suckered Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 I am not sure if I am over-reacting. We got serious quite quickly and are now exclusive and boyfriend/girlfriend. We have met each other's parents and already had a weekend trip away. He seems committed - he calls me all the time and buys me sweet things. When I went to check his dating profile on the site we met on, I saw that he still has a profile but hasn't logged in in over 2 weeks. I wasn't concerned. I did then search his handle and found that he has OLD account on another site too. On that one, he has logged in EVERY DAY for the past few days. I never had a profile on that site so it wasn't to keep tabs on me or anything. I didn't want to tell him that I found the other site. So I diplomatically told him that I think we should delete our profiles on the dating site we met as we shouldn't be looking for others. He immediately agreed and deleted it and said that he wasn't active on it anyway. But here is the catch: he didn't delete the one that he was active on every day!!! Obviously, he thinks I don't know about it. We did have a rough patch lately with some arguments but still, I feel like this is deceitful and I am considering ending things over it. I just don't want to do anything impulsive. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 I'm gonna wash that man right outta my hair, I'm gonna wash that man right outta my hair... Ditch and move on. 3 months is too long for him to have not deleted it all. Link to post Share on other sites
Aspie1987 Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 You're right, best not to act on impulses, however I would call him out on the other dating profile. If he's truly committed to you, that would've been deleted at the same time as the other one. If he's as serious as he sounds, he'll admit his duplicity, delete the profile, and ask for your forgiveness (as he ought to at this point!). However, if he refuses to delete the other profile when directly confronted about it, then he's just tipped his hand. Best of luck to you! Link to post Share on other sites
almond Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 We did have a rough patch lately with some arguments but still, I feel like this is deceitful and I am considering ending things over it. I just don't want to do anything impulsive. Act on that impulse. Believe me, you won't end up regretting it. This guy is dishonest and completely untrustworthy, and he has more than proven this to you in only a few short weeks. The road ahead is not a pleasant one with him by your side. Ditch him quick smart and don't look back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 You're right, best not to act on impulses, however I would call him out on the other dating profile. If he's truly committed to you, that would've been deleted at the same time as the other one. If he's as serious as he sounds, he'll admit his duplicity, delete the profile, and ask for your forgiveness (as he ought to at this point!). However, if he refuses to delete the other profile when directly confronted about it, then he's just tipped his hand. Best of luck to you! Its 3 months... After a few weeks and month yes... But she has been seeing him for far too long for it not to be considered "exclusive". Now I know that the band wagon will be on me. But a while ago we used to have this thing called "Common Sense" and "Self respect". That means when people behaved badly we just chippty chopped them out of our lives and they soon learnt to behave or miss out. These days we get all floaty flowery about the feelings of the people who are behaving like absolute *****ers... WHY? So no my advice stands. Chippity chop. Don't look back. Shoulders back, stomach in, radiant smile on face. If he asks why you disappeared just tell him that you are greedy and want a man all to yourself and expect to behave the same way in return. After 3 months if he is still looking you don't see why you shouldn't too... for someone better. Chippity chop OP and be thankful that you caught it now! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author suckered Posted June 30, 2015 Author Share Posted June 30, 2015 I feel like there is no point in asking him to delete that profile. He will do it and for all I know open another one, or on a different site. I think this is a huge window into his personality that could have taken me a year to find! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 I feel like there is no point in asking him to delete that profile. He will do it and for all I know open another one, or on a different site. I think this is a huge window into his personality that could have taken me a year to find! I think it was pretty wise of you do to a little sleuthing. And you're right - God knows how many other profiles he might create even if he DID shut this one down. Good you found out now - it would suck finding out a year later that you'd been swindled by this ass. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 I feel like there is no point in asking him to delete that profile. He will do it and for all I know open another one, or on a different site. I think this is a huge window into his personality that could have taken me a year to find! Exactly. I also have to wonder..why was it you became *serious* so quickly? And are you referring to sex...or the relationship in general? Was that his doing, coming on super strong and fast? Or were you the driving force? I never trusted men who came on super strong and fast with me....I found they always had some sort of an *agenda* of which I knew nothing about.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author suckered Posted June 30, 2015 Author Share Posted June 30, 2015 He was the driving force. He told me on date 1 how he is looking for a serious relationship and wanted to spend all his time with me. He showered me with flowers and compliments. We had sex on third date but it looked like a part of a relationship. He also set up me meeting his parents after the first month. It wasn't a function that I was casually invited to. He specifically organized a fancy dinner out because he felt things between us are serious and he is close to his family 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 He was the driving force. He told me on date 1 how he is looking for a serious relationship and wanted to spend all his time with me. He showered me with flowers and compliments. We had sex on third date but it looked like a part of a relationship. He also set up me meeting his parents after the first month. It wasn't a function that I was casually invited to. He specifically organized a fancy dinner out because he felt things between us are serious and he is close to his family well, something is up if he's got recently active profiles on other sites. You should copy and paste his profile verbage and google search it--chances are, he's saying the same thing on all of the sites he's on and google will spit them out for you. It's how I "shoot fish in a barrel" when gutting catfish on dating sites. