Apparently I'm bad at texting

[DJOkawari]

I've been back out in the dating world for a little bit now and I have this issue when meeting girls just through daily life (that is, not through OLD) I seem to run into a recurring situation:

 

I'll meet a girl that I think is great. We hit it off and she says something like "Let's get together some time". So I take down her number or fb and a bit later I contact her. No response.

 

This has happened to me a couple times recently and at first I believed it to be some external circumstance that had more to do with her life than mine. But, given the frequency I really think it has something to do with me and how I'm contacting them. It'd be really helpful if I received any sort of response as I just want to get to know them (romance, friendship, whatever).

 

 

I guess my questions boil down to:

 

1. What do you guys/gals send/want to receive in terms of a "first text".

 

I just send a quick: "Hey it was great seeing you, are you free some time this week?"

 

2. If I've messaged her and she hasn't responded, then should I follow up with anything or just leave it?

 

I can understand how this scenario could happen if I was approaching these girls but, they usually make the initial moves.

 

For example in one scenario: this girl recognized me (we had met once before) and reintroduced herself to me and we talked for a bit. She brought up hanging out. We were both on our way to the exit but I still had something to take care of so I went to do that and when I ended up leaving (maybe 5 minutes later) she was at the exit looking at me (it appeared to me, to be waiting for me). So, we chatted a bit more outside, talked about making plans, and split. I messaged her and she didn't respond.

 

Scenario #2. I went on a date or two with this girl a little while back but we didn't quite keep it going. I saw her while out and she seemed enthusiastic about seeing me. We chatted briefly. I messaged her the next day...no response obviously. I see her on the street today and we're walking opposite ways but she stops, big smile on her face, making jokes, and I'm walking away from the situation and she's turned and keeping the conversation going. It was overall a really pleasant interaction. I was just walking away because to me, if you ignore me, you're not interested in any part of me. Am I wrong?

 

The big issue I have is we even talk about specific things that would be fun to do together and I don't even get a response when I message them. When I see them in person again, they're super friendly and (from not just my impression, but also from friends who are there) flirty. I'm just confused and I blame myself mostly because the girls have put in significantly more effort in terms of approaching and making hints than people would really expect them to. I really feel like it comes down to something I've done.

 

Finally, it hurts extra because I went through this with my ex as well. We broke up, she a few months later wanted to reconcile and the same scenario occurred: in person she was lovely, but she ignored texts whenever it was convenient for her and I haven't talked to her in months now but apparently I've got this chip on my shoulder.

 

I can elaborate if you guys need.

Edited July 3, 2015 by DJOkawari

[galgal818]

I've been back out in the dating world for a little bit now and I have this issue when meeting girls just through daily life (that is, not through OLD) I seem to run into a recurring situation:

 

I'll meet a girl that I think is great. We hit it off and she says something like "Let's get together some time". So I take down her number or fb and a bit later I contact her. No response.

 

This has happened to me a couple times recently and at first I believed it to be some external circumstance that had more to do with her life than mine. But, given the frequency I really think it has something to do with me and how I'm contacting them. It'd be really helpful if I received any sort of response as I just want to get to know them (romance, friendship, whatever).

 

 

I guess my questions boil down to:

 

1. What do you guys/gals send/want to receive in terms of a "first text".

 

I just send a quick: "Hey it was great seeing you, are you free some time this week?"

 

2. If I've messaged her and she hasn't responded, then should I follow up with anything or just leave it?

 

I can understand how this scenario could happen if I was approaching these girls but, they usually make the initial moves.

 

For example in one scenario: this girl recognized me (we had met once before) and reintroduced herself to me and we talked for a bit. She brought up hanging out. We were both on our way to the exit but I still had something to take care of so I went to do that and when I ended up leaving (maybe 5 minutes later) she was at the exit looking at me (it appeared to me, to be waiting for me). So, we chatted a bit more outside, talked about making plans, and split. I messaged her and she didn't respond.

