New date - red flags?

[Rko28]

Hey everyone, long time no speak.

 

Since I last posted not much has gone on in the dating world, ive remained on pof, spoke to a few but for some reason got nervous about meeting them and made excuses.

 

Last week I man'd up and went out with a girl, we had literally only been talking on pof for 4 days, she messaged first and tbh I didnt expect much from it, shes a beautiful looking girl but seemed, im sorry to say this, a bit boring over text. I mean she replies to texts, asks questions but sometimes gives one word answers etc.

 

Anyway, I thought id go, break the ice and remind me what dating was.

 

She was the opposite of her texts, talkative, funny, smart and we had a great time, plus she was even more beautiful in real life. She always said that she would be 100% honest if she was interested after our date, when we were leaving she said she would love to see me again and we had a quick kiss. things were good.

 

Our next date wasnt concrete, I was out of town last weekend and said when she suggetsed sunday that I might be late back so for her to make plans and we can do it another night. I sensed she was a bit irked about this but they were plans that i had before meeting her.

 

I specifically asked her to let me know when she was free.

 

Monday night she said she had a boring night and had nothign to do, this was about 10:00pm, I said she should've said she was free as we couldve gone on date 2, she agreed, I then asked when she was free next and she said she didnt know.

 

Tuesday night came and I like to plan my week so i text asking again, any idea when you might be free next, her reply was "tomorrow xxx" I asked if she wanted to go out and she said "yeah xxx" I replied saying good job I asked as it mightve been another monday situation. I got the impression here she wasnt THAT interested.

 

The above was sent over whatsapp and i saw it was delivered but she didnt read it, worried i was nagging about seeing her I left it to see if she would reply. 7pm yesterday she replied saying "yeah xxx" in response to my last text. She said she had a headache and had been sleeping, apolgised for late reply. I asked if she was interedted as I felt as if I was chasing her asking to see her again, this is when she went a bit wacko, she said she was the one doing the chasing, that id let her down sunday and hadnt text her all day to make plans last night.

 

I was a bit taken a back, ok maybe I shouldve text yesterday but I was mildly annoyed she didnt seem to be making an effort, I also said I made no plans on sunday to see her and even said for her to make plans.

 

we talked some more and she said shes used to be being let down by men and wasnt surprised by it. we sorted it out and agreeed to meet tomorrow.

 

Lookign back im wondering if im getting involved with some massive red flags here or if indeed I was to blame?

 

Ive also been speaking to another girl on pof who i might be meeting next week for the first time, im just not sure if i should or not?

[Elias33]

Hey everyone, long time no speak.

 

Since I last posted not much has gone on in the dating world, ive remained on pof, spoke to a few but for some reason got nervous about meeting them and made excuses.

 

Last week I man'd up and went out with a girl, we had literally only been talking on pof for 4 days, she messaged first and tbh I didnt expect much from it, shes a beautiful looking girl but seemed, im sorry to say this, a bit boring over text. I mean she replies to texts, asks questions but sometimes gives one word answers etc.

 

Anyway, I thought id go, break the ice and remind me what dating was.

 

She was the opposite of her texts, talkative, funny, smart and we had a great time, plus she was even more beautiful in real life. She always said that she would be 100% honest if she was interested after our date, when we were leaving she said she would love to see me again and we had a quick kiss. things were good.

 

Our next date wasnt concrete, I was out of town last weekend and said when she suggetsed sunday that I might be late back so for her to make plans and we can do it another night. I sensed she was a bit irked about this but they were plans that i had before meeting her.

 

I specifically asked her to let me know when she was free.

 

Monday night she said she had a boring night and had nothign to do, this was about 10:00pm, I said she should've said she was free as we couldve gone on date 2, she agreed, I then asked when she was free next and she said she didnt know.

 

Tuesday night came and I like to plan my week so i text asking again, any idea when you might be free next, her reply was "tomorrow xxx" I asked if she wanted to go out and she said "yeah xxx" I replied saying good job I asked as it mightve been another monday situation. I got the impression here she wasnt THAT interested.

