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Breaking up with boyfriend over his past: Missing out on somebody great or...?


SilentiousBird

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SilentiousBird

My boyfriend and I have been struggling with an ongoing issue for... almost our entire relationship of nearly 2 years. He's 24 and slept with 30 other women before we met; I'm 27 and slept with 9 men before him. My feelings about this have been pent up for a while now, so this may be long...

 

I was the first person he had been with in 7 months after he decided he didn't want to casually date around anymore. The longest he had gone without sex, actually. I was the first girl he's ever had to really chase after. We met in a club where I was body painting and I painted his face. He said he fell in love with me the moment he saw me. I don't normally talk to guys I meet at a club/bar and I'm more of a long term relationship type so I had no intention of jumping into bed with this guy. He seemed sincere though. We took things slowly, he was very respectful, and it all just felt natural and easy going.

 

Initially we avoided the whole conversation about our pasts, but about a month into dating, everything was more or less out in the open. He did lie to me about some things, like what he did and who he did it with, but he insists the truth is all out by now.

 

I've been having an extremely hard time accepting his past. Imagining him having sex with *30* other women is gross to me. He slept with his friend's mother. He had a foursome with that same friend, her boyfriend, and a random girl. I'm constantly sexually frustrated because I love sex, but the idea of having it with him is a turn off. I don't even feel comfortable being fully naked around him.

 

He says him sleeping around mostly happened when he was living in a dorm during his first two years of college in NYC. He had some insecurities and his friends were the player type. He wanted to be accepted by those guys. He never cheated on anyone. He said he ultimately just really wanted a relationship with somebody, and envied his friends back home who could maintain long term relationships, but he didn't know how to do it.

 

The worst part? About 9 months ago I had a weird hunch and asked him to get tested for every STD despite him saying he was clean. Well, his results came back positive for oral AND genital herpes. My results were all negative. Ever since then I've had a harder and harder time being in this relationship. I have endometriosis so I've got enough going on "down there." I don't feel right jeopardizing my health because of his irresponsibility in his past. I've done my research on herpes and understand that we can have a healthy sex life (he's on medication now and we use condoms), but personally, I just don't know if it's a risk I want to take.

 

My boyfriend has done EVERYTHING to try to prove that he only wants to be with me and says he has no intention of ever being like he used to be (although the other day he said he "doesn't know" if he'll sleep around again if we break up, so I question if he's being honest). He is genuinely a really nice guy and total gentleman so it's hard to even imagine him being a manwhore. He rarely looks at porn anymore, cut off all ties to any old partners even if they were good friends, never hangs out with his player friends anymore, and threw out anything that could make me think of his past. I never asked him to do any of this.

 

We've been mostly living together the past year and a half. We've traveled all over the US together. We're best friends and have a blast together and work amazingly as a team. He supports me and my dreams more than anyone else ever has, even my family. He says on a near daily basis that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Every issue we have we openly communicate about it.

 

But this relationship has brought out so many insecurities in myself. No matter what, I feel insecure, inadequate. Even though I've taught him a lot of things sexually (he never experimented much outside of missionary), I still feel like I'm not good enough because I'm only one woman. He says I'm incomparable to anyone he's ever been with. Every day we've been together he reminds me how much he loves me.

 

I've been on the verge of breaking up because my insecurities are swallowing me whole. We're also in a huge transition right now and I can't tell if the anxiety of that is making want to jump ship, or if something is truly off. Then again, I've been feeling "off" about us for a long time now. We're moving from New York to New Mexico this week for his job and I'm terrified of the idea of moving across the country to a place that I don't know, only to continue feeling the way I do now. Also, this his first and only real serious relationship. That weirds me out too as he doesn't have much history of committing long term. In his last relationship before me (a year prior to us meeting), his sexual past was also an issue. He told his ex he was done sleeping around, but then after he broke up with her after 4 months of dating, he slept with 3 girls and had that foursome with his friends. I don't know whether to believe he's done this time or not.

