ColdandLonelyinAK Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 What do you think when you start dating someone and they have nothing but terrible things to say about their ex? My experiences with my ex post-BU have made me wonder about this. When we first started dating, he went out of his way to badmouth his ex wife every chance he got. He even went as far as to insult her personal hygiene and his sexual experiences with her (she's a very large woman). It was always "You're so much better than her. She did this wrong. I feel so much closer to you. She was crazy. I feel like I have a new beginning with you. You're my soulmate. We've been through so much more together than I ever had with her." Etc, etc, etc. He also said the reason they were no longer together was because she cheated, which even now I am beginning to question. At the time, I felt it was a little odd that he was so focused on pointing out her flaws and comparing is. She did some crazy things to try to break us up and get his attention, but knowing him like I do now and in retrospect, I have to wonder if it's because of him. We went back and forth throughout our relationship, because he would talk to her behind my back. I feel it's important to mention that in my case, my ex added this ex wife back to Facebook immediately after we broke up, so she couldn't have been that bad. I had an awful run in with the new person my ex is seeing the other night, and seeing her reaction to what I had to say, as well as experiencing some threats and glares from his friends, I am thinking he's probably trash talking me just as he did with his other ex. Do you think it's possible that some people are always "victims" in their breakups even if they were the dumper, or some people are so narcissistic that they truly believe they can do no wrong. What is the point of trashing your ex to the new significant other? Is this a narcissistic trait? Just wondering your opinions, if anyone has had an SO like this? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 Some people put others down in order to raise themselves up. I don't know what's the real reasons behind but it's a very ugly behavior I cannot stand. No I never had to deal with this because don't associate or date these people. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 Yes, a big red flag. Much like a kiss-and-tell person who you should avoid when dating. These people have no qualms about airing out their laundry and other people's personal stuff. Run away. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
S_A Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 Not sure what the reasoning is, but at the least you can say your ex is immature. It also may have to do with him trying to protect his ego by convincing everyone in his social circle that he wasn't the reason the relationship failed. I've never bad mouthed an ex (even if they deserved it) and have lied and said that I was the one that got dumped by a certain girl when in fact I dumped her. I personally do not care if someone thinks I was dumped (which would imply I'm bad BF material), but your ex may care (which is why he'd be preemptive by bad mouth his exes). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S_A Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 Some people put others down in order to raise themselves up. This is a pet peeve of mine. What often happens is the bad-mouther brings both of them down with the bad mouthing. Very distasteful. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aloneinaz Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 I think you should not be so concerned about what this ex did or is doing and focus you energy in moving past it. Why analyze what he did or didn't do? What value is in this? You're ruminating over this guy and your PAST history with him. It's not helping you move on, what so ever. From what you've described in your other threads, you should be grateful that he's in your past. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ColdandLonelyinAK Posted June 30, 2015 Author Share Posted June 30, 2015 I take issue with personal matters being discussed. He even went as far as to try to turn my own friends and MOTHER against me by making himself out to seem innocent. It amazes me how easy it is for the new SO to believe it. Maybe it just feels so good to have an attractive, charming man in your life that it's hard to believe he could be the cruel one in past relationships. I feel foolish for falling for this! It's terrifying that he is telling all of my personal issues to this girl (possibly, most likely). You should have seen the way she looked at me. I always, though I couldn't stand the way she acted, had compassion for his ex wife. He must really be doing a number on me to make this girl look at me with such disgust, especially since I knew her long before he did! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ColdandLonelyinAK Posted June 30, 2015 Author Share Posted June 30, 2015 I think you should not be so concerned about what this ex did or is doing and focus you energy in moving past it. Why analyze what he did or didn't do? What value is in this? You're ruminating over this guy and your PAST history with him. It's not helping you move on, what so ever. From what you've described in your other threads, you should be grateful that he's in your past. Because I feel he's ruining my reputation. It's a hard pill to swallow. I don't get why people do this. If you dump someone, just respect what you had with them and move on quietly. Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 Because I feel he's ruining my reputation. It's a hard pill to swallow. I don't get why people do this. If you dump someone, just respect what you had with them and move on quietly. Dorothy Parker once quipped, "what other people say about me is none of my business." I totally agree with her. What good does it do you to hear 3rd hand what your ex-bf says about you behind your back to people? If those people are mature, they'll just roll their eyes at him and tell him to knock it off. But if they are gossipers, they will revel in his every lying-word about you and spread his lies to their other gossip monger pals. At the end of the day, he's an ex. He's in your past. Leave your past and everyone whose wronged you alone. Stop caring what he says about you. The relationship is over. Exes who bad mouth their ex-partners are insecure, self-absorbed, shallow people who like to play the victim to everyone who will listen. He's not worth your time. Ok? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 I take issue with personal matters being discussed. He even went as far as to try to turn my own friends and MOTHER against me by making himself out to seem innocent. It amazes me how easy it is for the new SO to believe it. Maybe it just feels so good to have an attractive, charming man in your life that it's hard to believe he could be the cruel one in past relationships. I feel foolish for falling for this! It's terrifying that he is telling all of my personal issues to this girl (possibly, most likely). You should have seen the way she looked at me. I always, though I couldn't stand the way she acted, had compassion for his ex wife. He must really be doing a number on me to make this girl look at me with such disgust, especially since I knew her long before he did!I think it's very much linked to Narcissistic Personality Disorder. One of the reasons my BU(the reason I'm here in LS) was so painful was not only was I blindsided, but I discovered that she was saying horrendous things about me to other people. Utter hate. Our intimacy was completely denigrated and devalued to other people. It was...crippling. I would never wish that on anyone. I can't understand why anyone would do that. To my face, she said nothing but diplomatic things(even after I found out about her affair and the smear campaign) like "We're very different." and "I hope this doesn't scar you." Yet she would continue with her smear campaign the minute she left my presence. I think the important thing to remember is these people are concerned with their image. That is their only concern. Disengage completely from the narcissist in your life. Any information you give them will be used against you. The only way to beat them is to never cross their path again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ColdandLonelyinAK Posted June 30, 2015 Author Share Posted June 30, 2015 I think it's very much linked to Narcissistic Personality Disorder. One of the reasons my BU(the reason I'm here in LS) was so painful was not only was I blindsided, but I discovered that she was saying horrendous things about me to other people. Utter hate. Our intimacy was completely denigrated and devalued to other people. It was...crippling. I would never wish that on anyone. I can't understand why anyone would do that. To my face, she said nothing but diplomatic things(even after I found out about her affair and the smear campaign) like "We're very different." and "I hope this doesn't scar you." Yet she would continue with her smear campaign the minute she left my presence. I think the important thing to remember is these people are concerned with their image. That is their only concern. Disengage completely from the narcissist in your life. Any information you give them will be used against you. The only way to beat them is to never cross their path again. I completely understand. It feels as if all your experiences and special moments together meant nothing to them, if they could insult you like that after the break. It's heartbreaking. Makes you question if the entire relationship was a lie. I read that, with NPD relationships, really a lot of the relationship is a lie though, because the person wasn't their true self for a lot of the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
aloneinaz Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 Because I feel he's ruining my reputation. The big issue here is- **You can't control what he does or says. **You can't control what other people may or may not think of you. You CAN control how you choose to react to it by showing strong indifference to the whole thing. I'm not trying to be hurtful in saying this but.. Your time you're spending would be so much better spend on working on your self esteem. People with strong self esteem don't give a rats azz what some douche bag is saying about you. They also are able to rationally see that their ex is a douche and are glad it's over. They then move forward with their lives and when ready, find someone who's a good person and a compatible fit to them. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ColdandLonelyinAK Posted June 30, 2015 Author Share Posted June 30, 2015 Dorothy Parker once quipped, "what other people say about me is none of my business." I totally agree with her. What good does it do you to hear 3rd hand what your ex-bf says about you behind your back to people? If those people are mature, they'll just roll their eyes at him and tell him to knock it off. But if they are gossipers, they will revel in his every lying-word about you and spread his lies to their other gossip monger pals. At the end of the day, he's an ex. He's in your past. Leave your past and everyone whose wronged you alone. Stop caring what he says about you. The relationship is over. Exes who bad mouth their ex-partners are insecure, self-absorbed, shallow people who like to play the victim to everyone who will listen. He's not worth your time. Ok? I'll try. It shouldn't matter as much as it does, but living in a small town and having him approach family, friends, acquaintances like this and say these things is embarrassing to me. Knowing the awful, personal things he said about his ex wife makes me even more worried. Link to post Share on other sites
