was hoping to get some advice or feedback from here if anyone is reading this. Maybe someone could help me with out with some ideas as to why she would apologise now a few months after we went out? I know she's dated someone else since and they only broke up a couple of weeks ago, it could have only lasted maybe 6 weeks I guess so not a long term thing. Maybe that's just coincidence. Maybe she just feels guilty about things and chose now randomly to apologise. Obviously I'd like it to be the case she was apologising as a prelude to going out again.

 

Also, it's one thing to apologise but why then accept a lift she didn't have to and basically spend a lot of the evening with me, being very friendly, a little flirty, acknowledging other people would be talking about us, and then keep up the jokey/flirty texts over the next day or so? She even texted late the next evening to see if I had gone out on a night out in another town. It seems she does not know what she wants. She kinda sidestepped my invite of a date but continued to be a little flirty, making comments about what I was wearing when we went all out the other night and how she was checking me out. I've made it clear I fancy her and want to be more than friends. I will probably see her once or twice this week. I think I'll just continue to be myself, be friendly, a little flirty, maybe a little more outgoing than normal and see what happens.

 

Just to add that originally she asked me out, so there was obviously some interest in me at some point, and as I've said in recent weeks she's become more friendly to the point of the other night being like best buddies, albeit with innuendo and flirting. What would you do to try and 'tip the scales' from friendly and flirty to something more?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think she is using you as an ego stroke. But it doesn't seem to be requiring a lot of effort on your part so if you're cool with it carry on but don't expect anything.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Well, update time:

 

I sent a message and told this girl I fancy her still and would like to take her out. There was some back and forth with the messages and ultimately the gist of what she said was that she needs some time and fun first before settling down with someone. I don't know if that's a polite brush off or there's some truth to it - she does seem to have gone through quite a lot of stuff recently. I think also she may have the wrong impression of me, that I want to settle down straight away etc - far from the truth!!!

 

Anyway, as we continued texting there were a couple of kinda flirty messages and she has texted me intermittently since asking if I was out etc over the weekend, when she hasn't done this in months. We agreed it was nice to be speak and be friends again but I made it clear I wanted more than that. So once more I'm confused, she's texting me late at night for no particular reason, sending the odd jokey/flirty message (oh there was a little flirty banter the other night too when we were out and spent a lot of the evening together, almost ignoring all the other people out with us) but seems to hold out on doing something more.

 

Clearly she might just not be that into me, and that would be fair enough, but she indicated in our talk the other day it was a matter of timing for her. I will probably see her a couple of times this week at social gatherings and will just be my usual self and see how she behaves around me. The only thing I'd be interested to know is if there was some way of showing a different side of myself. When I meet people I tend to be quiet to begin with, and I think she wrongly has the impression that that's what I'm like permanently. I suppose I will just have to be more outgoing to show all the true sides of myself and see if that has any affect.

 

It doesn't matter why she apologized. Don't try to get into her head. Observe her behavior with you.

 

she said was that she needs some time and fun first before settling down with someone -- You didn't ask her to settle down with you, you asked her for a date. But, it could mean that she just doesn't want to focus on anyone and keep dating a couple of people. Again, it doesn't really matter what it appears that she is saying. Observe her behavior with you. She did not accept a date, that's the only thing that's clear. Focus on what you know, not what you think she is thinking.

 

And, yes, just be you. Be natural and don't have any expectations.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thanks for the advice.

 

I think things are a little clearer now...maybe. If I'm totally honest a likely scenario is that she fancied me initially, we went out a few times, she wasn't that into it, and so just started to ignore me, some time passed but because we're both part of the same social circle of friends etc, and I continued to behave normally, seeing I'm not a jerk she may have felt guilty about her behaviour and apologised, wanting to just be friends.

