11 Months of Crazy?!?

[scooby-philly]

Hey,

 

I need some outside perspectives. I know it may sound one-sided so I'll try and present both sides.

 

My GF and I just returned from a huge trip abroad. 7k worth of flights, hotels, expenses, etc. I took her home to the country she's from. We hopped around a few cities, met up with hs, college, work friends and of course her family. This was my first time meeting all these people.

 

We've been dating for a year and things have been crazy from the start. She was totally possessive and wacky early on (see my other posts). I never used FB messenger before but two weeks in she was getting mad that i wasn't answering her during the day - yet she's the type of person that does what they want when they want to.

 

On this trip we took a return 12 hour layover in Paris. She has a cousin there who was able to pick us up from the airport and tour us around. It so happened to be my birthday. The whole trip I said was for her. I don't mind spending the money. I don't mind spending the time. But, she didn't bother to ask if I wanted to do something in Paris on the way home before we left. Basically - I cater to what she wants. I've only asked her 3 times to do something I wanted in our dating - once she said no (hiking) once she went and complained it was too expensive (dinner at a blues place then dancing) and once she said no as well. So I stopped asking her to do what I want. So we did just the normal tourist crap in paris - nice enough. I even bought her earrings for our anniversary at one of our other stops - and you know what she got me for my birthday - the first one that's passed since we've been together - nothing - not even a card.

 

No she'll claim that I said no to her bying me a gift in Paris - but that's not exactly a gift. She didn't even bother to sleep next to me when we got home (i'm over her place a lot). And now she thinks I don't have a right to be upset and that I'm being selfish? Did I miss something? I know it's hard to judge since you don't see our day in and day out lives, but from the basic gist - I take you half way around the world (she's poor and hasn't had a job since the beginning of march) (she's 40k in debt from just getting an associate's degree) I don't ask her to cook, to clean, I helped her move after knowing her only a few weeks, I've taken her other places, and now I'm selfish and insincere for being upset that I got nothing on my birthday - not a card, nothing?

 

Anyway - I'll try and write more as people respond - right now I'm too angry and too upset

[Redhead14]

Hey,

 

I need some outside perspectives. I know it may sound one-sided so I'll try and present both sides.

 

My GF and I just returned from a huge trip abroad. 7k worth of flights, hotels, expenses, etc. I took her home to the country she's from. We hopped around a few cities, met up with hs, college, work friends and of course her family. This was my first time meeting all these people.

 

We've been dating for a year and things have been crazy from the start. She was totally possessive and wacky early on (see my other posts). I never used FB messenger before but two weeks in she was getting mad that i wasn't answering her during the day - yet she's the type of person that does what they want when they want to.

 

On this trip we took a return 12 hour layover in Paris. She has a cousin there who was able to pick us up from the airport and tour us around. It so happened to be my birthday. The whole trip I said was for her. I don't mind spending the money. I don't mind spending the time. But, she didn't bother to ask if I wanted to do something in Paris on the way home before we left. Basically - I cater to what she wants. I've only asked her 3 times to do something I wanted in our dating - once she said no (hiking) once she went and complained it was too expensive (dinner at a blues place then dancing) and once she said no as well. So I stopped asking her to do what I want. So we did just the normal tourist crap in paris - nice enough. I even bought her earrings for our anniversary at one of our other stops - and you know what she got me for my birthday - the first one that's passed since we've been together - nothing - not even a card.

 

No she'll claim that I said no to her bying me a gift in Paris - but that's not exactly a gift. She didn't even bother to sleep next to me when we got home (i'm over her place a lot). And now she thinks I don't have a right to be upset and that I'm being selfish? Did I miss something? I know it's hard to judge since you don't see our day in and day out lives, but from the basic gist - I take you half way around the world (she's poor and hasn't had a job since the beginning of march) (she's 40k in debt from just getting an associate's degree) I don't ask her to cook, to clean, I helped her move after knowing her only a few weeks, I've taken her other places, and now I'm selfish and insincere for being upset that I got nothing on my birthday - not a card, nothing?

 

Anyway - I'll try and write more as people respond - right now I'm too angry and too upset

 

You are doing entirely too much work in this relationship Period. And, you are exhausted. It should be balanced. You are allowing yourself to be used. I would step back some and start evaluating what it is she brings to the relationship, if anything, and whether they meet YOUR needs.

