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The Slow Fade


TunaInTheBrine

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TunaInTheBrine

I've been seeing/sleeping with someone who is pulling the slow fade on me (not responding to texts/outreach contact). I'd like to call them out on it somehow or dish it back, but I'm not sure how. Anyone have experience/success doing this in a way that they felt gave them their dignity back?

 

If it is one date only and there's no chemistry, I don't expect to hear back from someone and I don't always follow up myself, but when you've been seeing someone for more than two dates and/or sleeping with them, I think there should be some kind of "I'm not feeling this" conversation for maturity's sake. If it were one date, I'd let it go. But multiple dates/sex, I think we shouldn't let people get away with it. It only encourages and globalizes the non-communication problem.

 

Maybe we need to start leaving voicemails for people who do this to us and simply say "I've got news: I tested positive [click]". :laugh:

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I've been seeing/sleeping with someone who is pulling the slow fade on me (not responding to texts/outreach contact). I'd like to call them out on it somehow or dish it back, but I'm not sure how. Anyone have experience/success doing this in a way that they felt gave them their dignity back?

 

If it is one date only and there's no chemistry, I don't expect to hear back from someone and I don't always follow up myself, but when you've been seeing someone for more than two dates and/or sleeping with them, I think there should be some kind of "I'm not feeling this" conversation for maturity's sake. If it were one date, I'd let it go. But multiple dates/sex, I think we shouldn't let people get away with it. It only encourages and globalizes the non-communication problem.

 

Maybe we need to start leaving voicemails for people who do this to us and simply say "I've got news: I tested positive [click]". :laugh:

 

The only way to maintain grace and dignity in these situations is to not do anything. Chasing them in anyway after they've stopped responding does nothing but annoy them and makes you one of the crazy Ex's. Yes, he should have been more a stand up guy, but this happens all the time. Bottomline, they do it this way because it's easier for them. They don't care what you have to say and/or don't want to see some kind of emotional display.

 

Focus on yourself and your own needs, because he sure wasn't . . . If nothing else, contacting him again will fuel his ego and give him the idea that he can come back whenever he's horny and not getting it any where else at the moment because you just couldn't let him go.

Edited by Redhead14
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The only way to maintain grace and dignity in these situations is to not do anything. Chasing them in anyway after they've stopped responding does nothing but annoy them and makes you one of the crazy Ex's. Yes, he should have been more a stand up guy, but this happens all the time. Bottomline, they do it this way because it's easier for them. They don't care what you have to say and/or don't want to see some kind of emotional display.

 

Focus on yourself and your own needs, because he sure wasn't . . . If nothing else, contacting him again will fuel his ego and give him the idea that he can come back whenever he's horny and not getting it any where else at the moment because you just couldn't let him go.

 

^^^ This

 

 

Both sexes do this. It's become the norm in the dating world. They key you should focus on is why you're taking it so personal.

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fitnessfan365

Slow Fade - They're still technically in your life. But now they're taking 3x as long to return calls/texts. Or they're still getting together with you, but the frequency is reduced because they're a lot more busy, etc.. This is more of a warning sign. They still like you, but are communicating that your behavior is starting to turn them off. So you mirror their actions, pull back, and let them come to you more.

 

Fade Out - Unfortunately this is where you are OP. It's when someone just stops responding all together and they communicate with their actions they're no longer interested.

 

When a fade out happens, the best thing you can do is use common sense and take it at face value. When it comes to break ups, women usually prefer to be polite. That's why they reject using compliments and cliches. So even if she was to give you a reason, what are the odds it would be the actual truth anyways? In the end, whatever she would tell you doesn't change the end result. So you might as well keep your dignity.

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I am fairly certain the OP is male......

 

So not sure if it changes some advice that has been presented.....

 

Probably not as women are certainly capable of fading..... same as men.

 

That said though, my advice would be to give her a ring to determine if she's okay.....BEFORE you decide to blow her off.

 

I would give the same advice to a woman. Shyt happens. If you have been sharing some great times, and great sex, don't assume the worst just yet.

 

Give her a ring.....not a text.

 

Maybe she is pulling back to see if you care?

 

I dunno, it's possible.

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Slow Fade - They're still technically in your life. But now they're taking 3x as long to return calls/texts. Or they're still getting together with you, but the frequency is reduced because they're a lot more busy, etc.. This is more of a warning sign. They still like you, but are communicating that your behavior is starting to turn them off. So you mirror their actions, pull back, and let them come to you more.

 

Fade Out - Unfortunately this is where you are OP. It's when someone just stops responding all together and they communicate with their actions they're no longer interested.

 

When a fade out happens, the best thing you can do is use common sense and take it at face value. When it comes to break ups, women usually prefer to be polite. That's why they reject using compliments and cliches. So even if she was to give you a reason, what are the odds it would be the actual truth anyways? In the end, whatever she would tell you doesn't change the end result. So you might as well keep your dignity.