 

Am I being ridiculous? Am I making this all to be a bigger deal than it needs to be? Should I just stop focusing on all the negatives and appreciate him for who he is, now, with me? Or is my gut trying to tell me something and I should run far away from a previous player?

 

Outside of his past, we're great together. He's willing to do anything to make this work and we've discussed couples counseling once we move and get settled. I know he would make a great husband and father one day, but I'm scared I won't always be enough for him. He's got a log of 30 women to visualize if he's bored of having sex with me and that disturbs me. I'm trying to do what I can to boost my self-confidence, but I still always wonder if he liked so and so better in bed, etc. These thoughts feel like a vicious cycle and it almost seems easier to ditch the relationship than confront my insecurities.

 

Any insight is greatly appreciated. I tend to keep my personal life, well, personal, so I rarely even vent to my friends about it. I also feel like an insecure teenager, but I guess now that STDs are involved, I'm somewhat justified, right? Ugh. Relationships make me want to just adopt puppies and plants and spend my life taking care of them instead.

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It seems like the issues and incompatibility are severe enough here that reassessing the relationship (and certainly the move) would be a good idea. Honestly I don't see you reconciling things anytime soon if your concerns are as grave as you say they are, and if they are, no amount of reassurance here is going to to put them at ease for any appreciable length of time.

 

He's got a 'manwhore' past (that's relative but we can accept your definition for the sake of the discussion), you dislike manwhores and get creeped out by their pasts, so ....major incompatibilities, right? His past isn't going away and neither are your sensibilities.

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It's sad when so many other parts of a relationship are going well, but a deal breaker is a deal breaker.

 

He can't change his past. It is what it is. He's been honest enough to share it with you, something it seems now was a bit of a mistake.

 

Everyone has baggage, the question is what are you willing to live with and see past. If you loved him enough, could you let it go? Maybe. But the situation is what it is.

 

In your heart of hearts, if you can't get over his past, then you're with the wrong man. As great as you both are together, if you can't let the past go, then you'll never be able to move forward as a couple.

 

At least you've discovered one of your deal breakers. Something to keep in mind for future relationships.

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deathandtaxes

For the STD part, a lot of places won't test for herpes because so many people carry the virus. A lot of people carry the virus and never show any symptoms. He could well have been tested for STD's, but those tests may not have included herpes.

 

Anyways, you've been struggling with this for two years? You're never going to get over this.

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Id say bail or itll keep eating at you. Dont compromise what you really want in a partner, or you wont be happy.

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TunaInTheBrine

I'm going to advocate the other side here.

 

He said he stopped chasing tail and held out until he found the real thing. That was you. And by your own account, the two of you have a great relationship. It's your own insecurities that are eating at you. I certainly wouldn't be pleased about the herpes thing, but if your relationship is that connected, you can work around it. If you are serious about him and want to make it work, I would consider you going to see a therapist to work through your insecurities about his number of sexual partners. We all have things in our past we are not proud of, but the thing to remember is that it's the past, not the present. Sure, it's a part of who he is, but it's not all of who he is.

 

I am actually really surprised no one else on here is advocating for the relationship!

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I'm going to advocate the other side here.

 

I am actually really surprised no one else on here is advocating for the relationship!

 

Rationally, I think she understands that the past is the past.

 

But it's nigh impossible to remove an idea planted by emotion with reason alone.

 

As much as she wants to let it go, she doesn't appear to be able too. Having done therapy, there are limits to what you can really convince yourself of.

 

Either you make the choice to let it go, and so be it. Or you don't.

It sounds like she just can't seem to let it go.

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Grumpybutfun

Values are values and if his past makes you disrespect him, then et him go so he can find someone who loves him for exactly who he is.

Best,

Grumps

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I don't have any solutions for this couple, but this is why we all need to start telling people to never have the "numbers" talk.

 

Discussing these things never helps and can only hurt. You either say one person too many and you look slutty and disease ridden and indiscriminate. Or you say one person too few and you look undesirable and inept.