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 I am not sure if I am over-reacting. We got serious quite quickly and are now exclusive and boyfriend/girlfriend. We have met each other's parents and already had a weekend trip away. He seems committed - he calls me all the time and buys me sweet things. When I went to check his dating profile on the site we met on, I saw that he still has a profile but hasn't logged in in over 2 weeks. I wasn't concerned. I did then search his handle and found that he has OLD account on another site too. On that one, he has logged in EVERY DAY for the past few days. I never had a profile on that site so it wasn't to keep tabs on me or anything. I didn't want to tell him that I found the other site. So I diplomatically told him that I think we should delete our profiles on the dating site we met as we shouldn't be looking for others. He immediately agreed and deleted it and said that he wasn't active on it anyway. But here is the catch: he didn't delete the one that he was active on every day!!! Obviously, he thinks I don't know about it. We did have a rough patch lately with some arguments but still, I feel like this is deceitful and I am considering ending things over it. I just don't want to do anything impulsive. It's wise to keep a cool head and focus on your needs. You've addressed the situation with him, so he is aware that he is "under the microscope" so to speak. Continue to observe his behavior with you now. Is he otherwise treating you well, having good quality communication, dating you properly and making you feel connected? If not, you'll need to focus on your needs and wants in a relationship and weigh whether or not he is meeting or bringing enough to the table for you. I'd suggest stepping back a little. If you've been doing some of or a lot of initiating, don't initiate contact or getting together for a while. Give it a couple of weeks. Let him do all of that. You be receptive and responsive, but don't initiate. Sit on your hands a little bit. See if he continues to keep things moving forward himself. Let him demonstrate his continued and sincere interest in you. Observe. Like I said, continue to respond, etc. don't pull away, just stay centered. If he starts to "drop" off, you'll know better what's what with him. My next question is this . . . if he has been making you feel secure in your relationship, why would you have checked the site? There must be some kind of gut thing going that is causing you to feel insecure and that's usually because the man isn't showing you enough to make you feel secure. Start focusing on your needs and wants in a relationship. Is he meeting those needs and wants? Is he bringing enough to the table to tell you he is a good candidate for the kind of relationship you want? And, what kinds of things are you arguing about after only 3 months? At this point if there should only really be misunderstandings or "simple" things, if you're having full on arguments at this point, something else is up. You're lives should be simpler right now and not too entangled with expectations of each other beyond good quality and consistent communication, getting to know one another and having fun. Not mired in arguments. Start focusing on yourself a little more and less on the relationship right now. Take some pressure off. Link to post Share on other sites
Author suckered Posted June 30, 2015 Author Share Posted June 30, 2015 There was a misunderstanding that I probably over reacted over. I was close to breaking up with him. We ended up clearing the air and I felt a lot better and closer to him. I also apologized. He was agreeable but acting a bit distant, a bit less affectionate. That's why I searched the dating sites. It always puzzles me how men dislike any kind of conflict. Keep in mind that this is the first time I checked the sites. For all I know he has been logging in every day for 3 months. Or he started logging in after the argument. He already asked me just now why am I acting distant when he deleted his profile as soon as I told him. I just started talking about something else. Link to post Share on other sites
acrosstheuniverse Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 Not all men dislike conflict. Three months, you've had time for a 'rough patch' but he hasn't deleted his profiles? If he's still hunting you're NOT in an exclusive relationship. Sounds like you guys rushed a little into playing boyfriend and girlfriend without enough time to really build up getting to know one another, trusting one another and developing a friendship before deciding you were for keeps. I would dump his ass asap. He's still looking for other women! Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 Create a fake profile and go talk to him. You will know what he's up to and that will give you the peace of mind you need to dump him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author suckered Posted June 30, 2015 Author Share Posted June 30, 2015 Not all men dislike conflict. Three months, you've had time for a 'rough patch' but he hasn't deleted his profiles? If he's still hunting you're NOT in an exclusive relationship. Sounds like you guys rushed a little into playing boyfriend and girlfriend without enough time to really build up getting to know one another, trusting one another and developing a friendship before deciding you were for keeps. I would dump his ass asap. He's still looking for other women! I haven't pushed him into early commitment....I guess dishonesty bothers me. If you are looking for others, keep me informed and don't say we are exclusive unless you mean it. Also, an argument is not an excuse to go online and look for a replacement. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fitnessfan365 Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 I never trusted men who came on super strong and fast with me....I found they always had some sort of an *agenda* of which I knew nothing about.... Your BF came on stronger/faster than Superman in the very beginning and you guys are still together/happy after 5+ years. In regards to the OP that is definitely suspect. I mean if he was 100% fully invested after becoming "exclusive" he wouldn't have any active profiles at all. So something is definitely off. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 (edited) **Your BF came on stronger/faster than Superman in the very beginning and you guys are still together/happy after 5+ years.*** In regards to the OP that is definitely suspect. I mean if he was 100% fully invested after becoming "exclusive" he wouldn't have any active profiles at all. So something is definitely off. Yes he did......but apparently you missed the part where I said how UNCOMFORTABLE it made me (for various reasons)...... and how I requested he SLOW IT DOWN.....which he did! :p:p Again, I don't trust it when a man comes on that super strong and fast.... Edited June 30, 2015 by katiegrl Link to post Share on other sites
