Dating a woman with Major Depressive Disorder

[Tomzxz]

I have been dating a woman for one month and she disclosed after about four dates that she takes medication for diagnosed major depressive disorder and anxiety. I noticed shortly after she told me that she is emotionally high maintenance. Her intelligence is matched by her pattern of drama and you can get a real handle on her genius when she is making her point, reading my thoughts or arguing. She suffered a nervous break-down over two years ago and she says that it was caused by a high stress job and a bad relationship. She takes a heavy dose of medication (Paxil and Seroquel) but she drinks enough to be a threat to herself. One night she fell down a flight of stairs and another night she couldn’t drive home and had to spend the night at my place.

 

I am a year out of a relationship with someone that is currently undergoing therapy for an undisclosed cluster "B" personality disorder. My suspicion is narcissism and possibly borderline but I will never know for sure. With my experience I have started to notice in this woman some of the non-narcissistic behavior that I witnessed with my ex, namely a push pull - manic, depressive – idealization, devaluation rapid cycle at least once a day. She says she has had depression her whole life, she is 35. Is this common with major depression and medication or am I seeing the traits of something more dangerous?

 

 

I want to monitor her consumption but she is an adult, and I’m an out of the business of rescuing people. It took me a long time to heal from my ex, I cried, I cut off all contact, I spend time with my family and friends, I got rid of as many reminders of her as I could. To give my friends and family a break, my therapist had me write a journal about my ex and my recovery. Most importantly, I stopped analyzing what I did wrong and what she did wrong and have no regrets. I stayed active bought a dog. I remained single until the bitterness, anger and sadness softened. I dated a little, my hope and optimism returned and I met this woman. I like to think I’m fit as a fiddle but I won’t be played like one.

 

 

I do like her a lot, she is very beautiful, physically fit, sensitive, intelligent and caring – a 10 in my book. I don’t want to give up too soon if she is working on herself/undergoing treatment for her depression but I don’t want to get hurt again.

What should I do?

[aloneinaz]

She has most of the signs of a borderline woman. Read up on the subject on Google and see if she matches the main traits. The fact that she's mixing copious amounts of booze with Paxil and Seroquel is not only concerning but highly dangerous as well. Seroquel is a serious medication and is used a lot for bi-polar situations. If she's so smart, I'm surprised she's risking death by mixing so many behavioral heath meds. Think Heath Ledger.

 

 

While I feel compassion for her mental health issues, you're going to take on a lot if you continue forward with her. It sounds like she has a lot more work to do to get her mental heath back to a good place.

 

 

Having had exposure to a BPD women and surviving the experience, I'd run FAST from any new person I was dating if they presented w/any of those characteristics. It's kind of ironic how most women that present with BPD characteristics are usually very attractive and very sexual. That's what keeps us "hooked" to them.

 

 

Don't let her looks overwhelm your common sense here. You've already survived a relationship with a broken women, you don't need to go round two. Also, ask yourself why or how that you keep running into women like this.

[d0nnivain]

First thing you need to do is figure out why you are attracted to these wounded birds.

 

 

Now you need to make a decision about whether you want to stick around. Forget the diagnosis & the meds. Concentrate on the booze. Do you really want to be with somebody who drinks that much? Now lump in all the other stuff. I do not see this ending in a healthy place.

[Redhead14]

I have been dating a woman for one month and she disclosed after about four dates that she takes medication for diagnosed major depressive disorder and anxiety. I noticed shortly after she told me that she is emotionally high maintenance. Her intelligence is matched by her pattern of drama and you can get a real handle on her genius when she is making her point, reading my thoughts or arguing. She suffered a nervous break-down over two years ago and she says that it was caused by a high stress job and a bad relationship. She takes a heavy dose of medication (Paxil and Seroquel) but she drinks enough to be a threat to herself. One night she fell down a flight of stairs and another night she couldn’t drive home and had to spend the night at my place.

 

I am a year out of a relationship with someone that is currently undergoing therapy for an undisclosed cluster "B" personality disorder. My suspicion is narcissism and possibly borderline but I will never know for sure. With my experience I have started to notice in this woman some of the non-narcissistic behavior that I witnessed with my ex, namely a push pull - manic, depressive – idealization, devaluation rapid cycle at least once a day. She says she has had depression her whole life, she is 35. Is this common with major depression and medication or am I seeing the traits of something more dangerous?

