Lots of interest signs, but she has a bf

[The Octopus]

So there is this girl I've gotten to know. She lives in a city 2.5 hours away from me, but for the past month we have been texting back and forth almost every day, sometimes several times throughout the day. At work we are emailing back and forth all day and have gotten to know each other pretty well. It definitely seems like she is sending strong interest signs. She initiates contact with me slightly more often than I do with her. We have seemingly compatible personalities.

 

So this past week she had begun hinting several times about coming to my town to watch me play a sport or wanting to eat at this steak place or wanting the grand tour. Then a few days later she says then its about time time we meet up then eh? So I plan to go to her town ostensibly for "shopping" and she is like great we can meet up then! Super enthusiastic and all.

 

So this would all be super easy to interpret, if she didn't have this boyfriend. Now I would have bailed when I heard that a few weeks ago, but he is this butt ugly dude. Overweight, unkept, mop on his head, kind of guy. He has a pretty menial job at a fast food joint, got fired from a walmart style place, and she pays all the bills. So I figure why not keep lurking, figuring maybe she will like the strong horse over the weak horse. To say I would be an upgrade to her is quite the understatement. She kind of has a low opinion of herself, so I'm not sure if she would have the courage to leave him. She is very cute but doesn't think it. She has only mentioned him once, has not said a word about his existence since.

 

So it's not really much of a question, I know what I'll do when I go to her town next week. Go out with her one on one and just act like he doesn't exist. Flirt, kino, etc, hope for at least a kiss close. See how far she lets me take it to test if its genuine interest she is showing or just leading me along. Its almost like the a challenge to see if I can get her from this bum. But him and then being 2.5 hours away might be a bridge too far. Or her interest signals are real and she's ready to upgrade her life. Guess I'll find out next week.

[seixal]

I think that if you believe there is enough evidence of interest on her end why not try to escalate things?

Maybe she is unhappy with her current boyfriend and is already what around to overlap so to speak. I don't think people can steal someone else's bf or gf for the simple reason that people belong to themselves and relationships are not a business contract agreement but meant to make people happy.

 

This being said conservative as this forum is be prepared for a lot of vitriol, preaching, and right act reading.

[TunaInTheBrine]

The decision is ultimately yours. You might want to think about what you want from her long-term if you haven't already.

 

From the way you describe it, you probably have a good chance of at least having sex with her.

 

If you want something beyond a fling with her, like er...a relationship, that's great, but you may at some point (like when the sparks fade) start to wonder if she'll do the same thing to you that she did to her ex.

 

If I were that unhappy in a relationship, I would end it already.

[deathandtaxes]

You're pretty funny saying you would have let things be had this guy not been how you describe him. come on, OP, that's bs. What if he were a decent dude? What then?

 

I think she's just using you for the attention. And why bother on somebody that lives over two and a half hours away?

[ktya]

A lot of girls like having the security of having a boyfriend, and when they move on they have sex with the new guy then break up with the old one.

 

Seeing as your over 2 hours away you probably seem like a safe bet and she won't run into the ex bf when she's with you.

 

Go for it, I would.

[IronZ]

It's very similar to my situation. Met a great girl who's beautiful and I connected with so well. She and I text each other all the time. I feel as if we flirt.

 

Only downside is the bf. And like in your situation, I am a definite upgrade to this guy. He's still in college and has no job. The two of them live together in his parents' house. Meanwhile I make a good living and have an advanced degree. I think I'm a pretty good looking guy (not trying to gloat or anything), I'm intelligent/educated, charming, gentlemanly, funny, kind, etc. I don't see how she would ever choose him over me if she got to make that choice.

 

Like in your situation I've gotta basically see if I can sway her away from the bf. It's a tough act my friend. Like others have said it's so easy for a girl to have that security and it's easier not to rock the boat. Good luck. I know I'm going to need it as well.

[mr_dave]

Why would anyone want a girl that can be like that with her boyfriend?