 

True, but why assume the worst before getting all the facts about the situation first?

 

We don't know how the OP was interacting with her.....perhaps she felt he did not give a shyt so she is pulling back?

 

We are only hearing HIS side!

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acrosstheuniverse

You can't dish a 'slow fade out' back at someone, the key is that they're fading out because they simply don't care. If you try show them you don't care in return they probably won't even notice.

 

No point calling them out on it either. I mean, if you're committed to no longer chasing them, you're 100% done, there's nothing wrong with a message to say that you're moving on, wish them the best but aren't hanging around for someone who doesn't put any effort in. But only if it gives you closure, NOT to try get a rise, or get them more interested, because it simply won't work.

 

Whenever I've been on the receiving end from the slow fade out I immediately fade out to zilch myself and move on! Don't pretend you wanna call them out on it for some kind of greater good relating to how humans communicate to one another and showing each other decency... you trying to call this guy out on a fade out isn't gonna do a thing for that 'cause', you're probably just using it as an excuse to try and get some attention from them whether it's good or bad, a last ditch attempt. For as long as humans have been communicating, people have been ducking their heads down and avoiding eye contact or communication with people they're no longer attracted to or who they don't wanna bother with anymore. It's human nature to try and avoid difficult conversations, slow faders are simply hoping you'll take the hint and move on, which is exactly what you should do. Let's face it, unless you're in an exclusive committed relationship they don't owe you anything anyway.

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True, but why assume the worst before getting all the facts about the situation first?

 

We don't know how the OP was interacting with her.....perhaps she felt he did not give a shyt so she is pulling back?

 

We are only hearing HIS side!

 

^^Case in point....

 

I can't post links to other threads, but I refer y'all to a recent thread created by waiting4u (female) called "Slow Fade Before Mini-break.'

 

There was a misunderstanding and she hung up on him.

 

HE assumed it meant she was breaking up with him ....so he pulled back and went silent. Ignored her attempts to reach out...via text.

 

SHE assumed because he went silent, it meant HE was pulling the fade.

 

SHE gathered the courage to CALL him to clarify things.

 

They talked, and realized they had both completely misinterpreted the other's responses!.

 

HE mistakenly thought SHE was breaking up and SHE thought he was pulling the fade.

 

Based on HER side of the story.... LS confirmed he was pulling the fade and advised her to just go no contact and move on!

 

Thank goodness she did not listen to that advice .....as she called him, they talked, resolved the issue, and are now happily back together, spending the weekend together camping...and stronger as a couple for having resolved the issue!

 

Just sain......OP don't assume anything. Get all the facts FIRST before taking final action.

 

Misunderstandings, especially in the beginning are very common. Maybe she has lost interest.....or maybe not! Maybe it's something else.

 

If you give a shyt, it would behoove you to find out....

 

Good luck!

Edited by katiegrl
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He who rejects the other and gets out first feels better about the whole thing. When the love plane is going down, there is only one parachute.

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He who rejects the other and gets out first feels better about the whole thing. When the love plane is going down, there is only one parachute.

 

Gary, pls read my above post.....no. 8. :bunny::bunny:

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Simple focus on yourself. Slow fade is really annoying. I wish the person would just straight up they arent interested in you instead of just trying to be slick. People are so weak and childish sometimes.

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Gary, pls read my above post.....no. 8. :bunny::bunny:

 

 

 

- if you were to drop someone by mistake - if they really care, they will usually contact you and set you straight. It's not an issue.

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He who rejects the other and gets out first feels better about the whole thing. When the love plane is going down, there is only one parachute.

 

You know I am beginning to wonder if anyone knows how to develop a relationship anymore.

 

So quick to assume the worst..... then launch. Ugh.

 

Do people not know how to communicate anymore?

 

How the hell do people expect to resolve a conflict, misunderstanding or confusion if they don't communicate?

 

What's the worst that could happen? He/she tells you they have lost interest or lies and gives you a BS excuse essentially saying the same thing. So what? Will you die? Or "lose your dignity"?

 

No! You confirm what is truly happening (instead of assuming/guessing)....and act accordingly based on that....

 

JMO....but that approach has always worked for me and I have had three LTRs, including current.

 

That is not to say that I haven't flat out faded on guys who behaved in ways that warranted my fading. Like standing me up, lying, etc.

 

But the OP's situation is not one of them, IMO.

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There was a misunderstanding and she hung up on him.

 

HE assumed it meant she was breaking up with him ....so he pulled back and went silent. Ignored her attempts to reach out...via text.

 

SHE assumed because he went silent, it meant HE was pulling the fade.

 

2 people playing the stupid game of passive aggressive silent treatment. She "hangs up on him" and he "gives her the silent treatment". It's clear how the dynamic between those two will be going forward. So what they clarified a "misunderstanding" and are back together at the moment. They clearly do not know how to communicate in a mature and efficient manner, this one will last only until the next misunderstanding when she hangs up on him again.