 

The above was sent over whatsapp and i saw it was delivered but she didnt read it, worried i was nagging about seeing her I left it to see if she would reply. 7pm yesterday she replied saying "yeah xxx" in response to my last text. She said she had a headache and had been sleeping, apolgised for late reply. I asked if she was interedted as I felt as if I was chasing her asking to see her again, this is when she went a bit wacko, she said she was the one doing the chasing, that id let her down sunday and hadnt text her all day to make plans last night.

 

I was a bit taken a back, ok maybe I shouldve text yesterday but I was mildly annoyed she didnt seem to be making an effort, I also said I made no plans on sunday to see her and even said for her to make plans.

 

we talked some more and she said shes used to be being let down by men and wasnt surprised by it. we sorted it out and agreeed to meet tomorrow.

 

Lookign back im wondering if im getting involved with some massive red flags here or if indeed I was to blame?

 

Ive also been speaking to another girl on pof who i might be meeting next week for the first time, im just not sure if i should or not?

 

Yes, so early into your potential relationship with this woman you already deal with passive aggressiveness and a level of maturity that you may not care for. I don't think that with one date in, you are to blame since you have tried your best to explain your availability, and you certainly have let her known about your interest in her.

 

Sometimes, you can only do so much. There's definitely some signals there.

[Rko28]

Thank you, its reassuring to know its not me just thinking it.

 

At the minute we cant call on the phone because her speaker is broken, legit problem too as she tried to get me to fix it for her, so communication has been over text, shes good at replying but my god its like getting blood out of a stone with one word answers.

 

Im out tonight with her, if shes as nice as she was on date one then ill be happy but anything like she is over text and it being hard work then im knocking things on the head.

[IronZ]

So basically, you were out of town on plans you had made before meeting her, and got back late. And she's mad at you for it? Is she super clingy? I don't get it. It's not like you made plans and flaked out, you even tried making plans with her the entire week and she was the one ignoring you.

 

I would say go see her in person and square things out with her. Texting is such a lame means of communication anyway, especially if she's off her meds like I suspect. It may well be a red flag. I would tread carefully.

[elaine567]

I would say go see her in person and square things out with her. Texting is such a lame means of communication anyway, especially if she's off her meds like I suspect. It may well be a red flag. I would tread carefully.

 

"off her meds"???

[Rko28]

So basically, you were out of town on plans you had made before meeting her, and got back late. And she's mad at you for it? Is she super clingy? I don't get it. It's not like you made plans and flaked out, you even tried making plans with her the entire week and she was the one ignoring you.

 

I would say go see her in person and square things out with her. Texting is such a lame means of communication anyway, especially if she's off her meds like I suspect. It may well be a red flag. I would tread carefully.

 

Exactly that, she suggested sunday and I said there was a chance id be back but probably not and for her to make plans to save potentially wasting her day and we could meet in the week if she was free. I could tell she wasnt happy about it at the time.

 

Another comment she said was "have you got time for a relationship"

 

This annoys me, im not going to lie ive got heaps of hobbies and can easily do an enjoyable activity every night, but im happy to cut down to see someone a couple of times in the week and weekends which i think is plenty in the early stages of a relationship.

 

I get the feeling she has no hobbies or interests and just goes home and does nothing.

[Arieswoman]

Rko28,

I think it's a case of "she used to be indicisive, now she's not so sure"...

 

Asking you if you have time for a relationship is a bit of a cheek, when it's her who's stopping this from getting off the ground !

 

I would try and arrange one more date and if she acts soft again then forget her - dating shouldn't be such hard work.

 

And, I can't see any reason for you not to date other women at the moment.

[Rko28]

Rko28,

I think it's a case of "she used to be indicisive, now she's not so sure"...

 

Asking you if you have time for a relationship is a bit of a cheek, when it's her who's stopping this from getting off the ground !

 

I would try and arrange one more date and if she acts soft again then forget her - dating shouldn't be such hard work.