[The Octopus]

Good luck IronZ!!! You might as well try and go for it. If she fails the test and picks the bum, your respect for her will drop pretty quick and you'll be able to get her out of your head faster than you thought.

[Gary S]

Never mess with a woman who's heart is already taken - the odds say you'll loose.

[Jimmyy18]

Maebe she wants to switch. Good job

[kendahke]

So there is this girl I've gotten to know. She lives in a city 2.5 hours away from me, but for the past month we have been texting back and forth almost every day, sometimes several times throughout the day. At work we are emailing back and forth all day and have gotten to know each other pretty well. It definitely seems like she is sending strong interest signs. She initiates contact with me slightly more often than I do with her. We have seemingly compatible personalities.

 

So this past week she had begun hinting several times about coming to my town to watch me play a sport or wanting to eat at this steak place or wanting the grand tour. Then a few days later she says then its about time time we meet up then eh? So I plan to go to her town ostensibly for "shopping" and she is like great we can meet up then! Super enthusiastic and all.

 

So this would all be super easy to interpret, if she didn't have this boyfriend. Now I would have bailed when I heard that a few weeks ago, but he is this butt ugly dude. Overweight, unkept, mop on his head, kind of guy. He has a pretty menial job at a fast food joint, got fired from a walmart style place, and she pays all the bills. So I figure why not keep lurking, figuring maybe she will like the strong horse over the weak horse. To say I would be an upgrade to her is quite the understatement. She kind of has a low opinion of herself, so I'm not sure if she would have the courage to leave him. She is very cute but doesn't think it. She has only mentioned him once, has not said a word about his existence since.

 

So it's not really much of a question, I know what I'll do when I go to her town next week. Go out with her one on one and just act like he doesn't exist. Flirt, kino, etc, hope for at least a kiss close. See how far she lets me take it to test if its genuine interest she is showing or just leading me along. Its almost like the a challenge to see if I can get her from this bum. But him and then being 2.5 hours away might be a bridge too far. Or her interest signals are real and she's ready to upgrade her life. Guess I'll find out next week.

 

Be true to your screen name---blast her with a cloud of ink and jet away from this. If she was really of the mind to leave him, she'd have done it.

 

If she'd use you to get away from him, she'll use another guy to get away from you. You want someone who comes to you of their own volition, with their mind resolved that a relationship with you is good policy. The last thing you need is to waste your time convincing someone that you're better than but reluctant to leave the person that they're with.

[kendahke]

It's very similar to my situation. Met a great girl who's beautiful and I connected with so well. She and I text each other all the time. I feel as if we flirt.

 

Only downside is the bf. And like in your situation, I am a definite upgrade to this guy. He's still in college and has no job. The two of them live together in his parents' house. Meanwhile I make a good living and have an advanced degree. I think I'm a pretty good looking guy (not trying to gloat or anything), I'm intelligent/educated, charming, gentlemanly, funny, kind, etc. I don't see how she would ever choose him over me if she got to make that choice.

 

Like in your situation I've gotta basically see if I can sway her away from the bf. It's a tough act my friend. Like others have said it's so easy for a girl to have that security and it's easier not to rock the boat. Good luck. I know I'm going to need it as well.

 

 

Don't be Captain Save-a-chick.

 

The qualities you've listed about yourself should be better spent on a woman who isn't already with someone else. If she'd leave him to be with you, she'll leave you to be with someone else who has/does better. There is always someone better out there and it's a matter of time before her head gets turned by him. She's proving to you that she has no integrity if she's allowing you entre into her psyche and intimacy to the point where you think you have a chance at popping her up out of her current situation.

 

You'll be spending all of your time trying to keep her from straying and that is no way to live.

[smackie9]

Just be upfront with her simple as that. You want to keep seeing her but she needs to ditch the BF.

[smackie9]

I was in your shoes, but he ended up staying with his GF, wasting MY time.