 

Scenario #2. I went on a date or two with this girl a little while back but we didn't quite keep it going. I saw her while out and she seemed enthusiastic about seeing me. We chatted briefly. I messaged her the next day...no response obviously. I see her on the street today and we're walking opposite ways but she stops, big smile on her face, making jokes, and I'm walking away from the situation and she's turned and keeping the conversation going. It was overall a really pleasant interaction. I was just walking away because to me, if you ignore me, you're not interested in any part of me. Am I wrong?

 

The big issue I have is we even talk about specific things that would be fun to do together and I don't even get a response when I message them. When I see them in person again, they're super friendly and (from not just my impression, but also from friends who are there) flirty. I'm just confused and I blame myself mostly because the girls have put in significantly more effort in terms of approaching and making hints than people would really expect them to. I really feel like it comes down to something I've done.

 

Finally, it hurts extra because I went through this with my ex as well. We broke up, she a few months later wanted to reconcile and the same scenario occurred: in person she was lovely, but she ignored texts whenever it was convenient for her and I haven't talked to her in months now but apparently I've got this chip on my shoulder.

 

I can elaborate if you guys need.

 

It's difficult to say because everyone's idea of texting is so different! Personally, I resent all the rules behind texting-- how long should you wait, what should you write, etc., but I have encountered myself having to play by them at times when I'm first getting to know someone. Personally, I love it when a guy I like starts texting right away and I don't have to question myself whether I'm texting back too quickly. Others might be turned off by the same thing. It depends and everyone is different. My current boyfriend, for example, started texting me right away, pouring his heart out, etc, and I was smitten. A guy I dated last year, however, would sometimes take a couple of days to text back. That made me realize he's just not into me so I left, but he seemed shocked and said he really did like me, he's just not a texter. Neither of us is right or wrong, just different communication styles and needs.

 

My recommendation is simply to mirror what they do. If you text them a few times and you get no reply, don't text them again. If they take forever to reply, take about the same amount of time when they text.

[fitnessfan365]

Two things to consider :

 

1) Some women would rather give out their number and let you take the hint when they don't respond, than just be honest face to face. So in a lot of cases she wasn't interested in the first place.

 

2) Your opening text is pretty generic and anonymous. You don't reference the interaction, place you met her, or give your name. So what if a woman doesn't respond because she has no idea who the hell sent it? Remember, chances are that she is giving her number out to other guys as well. So I'd recommend having the first text be more specific, and then if she responds, you ask her out.

Edited July 3, 2015 by fitnessfan365

[MightyHeracross]

I HAVE THE EXACT SAME THING "RESPONSES"... If you can call them that. In fact, I talk about it briefly in my thread over here... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/534676-i-m-really-crushing-family-friend-again#post6412186

 

I'd really love it if you could give your 2 cents!

 

Anyways, from what I've found, I feel like girls would rather talk in person or over the phone, rather than by text. Instead of just asking for her number, you should try setting up something when you see them in person. As I say in my thread, I know how difficult that can be. It's impossible to talk in person if they won't respond to a text to meet you in person in the first place! However, when you see one of them passing in the street, ask if they'd like to get coffee or a drink later or the next day. Set something up. When you say they have even thought of things to do with you, set up a time to do them while you're still in person talking to them.

 

I also saw another answer on here that said girls would rather have you take a hint over the phone than in person. If she avoids you when you ask her in person, then you'll know and it's her that doesn't like you, not anything you're doing wrong. However, if she does set something up in person, and then doesn't respond to your texts, you'll know it's a problem with your texting.

 

Hope I could help you out and I hope you can help me!

[MightyHeracross]

It's difficult to say because everyone's idea of texting is so different! Personally, I resent all the rules behind texting-- how long should you wait, what should you write, etc., but I have encountered myself having to play by them at times when I'm first getting to know someone. Personally, I love it when a guy I like starts texting right away and I don't have to question myself whether I'm texting back too quickly. Others might be turned off by the same thing. It depends and everyone is different. My current boyfriend, for example, started texting me right away, pouring his heart out, etc, and I was smitten. A guy I dated last year, however, would sometimes take a couple of days to text back. That made me realize he's just not into me so I left, but he seemed shocked and said he really did like me, he's just not a texter. Neither of us is right or wrong, just different communication styles and needs.