 

I know you've said not to try and read what she is thinking and that's most definitely good advice, as doing so is a little frustrating. I mean on the other hand, she asks me out, we go out, get on great, she ignores me after a few dates, then gets friendly again after some time, starts flirting and being friendly but dodges a date request. For some reason I do get the feeling that she thinks going out with me would be settling down in some way. If it wasn't a polite brush off she did say that in her texts to me, that she needs time and fun. Who knows eh! She's a very confident girl in a group but I have seen her vulnerable side, which she has once again shown flashes of to me in the last week or two. The whole situation leaves me confused. I won't go into details of text messages here but there were a few that were quite flirty from the other day which adds to the confusion.

 

Anyway, I was out again last night as part of a group of people and this girl was there. We both just acted normally as part of the group without there being any awkwardness but also no follow on from the other evening in terms of flirting etc. We did speak briefly and casually and at one point we looked right into each other's eyes as if weighing up the other...or so it seemed. I should also see her tonight whist out in a group of friends. Finally, I think your advice is good: have no expectations! Instead of wondering what each little nod or wink or sentence means, since I'm leaning at the moment to thinking she was just being nice and isn't that interested right now in me, it will be an awful lot easier to just be myself and if something happens it happens, if not then so be it!

 

If there's any update from tonight then I'll post a follow up!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Update time: I saw this girl last night and I think it's safe to say we are just friends...for the moment! In a group of people we spoke to each other a few times, had a laugh and a joke along with everyone else there, but there was nothing else really. She is difficult to read though as prior to asking me out last time she did hardly speak to me beforehand, and then later on kind of let slip she had been weighing me up, so who knows what to think! I did notice that she refers to me by name on occasion but doesn't with anyone else we are out with. When we do speak and look each other in the eye there's almost a knowing that we are eyeing each other up - at least that's how it seems to me. However, it is very easy to read too much into things so I won't bother doing that here. She knows how I feel about her, and so I am going to get on with things elsewhere, and if she shows any more signs of interest or something changes a few months down the line, then we'll see what happens then. I wouldn't mind but she is REALLY HOT and so it has been a little frustrating that she blows hot and cold with me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Update time: I saw this girl last night and I think it's safe to say we are just friends...for the moment! In a group of people we spoke to each other a few times, had a laugh and a joke along with everyone else there, but there was nothing else really. She is difficult to read though as prior to asking me out last time she did hardly speak to me beforehand, and then later on kind of let slip she had been weighing me up, so who knows what to think! I did notice that she refers to me by name on occasion but doesn't with anyone else we are out with. When we do speak and look each other in the eye there's almost a knowing that we are eyeing each other up - at least that's how it seems to me. However, it is very easy to read too much into things so I won't bother doing that here. She knows how I feel about her, and so I am going to get on with things elsewhere, and if she shows any more signs of interest or something changes a few months down the line, then we'll see what happens then. I wouldn't mind but she is REALLY HOT and so it has been a little frustrating that she blows hot and cold with me.

 

She is difficult to read - Stop trying to READ her, that's being in her head. Be in your own head and focus on how she's making you FEEL and what her actions and words are. Those two things should be in synch with each other, if they aren't, there's an issue.

 

if she shows any more signs of interest or something changes a few months down the line -- So what you're saying is that you will string yourself along for another month . . .

 

she is REALLY HOT -- Think with the big head, not the little one :) Maybe they are both big, I don't know. However, it's been said that men are the only warm blooded creatures with two heads, but only one works. And, it's not the one with the brain in it . . . :)

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thanks for the reply Redhead.

 

I will try to answer your comments.

 

How does she make me feel? Well, not her fault but I feel a little nervous around her and more quiet than normal because I fancy her big time! At times that feeling disappears depending on the activity we're doing when out together in a group of people, but I find it hard to be my complete self all the time around her. Although we are friends again and there's no bad vibes between us as there was a little while back I do feel like any conversation with her is now loaded with nod, winks, and glances, almost as if she is testing me to see if I'm being a friend or there's something more. That's probably just me looking for things that may not be there. Still, flirty texts are flirty texts, same with the banter, same with the random texting. It all leaves me confused.