 

What do you need in a relationship for yourself? Once those things are clarified in your head, then you can start evaluating.

 

It appears that you two are not on the same page at all. There's no relationship if you aren't even close to being on the same page.

 

If you don't want to break up with her, you at least need to establish your boundaries, communicate your needs and stick to them. Also, you are not asking for anything from her either. She needs to contribute to the relationship. She's not. You shouldn't even have to ask her.

 

It's time to have a clear, non-confrontational conversation with her. Tell her what you need from her and then observe whether she starts making the attempt to meet those needs.

 

Frankly, from what you've written, she's a selfish, controlling shrew. I can see why it hasn't been very much fun for you.

[Jessie1231]

I just read your thread from December, and based off that and this one why are you with this person?

 

She acts like a spoiled little brat, but you are definitely enabling that behavior. Why haven't you just ended it? Yes, you have a right to be mad at her but more than that you shouldn't have taken her on this trip anyway with the way she's always acted.

 

How old is this woman? I was guessing very young and immature, but I saw she's been married three times with three kids so I'm guessing not too young. She's just this way, so stop being her doormat.

[Fleur de cactus]

Sorry , i think you have reasons to be disappointed. Was this your first birthday together? Sometimes when people receive too much from a partner, they take it is granted and feel so special that they don't even bother to give anything back. I think you are doing to much for her. Not sure how she sees this. Maybe she may think you are buying her love.

 

what you have to do is to tell her how you feel. Maybe where she is from birthday cards do not mean anything. Or she does not care really and does not appreciate what you do, she may using you and think you are naive and will continue taking things from you. Slow down what you are doing for her. She is inconsiderate, but if you are serious about this relationship, you have to have a one on one talk and see is she is willing to have a good relationship, and stop being a taker and never appreciate or giving back. When you give too much some times people think you don't need anything, even when it is about love.

[scooby-philly]

@ Fleur de Cactus,

 

You are right - I was raised in a way and have had experiences that taught me to always work hard, to keep a clean home, to value fewer friendships, fewer experiences, and to be reasonable with my money. Not to say that I don't have fun - but I can make it on my own - I read books, I play a couple of video games over and over, and that's about it besides keeping up with some good friends and my family.

 

I need communication, a sense that we're in the same boat together, and a sense that she values me and my contributions, my intellect, my experience, etc. I don't need lots of attention, I don't want someone who is out all the time and who doesn't have somewhat of a career.

 

She divorced her ex 4+ years ago after he brought her to the US and they had 2 kids here because he cheated on her and she also wanted to go back to school. (She had close to a BA back home). 4 years later she just completed her associates - and got 40K in debt doing so (plus 14K she still owes on her car since there charging her like 27% APR)

 

I don't try and control her - I don't ask her to cook for me a lot, I cook for her and always ask what she wants for dinner - if I repeat certain things then she can tell me and I'd be happy to cook what she wanted.

 

She's been living for 9+ months next door to a friend in a twin home - her landlord had put in a roomate 1 to 2 months before she moved - he was supposed to clean the place up and she could either rent the whole house for 1k a month or have another roommate and pay 500. He was a deadbeat, white trash, ex-con and barely anything was done. She went 5-6 months just paying 500, then right as we started talking about me moving in, the landlord put his deadbeat, jobless brother-in-law in to "fix the place up" - he's a nice guy but 2+ months later, again almost nothing has been done. She's told the landlord I could move in September if the place was ready - nothing than a yes at this point.

 

i've added her to my car insurance to help save her 50% or more a month. I went to 7-8 different banks to see about dropping her car loan - nothing worked because her credit was shot. I was going to try a few credit unions where I live to see - her credit has improved and she's been paying her bills. However, after the first round when nothing worked she complained I wasn't doing enough. I mean - really?

 

 

 

@Jessie 1231

You're right - there have been several times - two weeks in, after our first trip last year, christmas, two weeks before our trip that I though about ending it. For example, just before we left my oldest brother's daughter graduated from HS. I told her a few days before that I was going to go to the ceremony. She flipped and threatened to end it if I did. Why? Who knows? She said it was because I didn't tell her - but I didn't tell her until a few days before because until a few days before I didn't think I was going - I had cleared most of my weekends to help her run her side business - since we weren't doing anything that day I thought I could go. I mean, it's not like I was out boozing with the boys. Plus, her younger brother is severely handicapped (mentally) and won't ever lead a normal life and my other brother is out half way across the country from me, so it's not like there's a lot of chances for me to see that kind of stuff. I told a few people at work this, and they all said the same thing - she's crazy to have done that.