 

 

I want to monitor her consumption but she is an adult, and I’m an out of the business of rescuing people. It took me a long time to heal from my ex, I cried, I cut off all contact, I spend time with my family and friends, I got rid of as many reminders of her as I could. To give my friends and family a break, my therapist had me write a journal about my ex and my recovery. Most importantly, I stopped analyzing what I did wrong and what she did wrong and have no regrets. I stayed active bought a dog. I remained single until the bitterness, anger and sadness softened. I dated a little, my hope and optimism returned and I met this woman. I like to think I’m fit as a fiddle but I won’t be played like one.

 

 

I do like her a lot, she is very beautiful, physically fit, sensitive, intelligent and caring – a 10 in my book. I don’t want to give up too soon if she is working on herself/undergoing treatment for her depression but I don’t want to get hurt again.

What should I do?

 

"I don’t want to give up too soon if she is working on herself/undergoing treatment" -- She says she has had depression her whole life, she is 35. Undergoing treatment doesn't mean there's an end in sight or that significant improvement will occur soon and it's not likely.

 

And don't google or research emotional/mental disorders. A correct diagnosis cannot be made without access to DSM-VII manual and close, regular observation by a professional. Going online to try to figure out what's going on with someone and then trying to figure out how manage them is a waste of time.

 

She is unlikely to be able to meet all your needs if any if she has been correctly diagnosed and especially if she is an alcoholic and drinking to excess on top of her medications. What she is doing is dangerous and counteracts the purpose of the medications. She is essentially cancelling out the benefits of the medication. You will not be dealing with the depressive disorder really, you'll just be dealing with an alcoholic if not now, in the future.

 

In fact, if she is as intelligent as you say, she will be cognizant of the fact that the medications and alcohol should not be mixed. Therefore, she may not be taking her medications as prescribed if at all, so that she can drink. And, if she is taking her medications and drinking, it's possible she has not been diagnosed or medicated properly, thus her need to self-medicate by drinking.

Edited July 2, 2015 by Redhead14

[SilentiousBird]

Speaking from the point of view of somebody who was once diagnosed with major depression, medicated, and abused alcohol, I recommend taking it as slow as possible. Perhaps even just be friends.

 

If you're already getting a bad feeling, I don't see a good, healthy relationship growing between the two of you. It doesn't seem like she has healed from her nervous breakdown or learned healthy coping skills. Being depressed and medicated is one thing, but her excessive drinking is alarming. I remember when I was like that, and as much as I tried to make it look like I had my **** together, I was a wreck inside.

 

I'm sure something tugs at you inside to keep seeing this woman, but especially considering your ex, I'd keep my distance. Be a supportive friend and get to know her, but be cautious.

[Gary S]

There are lots of deal breakers out there, including mental issues. Find a woman who has less problems than you and you'll do okay.

 

Just because a woman is beautiful and breathing does not mean she's good relationship material.

[inpeices]

I have been dating a woman for one month and she disclosed after about four dates that she takes medication for diagnosed major depressive disorder and anxiety. I noticed shortly after she told me that she is emotionally high maintenance. Her intelligence is matched by her pattern of drama and you can get a real handle on her genius when she is making her point, reading my thoughts or arguing. She suffered a nervous break-down over two years ago and she says that it was caused by a high stress job and a bad relationship. She takes a heavy dose of medication (Paxil and Seroquel) but she drinks enough to be a threat to herself. One night she fell down a flight of stairs and another night she couldn’t drive home and had to spend the night at my place.

 

I am a year out of a relationship with someone that is currently undergoing therapy for an undisclosed cluster "B" personality disorder. My suspicion is narcissism and possibly borderline but I will never know for sure. With my experience I have started to notice in this woman some of the non-narcissistic behavior that I witnessed with my ex, namely a push pull - manic, depressive – idealization, devaluation rapid cycle at least once a day. She says she has had depression her whole life, she is 35. Is this common with major depression and medication or am I seeing the traits of something more dangerous?

 

 

I want to monitor her consumption but she is an adult, and I’m an out of the business of rescuing people. It took me a long time to heal from my ex, I cried, I cut off all contact, I spend time with my family and friends, I got rid of as many reminders of her as I could. To give my friends and family a break, my therapist had me write a journal about my ex and my recovery. Most importantly, I stopped analyzing what I did wrong and what she did wrong and have no regrets. I stayed active bought a dog. I remained single until the bitterness, anger and sadness softened. I dated a little, my hope and optimism returned and I met this woman. I like to think I’m fit as a fiddle but I won’t be played like one.

