Shes reserved

[unforgotten]

We are daring for two weeks now and she says she cares for me and likes me but she does not want a relationship now. Shes been out of one and has been single for a while and does not think she is ready for a new one neither does not want one now. She wants to keep dating, having fun and she wants to be exclusive with me. Shes been very honest with all of this a d wed agree to take it slow and just see where we end up. The problem I'm having is what to feel about all this. She clearly does not let herswlf get attached tok much while I don't know how to play this role. I dont wanna mess things up since shes great but I dont know how to play my role and basically just get my **** together. I think the talk alone we had could easily mess things up a d zhed becomw more reserved and distanced. How do I proceed here? I dont see a reason to end things with her efore our relationship eve started. I realize she ows me nothing and I shouldnt have any expectations but I dont know how to act. Do I keep doing the best I can, care for her D give her my attention and hope she sees she can be comfortable around me or should I distance myself as well? There are moments though when she shows she cares and likes me like grabs my hand occassionally or sticks her head to mine or sends me a good morning message. I just wish theyd comw more often. Please help me not ruin this.

[unforgotten]

The problem is I feel nervous now. I went from this great calm high self esteem individual to attention needy desperado. I eed to fix this asap before its tok late. I need some serious help and a good word here please.

[TaraMaiden2]

I hate this stupid 'Taking it Slow' policy.

It puts potential partners in limbo, and leaves them feeling unstable, unsure and in a complete fog.

 

Kind of like the 'I Need a Break' crap.

 

Basically whatever relationship exists is run solely to the liking of the TiS/INaB partner, and the other one has to play along, conform to totally blurred and often invisible boundaries and play battleships with no reference screen....all the while being evaluated for their potential to conform and behave in a particular way to accommodate someone else, with no guarantee of recompense, reward or enjoyment!

 

For goodness' sake, really, dating sholdn't be this hard!

 

Frankly, if you want my opinion, you need her to define and outline PRECISELY what she means by 'taking it slow'. I mean, has she thought of a time-frame?

What is her perception of 'taking it slow'?

One year's dating? No sex during that time? How soon does she feel she can step it up a notch?

 

You see, saying something as vague as 'let's take it slow' can actually mean

 

"I'm so new back into dating, I just want to see what it feels like. You're a nice guy, and you can walk alongside me while I experiment. I'll let you know at some point if I think you have potential, but right now, it's just fun using you as a leaning-post... sex? Er no... I'll think about that at some future point, but right now, I'm off-limits...."

 

You have to tell her bluntly or otherwise that this is a relationship.

It takes two to tango. You both have the right to have your needs met, and there are certain expectations that should be fairly considered.

It can't all go her way.

 

If she wants to take it slow, she'd better be more specific, open and communicative.

Otherwise you'd be perfectly within your rights to tell her to 'take it elsewhere.'

[TaraMaiden2]

The problem is I feel nervous now. I went from this great calm high self esteem individual to attention needy desperado. I eed to fix this asap before its tok late. I need some serious help and a good word here please.

 

 

Don't start being silly.

Your self-esteem isn't dependent on the whims of a flighty, indecisive and inconsistent woman who's toying with your affections, yanking your chain and treating you like a yo-yo.

 

Man up, throw your shoulders back, get a grip and don't be a wimp.

 

Seriously, if you are letting her affect you this way, you are better off out of it.

 

You either ask her to put up, or get out.

 

Don't start wilting under the pressure, because there IS no pressure.

You have choices too, you know. This isn't the be-all and end-all of everything.

You have a voice and a tongue in your head.

 

Use them.

[Guitarisgood]

You treat her how she is treating you. She knows what you want and if she is not ready, why should you wait?

 

Go out, socialise. Enjoy the company of woman, many woman; even if she objects. Busy up your life and live it to the fullest. Then it is up to her to decide if she wants you enough.

 

If not, no biggie, plenty woman out there.

[TaraMaiden2]

Singular = (1): woman

 

Plural = more than 1): women

 

Just to help...

[joseb]

Op. Did anything happen for the "take it slow" conversation to occur? You have only been dating 2 weeks, seems like early to be having these define the relationships talks.

[unforgotten]

First of all thanks for the answers. I really appreciate it. Nothing particular happened. I just felt like shes not feeling the same way that I do. She would mostly be reserved with occassional flirting and letting me know she cares. I wanted to clear things out and I think she herself does not know what she really wants. She wants to be exclusive and she likes me and cares for me but at the same time she does not want to get too attached. Thats why she backs off as soon as she gets tok close I think. Maybe her past relationship is an issue too since her ex was a douche and she had to put up a lot with him. I think I am too needy also. I am used to being complimwnted and showered with attention since I was in a long term relationship and this is new to me. I asked her if she would care if I walked out of her life and she said she would. She even cried a bit and said that she just wants things to be they are for the moment. This is all very confuaing to.me. Perhaps I'm just a bit too aggressive early on? I think my approach here will be to give her more space but still show to her that I do care even if she doesnt give the same ammount back to me. I wont have these deep talks with her anytime soon and I'll just make sure we enjoy our time together. It will be hard for me but I think this is the only way to go here don't you think? Perhaps this was a step back but I don't think all is lost here or is it? We texted each other today and will probably hang out in the evening. Some further advice would be greatly appreciated.

