esstea Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 Did you ever bring it their attention? How did they act and what did you do about it? Kind of worried my boyfriend is a bit of a mommy's boy. He talks to his mother about almost EVERYTHING, like I'm almost sharing a relationship between both of them. While I understand it's completely ok for them to be close, I just find it a bit odd that let's say (for example) whenever something happens (minor or major), he'll be telling me, and then two seconds later he'd be calling his mother about it. Every, single, time. She knows probably everything that goes on in his life as it happens and also between both of us (in his defence she does live in a different country, but still it's kind of extensive from my point of view.) Maybe I'm just being crazy though, but has anyone ever dated a man extremely close to his mother in this way, almost to the point where it's a tad over bearing? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JADIE Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 Ugh...I married one...every time we had an argument, he ran to mommy to cool off. Five years of that shyte, combined with his disappearing sex drive, I checked out. RUN. NOW. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Fleur de cactus Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 Sometimes when your parent lives in another country there is this kind of need to be connected especially for parents who may be worried. Some people like to share stories and what is going on daily. If he cannot do anything with asking his mother's consent that is not good for an adult person, but if it is just to talk and share stories I think it is acceptable. Do you have parents? how often do you talk to them? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author esstea Posted June 30, 2015 Author Share Posted June 30, 2015 Ugh...I married one...every time we had an argument, he ran to mommy to cool off. Five years of that shyte, combined with his disappearing sex drive, I checked out. RUN. NOW. God that is extremely worrying. My boyfriend and I get into arguments sometimes too and I feel as if he always goes to her to cool off about it. She ends up reasoning with him and then comes back to me calmer. Which in a way is good, but is obviously a ****ing odd dynamic. I even tried bringing this up, but I think I may have worded it wrong with him because he got extremely defensive and said he doesn't tell everything to his mom. I don't think he realizes how emotionally dependant he is on her that it's become slightly worrying to his SO (aka, me). Link to post Share on other sites
Author esstea Posted June 30, 2015 Author Share Posted June 30, 2015 (edited) Sometimes when your parent lives in another country there is this kind of need to be connected especially for parents who may be worried. Some people like to share stories and what is going on daily. If he cannot do anything with asking his mother's consent that is not good for an adult person, but if it is just to talk and share stories I think it is acceptable. Do you have parents? how often do you talk to them? I'm not that close with my dad but I am close with my mother. I lived away from home for a bit during university so I do understand the concept of wanting to "connect" with your parents from time to time. But I wouldn't do in excess as my boyfriend is, though. My boyfriend also mentioned to me once in passing that she goes to him with advice about everything. Made it seem like his mom was/is heavily emotionally reliant on him. Very strange indeed... haha. Edited June 30, 2015 by esstea Link to post Share on other sites
Fleur de cactus Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 Sorry please don't think I am against you. I want to tell you that sometimes it goes with cultures. I have a son too . he lives in another country. we come from a collective society and we are family oriented. Most of big decisions I make I talk to him and ask what he thinks. Also, even if he does not tell me everything or ask me for advice, he likes to share with me what is going on, especially when there is changes or transitions. Sometimes he may just tell me something and then adds " i just want you to know what is going on." We do this because we know that any new idea is good, not because we cannot live without each other but because that is how we see communication in the family, and this is important for us. If you are from a different culture, sometimes it is necessary to renegotiate your identities and accept some of his values and he should do the same. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 You know, his mother is not going to be around forever. Also, let me ask you a question: Are you perfect? Link to post Share on other sites
changeofseasons Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 I feel like those moms have the potential to be monster mom-in-law. Run while you can! It's sweet if a guy is close to his mom, i assume it means that they grew up respecting women. But this sounds like an extreme case, im hoping that she doesnt butt into your guys' relationship because if hes telling her everything she could try and weasel her way into your relationship. Some things, if not most, need to be kept between the both of you. Link to post Share on other sites