 

 

I do like her a lot, she is very beautiful, physically fit, sensitive, intelligent and caring – a 10 in my book. I don’t want to give up too soon if she is working on herself/undergoing treatment for her depression but I don’t want to get hurt again.

What should I do?

 

Two serious incidents of her showing lack of self-care/control in the space of only fours weeks? With history on both sides.. Straight into the fire again here my friend...red flags ahoy!

Go to bpdfamily for some superb support.. I shall say no more other than look after YOU & seriously check out the site.. It covers all of this stuff brilliantly

[caringsister]

Beautiful or not you are not equipped to withstand to deal with her. She sounds as if not only does she suffer from mental illnesses, but alcoholism.

 

No one is beautiful enough to sacrifice your own mental well being for.

 

Theraphy or not she obviously isn't dealing well if she is using alcohol on top of meds.

 

I would remove myself from the situation. I'm gather from your post you have already been to hell and back with your ex. Why go back with someone else?

Edited July 2, 2015 by caringsister

[newmoon]

you're not a doctor and you're not qualified to be monitoring her and her consumption of anything, lol. if anything, you might need some help to figure out why you're drawn to women with mental issues.

[Fleur de cactus]

Tom,

 

It is only 1 month and you are dealing with serious issues related to her mental illness and you think you can rescue her? It is good that you are pessimistic and ready to help her because you are in love right now. But I don't think you can help her besides being her lover, and caregiver. Imagine you are dealing with issues already, what do you think will happen in 1 year. Remember no cure for this. It is ongoing illness that requires ongoing medication.

 

Think twice before committing to this relationship. You are recovering for another breakdown on marriage, please don't try to fix the problem by another problem, because it is only once month, believe me you did not see anything yet!

 

Someone here said that there is something in you that attract partners with serious personality issues. Do self-insight, see who you are and what others see in you, that attract them and try to remember it for the future date. Maybe this will help you in adjusting your self esteem and make a better decision in the future.

[aloneinaz]

I agree. I had to do some soul searching after my exposure to the BPD women I suffered with. She was my first LONG relationship after I divorced my wife who I think developed a personality disorder as well. People were pointing out to me that I was attracted to damaged women w/bags of issues. More concerning to them was I'd see the warning signs EARLY like I did with the BPD woman yet I didn't run the other way. They say you develop a "rescue" trait where you want to save these women. Only they can save themselves and only we can save our own mental heath by leaving them.

 

 

After her, I dated several women. The first couple also had some serious baggage or issues. I dumped and ran quickly. A few months later I met my now GF. She's polar opposite of the damaged, mental health challenged women I'd spent so much of my life with. It was a BIG adjustment to not have all the chaos, drama, arguments and other BS that the damaged women brought day in and day out. She has the best mental heath, positivity and outlook on life I've ever come across. Some times I want to throw up in my mouth! lol! My point is it showed there are normal, healthy women out there and we just need to find them.

[elaine567]

This current woman has NOT been diagnosed with BPD.

She has major depressive illness and anxiety and I guess is self medicating with alcohol.

 

His last gf was diagnosed with an undisclosed cluster "B" personality disorder and the OP suspects BPD and narcissism.

 

Two different cases.

[Tomzxz]

You are correct elaine567. She hasn't been diagnosed with BPD. I even mentioned it to her and she assured me that she hasn't been diagnosed with it by her mental health professional that she sees twice a year. But the splitting and cycling is rapid and pervasive much like BPD. The kicker is her father is a retired psychologist and told me she is doing much better! She admits she cant drink anymore and I think she only does it to get past her social anxiety.

 

 

I guess I'm just trying to understand the changes in her temperament during the course of the day. She seems to have more depressive episodes towards the end of the day when she blows up my phone with streaming texts of self doubt and self pity. I think is has something to do with medication wearing off at the end of the day or possibly taking the next dose. Perhaps she also senses my trepidation to get too close and that is triggering her anxiety - I'm not being fair to her I suppose.

 

 

As for why I end up with women like this? This must reflect my own core damaged. I guess growing up with severe ADD and being silent throughout school caused more psychological damage than I thought. I don't go looking for these women, so far these woman seek me out. I just don't come off threating but I'm attractive and a little different from what their use to.

 

 

I'm avoiding the urge to be a white night and I'm practicing radical understanding, validation and assertiveness while maintaining my boundaries. So far, I stand firm on not accepting her drama and when that doesn't work I tell her I wont keep doing this. She is initially angry but she comes back around with an apology right away.