[TaraMaiden2]

Nope.

That's all I have to give.

 

If you want to keep hopping from one foot to the other, this early in the relationship, it will always remain uncertain. Not a good way to embark on a life of togetherness.

 

"He who deliberates fully before taking each step will spend his entire life on one leg."

 

I think, however you want to do it, it's soon going to be time to put your foot down.

Before the other shoe drops.

[Gaeta]

Nowhere I have read what YOU wanted?

 

If you want a relationship she is not the one. She'll be a waste of your time.

 

Dating 101: I am not ready to be in a relationship = I do not want to be in a relationship with YOU.

[unforgotten]

The thing is I'd already define what we have as a relationship. How else would you call this? We are going out, we trust each other, we have fun, we make out. We didn't have sex yet but I think that's coming. She said it's not a relationship and I said well what is it then, we aren't just friends now are we and she said, no we are more than friends. She cares for me. I just don't get it. We somehow agreed on to see where this will go but if I don't see any progress like in a month or so I'll back off.

[Gaeta]

The thing is I'd already define what we have as a relationship. How else would you call this? We are going out, we trust each other, we have fun, we make out. We didn't have sex yet but I think that's coming. She said it's not a relationship and I said well what is it then, we aren't just friends now are we and she said, no we are more than friends. She cares for me. I just don't get it. We somehow agreed on to see where this will go but if I don't see any progress like in a month or so I'll back off.

 

You're not listening to her.

 

You are not in a relationship means she is not emotionally invested so she can get up and disappear anytime. She also can date others, sleep with others, and fall in love with someone else. It means she does not owe you anything.

 

Sure you can spend your time with her, invest your time and heart, but when she gets up and leave you'll be the big loser here.

[TaraMaiden2]

The thing is I'd already define what we have as a relationship. How else would you call this? We are going out, we trust each other, we have fun, we make out. We didn't have sex yet but I think that's coming. She said it's not a relationship and I said well what is it then, we aren't just friends now are we and she said, no we are more than friends. She cares for me. I just don't get it. We somehow agreed on to see where this will go but if I don't see any progress like in a month or so I'll back off.

 

No, you are NOT more than friends. Really? Didn't you ask her to be more specific? What the hell is 'more than friends' but 'not in a relationship'...?

No wonder you're confused....

 

She's tagging you along for emotional comfort, support and company.

You might as well be her puppy.

Seriously, if she wants that kind of unquestioning devotion, with nothing expected in return, poodles are great household pets.

And if that's all she's prepared to give - confusing, mixed messages which actually mean diddly-squat - then think seriously about how long you're prepared to sit and beg.

 

Good boy....

[joseb]

I guess I'm seeing this from a different perspective to most of you.

You all seem to see it as the girl trying to manipulate the OP somehow.

I don't see that at all - I see someone who has been in a LTR and doesn't want to jump straight into another one. And I get the feeling from the OP (he has said so himself) that he is a little clingy, and this has probably tripled her resolve not to get too emotionally invested too early. It's two weeks, not 6 months.

 

Unless she has been deceptive in some way that has not been mentioned, then I think she has done nothing wrong.

 

However, I do tend to agree that she is probably not likely to want a LTR at the moment. Unless the OP is happy with casual, then I think he should break this one up now.

[Gaeta]

I guess I'm seeing this from a different perspective to most of you.

You all seem to see it as the girl trying to manipulate the OP somehow.

I don't see that at all - I see someone who has been in a LTR and doesn't want to jump straight into another one. And I get the feeling from the OP (he has said so himself) that he is a little clingy, and this has probably tripled her resolve not to get too emotionally invested too early. It's two weeks, not 6 months.

 

Unless she has been deceptive in some way that has not been mentioned, then I think she has done nothing wrong.

 

However, I do tend to agree that she is probably not likely to want a LTR at the moment. Unless the OP is happy with casual, then I think he should break this one up now.

 

She is not manipulating him at all. She is being honest, clear and forward as to where she stands. It's OP that's not listening to her.

[TaraMaiden2]

I think it's a dose of both.

 

She's not been giving clear-cut messages, really. I would love to know what 'more than friends' is, in relation to 'not in a relationship'....

 

And he seems so fearful of being without someone by his side, that he's befogged by what she's telling him, and yes, is either not listening, or is hanging on for the sheer desperation that this will move on quickly.

 

I fear not.

[unforgotten]

Thanks for the further answers.