 

If she shows signs of interest or something changes... What I meant by that is I will move on and not hang around waiting for her or being stringed along actually. It's a little difficult for me because she's a lovely person so being friends is nice but she knows I want more, but if she has chosen not to act on that then that leaves me little choice but to move on. Depending on my situation months from now, I meant if she was to show interest etc further down the line I would have to see where I was dating wise with anyone else.

 

The she is really hot comment: Well, she is, really hot! I meant here that if it was just someone who was so so (I don't mean to be shallow) then it would be easier to just forget her and move on. Having previously briefly dated this girl, her being friendly and little flirty over this last week or so it's not so easy. As I've said, we're part of the same group of friends so I will continue to see her out and about now and again.

 

Redhead, considering I will see her now and again, and her knowing that I fancy her, her flirting a little etc, what would you recommend I do next? My own thought is to just be myself around her, get over my nerves to be more of myself, be a friend, and then see if anything happens at some point with her whilst I pursue other opportunities. I think I'm done with telling her I like her etc, I wouldn't want to come across as some creep who wouldn't take no for an answer.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Thanks for the reply Redhead.

 

I will try to answer your comments.

 

How does she make me feel? Well, not her fault but I feel a little nervous around her and more quiet than normal because I fancy her big time! At times that feeling disappears depending on the activity we're doing when out together in a group of people, but I find it hard to be my complete self all the time around her. Although we are friends again and there's no bad vibes between us as there was a little while back I do feel like any conversation with her is now loaded with nod, winks, and glances, almost as if she is testing me to see if I'm being a friend or there's something more. That's probably just me looking for things that may not be there. Still, flirty texts are flirty texts, same with the banter, same with the random texting. It all leaves me confused.

 

If she shows signs of interest or something changes... What I meant by that is I will move on and not hang around waiting for her or being stringed along actually. It's a little difficult for me because she's a lovely person so being friends is nice but she knows I want more, but if she has chosen not to act on that then that leaves me little choice but to move on. Depending on my situation months from now, I meant if she was to show interest etc further down the line I would have to see where I was dating wise with anyone else.

 

The she is really hot comment: Well, she is, really hot! I meant here that if it was just someone who was so so (I don't mean to be shallow) then it would be easier to just forget her and move on. Having previously briefly dated this girl, her being friendly and little flirty over this last week or so it's not so easy. As I've said, we're part of the same group of friends so I will continue to see her out and about now and again.

 

Redhead, considering I will see her now and again, and her knowing that I fancy her, her flirting a little etc, what would you recommend I do next? My own thought is to just be myself around her, get over my nerves to be more of myself, be a friend, and then see if anything happens at some point with her whilst I pursue other opportunities. I think I'm done with telling her I like her etc, I wouldn't want to come across as some creep who wouldn't take no for an answer.

 

Don't be projecting out to the future. Be in the now. Right now, she's not giving you enough to feel confident about her interest level. Leave it at that. You're friends. Forget about what could or what you want to happen with her in the future.

 

I wouldn't want to come across as some creep who wouldn't take no for an answer. -- The truth is that you're basically accepting a friendship while secretly hoping for more. If she continues to be lackluster and only behaving as a friend, it's going to be difficult to maintain an arm's length relationship and you'll get frustrated. Eventually, you may start pushing harder again while ignoring the possibly continued signs she only wants to be friends. Tread lightly and guard your heart with this one.

 

For now, take your focus off of her. Date others and be in those moments and evaluate whether any of those women are meeting your early dating requirements at least.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry if I'm missing something here but why don't you just date her casually? Sounds like she doesn't want anything "serious" just yet but at least ask her out on a date.

 

I wouldn't say anything more to her about how you feel about her or what you would like to eventually happen - ie. to be in a relationship with her. Let that unfold naturally - it will either happen or not.

 

And date other girls too so you don't get hung up with this one girl. If it works out, great. If it doesn't no problem.

 

I'm getting the impression that you could very easily be friend zoned here if you continue the way you're going.