 

 

It's just not a healthy relationship the way it is now but I don't know how to tell her I think we should end things without hurting her deeply. And then there's the fact that she really is a sweet woman, much sweeter than my ex - no contest really. Mental illness is such a terrible thing - so sad.

[aloneinaz]

 

It's just not a healthy relationship the way it is now but I don't know how to tell her I think we should end things without hurting her deeply. And then there's the fact that she really is a sweet woman, much sweeter than my ex - no contest really. Mental illness is such a terrible thing - so sad.

 

Yes, mental illness is extremely sad. What's worse is how far behind medical science is in treating it effectively. We're still in the stone ages in my opinion.

 

 

You have to be selfish and think of your own best interests. You've already bought this ground. You don't need to do it again. You need to break it off in a kind, considerate manner. Everyone survives break ups, especially short R/S.

[Radu]

You are correct elaine567. She hasn't been diagnosed with BPD. I even mentioned it to her and she assured me that she hasn't been diagnosed with it by her mental health professional that she sees twice a year. But the splitting and cycling is rapid and pervasive much like BPD. The kicker is her father is a retired psychologist and told me she is doing much better! She admits she cant drink anymore and I think she only does it to get past her social anxiety.

Even mental health specialists avoid putting the label of BPD.

Furthermore, even if she is not full blown BPD, it does not mean that she does not meet [or exceed] some of those elements that define it.

 

Her father's profession is a hint here too.

A good number of ppl who enter the profession have issues themselves and BPD to some degree, seems to be learned.

 

 

I guess I'm just trying to understand the changes in her temperament during the course of the day. She seems to have more depressive episodes towards the end of the day when she blows up my phone with streaming texts of self doubt and self pity. I think is has something to do with medication wearing off at the end of the day or possibly taking the next dose. Perhaps she also senses my trepidation to get too close and that is triggering her anxiety - I'm not being fair to her I suppose.

Why should it matter ?

 

 

As for why I end up with women like this? This must reflect my own core damaged. I guess growing up with severe ADD and being silent throughout school caused more psychological damage than I thought. I don't go looking for these women, so far these woman seek me out. I just don't come off threating but I'm attractive and a little different from what their use to.

OK, admitting it does not get you off the hook with fixing your own bad habits, which is to pick up wounded birds like this one.

 

 

I'm avoiding the urge to be a white night and I'm practicing radical understanding, validation and assertiveness while maintaining my boundaries. So far, I stand firm on not accepting her drama and when that doesn't work I tell her I wont keep doing this. She is initially angry but she comes back around with an apology right away.

If you were to really fight it, you would run away from her.

So far, you are trying to live with it.

 

 

It's just not a healthy relationship the way it is now but I don't know how to tell her I think we should end things without hurting her deeply. And then there's the fact that she really is a sweet woman, much sweeter than my ex - no contest really. Mental illness is such a terrible thing - so sad.

It sure is a terrible thing, but unless you accept it is her and only her terrible thing, you will not get better yourself.

[alphamale]

What should I do?

Run, don't walk

[preraph]

I think what you should do is take a step back and tell her you're giving her time to get a handle on her issues. I doubt her doctor knows she's drinking with her meds. I say step back but stay in touch as a caring friend, just say a substantial phone call once a week and taking her to dinner once a month and just let her figure out that if she improves, then you will find that an appropriate time to try to have more of a relationship. That way you're not enabling her and you're also giving her some incentive. I don't see why someone that depressed is trying to date, honestly, but some people think that will fix them. It won't. Encourage her to take her meds only as directed and to read the inserts and to ask her dr. if it's okay to drink with them or not. But let her know you're giving her some recovery time because you feel she should be concentrating on getting better right now, rather than being distracted by you. Good luck.

[TunaInTheBrine]

I have been dating a woman for one month and she disclosed after about four dates that she takes medication for diagnosed major depressive disorder and anxiety. I noticed shortly after she told me that she is emotionally high maintenance. Her intelligence is matched by her pattern of drama and you can get a real handle on her genius when she is making her point, reading my thoughts or arguing. She suffered a nervous break-down over two years ago and she says that it was caused by a high stress job and a bad relationship. She takes a heavy dose of medication (Paxil and Seroquel) but she drinks enough to be a threat to herself. One night she fell down a flight of stairs and another night she couldn’t drive home and had to spend the night at my place.