mapofyourhead Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 Oh god, yes. I had a boyfriend that called his mother everyday, and had to check with her about almost everything. The most extreme example I can think of is when he had to call and ask her if he could charge 99 cents on his credit card. 99 CENTS!! In our daily lives, it wasn't a big deal, but I knew it would've been a problem if we'd ever gotten married. It would've felt like his mother was a part of the relationship due to the amount of influence she had over him. I remember him discussing our relationship problems with his mother (and his father as well) just prior to our break up, which was fine, except he mentioned I disapproved of how dependent he was on them. That made them dislike me; I felt like that was something he should've kept between us. When we briefly discussed getting back together, and I asked if he would still marry me if his mother or father disapproved, he said he would not. I'm sorry I can't give any advice since it ended up being one of the reasons I broke up with that particular boyfriend, but I would consider whether you're okay with the type of relationship he has with his mother. I'm not sure it's something you can affect. Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 Yup, married one. We're separated now. Not cool when your MIL makes your house an extension of hers. Link to post Share on other sites
eve_k Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 (edited) Did you ever bring it their attention? How did they act and what did you do about it? Kind of worried my boyfriend is a bit of a mommy's boy. He talks to his mother about almost EVERYTHING, like I'm almost sharing a relationship between both of them. While I understand it's completely ok for them to be close, I just find it a bit odd that let's say (for example) whenever something happens (minor or major), he'll be telling me, and then two seconds later he'd be calling his mother about it. Every, single, time. She knows probably everything that goes on in his life as it happens and also between both of us (in his defence she does live in a different country, but still it's kind of extensive from my point of view.) Maybe I'm just being crazy though, but has anyone ever dated a man extremely close to his mother in this way, almost to the point where it's a tad over bearing? That sounds a bit over the top. I cannot say I have dated such a man, as I am not drawn to the type. I don't have much of a family so I like when my bf has good relationship with his family, but I would be put off if his mother knew as much about him as I did, and most of my bf's mothers would have a heart attack quite soon if he shared too much, lol I would be careful if I were you, but also if he is a good bf otherwise, well, he has a questionable relationships with his mum, let it slide... Or maybe it only seems that way to you, since you are not as close to your family. I think fleur lady has a point, if it's not pathological, I don't think it makes him a mama's boy... If his mother is respectful of him and is not trying to run him over, etc... Think of it this way he has a close friend he cannot possible have sex with, yay Mama's boy has an unnatural relationship with his mother in which they act like sexless couple and he disregards his partner to please his mum, that doesn't sound like you bf at all.. Why don't you try and befriend his mum as well, like I said she is his friend as well as a mum, so she should be your friend as well... If you will try with anyone, his mum, if they are close is the person to go with...Why not try she might nit be some monster after all... Edited June 30, 2015 by eve_k 1 Link to post Share on other sites
eve_k Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 God that is extremely worrying. My boyfriend and I get into arguments sometimes too and I feel as if he always goes to her to cool off about it. She ends up reasoning with him and then comes back to me calmer. Which in a way is good, but is obviously a ****ing odd dynamic. I even tried bringing this up, but I think I may have worded it wrong with him because he got extremely defensive and said he doesn't tell everything to his mom. I don't think he realizes how emotionally dependant he is on her that it's become slightly worrying to his SO (aka, me). I think there is nothing wrong in what he does. He has a good relationship with his mother, and she is there for him when he has some problem. She obviously is a good friend as she brings him back better and calmer, and is not trying to sabotage his life... I think you have nothing to worry about... I knew a girl that had such a relationship with her dad and it was good for her and it only made her a better gf not worse... Your bf should have friends in his life that are not you, that's a healthy way to be in a relationship, why does it matter that one of his friends happens to have given birth to him? You should try and befriend his mum yourself. Again, if his mother is not trying to come between you or sabotage him, why would it be weird that they are closer than most people... He found a friend in his mum, well good on them both and you... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 Definitely over the top IMO. I fully appreciate the value of strong family ties, and I support and encourage a man to maintain a healthy, good relationship with his parents. Calling mommy 2 seconds after anything happens and not keeping anything about your R private is NOT my definition of a 'healthy' relationship with his parents. Closer does not equate to a better relationship - some space and independence is necessary IMO. My SO and I both talk to our parents regularly, but what happens in our R stays in our R. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Krieger Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 Norman Bates Link to post Share on other sites