 

She's 39 now. I just turned 34. I spent 6 years after college as a missionary and teacher. I left and had to move back in with my parents. I managed to work and pay for myself and start saving money and then got a "real" job after two years and started working my way up. I lived with an ex-fiance for close to two years, but we broke it off so I had to move back in with my folks - (it was her condo). That was two years ago in July. At this point, I don't want to rent because that's just throwing money away and I believe in having a home, but she lost 11k+ of my money on her side business - which I didn't think could happen - and now I'll be stuck with my folks (who are happy to have me) for another 18-24 months to recoup that money. I mean I could have had 40-45K saved by the end of this year. Instead, I'll probably have 19k saved now after that loss, the trip, other things.

 

 

@Fleud de catcus (2nd post)

She got me a card for Valentine's day and Christmas - so it's not like she's ignorant of card giving. And it's not just the card - it's the fact that I got nothing, the fact that on the flight home she took all the pillows and didn't even bother to ask if I wanted one - it's the culmination of close to a year of me giving everything, communicating everything, planning everything - only to have her offer pitiful examples of what she does for me when I hit the wall, and her saying I'm a money whore when the issue comes up. I firmly believe that she is a taker - that she doesn't realize that she's probably just taken from people all her life and that at 39 with 50k+ in debt, 2 more years of school to get a BA, and no job right now - she's has to realize that she just can't take. I mean she struggled in March, April and May w/o a job to complete work on time for 1 class she was taking to finish up her associate's. If she takes 3,4,5 classes a semester now that she's out of community college and in a real university in a tough degree program, how can she do it? I mean she doesn't have her kids - just every other weekend so it's not like her plate is full. Also, when she was let go at the end of February she claimed she could at least pay her bills through the side business, which was a lie - and since child support will take 50% of what she makes anyway, even if she got a job working 40 hrs a week at the same pay she was making before, she couldn't afford all of her bills anyway.

 

 

 

Thanks for listening all.

[katiegrl]

Hey,

 

I need some outside perspectives. I know it may sound one-sided so I'll try and present both sides.

 

My GF and I just returned from a huge trip abroad. 7k worth of flights, hotels, expenses, etc. I took her home to the country she's from. We hopped around a few cities, met up with hs, college, work friends and of course her family. This was my first time meeting all these people.

 

We've been dating for a year and things have been crazy from the start. She was totally possessive and wacky early on (see my other posts). I never used FB messenger before but two weeks in she was getting mad that i wasn't answering her during the day - yet she's the type of person that does what they want when they want to.

 

On this trip we took a return 12 hour layover in Paris. She has a cousin there who was able to pick us up from the airport and tour us around. It so happened to be my birthday. The whole trip I said was for her. I don't mind spending the money. I don't mind spending the time. But, she didn't bother to ask if I wanted to do something in Paris on the way home before we left. Basically - I cater to what she wants. I've only asked her 3 times to do something I wanted in our dating - once she said no (hiking) once she went and complained it was too expensive (dinner at a blues place then dancing) and once she said no as well. So I stopped asking her to do what I want. So we did just the normal tourist crap in paris - nice enough. I even bought her earrings for our anniversary at one of our other stops - and you know what she got me for my birthday - the first one that's passed since we've been together - nothing - not even a card.

 

No she'll claim that I said no to her bying me a gift in Paris - but that's not exactly a gift. She didn't even bother to sleep next to me when we got home (i'm over her place a lot). And now she thinks I don't have a right to be upset and that I'm being selfish? Did I miss something? I know it's hard to judge since you don't see our day in and day out lives, but from the basic gist - I take you half way around the world (she's poor and hasn't had a job since the beginning of march) (she's 40k in debt from just getting an associate's degree) I don't ask her to cook, to clean, I helped her move after knowing her only a few weeks, I've taken her other places, and now I'm selfish and insincere for being upset that I got nothing on my birthday - not a card, nothing?

 

Anyway - I'll try and write more as people respond - right now I'm too angry and too upset

 

If she and your relationship are so crazy, and have been for 11 months, why on earth are you still there?

 

That's on you.