 

My recommendation is simply to mirror what they do. If you text them a few times and you get no reply, don't text them again. If they take forever to reply, take about the same amount of time when they text.

 

I couldn't agree more! However, I think this guys "problem" is that he doesn't get any response back at all. If he did get a response back in the first place, then he could go on with those texting guidelines and such

[TunaInTheBrine]

Texting is horrible for communication other than data/logistics. There is too much ambiguity without all of the non-verbals being present. I really don't recommend using it for emotional exchanges, at least not until you're well into a developed relationship, and then something like that can be sweet in context.

 

Having said that, as much as I hate texting, I do a little of it in the initial stages, but mostly to set up dates. The first text I send might be flirty (I usually say something that brings us back to a fun shared moment when we first met - a nickname, joke, story, whatever...). Basically, I want her to 'play' along with me. It's fun for both of us. Once I get her response, I might send just one more flirty one, or I'll go right into arranging the date. No matter how much she texts me in between dates, I delay my responses and give the hint I'm not a texter. Like I said, there is too much risk for something screwy to happen (even developing a relationship through text instead of in person). Any time I've made an exception to this, it never worked out. I am more stricter on my rules now, and I won't do it with frequency at all.

 

In short, my advice is to only text if it's absolutely necessary. If you want to increase your response rate, make sure the chemistry is in place when you're meeting them. I find most women who give out contact information and don't respond aren't feeling it that much for the guy and are just being nice. The better you connect when you meet them, the more likely they are to respond.

[MightyHeracross]

Texting is horrible for communication other than data/logistics. There is too much ambiguity without all of the non-verbals being present. I really don't recommend using it for emotional exchanges, at least not until you're well into a developed relationship, and then something like that can be sweet in context.

 

Having said that, as much as I hate texting, I do a little of it in the initial stages, but mostly to set up dates. The first text I send might be flirty (I usually say something that brings us back to a fun shared moment when we first met - a nickname, joke, story, whatever...). Basically, I want her to 'play' along with me. It's fun for both of us. Once I get her response, I might send just one more flirty one, or I'll go right into arranging the date. No matter how much she texts me in between dates, I delay my responses and give the hint I'm not a texter. Like I said, there is too much risk for something screwy to happen (even developing a relationship through text instead of in person). Any time I've made an exception to this, it never worked out. I am more stricter on my rules now, and I won't do it with frequency at all.

 

In short, my advice is to only text if it's absolutely necessary. If you want to increase your response rate, make sure the chemistry is in place when you're meeting them. I find most women who give out contact information and don't respond aren't feeling it that much for the guy and are just being nice. The better you connect when you meet them, the more likely they are to respond.

 

That's really good insight, and I'd love to hear your 2 cents on my thread... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/534676-i-m-really-crushing-family-friend-again#post6412186

 

Anyways, I think his problem is that he can't get them in person without texting, which means he can't get them in person to even establish chemistry... That's my problem too which is why I left my link

[ccpp]

Texting is horrible for communication other than data/logistics. There is too much ambiguity without all of the non-verbals being present. I really don't recommend using it for emotional exchanges, at least not until you're well into a developed relationship, and then something like that can be sweet in context.

 

Having said that, as much as I hate texting, I do a little of it in the initial stages, but mostly to set up dates. The first text I send might be flirty (I usually say something that brings us back to a fun shared moment when we first met - a nickname, joke, story, whatever...). Basically, I want her to 'play' along with me. It's fun for both of us. Once I get her response, I might send just one more flirty one, or I'll go right into arranging the date. No matter how much she texts me in between dates, I delay my responses and give the hint I'm not a texter. Like I said, there is too much risk for something screwy to happen (even developing a relationship through text instead of in person). Any time I've made an exception to this, it never worked out. I am more stricter on my rules now, and I won't do it with frequency at all.

 

In short, my advice is to only text if it's absolutely necessary. If you want to increase your response rate, make sure the chemistry is in place when you're meeting them. I find most women who give out contact information and don't respond aren't feeling it that much for the guy and are just being nice. The better you connect when you meet them, the more likely they are to respond.

 

texting is fine at work but not for constant communication so I agree with you.