yxalitis Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 But aren't YOU bad mouthing you ex over his behaviour on a public forum? If you had kept it generic, fair question. But you specifically dragged your ex into, in effect doing the same thing you're complaining about. My ex used to do that all the time! Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 I could totally handle a guy who had a bad experience with his ex, but I'd just ask him to not speak about her to me. Link to post Share on other sites
awooga Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 It depends how often they bring up there ex. In conversations about past relationships my ex's (and myself) have had plenty of bad things to say about ex's! but if they are constantly going on about them I'd kind of start to think maybe there not totally over them. Most of my ex's are pretty irrelevant to me now! Link to post Share on other sites
phineas Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 my ex wife is a liar, cheater & manipulative. She constantly tells the kids lies about me and is always going against the divorce agreement concerning the kids. She is a total nightmare. I have nothing nice to say about her. However, I only talk about her when my friends pointedly ask about her and never on a date. why would I? I'm with a pretty girl. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 only if you didn't ask... then it's tacky. oh, and you said exes... I think it's possible to have had a bad experience recently that is so out of the ordinary that you can't help but talk about it maybe once, and in the context of the conversation. Not like a starter topic or something. You made me look back.... if I only count my serious GF's : #1 - I can't think of a thing wrong with her except she didn't love me long enough #2 - I think of her as a pain in the ass, but that just meant I didn't like her. She was a very decent person, and I don't think I was over #1 yet, which always spoils things. #3 - Not a good personality mix with me, but other than that, she was great to be around. Difficult relationship, personality clashes. #4 - One of my best friends. I just never fell in love. Great girl, and we had a ton of fun. #5 - My best girlfriend ever. Not a word bad to say about her. I never fell in love with her either, but on paper, I should have, and I'm sure we'd have lived happily ever after. I think I broke her heart, and I feel awful about it, even now. #6 - I knew I'd marry her the day we met. Don't know why, I just knew. Now, I do say bad things about her, but only to her face. She gives as good as she gets. I like that! I think I've been very lucky with the ladies. Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 I talk **** about my ex to all new guys. He totally deserves it Apart from him, I'm still friends with most of other exes. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 It's a big red flag. They aren't ready to date IMO because they haven't completely moved on. They're still stuck in the jaded phase and are not in a healthy place. No thanks. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 This is actually one of the signs of an abuser. Obviously one sign does not mean that he is one as it takes a combination of things. My last ex did the same thing. I asked him not to talk bout his exes to me anymore. One in particular he gave a dreadful nasty name to and I even asked him to stop calling her that when I was around. Some of the 'blame' he laid on his exes was quite simply ridiculous to be honest and I called him on it t. What I do know though is that that ex of mine was controlling and emotionally abusive. ..She says, talking about an ex but he is the only ex I post about on here in a not so nice way and it's literally only because I had never experienced anything like him before. It's been a learning curve to figure out that RS since I ended it. Just remember that those he is talking to know what he is like and that he does this. You dodged a potential bullet so instead think yourself lucky.. Link to post Share on other sites
GravityMan Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 People who have nothing but bad things to say about their exes. Red flag? Short answer: Yes. This is one of the few cases that I think the context doesn't really matter. It's just in very poor taste to talk crap about your ex, period. Spending a lot of time talking about your ex in a positive way is also in poor taste, unless explicitly asked by your partner (and that's a whole other can of worms, IMO). It just shows that the person's not truly over their ex. He/she can't let the past go. Furthermore, the folks who bad mouth their exes constantly show that they're willing to allow hate into their minds. Mature people may dislike the occasional person, but they do not stoop to hatred and loathing. They have better control of their emotions. Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 OP, I agree with what others have said about not moving on. If people have nothing better to do than trash their ex's then they have a problem. It seems that this guy is still hurt over the break-up and hasn't got over it. I would tread warily. Link to post Share on other sites
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