 

Nevermind trying to figure out HER behavior.... focus on your own behavior and motivations, specifically what would motivate you to stay in such a toxic and unstabe relationship for 11 months?

 

Your choosing to stay is just as dysfunctional as her being *crazy* IMO....

Edited June 30, 2015 by katiegrl

[scooby-philly]

@katiegrl

 

Yes - I am too blame for a certain part of it. I guess I've stayed because I was hoping that things would even out at some point and that she would prove to be stable, reliable, and consistent. And that's not been the case at all. Part of my life has always been helping others, so I guess that combined with my fear that I'll end up alone has lead me to be afraid that I won't find anyone for the long haul - though I'm really okay by myself when it comes down to it. FUnny too, just before I met her last year, I had gone out on 12 or more dates with someone - we had gotten physical, but she either had some family/personal drama going on she didn't want to share, something with her ex came up, or I was simply a rebound, so I was firm and left that one easily. Why I didn't leave this one - I don't know.

[Redhead14]

@katiegrl

 

Yes - I am too blame for a certain part of it. I guess I've stayed because I was hoping that things would even out at some point and that she would prove to be stable, reliable, and consistent. And that's not been the case at all. Part of my life has always been helping others, so I guess that combined with my fear that I'll end up alone has lead me to be afraid that I won't find anyone for the long haul - though I'm really okay by myself when it comes down to it. FUnny too, just before I met her last year, I had gone out on 12 or more dates with someone - we had gotten physical, but she either had some family/personal drama going on she didn't want to share, something with her ex came up, or I was simply a rebound, so I was firm and left that one easily. Why I didn't leave this one - I don't know.

 

Sometimes people who are in long-term relationships simply become complacent especially when it's been difficult. They start operating on auto-pilot and not focusing on whether their needs are being met in the relationship UNTIL the reality comes to a head by some kind of trigger, and it could be a very subtle trigger.

 

Nevertheless, the bottomline here is that you're needs aren't being met, she doesn't want to even try to do that and so it's time to move on. Leave the relationship "gracefully" and with dignity so that you don't carry over more animosity or negativity going forward into your life or other possible relationship scenarios.

[katiegrl]

@katiegrl

 

Yes - I am too blame for a certain part of it. I guess I've stayed because I was hoping that things would even out at some point and that she would prove to be stable, reliable, and consistent. And that's not been the case at all. Part of my life has always been helping others, so I guess that combined with my fear that I'll end up alone has lead me to be afraid that I won't find anyone for the long haul - though I'm really okay by myself when it comes down to it. FUnny too, just before I met her last year, I had gone out on 12 or more dates with someone - we had gotten physical, but she either had some family/personal drama going on she didn't want to share, something with her ex came up, or I was simply a rebound, so I was firm and left that one easily. Why I didn't leave this one - I don't know.

 

My advice? Stop being a *saviour* you cannot help these toxic chicks....and they will ultimately bring YOU down right along with them....

[clia]

You are acting like a complete doormat. It's amazing...you've been questioning this relationship from day one and yet here you are, almost a year later. Still with her. Putting up with the crazy. And rewarding her by taking her on an all expenses paid trip! What a deal! And to make matters worse, you've put her on your car insurance, gone out of your way trying to help her, given her $11,000 to fritter away (!!!!)....and this woman can't even get you a birthday gift? You acknowledge she's a taker (and oh, is she ever!)...and you want to move in with her in September?

 

I don't understand. In my opinion, you should run away from this woman as fast as you can. Why are you still with her? Is she that hot?

[katiegrl]

You are acting like a complete doormat. It's amazing...you've been questioning this relationship from day one and yet here you are, almost a year later. Still with her. Putting up with the crazy. And rewarding her by taking her on an all expenses paid trip! What a deal! And to make matters worse, you've put her on your car insurance, gone out of your way trying to help her, given her $11,000 to fritter away (!!!!)....and this woman can't even get you a birthday gift? You acknowledge she's a taker (and oh, is she ever!)...and you want to move in with her in September?

 

I don't understand. In my opinion, you should run away from this woman as fast as you can. Why are you still with her? Is she that hot?

 

I only have the ability to "like" one post at a time, but if I could "like" a post more than once...I would give you like 100 "likes" for this post!!

 

My sentiments exactly. Boggles the mind.