 

This is so hard for people to understand this but it is no-one's business how many people you have slept with and it is none of your business how many people they have slept with.

 

When you peel away the layers and get to the root cause, the only reason people want to know how many someone has slept with is so they can judge them and use it as an exclusion criteria if it is one person too many or one person too few.

 

People say they don't/won't judge, but it's impossible not to. We all make a thousand judgements a day. Once you hear the number, the judgement is made and there is no taking it back.

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Anyways, you've been struggling with this for two years? You're never going to get over this.

 

Two years is a long time. If you haven't been able to deal with him as the person he is now, celibate for 7 months before he met you, worked to get you & faithful ever since, you have to let him go. It's really unfair of you to continue to judge him on the boy he was rather than the man he is

 

 

If you are negative & he's positive, the herpes alone would send me out the door.

 

 

Unless you can invent a time machine & go back & erase his past (but that will change who he is now) you either have to accept who he is now without every looking back or you have to move on. You can't very well keep him & punish him or constantly worry.

 

 

I'm not sure why you know his # or what stupidity possessed him to share the details with you but this is why I advocate vague honesty so the specifics don't freak out current partners.

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TunaInTheBrine
I don't have any solutions for this couple, but this is why we all need to start telling people to never have the "numbers" talk.

 

Discussing these things never helps and can only hurt. You either say one person too many and you look slutty and disease ridden and indiscriminate. Or you say one person too few and you look undesirable and inept.

 

This is so hard for people to understand this but it is no-one's business how many people you have slept with and it is none of your business how many people they have slept with.

 

When you peel away the layers and get to the root cause, the only reason people want to know how many someone has slept with is so they can judge them and use it as an exclusion criteria if it is one person too many or one person too few.

 

People say they don't/won't judge, but it's impossible not to. We all make a thousand judgements a day. Once you hear the number, the judgement is made and there is no taking it back.

 

I agree 100%. I never disclose how many people I've been with, but if a woman says she thinks I've been with a ton of women, then I'll just say "not as many as you'd think" and leave it at that.

 

I know some people (men and women) who have been with 60, 100, or even hundreds of sex partners! 30 might seem like a lot to the average person, but it's not that high.

 

Given how many jerks there are out there who can't commit to a relationship or have no idea how to have one, I think OP is lucky to have a wonderful relationship with someone she considers her best friend. You might find your next boyfriend with fewer sex partners, but he will have baggage like anyone else. Is this truly something you cannot move beyond? Will you regret it years later if you let him go?

 

Also, I sense that if the sex roles were reversed in this situation, OP as a man would be getting flamed right now and there would be all kinds of discussion about female sexual empowerment going on around here :rolleyes:

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If you'd just met the guy, I'd recommend that you bail. I absolutely don't buy the 'you have no business knowing or judging him' line - we all make judgements about our partners, in many aspects of life, and this is just another one of them. Everyone has the right to choose a compatible partner, so I don't see why 'numbers' should be somehow exempt to the usual process of choosing whereas everything else is apparently 'fair game'.

 

But... you've been together for 2 years. Why would you even string him along for that long when you knew this information 1 month into the relationship??? If this had been a dealbreaker for you, you should have left when the information presented itself.

 

I won't tell you to stay or to leave, but IMO you did him a pretty big wrong by keeping these feelings pent up for 2 years. If you really can't accept his past, I suppose you should do the right thing and leave anyway before it becomes 5 years or 10.

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Leave him. After 2 years your disdain for his past is not going to magically disappear and this man deserves a woman by his side that will be proud of him and look up to him for whom he is today.

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I really wish that people would get the idea that raking through each others sexual past is not a good idea.

 

The past is the past, but in some cases it can spoil the present.

 

If the present is spoiled, the future is spoiled along with it.

 

If the issue can't be resolved in the present, there is no future.

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SilentiousBird
For the STD part, a lot of places won't test for herpes because so many people carry the virus. A lot of people carry the virus and never show any symptoms. He could well have been tested for STD's, but those tests may not have included herpes.