 

I am a year out of a relationship with someone that is currently undergoing therapy for an undisclosed cluster "B" personality disorder. My suspicion is narcissism and possibly borderline but I will never know for sure. With my experience I have started to notice in this woman some of the non-narcissistic behavior that I witnessed with my ex, namely a push pull - manic, depressive – idealization, devaluation rapid cycle at least once a day. She says she has had depression her whole life, she is 35. Is this common with major depression and medication or am I seeing the traits of something more dangerous?

 

 

I want to monitor her consumption but she is an adult, and I’m an out of the business of rescuing people. It took me a long time to heal from my ex, I cried, I cut off all contact, I spend time with my family and friends, I got rid of as many reminders of her as I could. To give my friends and family a break, my therapist had me write a journal about my ex and my recovery. Most importantly, I stopped analyzing what I did wrong and what she did wrong and have no regrets. I stayed active bought a dog. I remained single until the bitterness, anger and sadness softened. I dated a little, my hope and optimism returned and I met this woman. I like to think I’m fit as a fiddle but I won’t be played like one.

 

 

I do like her a lot, she is very beautiful, physically fit, sensitive, intelligent and caring – a 10 in my book. I don’t want to give up too soon if she is working on herself/undergoing treatment for her depression but I don’t want to get hurt again.

What should I do?

 

This woman does not sound like someone who is stable. I'm sure she is a wonderful person (then again, aren't we all?), but she is falling down the stairs, a danger to herself, and seems to demonstrate some concerning personality issues. My biggest concern is your history of dating women similar to her, which suggests to me this may be a pattern for you that is worth looking at independently from the issue of what you should do. It's not my place to tell you what to do. But I think you're heading down a dark path with this woman ultimately, and it's not going to end pleasantly for anyone.

[ktya]

Shut it down and move on to someone healthier mentally.

 

I'm not being mean but you seem to have a pattern of seeing disordered people, meaning you lack boundaries in some way.

 

I've been there and stuck with someone with MD for four years, it doesn’t get much better. The meds maintain but don't fix it, they're not like antibiotics.

 

I had a brief thing with a BPD girl, what I learned is being with someone like that shows a lack of your own boundaries. Bpdfamily.org is a good start.

 

You can't be her therapist and boyfriend at the same time. If she pulls drama you have to tell her to call a professional because they do it for attention impulsively, even if they don't mean or want to.

 

Pull the plug, work on you.

[mortensorchid]

This is a dicey situation in which you are in here. I have been on both sides of this: I have been diagnosed with a major depressive disorder, and I have been attached off and on to people who also have said disorders or conditions (or whatever you want to call it). Here is what I have to say about either of this woman based on your description ...

 

 

Is she attempting to get better? It doesn't sound like it. You said so yourself that she drinks a lot and she has, like all bipolar people, a very night/day personality. She sounds like a gal I used to be friends with. Upon first impressions she seemed to be happy, cheerful and easy going. On the surface there was no reason why you wouldn't like her. After she had won you over, she started to show the other side; and you just didn't realize until it was too late what a crazy, unstable person she was. Angry and vicious / loud and obnoxious, and holier than thou. She would abuse drugs and alcohol unlike anything, get thrown in jail for DUI, have promiscuous sex with ANYONE because she could not say no to anyone and even had sex with people she didn't like and willingly appeared in homemade porn movies (her words, not mine). Of course I didn't know this about her until later on, but once I did, it put a whole new slant on her and my relationship. It ended when she cussed me out with every filthy word in the book (like it did with every other relationship she had). She went to AA, she was pleasant to be around. Then she stopped and destroyed everything and everyone in her path.

 

 

Is this who you are talking about? If so, I think you should reconsider things with her. She sounds like it.

[wizer]

She takes a heavy dose of medication (Paxil and Seroquel) but she drinks enough to be a threat to herself. One night she fell down a flight of stairs and another night she couldn’t drive home and had to spend the night at my place.

 

The heavy drinking on top of her depressed state and medication use would be a dealbreaker for me. She is not dealing with her situation effectively, she's been in so called treatment for several decades and she's still unable to control herself when it comes to alcohol which I'm sure you know is contraindicated with depression and alcohol use.

 

She's in self destruct mode and there are no signs things are going to get better anytime soon.

 

Unless you're so desperate and unable to meet other women I suggest you find someone else to invest your time and emotions on.

[elaine567]

I guess you are a Rescuer, you are on to your second "hopeless" case..

Read https://healthpsychologyconsultancy.wordpress.com/2012/12/19/the-rescuer-personality-the-white-knight/

 

I advise you to step back from this woman, no good can come of it.