[Fleur de cactus]

Scooby,

 

Sorry, you must be very exhausted by the whole situation. I do not know how old you are but, there is always a chance to meet someone who will respect you and act like a normal human being. I am glad you know that she is a taker. Whatever you pursuit in her is not good since you are here, and you have been here before, it is a sign that it will never work with her. You know sometimes prayers are not enough, we have to take some decisions.

 

Love does not entails sex or spending time together, Love is a complementary. You get what you miss from your partner and you complete the other harmoniously. However for you two, I think you are completing her but you bucket is half full. Even if she tells you that she love you, her actions say otherwise. Love is not to look at each other in the eye. "Love is to look in the same direction (St. Exupery)." I dont see that you relationship is heading you to the same direction. YOu are trying hard to satisfy her but she does not do anything to complete you. Scooby, I am very sorry about your situation, but she is using you. she is greedy.

 

By the way, Is it any reason she does not live with her children? A mother to get to see her kids every other weekend? what is up with this?

[aisuru]

What are you getting out of this relationship?

[scooby-philly]

@Redhead 14,

 

I don't think it's a matter of complacent - unless you meant on my part. I know I wasn't really given a lot of guidance as a kid and I also wasn't given a lot of support to understand what I was good at, where I could go, or what I could do so I shut inside of myself in order to protect my ego.

 

And I agree - from both my previous engagement and my childhood I know I'm very afraid of abandonment. My ex split with me days before our wedding over something that, though certainly was bad, was not characteristic of who I am. As a child, my parents (and grandmother who i grew up with) didn't know how to discuss things or handle their own emotions without resulting to threats of leaving each other (and me). i'm hyper sensitive to being judged a loser and more - even though I'm pretty much fine on mine own.

 

@Katiegirl

I agree - it's not really a "savior" - it's more of I don't want to be judged as not being a "nice guy" - which means I let things go until I get to a point where I can stand things any more. I don't require a lot - and maybe in my own way I am controlling - at least in how I feel about what others do.. but my family - that's really accepting and never really says bad things about anybody - early on said she doesn't seem to show any real love for me.

 

@ clia

You are right - when we argue she says things that make me stop and think - wait a second - I'm not your parent, I'm not responsible for x,y, or z. If I go to 8 banks to help you try and get a lower car payment that's better than most partners would do in a year or less.

 

@Fleu - I just turned 34 the other day. I was in the seminary till I was 28, so I didn't really begin dating till 28/29 - met my ex at 30 - we split just after i turned 32 - I went a year before this one...I don't want to be an old dad.....but I may not have the opportunity to have kids - I can live with that.

 

I'm a pretty simple guy - like coming home after work (and I work hard and sometimes put in extra hours) to eat, read a book or newspaper. Don't like going out too often M-Thurs. I'm okay with one trip a year to somewhere new. Wouldn't mind having a mountain/lake cabin one day. I guess I'm afraid people will think less of me for ending it - though as I said my family has expressly said she's wrong and I got the sense from her family/friends that they love her, but know she's crazy too...

 

@aisuru - that's the basic question isn't it

[scooby-philly]

Yes - that's exactly it - it's been draining. I can't work yesterday or today. And again - she'll yell it's all small stuff - but considering all her baggageand her past and the obstacles she's facing in the future, you think she would understand that places even more importance on the small stuff. It's one thing to say "honey - i'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday". or even "i'm sorry i didn't get you anything - we we're traveling and i didn't know what to get you before we left". But it's like - really - you get me nothing and your apology is "i'm sorry - you said you didn't want anything" and then all the bull**** about everything.

 

I mean - I don't ask her for a lot - we take turns cooking - we clean her place together and try and make it better. But there's always something.

 

I don't even care about losing the money in one sense - i learned a lot and have gotten the opportunity to trust my gut in the process. I do care that she lied about being able to support herself cause it's always excuses with her when she ****s up or when I get angry.

 

Anyway - I am moving on. I was going to pick up my stuff today, but I can't do it. I'll wait till Friday - office is closed - I just need some stuff that's still at her place - will be a crappy fourth of july weekend - but oh well.

 

And I don't have nay ill will towards her - I hope it all works out. But to tell the truth to random people online - my mom was a liar who stole money from people - bosses, family, neighbors, hit my grandmother, got my father 20k in debt, told lies about him and my grandmother (neither are saints) and my dad didn't divorce her - tried to help her. That's fine. I respect him for that - that's the choice he made - but it ate up his will to really succeed at work (he was good but he could have been awesome, and it ate up his attention on us. I don't not want to be with someone with such problems - that's my choice. I'm not thinking I'll become a CEO one day, but I want to be able to be happy and to have the energy and determination to help people - and not just get sucked into one person's blackhole.