 

Anyways, you've been struggling with this for two years? You're never going to get over this.

 

Yeah I never was aware of this until I spoke with my gynecologist. Even when I had been tested for STDs in the past, I apparently was never tested for herpes because I didn't specifically ask for it. Same for my boyfriend.

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SilentiousBird
I'm going to advocate the other side here.

 

He said he stopped chasing tail and held out until he found the real thing. That was you. And by your own account, the two of you have a great relationship. It's your own insecurities that are eating at you. I certainly wouldn't be pleased about the herpes thing, but if your relationship is that connected, you can work around it. If you are serious about him and want to make it work, I would consider you going to see a therapist to work through your insecurities about his number of sexual partners. We all have things in our past we are not proud of, but the thing to remember is that it's the past, not the present. Sure, it's a part of who he is, but it's not all of who he is.

 

I am actually really surprised no one else on here is advocating for the relationship!

 

Thank you for your positive reply!

 

I realize the core issue has nothing to do with him and it's my own insecurities speaking. I know I'm putting the strain on the relationship. Everyone has a past and the older I get, the more people I will meet whose past is probably more colorful than my boyfriend's. He's done everything to reassure me of his love, short of inventing a time machine to undo his past (which he even said he would do if he could, but deep down, I don't want him to change his past because he wouldn't be who he is now otherwise). He regretted his past before he ever met me.

 

We've also been apart for the past 6 weeks as he's been in another state for job training. I've been living at my dad's in New York while we're in between moving, and living here is an extremely negative situation. I've been in a dark place. Every issue seems magnified, whether it's my boyfriend's past, family problems, or my own problems.

 

I know that I alone probably need therapy. Depression/anxiety runs in my family. I thought I had gotten past my phase of severe self doubt 5 years ago but being this close to somebody has dredged up a lot of insecurities that I never fully addressed. I'd probably be feeling this way no matter who I'm dating after being together for two years. My family doesn't show love or appreciation very much so I have a hard time accepting the love even friends show me. I admit I'm somewhat broken but I want to put in the effort to be able to love him unconditionally, since that's all he's done for me.

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TunaInTheBrine
Thank you for your positive reply!

 

I realize the core issue has nothing to do with him and it's my own insecurities speaking. I know I'm putting the strain on the relationship. Everyone has a past and the older I get, the more people I will meet whose past is probably more colorful than my boyfriend's. He's done everything to reassure me of his love, short of inventing a time machine to undo his past (which he even said he would do if he could, but deep down, I don't want him to change his past because he wouldn't be who he is now otherwise). He regretted his past before he ever met me.

 

We've also been apart for the past 6 weeks as he's been in another state for job training. I've been living at my dad's in New York while we're in between moving, and living here is an extremely negative situation. I've been in a dark place. Every issue seems magnified, whether it's my boyfriend's past, family problems, or my own problems.

 

I know that I alone probably need therapy. Depression/anxiety runs in my family. I thought I had gotten past my phase of severe self doubt 5 years ago but being this close to somebody has dredged up a lot of insecurities that I never fully addressed. I'd probably be feeling this way no matter who I'm dating after being together for two years. My family doesn't show love or appreciation very much so I have a hard time accepting the love even friends show me. I admit I'm somewhat broken but I want to put in the effort to be able to love him unconditionally, since that's all he's done for me.

 

Good for you for having the emotional maturity and insight to tease apart your own issues from his. That is a critical skill for an emotionally satisfying life, and ultimately, emotionally satisfying relationship.

 

People are WAY too quick these days to cut off relationships because problems arise. Intimacy digs up all kinds of feelings unresolved from our past. Yours are indubitably being gnawed at by your relationship now. If you've made it this far, I think you should keep going. Do some work on yourself and get in therapy if you have to (it sounds like it would be really helpful for you), and ask your boyfriend for his support through this. It will only make you a stronger couple in the end, should you dare to try.