Author esstea Posted June 30, 2015 Author Share Posted June 30, 2015 Thanks for all the advice! I'm quite torn about how I feel about it to be honest. I mean she's a fantastic woman for raising a great guy - probably the best I've ever met! I just can't seem to shake how oddly close they are, compared to every other guy I've dated/known. I suppose I'll let it go as of late, but definitely if things persist on an even more annoying level I'll say something. How does one go about wording this though? I feel like I'd have to craft my words carefully as any slight offence towards his mother will make him utterly defensive. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 Mama's boys are just that: boys. They're not ready for a marriage partnership. Now, there's nothing wrong with being close to your mom, but you shouldn't still be tied to her apron strings and sharing details of your private life with her because that gives her the license to meddle. First loyalty should always be to a spouse, and mama's boys can never do that and man up. It's abnormal not to distance yourself and leave the nest by the time you're in late teens or early 20s, so don't let him tell you it's normal. He has missed an essential stage of maturity because he has not separated from his mother. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
eve_k Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 (edited) any slight offence towards his mother will make him utterly defensive. Now that's something I'd find strange. My bf has a very close relationship with his mum, but he can see her shortcomings. In fact he criticizes her quite a healthy dose, which is nice coz then i get to defend her. Darling, it is hard for us to know what is the extend of your bf's relationship with his mum, but if you can see unhealthy stuff just tell him... Let me give you an example, my bf was very young when we met, he was 20, and he was still holding on to his teenage sneaky ways... He never came out to his mother as bisexual. I was 33, and as much as I understood the holding on to teenage ways, I knew he will, sooner or later, need to approach his relationship with her from a position of an equal adult. For his own sake. It's good for us as we grow older, to transition with our parents, from us being teens and them adults,into a more equal relationships. So, I said something. I said you are underestimating your mother and how muhc she loves you, tell her she will get over it. My mum in law is very Christian, 'JEZUZ no like bisexual getting jiggy', lol Or so my mum in law believes. My bf is 23 three now, and has let go of his teenage sneaky ways and is more open with his mother and of course she accepted it. He will say, only coz she had to, but no, she accepted it coz she loves her son very much... So, there is always ways to tell each other stuff, we notice... You don't have to formulate it as an attack, so hopefully he won't get defensive... I would find my bf's inability to see any fault in his mum troublesome, but I love the fact they are close, as she is one of his rare friends he cannot possible develop feelings for - of wanting to have sex with, him being bisexual. So, bring it up, but with an open mind, coz, again, why wouldn't one of his best friends be his mum... No reason. Especially since you agree she is a good friend. Look we as people get defensive, if attacked, so don't attack, communicate... Also I don't think I fully left the nest in my head before I was 25...So really a man of 20 avoiding to face his Christian mother with his being half gay,lol, I was not worried, and neither should you be. I gathered you are both in your 20s still... Edited June 30, 2015 by eve_k Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 Did you ever bring it their attention? How did they act and what did you do about it? Kind of worried my boyfriend is a bit of a mommy's boy. He talks to his mother about almost EVERYTHING, like I'm almost sharing a relationship between both of them. While I understand it's completely ok for them to be close, I just find it a bit odd that let's say (for example) whenever something happens (minor or major), he'll be telling me, and then two seconds later he'd be calling his mother about it. Every, single, time. She knows probably everything that goes on in his life as it happens and also between both of us (in his defence she does live in a different country, but still it's kind of extensive from my point of view.) Maybe I'm just being crazy though, but has anyone ever dated a man extremely close to his mother in this way, almost to the point where it's a tad over bearing? Yes, I dated a Momma's Boy and it didn't end well. As long as you accept that he'll put his mother's needs before yours, your opinion comes in second to his mother's, and you have (in his warped mind) no right to question his authority on any matter, then good luck to you. I wouldn't doubt that his mom knows all the intimate workings of his relationship with you. He probably goes straight to her for advice before he comes to you. If you don't want to share him with his mom, time to break up. But, Momma's Boys never change. Link to post Share on other sites
eve_k Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 Also, always keep in mind that close knit families can be wonderful to marry into....Yes, they come with their own sets of challenges, (we don't like our dad in law, he was mean to my bf always=), but we love our mum, and I do what I can to get on her good side, same as I would try with any of his friends. Nothing wrong with that. Link to post Share on other sites
fitnessfan365 Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 It's perfectly fine to be close with you mom. But you also have to be your own man and make your own decisions. It's funny because my mom HATES my lifestyle. Even though I'm successful she tells me constantly I should get a regular job with more security because clients come and go, etc.. But, I'm the only one in my family that's truly happy and stress free. Also, when it comes to romance my mom will NEVER influence me at all. Like when guys break up with women their mom's don't like, or that tell their mom's every single thing that goes on, etc.. Link to post Share on other sites
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