[Fleur de cactus]

I am so happy for you, you are making the right decision i am sure. Better to take a break from dating and focus on yourself and your mission. You are young you will find a good woman. YOu sound a very good person, it is sad that she was taking advantage on your kindness. Next time please don't be attached to someone who needs you materially. I know in a good relationship we have to help each other but in your case, she used you. SOrry you will have a bad holiday but sometimes it necessary to take some decisions and move on. Good luck.

[scooby-philly]

I am so happy for you, you are making the right decision i am sure. Better to take a break from dating and focus on yourself and your mission. You are young you will find a good woman. YOu sound a very good person, it is sad that she was taking advantage on your kindness. Next time please don't be attached to someone who needs you materially. I know in a good relationship we have to help each other but in your case, she used you. Sorry you will have a bad holiday but sometimes it necessary to take some decisions and move on. Good luck.

 

 

@ Fleur de Cactus

 

thanks. I broke it off. I removed her card, I canceled her car insurance, i unfriended her family and friends on fb, I got a new cell phone number (won't change my office unless i have to - I mean she does know where I live and work). i've told her to drop my stuff at her ex's house tomorrow when she drops her kids back off. I'll pick them up on Saturday. If she refuses or renigs, there's certian things I can do to really hurt her - don't want to do them, but I will.

 

 

I should have seen it 2 weeks in, 2 months in. I'm a home oriented person - I love to travel, I love to explore, I love to do things - but I'm also about being comfortable, having a clean place, building memories in a spot - and it certainly wasn't in her arsenal.

 

Talked to her ex- husband (well, the one of three here in the US) finally yesterday - boy the stuff he said! Even if only half of it was true - I'm glad I'm getting out. I will be lonely and question for a long while. But Jesus Christ - I am not a saviour to someone's earlier point and I can't build a stable life with someone who really can't do it when it comes down to it.

 

Thanks to everyone for the advice.

[Jessie1231]

@ Fleur de Cactus

 

thanks. I broke it off. I removed her card, I canceled her car insurance, i unfriended her family and friends on fb, I got a new cell phone number (won't change my office unless i have to - I mean she does know where I live and work). i've told her to drop my stuff at her ex's house tomorrow when she drops her kids back off. I'll pick them up on Saturday. If she refuses or renigs, there's certian things I can do to really hurt her - don't want to do them, but I will.

 

 

I should have seen it 2 weeks in, 2 months in. I'm a home oriented person - I love to travel, I love to explore, I love to do things - but I'm also about being comfortable, having a clean place, building memories in a spot - and it certainly wasn't in her arsenal.

 

Talked to her ex- husband (well, the one of three here in the US) finally yesterday - boy the stuff he said! Even if only half of it was true - I'm glad I'm getting out. I will be lonely and question for a long while. But Jesus Christ - I am not a saviour to someone's earlier point and I can't build a stable life with someone who really can't do it when it comes down to it.

 

Thanks to everyone for the advice.

 

Good for you! Keep us updated. She sounds the type who may lose it a little once she's no longer getting her way. Good luck!

[scooby-philly]

@ Jessie1231

 

Yes - it's been tough the last few days - just mopping around. I know that's part of the healing process - letting it sink in, realizing that the future will not include her, and of course, feeling bad that it didn't work out and that I was not strong enough to do everything needed - but relationships are two way streets - I need to remind myself I did the best I could and in 11 months gave her more than most guys give in 3-5 years. That's not to pat myself on the back - there are certainly things I need to improve upon and that I want to change about myself.

 

That said, I agree with @Fleur - I was focusing on myself for a year before I met her - I should have seen the signs - not only with her - but with me. I need to be able to look at things more detached early on in a relationship - understanding if we're really compatible concerning how we spend our time, our money, what are values and modes are when it comes to stuff like spending, kids, etc. I grew up without a lot of support - my parents were there physically, but didn't really share any emotional support so I kept a lot of things inside - of course now, it comes off to other people who do that or to people like her who don't ever see themselves as doing anything wrong as either whiny or needy - but the truth is we all need love and support. I just need to do what I want to do (in a healthy way) and realize that things will get better, I will eventually find someone, and that life isn't perfect and I will have to accept certain things I cannot change, and change what I can - and in this case I couldn't change her self-centered ways, her treating her friends better than she treated me, her lack of understanding, and her apparent craziness, so I need to change my commitment.