 

Like you said, your issues are going to get poked at no matter who you're with, even if 'the story' of it sounds different, there's something else you need to work through here.

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SilentiousBird
I don't have any solutions for this couple, but this is why we all need to start telling people to never have the "numbers" talk.

 

Discussing these things never helps and can only hurt. You either say one person too many and you look slutty and disease ridden and indiscriminate. Or you say one person too few and you look undesirable and inept.

 

This is so hard for people to understand this but it is no-one's business how many people you have slept with and it is none of your business how many people they have slept with.

 

When you peel away the layers and get to the root cause, the only reason people want to know how many someone has slept with is so they can judge them and use it as an exclusion criteria if it is one person too many or one person too few.

 

People say they don't/won't judge, but it's impossible not to. We all make a thousand judgements a day. Once you hear the number, the judgement is made and there is no taking it back.

 

I agree. Discussing numbers is just another chance to judge somebody. At first he and I said we weren't going to discuss our sexual pasts, but once he said his last girlfriend couldn't accept his past, I was curious. I guess it would have come up regardless after his STD test results.

 

I am definitely guilty of being overly judgmental. It's something I don't like about myself and am working on. I've broken up with guys with no second thought after they told me their #. My boyfriend now is just... different. Something about him compelled me to stay and try to work through this. Sometimes I can let his past go and not be bothered by it, sometimes I feel like it's all I can think about. Lately it's the latter.

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Well, these are just your insecurities. 30 is not much of a number for a guy. Since he says it mostly happened during one period (known as youth) and is tired of casual stuff, I'd believe him. This is why very young guys are no good for commitment -- they have to get it out of their systems first. Then some of them level out and are kind of over just the shallow variety sex. Same with women. I don't believe in judging people on how many partners or even talking about it. It's nobody's business! It has no bearing on how they are now. It's different if you catch him cheating. Then certainly, that means he's still a rover. And some guys are always rovers. But others explore sexuality in their younger years and then fall in love and decide that's even nicer.

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Well, these are just your insecurities. 30 is not much of a number for a guy. Since he says it mostly happened during one period (known as youth) and is tired of casual stuff, I'd believe him. This is why very young guys are no good for commitment -- they have to get it out of their systems first. Then some of them level out and are kind of over just the shallow variety sex. Same with women. I don't believe in judging people on how many partners or even talking about it. It's nobody's business! It has no bearing on how they are now. It's different if you catch him cheating. Then certainly, that means he's still a rover. And some guys are always rovers. But others explore sexuality in their younger years and then fall in love and decide that's even nicer.

 

Really, 30 isn't many? Haha, my number is ten times fewer than that!

Not all men and women have it in their system to get it out, you're generalising a fair bit there.

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SilentiousBird
Really, 30 isn't many? Haha, my number is ten times fewer than that!

Not all men and women have it in their system to get it out, you're generalising a fair bit there.

 

30 is a lot to me too (obviously haha). Everyone is different I guess. I lost my virginity to my first love who I dated for 2 years. After that, I wanted every sexual encounter to have a deeper connection. Otherwise I didn't see a point in being intimate with somebody. Sex is just better when you sync intellectually. I could have easily racked up the same if not more partners as my boyfriend, but I turned down those opportunities because it felt meaningless. Threesomes and kinky sex club nights included.

 

From my understanding, it also varies greatly on where you live. People who live in cities (such as my boyfriend in NYC) tend to have more partners. I read somewhere that San Francisco residents have an *average* of 30 partners. :confused:

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No 30 is not that many.

 

He's 24, lets say he started having sex at 18, that's 5 partners per year. That's sex each 2 month and a half.

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Okay, so let's unpack this into two circles: What Happened and Your Story.

 

What Happened: He slept with 3 times as many people as you have. He loves you deeply both in word and deed.