[joseb]

As ff said your first text is too generic

I wouldn't ask her if she's free on first text.

Use that to say how nice it was meeting her and maybe ask her about something you talked about. Asking her makes it a bit more likely she will respond

 

Depending on the response then either ask her out to something specific, or one more flirty message before asking. But don't just ask to hang out some time.

 

(You also don't want to get into a marathon testing session before you ask her out.!)

[introverted1]

I'm female and I think your first text is fine. But I'm a pretty straight-forward person and I don't like a lot of texting, so a direct approach works well with me.

 

That said, I can see where some people might perceive it as too abrupt, and might prefer a little warming up before you go for the ask.

 

Still, it seems to me that if the woman was interested, she'd respond.

[DJOkawari]

Hey thanks for the responses, guys!

 

I do understand what you guys mean by "I guess they just aren't that into you". However, the girls come up to me, initiate conversation, make plans, and we exchange info...and then at that point they don't respond. It's to the point where my friends tell me, "hey, she really seemed to like you, did you get her number?" and when I tell them she didn't respond, they think it is weird too.

 

And the reality is, it has happened a lot of times in quick succession recently. I will try to have more of a build up before asking when they can hang out. Hopefully that will be the solution. So far, I've really thought of it the way introverted1 does. If they liked me at all they'd respond, and if they wanted more of a conversation, they'd make it.

 

In a way it is similar to an issue I have with OLD. I'm pretty successful with that, however a lot of times there are "connections" and "matches" that simply don't respond even though they connected with you and are looking for dates. Might be something similar, idk.

 

The main thing is: Do I message these girls again? I'm actually 100% happy with a friendship as well. If they aren't interested romantically, I'm perfectly okay with that. I don't really know how to convey that, but if I could I would try. Any advice on that?

 

My feeling is, with the girl I went on a few dates with, I wouldn't bother messaging her again. The other girl, however, maybe I could message her again and if she doesn't respond a second time, then I'm completely done.

 

The part I want to emphasize is, in person they come find me, they're enthusiastic, and they make plans...then I never hear from them again until we run into each other by chance and the cycle continues. Finally, I actually just want to get to know them. It's okay if they aren't interested in me in terms of romance. I'm just looking for fun people to do fun stuff with. Is there any way I could convey that to the girl I've already messaged?

 

 

 

----

 

2) Your opening text is pretty generic and anonymous. You don't reference the interaction, place you met her, or give your name. So what if a woman doesn't respond because she has no idea who the hell sent it? Remember, chances are that she is giving her number out to other guys as well. So I'd recommend having the first text be more specific, and then if she responds, you ask her out.

 

Ah yeah that was a quick summary. Normally I introduce myself or right when I get her number I text her my name or if it is over FB she knows who it is. I usually don't reference our previous interaction though. I do understand I could do that, maybe make a joke, some small talk. I don't think I'm really at the point with these girls where I could call them on the phone. It's before a first real date. I guess it just seems easier for other people to connect.

Edited July 3, 2015 by DJOkawari

[ChicagoSparty]

Texting is only a bad for if communication if you're just not great at communicating or expressing personality in the first place.

 

To me, texting is a great way to communicate with a new girl, because it can be light conversation, joking and flirty. It's sort of a good ice breaker, and you can easily decide how far to go with it.

 

Your first text is a dud. You don't need fireworks, but you need something to give her a reason to respond. Nothing big, but don't just get into 'Hey, do you have time to get together?'. More like, 'Hey, this is _____. We met at the coffee shop. How are you?', and then just let the conversation start.

[ccpp]

Texting is only a bad for if communication if you're just not great at communicating or expressing personality in the first place.

 

To me, texting is a great way to communicate with a new girl, because it can be light conversation, joking and flirty. It's sort of a good ice breaker, and you can easily decide how far to go with it.

 

Your first text is a dud. You don't need fireworks, but you need something to give her a reason to respond. Nothing big, but don't just get into 'Hey, do you have time to get together?'. More like, 'Hey, this is _____. We met at the coffee shop. How are you?', and then just let the conversation start.

 

I think the phone will be a better way of asking someone out which is a 10 min call.