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2 people playing the stupid game of passive aggressive silent treatment. She "hangs up on him" and he "gives her the silent treatment". It's clear how the dynamic between those two will be going forward. So what they clarified a "misunderstanding" and are back together at the moment. They clearly do not know how to communicate in a mature and efficient manner, this one will last only until the next misunderstanding when she hangs up on him again.

 

Agree! Which brings me to refer you to my last post above (no 13) re communication. :)

 

In any event, my point with waiting4u's story was that at least she called to clarify ...instead of assuming the worst that he was fading.

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Katie, if the person has good intuition, they already know what is happening - they just don't want to accept it.

 

I agree that communication is paramount in a relationship.... but after two dates (the op mentioned two dates), there really isn't even a relationship established yet? I mean, you have to have a vested interest to want to communicate to be motivated. After two dates, you really don't have much to work with.

 

For what it's worth Katie, I don't like it either. But I have to tell people how it works, reality - not fantasy, the way I would like it to work. Don't shoot the messenger.... mr. ociffer, I didn't do it, mang!

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^ Agree with katie, why not make an inquiry or two? (Chances are if she's gone she won't answer anyway but still.) Just to satisfy your curiosity and get any unresolved questions answered. After that, to maintain your dignity, I agree with what others have suggested about just letting it go. Don't act out or seek revenge or whatever. That's not dignity, it's wounded pride. Usually dignity is an inward thing that's determined by how we react to situations, not an outward thing based on actions we take or 'getting even,' etc.

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^^^^you'll walk right into rejection, people's worst fear. Only fools rush in. I'm just sayin'.

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^ Agree with katie, why not make an inquiry or two? (Chances are if she's gone she won't answer anyway but still.) Just to satisfy your curiosity and get any unresolved questions answered. After that, to maintain your dignity, I agree with what others have suggested about just letting it go. Don't act out or seek revenge or whatever. That's not dignity, it's wounded pride. Usually dignity is an inward thing that's determined by how we react to situations, not an outward thing based on actions we take or 'getting even,' etc.

 

Thank you Jen! :)

 

Sometimes I feel like I am a lone wolf on this board, and that some folks think I am totally off my rocker with my opinion sometimes.

 

Agree with you about dignity and pride too. And ego!

 

Your ego, pride and dignity won't keep you warm at night.

 

Take a risk!

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^^^^you'll walk right into rejection, people's worst fear. Only fools rush in. I'm just sayin'.

 

So what? Again will you die if you get rejected? Is your ego really "that" fragile"?

 

On the other hand, maybe it IS a misunderstanding of feelings of some sort.

 

Like I said, if you give a shyt, would not it behovve you to find out?

 

If you DON'T give a shyt, then fine let it go.

 

But it sounds like the OP "does" give a shyt.

 

That's all I'm sain.

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Walking into rejection when you know ahead of time it's a bad idea is like repeatedly putting your hand on a hot stove and burning yourself again and again. If you are dumb or like pain, go for it. I'm just sayin'!

 

Maybe it would help if the OP would share the whole story of this short relationship.

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So what? Again will you die if you get rejected? Is your ego really "that" fragile"?

 

On the other hand, maybe it IS a misunderstanding of feelings of some sort.

 

Like I said, if you give a shyt, would not it behovve you to find out?

 

If you DON'T give a shyt, then fine let it go.

 

But it sounds like the OP "does" give a shyt.

 

That's all I'm sain.

 

 

Katie,

 

 

I get what you're saying here but.. it was only two dates and the person vanished. Sometimes you don't need to put your hand on the stove to know you'll get burned. I agree with the intuition as well. Most of the time when you feel like they are fading, you're instincts are right.

 

 

You did make a valid point on referencing that other thread but they'd been dating for a couple of months and there were extenuating circumstances involved (her temper/poor handling of things). BTW, I don't think anyone who read her threads thinks that R/S will last much longer.

 

 

Again, I do agree with you that IN SOME CASES, people need to pick up the damn phone and get clarity! :)

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Wait, I recall you talking about approaching other women in other threads, so this can't come as a surprise to you, can it?

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^^^^you'll walk right into rejection, people's worst fear. Only fools rush in. I'm just sayin'.

 

I really don't understand this at all. If they're already not talking to you, you're already being rejected, so getting it verbally would somehow be worse than that? Confirmation of rejection as opposed to suspicion of rejection? Seems really fearful to me.

 

And then like katie says, what if there's just some misunderstanding? Maybe she's just pissed he forgot her birthday or sth and if he fades himself the whole collapse would be centered around a simple misunderstanding. Unlikely, but you never know unless - you guessed it - you find out. :p

 

Most ppl are adults and they're able to deal with this stuff reasonably well, so I don't think the hide or run scared suggestions are really helpful.

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