 

Your Story: Everything else is your story. The insecurity. The gross-ness of it. Even the worrying about whether he deep down wants that sort of life again. That he thinks less of you because you are just one woman. That you can't satisfy him. He'll stray. Heck, even that you're making him miserable with Your Story on this. That's all story. That's all stuff you just make up to make meaning out of What Happened.

 

We are humans. We make up stories about EVERYTHING. That's what we do. It isn't wrong. It just is. Just realize you're doing it and ask yourself if Your Story serves you. Does it allow you to grow this relationship with a man you love and loves you? You know the answer.

 

Here's the best thing about stories. They're just stories. You can rewrite them. You can make a different one. You can let this one go. Try this story on and see how it fits.

 

Your New Story: You boyfriend has experienced a lot of women in a lot of different ways. Yet, he loves you only. Adores you. Doesn't want anyone else. Why is that? Could it be that he's found perfection in you? Could it be that you alone stand so far apart from the rest that he shuns that former way of life? You must be pretty freaking incredible! Imagine you are a chef and you make a meal. Two men eat it. One is a starving man who has only lived on meager portions of bread his entire life. The other is a world renowned food critic. Both love your meal and say you're an incredible chef. But which man's opinion is more meaningful? The chef who is full of experience or the starving man who only knows bread? I think you know the answer. You must be an incredible chef to impress the food critic. You must be an incredible woman to have your boyfriend love you so. Good on ya!

 

So which story serves you?

 

Best of luck!

 

Mrin

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VengeanceGuidesMe

Oh the numbers. Should never discuss them.

 

First- The past is the past. Never judge your partner for this. They were who they were and you're lucky to have them how they are now. Everything they've done has led to the person they are, and I hope you're bf doesn't even express regret to you for this decisions.

 

My gf freaked on me for my number, which was when I vowed never to tell another gf ever. Although my response to her was get the **** over it or get the **** out. I slept with 9 girls in 3 years. That was her problem. She doesn't know anything else. Like the fact that 3 of them told me after the fact they had boy friends. I was just the nice guy they used to cheat with. Maybe they wanted out. Who knows. Four of them were girls that didn't answer my phone calls after :(. One was a 2 year relationship. The other was a mutual one night stands after my relationship.

 

 

Why should I be punished as a player when 7 of the 9 girls were unavailable to me after I decided to get intimate with them? You can say it's my fault for not having a better filter, but come on lady, I'm sure no guy ever made you feel like he wanted more from you before he hit and quit.

 

 

The past is the past, let it fade. No one is perfect.

 

 

Herpes. **** ****. Being STD free (hopefully. Been tested a bunch), I don't think I would get down on that train. I would be taking my clean genitalia and dipping it in bleach and then hitting the road. I have no idea, maybe this is ignorant, but I am terrified of STDs.

 

 

Finally.. At some age, you realize it isn't worth talking about your history anymore and there is no reason for you to tell nor ask it. If a girl asks me, I tell her she's not my first. If that's not satisfactory, I don't need to pass her judgment. I don't want to pass it. I tell her to get bent.

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No 30 is not that many.

 

He's 24, lets say he started having sex at 18, that's 5 partners per year. That's sex each 2 month and a half.

 

I think the number thing may be a factor, true, but I guess

" He slept with his friend's mother. He had a foursome with that same friend, her boyfriend, and a random girl."
and his admitted "player" lifestyle and player friends - plus he is Herpes positive, are all going against him here.

 

Men can get hung up on women with sexual pasts that are a bit "different", I guess the OP is entitled to get hung up on her ex player too.

 

The main problem here is

" I'm constantly sexually frustrated because I love sex, but the idea of having it with him is a turn off. I don't even feel comfortable being fully naked around him."
So whether we think he is an mere "amateur" or a manwhore is moot.

She is the one who needs to be turned on by him and as that is not happening, she needs to consider carefully whether she can forget his past and accept him as her sexual partner totally, or not.

If she feels she cannot get rid of those images of his past, or cannot get rid of her judgement of him or her insecurity about being enough for him, then she has to woman up and let him go.

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