Edited by xcupid
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

@xcupid - thanks for posting. I did date her. If you see my earlier messages it roughly goes over things. I think you're onto something though, I get the impression that she's not ready to 'settle down' and it would seem that because I've said how much I'm into her, she's taken it to mean I have deep feelings about her and that she would see dating me as doing just that, being in a relationship. I don't plan on spending much time guessing on these things though and I could be completely wrong about the above.

 

@redhead - thanks for the advice - it makes perfect sense. You're right, I know I have to be careful about her in a few different ways. I would never be the guy who won't take no for an answer. If there's no clear, and I mean clear, signs of interest then I will not approach her at all over dates etc. I have done that these last few months and I think it earnt respect because it led to her apology for her behaviour whilst dating previously, and whilst apologising she commented on how I'd continued on as normal etc. Yeah, I do fancy her rotten and so whilst being friends would like more, but that's just something I'll have to deal with if it turns out to be the case. My final thought on this is that I guess I appear a little quiet or shy for her taste. In the near future there should be an occasion to go out and have some drinks, and then I will show another (good) side to myself which might change things, but we'll see!

 

Of course I'll date other people. Maybe it's just 'the one that got away' thing but you know when someone really gets under your skin in a good way, this is like that. Same age, similar interests, get on well etc etc. At risk of repeating myself, if this was someone who I had a mild interest in then fine, walk away, don't think about it again. The fact that we have dated, she showed the initial interest, we do get on well and all that, and that she's recently become friendly and a tad flirty only adds to the confusion/frustration. I'm sure if it's meant to be it's meant to be. Maybe I'll be back here in a few months with an update - who knows!

 

Thanks for the advice anyway!!! :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

She's friendly because she thinks you've finally got the message that she's not interested in dating you anymore.

 

When you first dated she may have been interested (or ambivalent), but the fact that she started dating someone else during the very brief period she was dating you and then dropped you altogether, says that she realized that you weren't what she was looking for. That's not going to change.

 

She likes you as a friend. Everything that you've described are actions that people do when they are friendly and social. I accept lifts from friends. I hang out with them in groups. Because you really like her romantically, you're reading meaning into every minor detail, when frankly, it's just not there. (I mean, calling you by name is a sign of romantic interest? You're clutching for straws.)

 

She's told you directly she's not interested in dating you. Her actions (e.g. declining your requests) for another date clearly align with that. "I want to look around, not date you...I'm not ready to settle down" is a less harsh way of saying I have zero interest in dating you. At the end of the day, both statements convey the same thing--I don't want to date you. Most guys would get the message and stop. Unfortunately, you're so interested in her, that you're choosing to ignore a direct message.

 

You can torture yourself by waiting around and repeatedly trying in hopes that she might eventually change her mind (she won't), or you can accept what she's told you and move on to someone else.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thanks angel.eyes for your comments.

 

Overall I think you're pretty much bang on, as much as I'd like you to be wrong haha. Our dating was pretty brief, only a couple of dates, but I don't think it overlapped with anyone else, not that that matters really now. I had seen her several times over the few months period since we dated but she was distant and largely ignored me, and throughout that time I made no move towards her again. I think she accepted the lift recently as an opportunity to make her apology. I don't think I explained properly what I meant by her using my name but it doesn't really matter now.

 

Maybe a previous poster is right in saying it was an ego stroke for her - she had just been dumped after briefly dating someone else. I think we are wired to look for signs and maybe things that aren't there when we are interested in someone, particularly someone who we've dated before when they show signs of being 'friendly' again. That doesn't explain spending a large part of the evening with mainly myself, the bit of flirty banter and texts though, although the proof is indeed in the pudding - she dodged/declined my offer of a date.

 

There is a little more than meets the eye here in terms of what has been said and went on etc that I don't think I've explained very well, but I won't waste any more time on her. I'll still be her friend but I am already dating someone else. Again, however unlikely, should things change again in the future I'd just have to evaluate that situation then, but I won't be holding my breath! Thanks for all your comments, it's been much appreciated!

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...