 

And, I can't see any reason for you not to date other women at the moment.

 

Thank you.

As I said she was lovely on the 1st date and it was genuinely one of the nicest dates ive had, its just in between thats been off putting.

 

Im with you with the 2nd date, we are going out tonight so will see how that goes, if its still hard work I'll say.

[darkmoon]

used to being let down by men? many many men are decent people

 

she is trying to sound experienced or has baggage

[Rko28]

used to being let down by men? many many men are decent people

 

she is trying to sound experienced or has baggage

 

well heres another thing, we spoke about exes on our date, how we ended up where we were, shes asked if I liked football, which I said yes and she said that was off putting as her ex put football before her a lot and always watched his teams games, now I always watch my teams games too, its never been a problem with any other ex's in the past.

She then asked if I liked video games, I said sure, I have an xbox and play it on rainy days or when i have a spare 30-mins or an hour, again she wasnt happy about that.

 

Wow, im putting myself off meeting her tonight.

[MovingOnIsHard]

well heres another thing, we spoke about exes on our date, how we ended up where we were, shes asked if I liked football, which I said yes and she said that was off putting as her ex put football before her a lot and always watched his teams games, now I always watch my teams games too, its never been a problem with any other ex's in the past.

She then asked if I liked video games, I said sure, I have an xbox and play it on rainy days or when i have a spare 30-mins or an hour, again she wasnt happy about that.

 

Wow, im putting myself off meeting her tonight.

 

Sounds like she's still hung up on her ex and maybe looking for an instant relationship. I suggest passing on this one and meeting the other girl.

[Rko28]

Sounds like she's still hung up on her ex and maybe looking for an instant relationship. I suggest passing on this one and meeting the other girl.

 

Im not sure about the ex, she got cheated on by him she tells me, experience tells me that there is always 2 sides to every story though.

 

Im going to give her tonight and head in to it with an open mind, although the same things happened as the other day, I've text to ask her about times pretty early, shes read it and not got back to me again....

[MovingOnIsHard]

 

Im going to give her tonight and head in to it with an open mind, although the same things happened as the other day, I've text to ask her about times pretty early, shes read it and not got back to me again....

 

 

That's a red flag. Im a female and if i gt a txt from a guy im interested in seeing again for a date i'd immediately reply. She sounds like a flake

[lolablue17]

I can see here a good example of the big epidemic of today's generation. You judge people by too many minor signs and nuances, complex codes through Whatsapp, FB and so...

 

You had plans so you weren't available, she interpreted it as if you're not so interested, and immediately cooperated with "not so interested" approach, which you responded by downgrading more your "showing interest", and generally each one of you was focusing on "how to show indifference" rather than to express his\her desire to continue.

 

But you said before that she's not so good with writing, she's much better face to face. So - Maybe her "signs of indifference" were only her low capability to communicate by texts. You, on the other hand - were intentionally downgrading your interest.

 

You did the part you decided to play. There was nothing natural in your responses - Everything was well calculated very carefully for "not showing to much interest".

 

My advice - Stop all the games - Call her and say that you liked her very much and you miss her company and ask her out tonight, if she can't so tommorow and say that you're willing to even changing your plans, only because you miss her.

 

Reverse the momentum. Show your enthusiasm, instead of the opposite.

Edited July 3, 2015 by lolablue17

[angel.eyes]

See, I agree with everything you said, especially the part about calling...

 

Oh...my bad! She doesn't have a working phone. He can only communicate with her via whatsapp, and she doesn't always respond! They are equally responsible for this mess.

 

To me, not having a working phone is a red flag for not having your life in order. If it weren't, she would have a working phone. How do you even ask someone you've just met on a first date to fiddle with and try to fix your broken phone. What's next? Bus fare to get home at the end of the second date?

 

I would set up a date with the second woman. Let this one go so she can focus on getting a functioning phone. That might help with her communication challenges.