[scooby-philly]

Well,

 

After going back and forth for two+ weeks it's over. She doesn't really make me happy and despite all her claims, I don't think she has a real intent to change and to try and make things a partnership.

 

Things are not always 50/50. A person may do 70% of the cleaning, whereas the other person does 60% of the wash. Sometimes one person likes to cook and is happy to do it the majority of the time. One person may make more money than the other. What matters is the over all balance and - the ability to communicate expectations and negotiate and she didn't like to communicate and it wasn't balanced from my perspective. And all though it's easy to get a one sided view, my family - who are pretty down to earth never stopped pointing out her selfishness and her lack of real affection towards me and her friends definitely didn't come at me like I was doing anything wrong.

 

Time to move on. I know a part of me will spend the next few weeks asking - what if this and what if that. But I can't get stuck there. Relationships are built together.

[scooby-philly]

Please - keep responding - could use the support.

 

I know it's hard to provide complete, accurate advice on a forum. Things are one sided. I tried to present my concerns as straight forward as I could, and I've posted several times about the relationship. I know some of it is my fault - it's hard for me to open up, I can have a short fuse and be condescending at times, and while I want affection and appreciation, it's not always easy for me to accept it. I know I need to change. This time i'll make it more of a point to work on myself. I thought I was doing better, but I think the nature of this relationship and who she is really dragged me back down.

 

Anyway - trying to move on. Trying to follow the No Contact Rule posted on here. I know that it's not good to imagine what if, could this, mabye...it doesn't help the process of moving forward, etc. It just hurts - I tried really hard to make her happy, to do things for her, etc.

[empresario]

It's understandable, you have to rant. I'd do the same.

 

 

But consider this. You know she's selfish. You know your interests don't align. To be honest, it almost seems like you're a sugar daddy more than a boyfriend.

 

 

Stop letting her walk on you. Break up. I don't give that advice often. But I know enough about abusive, controlling relationships to know it will happen eventually. And I give it a 75% chance that if you let this play out she will be the one that ends it once she's bored or you stand up to her.

 

 

She already took your time and resources, don't let her have your pride, too.

[empresario]

Oh, just read more. Sounds like you already ended it. Proud of you. A lot of people can't seem to do it...like they think they'll never find anyone ever again.

 

 

You may have your man card back now .

[scooby-philly]

@empresario

 

Lol. Yes - I have my man card back. I have no shame or problem admitting that I am an emotional guy - it's who I am. I need to feel affection, warmth, etc. I'm not cut from the "cool" or "tough" guy mold.

 

I agree - back in December or January we fought and I asked for 2-3 days of separation - it's not like we're married or living together. She couldn't even respect me enough for that - she goes crazy and then goes right into the tears and "what about me". I mean - a guy asking for space when you're fighting is reasonable.

 

Then, just two weeks before we left for our trip she threatened to end it because I wanted to go to my oldest niece's graduation. That niece's younger brother is severly autistic, so it's not a question of ever seeing him marry, graduate, etc. My other brother has 3 kids but lives half way across the country from me, so I won't see a lot of their stuff. I forced her hand and she relented. And then she claimed afterwards she was upset because I didn't tell her till 4-5 days before. Seriously? I had not responded yes and told her 2-3 months prior cause I was keeping weekends open to help her run her side business. We ended up not doing anything that weekend or the previous weekend business related, so the weekend before she said yes to some of her snowboarding buddies to go camping and take her kids. Well - I didn't have a problem with that last minute decision. I went up after the graduation party that weekend - 4 hour drive - only to have to drive 3 hours home since her friends were loud and drinking and pissed off the park rangers, and she got booted from the park since they were at her spot.

 

Yes - my heart and my head are in conflict. My heart just wants to be loved and let's things slide, but my head won out on this one.

[empresario]

The most important thing now is to learn from it. Use it as a template as what NOT to value in your next girlfriend. And trust me, you will have more. If you have the right attitude you can find exactly who you want in life. And you will be happy because she will value you as well. Kind of an exciting thought, right?