[seixal]

Be true to your screen name---blast her with a cloud of ink and jet away from this. If she was really of the mind to leave him, she'd have done it.

 

If she'd use you to get away from him, she'll use another guy to get away from you. You want someone who comes to you of their own volition, with their mind resolved that a relationship with you is good policy. The last thing you need is to waste your time convincing someone that you're better than but reluctant to leave the person that they're with.

 

I was wondering when this "law of nature" statement would show up in the conversation, check!

Now even though there are trends in human relationships they do not really apply at the individual level for the simple reason that we don't know where in the curve that girl stands as every one is different. The fact that this girl is sort of looking around behind her boyfriend's back is not necessarily a sign of low morals. Maybe she is unhappy with her current bf and finding herself single might be something frightening for her. Many girls "overlap" relationships specially at adult age because your social tissue such as family and friends may not be as close as in high school or college and being alone is seen as a scary situation. Leaving an old relationship before starting a new one is the correct way to go but it's easier said than done.

Does that mean she will ditch you for someone else? Most relationships, including marriages end up in break ups sooner or later no matter what, so her being with someone might have nothing to do with it.

 

Maybe she is considering a relationship with you, maybe she just wants validation because she is bored in her LTR, maybe she is just looking to have sex on the side. No one knows and every statement is a guess. The only way to know is to go for it, I would. Just make sure you know what you want and do not allocate more than reasonable time to get it. Also know when it's time to move on.

Edited July 4, 2015 by seixal

[fitnessfan365]

So you basically want to drive 2 1/2 hrs to be used for a free meal? As you say, her BF is a bum with a crappy job and she handles all their finances. So she wants to be treated to a good meal and fun night out for a change.

 

Also, even if you ignore the long distance and her wanting to be entertained, she's shown she has no character. I mean any woman that chats up another guy for weeks while she still has a boyfriend is shady.

[Vercetti]

Why would you want to be with a girl that's with such a trashy loser. How do you even know he is such a loser, he had something she likes given she lives with him. How would you like to be the new guy, while she chats with someone else how pathetic you are.

 

Just saying, if she does this to the other guy what would stop her from doing it to you. Even if you have everything together, some girls keep playing musicial forbidden fruit relationship game.

 

Go for it if want, but if get hit with a I'm trapped how much you make we should get a place story right off...well.

[kendahke]

I was wondering when this "law of nature" statement would show up in the conversation, check!

 

Human nature is all I need to go on.

 

The rest of that was an exercise in apologistic excuses.

 

If you're that unhappy in your relationship, you get out of it. You don't start auditioning your partner's replacement behind his back especially if you're living with them and need them to support you, as this chick does.

[loveflower]

So you basically want to drive 2 1/2 hrs to be used for a free meal? As you say, her BF is a bum with a crappy job and she handles all their finances. So she wants to be treated to a good meal and fun night out for a change.

 

Also, even if you ignore the long distance and her wanting to be entertained, she's shown she has no character. I mean any woman that chats up another guy for weeks while she still has a boyfriend is shady.

 

exactly

 

for me, I won't be attracted to a man who has a crappy girlfriend...it just says so much about his taste and characters.

[IronZ]

I was wondering when this "law of nature" statement would show up in the conversation, check!

Now even though there are trends in human relationships they do not really apply at the individual level for the simple reason that we don't know where in the curve that girl stands as every one is different. The fact that this girl is sort of looking around behind her boyfriend's back is not necessarily a sign of low morals. Maybe she is unhappy with her current bf and finding herself single might be something frightening for her. Many girls "overlap" relationships specially at adult age because your social tissue such as family and friends may not be as close as in high school or college and being alone is seen as a scary situation. Leaving an old relationship before starting a new one is the correct way to go but it's easier said than done.

Does that mean she will ditch you for someone else? Most relationships, including marriages end up in break ups sooner or later no matter what, so her being with someone might have nothing to do with it.