[joseb]

I agree a lot of the issues here are probably because of the communication method. I can see how she might assume you are not overly interested - even if that's not the case. Texting can be bad.

 

If she had a bf before that played video games and watch sport ALL the time I can see why she might have concerns there. So long as it's not an all consuming pastime of yours, she should be ok with it.

 

You say the date itself was great, and you liked her.

I wouldn't give up - I'd try to organise another date - like to do something specific at a specific time, rather than keep asking when she is free.

[ChicagoSparty]

She's Stage 5

[Rko28]

Friday was another good date, we went for a nice walk and ended the night with a few drinks, again we got on well and there's was something there.

A little kiss at the end of the night and we went our separate ways.

 

I had some pretty devastating family news last week so needed to attend to that this weekend, I to.d her this and she was so lovely about it, said to call her anytime if I needed to talk.

 

When I got home on Friday I decided to hide my profile on pof, I do get a few messages on there and decided I don't want my head turned so god myself, I noticed she was online so thought Id text again thanking for a nice night and making she she got home ok, I said I'd taken myself off for many reasons and one of them was that I'm not a multi dater but didn't expect her to do the same its just me and my personal belief.

 

She replied saying I could talk to any girl if I wanted, then said she's really attracted to me and can see herself liking me more and more the more often we meet.

 

All fine but my friend who's also on POF has said that she's constantly online and has been since Friday night.

 

No biggy especially after 2 dates but something to watch out for.

[wizer]

All fine but my friend who's also on POF has said that she's constantly online and has been since Friday night.

 

No biggy especially after 2 dates but something to watch out for.

 

Too much drama too early on. Until and unless you're exclusive then don't give her being online any more thought.

 

Pulling your own profile down might be misconstrued as you coming on too strong too fast. I would leave it up there until and unless you have the exclusivity talk.

 

By the way it's much too soon for the exclusivity talk. Just like it is too soon to question her being online and removing your own profile.

[Auspecial]

 

All fine but my friend who's also on POF has said that she's constantly online and has been since Friday night.

 

No biggy especially after 2 dates but something to watch out for.

 

 

I'm glad the second date went so well!

 

Dating Life these days is so weird and wrought with land mines, I get really happy when it looks like some success is happening.

 

If I were you, I would consider the OLD site to be like a local bar where people go to hang out and be social, and possibly meet someone special. But meeting someone special is not assumed, as evidenced by the mountains of mis-fires and situations that do not work. She's met you and obviously likes you a lot, as proven by both her actions and words. But she still likes to relax at the bar sometimes.

 

I think you should try to relax more and just let it flow. Don't have your friend watching her internet movements. For that matter, you don't know if he is being completely honest. Men are notorious for competing for women in less than forthright ways. I would make the dating site a Non Issue at this point. If you don't want to be on there, then don't. But don't bring it up again with her until a time when you absolutely know that you want to be exclusive.

 

At this point, some people just stop using it and don't bother with taking down their profile, and others joyously disconnect from the sites. Either way, appropriate timing is key, and right now isn't the right time.

 

Good Luck to you!!

[Gary S]

Stop texting and call next time for a date..... it's easier to negotiate a date on a call. Text is a poor form of communication.

[angel.eyes]

She doesn't have a working phone. He can't call. That's why they use whatsapp.

[DaisyBug]

A beautiful woman whom no one wants to keep? Hmm.

[Gary S]

Who in the world does not have a working phone? Your new rule - no phone, no date. Gee, some of you guys sure can pick 'em!

[Rko28]

We can talk on the phone it's just it needs to be speaker for her end to hear me which obvs isnt ideal, it's also a legit problem.

 

My friend who's seen her on POF wasn't doing it to stir, he's a good friend and absolutely no threat at all to try and ruin it, like I said it's not a big issue for me, I took mine down because I know from past experiences the grass is always greener syndrome could kick in.

 

I'm happy going with the flow, I'm not even thinking about becoming serious at the minute with her but what I've seen so far she has potential to be a very good girlfriend. Early days