fitnessfan365 Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 Yes he did......but apparently you missed the part where I said how UNCOMFORTABLE it made me (for various reasons)...... and how I requested he SLOW IT DOWN.....which he did! :p:p Again, I don't trust it when a man comes on that super strong and fast.... No I get that it made you uncomfortable. But I was focusing more on your "lack of trust". Based on how you phrase it, it makes it sound like you'd instantly stop seeing a guy that came on too strong right away. However, you obviously trusted your BF enough to keep seeing him and stay with him for all these years. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 (edited) No I get that it made you uncomfortable. But I was focusing more on your "lack of trust". Based on how you phrase it, it makes it sound like you'd instantly stop seeing a guy that came on too strong right away. **However, you obviously trusted your BF enough to keep seeing him and stay with him for all these years.*** ff, no actually, despite my wild attraction to him from the get go...it took me awhile before I trusted him. When he came on like Superman in the beginning, it certainly gave me pause....so no I did not trust him at that time. Which is why I talked to him.... I am talking about the first couple of weeks, because after I talked to him about it, he respected my boundaries which spoke volumes! Which allowed me to start trusting him...and him me. But it took awhile.... With another guy, with whom our initial *connection* was not as strong and intense as it was with my bf.....him coming on like Superman may have been a dealbreaker. But I felt differently with my boyfriend, there was something special there, so I chose to talk to him instead of just bailing. But even with that....it took me awhile to fully trust....and for him to trust me too! You know....I don't talk about our relationship here...or our issues, but we certainly have experienced our fair share and have worked through them....and are still working through them as they arise. Our relationship is not all sweet peaches and cream as you might believe. But we love each other to death and are committed. And yes still happy after all these years. Hope that clarifies things better for ya... Edited June 30, 2015 by katiegrl Link to post Share on other sites
katinlc Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 I'm going to play devil's advocate for a moment. What dating site is he on? I know if he is on match and looks at the daily e-mails they send him, it shows he is online - even if he never really is on the site. My husband and I met on match. We moved quickly (engaged after 4 months, got married two weeks ago). After we became exclusive, he didn't take his profile down, but wasn't on (yes I'm a girl and watched it). Then occasionally it would show he was on. But I spent all my time with him so I knew he wasn't seeing someone behind my back. I finally said - did you know that you are still on match - he had no clue. He thought he had deleted and the once or twice it showed he was on was when he read an e-mail. He even was on automatic renew and ended up paying for another 3 months after we were engaged because he is that bad with that kind of stuff (and yes I was a little pissed at that - mainly because of the waste of money). It took me saying will you please go on and delete and I actually had to figure out how to delete it for him because he couldn't figure it out (and it took me a while - stupid purchase through itunes). I would bring it up one day nonchalantly - did you ever do any other dating websites beside XYZ? See if he says yes or no - if he says no, then it is time to confront. If he says yes, and mentions it then that leads the doorway for you to mention about him still being on there. Just don't jump to conclusions until you actually know the facts. Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 Well, if you have already had a discussion about taking the profile down and he knows he still has one up somewhere, that's fraud. Never stay with someone who lacks integrity. Link to post Share on other sites
Shining One Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 I'm going to play devil's advocate for a moment. What dating site is he on? I know if he is on match and looks at the daily e-mails they send him, it shows he is online - even if he never really is on the site.This is definitely a possibility. A friend of mine died last year. Her parents asked me to remove all of her online accounts. Even though she passed away in July, her Match account still showed "Active within 24 Hours" when I found her account in September. Link to post Share on other sites
Author suckered Posted June 30, 2015 Author Share Posted June 30, 2015 It's not Match, it's POF. He is online again today despite plans to see me tonight. What bothers me most is that he immediately deleted the profile I knew about and not only didn't delete this one but has logged in since Link to post Share on other sites
Author suckered Posted July 2, 2015 Author Share Posted July 2, 2015 Update: I saw him last night and he was very loving and affectionate...in fact he said: "There is something I need to tell you"...so I was like "Yeah?" He said: "I feel like there is really something between us. I can see being with you long term" then he went on to say: "At first I thought it was just infatuation but now I have real feelings. I am also a little bit scared"....He contacted me again today and invited me to spend the weekend with him. I couldn't help it so I made a fake profile. I filled it out and put on a few pictures of an attractive girl (but still real looking). My fake profile messaged him with a flirty message and asked him if he is up for coffee sometime because we live close. He responded: "Thanks for the message but I am seeing someone. Good luck with the dating site." If he is not meeting up why is he still on there? Link to post Share on other sites
changeofseasons Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 ^ hahaha oh my god, you are not going to get your answer unless you ask him directly. It seems that the universe is trying to tell you you need to communicate with your man, if you want a healthy relationship you better get use to expressing your feelings, no bs. Link to post Share on other sites
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