 

Maybe she is considering a relationship with you, maybe she just wants validation because she is bored in her LTR, maybe she is just looking to have sex on the side. No one knows and every statement is a guess. The only way to know is to go for it, I would. Just make sure you know what you want and do not allocate more than reasonable time to get it. Also know when it's time to move on.

 

I second this. Trust me being alone in your late 20s (my case) or your 30s is a scary thing. I've had countless dates this past year alone and so far I've not had much luck. Just because you can get dates does not mean they will work out. Everyone is looking for that special person that makes them happy and will go the distance. What's wrong with a girl meeting someone while in a relationship and discovering that person is the right guy?

 

We shouldn't just assume she is a scandalous person and a cheater who will one day break your heart just the same. I think everyone out there is more or less looking for love. Us being on this site is a testament to that. That's why I am going for it in my situation. I will give her the impression that I'm interested, and if she sees something good in me then we can take it from there. Of course, if it gets sketchy and it doesn't move in the direction I want, I won't waste my time.

[The Octopus]

I will give her the impression that I'm interested, and if she sees something good in me then we can take it from there. Of course, if it gets sketchy and it doesn't move in the direction I want, I won't waste my time.

 

Bingo! The sooner I can meet up with her for real, the sooner I can test her to see what she is really up to. If she just wants a text buddy but sends them all day every day, then I can quickly figure it out and bail and stop wasting my time. However if she is really interested, I can figure that out pretty quick too. Better to just go there and "give her the free meal" as someone said than to just keep playing the text game for months on end without really knowing how she actually thinks.

[fred123]

i have been in your shoes. thinking she must like me. but i was just a friend or an emotional tampon who she complained to about her boyfriend. i was even thinking if they ever broke up i would at least be her rebound sex guy but no. when she broke up she slept with other guys and told me about them. i never had a chance to even sleep with her.

 

you might well be in my shoes. completely friend zoned.

I'm thinking in terms of if i was a girl who had a boyfriend and was attracted/liked another guy i wouldn't be on the phone and contact with him a lot. id only do that to a guy i met but had no interest whatsoever cos I'm so comfortable knowing I'm not attracted to him. can girls on here verify this?

[cessna]

You say that you'd be an upgrade on her current boyfriend. How do you know that? He might be a really decent guy who just hasn't got his break in life yet. You come across as a dick the way you talk about him.

 

You know what, I don't have a job right now and I'm not the best looking guy but I'm a decent person and I treat people with respect.

 

And if you two do meet up and something happens, then what? Would you want to date a girl that's cheating on her boyfriend to be with you? If she cheats on him she'll cheat on you.

Edited July 5, 2015 by cessna

[kendahke]

I second this. Trust me being alone in your late 20s (my case) or your 30s is a scary thing. I've had countless dates this past year alone and so far I've not had much luck. Just because you can get dates does not mean they will work out. Everyone is looking for that special person that makes them happy and will go the distance. What's wrong with a girl meeting someone while in a relationship and discovering that person is the right guy?

 

We shouldn't just assume she is a scandalous person and a cheater who will one day break your heart just the same. I think everyone out there is more or less looking for love. Us being on this site is a testament to that. That's why I am going for it in my situation. I will give her the impression that I'm interested, and if she sees something good in me then we can take it from there. Of course, if it gets sketchy and it doesn't move in the direction I want, I won't waste my time.

 

 

I seriously doubt you'd say that if you had a vibrant dating/relationship life.

 

It's sketchy from the get-go and will get nothing but more sketchy.

 

Just remember your words when you are the boyfriend she wants to get away from.

[poppy89]

Sounds to me like this is just a game to you. You've said it yourself, it's a 'challenge' to see if you can get her off her boyfriend. But is getting your leg over really worth leaving the other guy's life in tatters? Seems like he has enough on his plate with a girlfriend who spends her days messaging other men. Is that the kind of girl you want anyway? No wonder you aren't taking her seriously.