 

Let me make one thing clear. I'm not accusing this girl of anything. She's been nothing but honest with me. I'm just asking for help because I don't know what's happening here.

 

In my defense, she's giving me unclear messages. Like TaraMaiden2 said, I'm confused as well - what's more than friends and less than being in a relationship? **** buddies? We didn't even had sex yet and those usually don't share any emotions.

 

Let me sum it up.

 

We went to the movies, playing pool, to the parties, outside on walks. Have been holding hands, have talked about a lot of stuff, even been to my place and give each other massages.

 

She said:

- We are more than friends.

- We are not in a relationship as I don't want to be anytime soon and don't know when I'll be ready.

- I like you and care for you. You're a great person.

- I want it to be like we are as I like you and we have good time together.

- I want to be exclusive with you and I don't want anyone else.

- I don't want to get too emotionally attached to you.

 

Perhaps it's me as I'm new to this but all of this seems very confusing to me. And I do think she is already emotionally invested in me to some level. How do I know this? Well, she cried when we talked about this. I stepped back today and didn't texted her back asap and she asked me if I'm busy or I don't want to talk to her. She is thinking about me. A couple of days back I said we needed to talk (it was about a totally different matter) and she was suddenly all aware and asking me what's wrong like she thought I'll end it with her or something. I found out from her friend that she thinks I'm an awesome character and that there's a possibility for something serious to grow out of it. There are actions from her side that show me she likes me and cares for me and I could describe as love but they are rare. AS soon as she gets too invested she somehow pulls back in I think and this is something that's very hard for me to deal with.

 

Yes I was a bit clingy and probably still am. I realize my faults and I'm trying to correct them as well. Is it possible that this went a little quick too fast and when she saw this progress she kind of got scared and backed off a little bit? Perhaps I just need to take a deep breath, have fun with her, forget about these relationship talks for a while and just roll with her and see what happens? You know, take a step back myself and let her take the initiative instead. I won't pressure her for going out and stuff like that. Let her decide what she wants to do... What do you think?

[joseb]

I think it's a dose of both.

 

She's not been giving clear-cut messages, really. I would love to know what 'more than friends' is, in relation to 'not in a relationship'....

 

Isn't that pretty much the definition of early stages dating? You like the person, in a non-platonic way, but you are not ready to label it bf+gf?

[joseb]

Thanks for the further answers.

 

Is it possible that this went a little quick too fast and when she saw this progress she kind of got scared and backed off a little bit? Perhaps I just need to take a deep breath, have fun with her, forget about these relationship talks for a while and just roll with her and see what happens?

 

Yeah I do think that's possible.

 

And I do agree she is giving slightly mixed messages, but I think that's just because she is cautious of committing too much too soon. OR perhaps she is herself unsure of what she wants....

 

If you can take a deep breath and have fun with it, it might work for you guys. It does sound like she likes you. Are you OK to do that?

[unforgotten]

I agree with you and I think that's the only way to go here. She's a good girl and I like her. Well, the second option is to end it right away but I don't see why I'd even consider that. I'm well aware of the fact that I can only control myself and that's what I'm trying to do. I've read a lot of stuff about being clingy etc. and I know I have to change for the sake of this and all my further relationships. I've been working on my self esteem and axiety for the past eight months and I've come a long way but I'm still not satisfied. I'd still like to hear a word or two from you on how to act here. It bothers me that I am nervous and she's on my mind and I question all the possible scenarios. I feel like an idiot and I've always been this way. I manage to control myself though and I am not bombing her with messages or anything like that at all. I don't see the reason why she wouldn't like me, I've been the best me so far. Man I'd date myself. The problem is I don't know if I can invest myself so much into her and be emtionally unattached myself. Is that even possible? With every kiss, hug etc. I'm falling in love with her.

[Gaeta]

She is setting the table for FWB.

[lovexocoach]

What do you want? If you want a relationship you won't have it with her right now. She's made that clear.

 

 

You're getting hung up on her and this will drive you crazy. She's created the boundaries. You want more. She won't be giving you more.

 

 

You have to decide what you want and if you're not getting what you want then you have to make a choice - stick with her or move on.

 

 

This sounds like you're being friend zoned.

[BlueIris]

You have been dating for TWO WEEKS.

 

I’d end it with a guy who was concerned about “what we are” after only two weeks.

 

If this is intense and pressured instead of fun and pleasant only two weeks in, I’d be backing away if I were her, and if you were in that position, you might be too- right?

[unforgotten]

Well here's the deal.

 

I guess the talk didn't ruin everything after all. We had great time together yesterday and the day before. It looks like when she's happy and relaxed she gets more comfortable around me, grabs my hand or gives me the look that begs for a kiss and means that she "loves me". We had fun! It's not the relationship I'd wish for yet but I can move inside this zone and live with it.

 

Her friend told me that she says all the positive things about me and talks about me in general, that I'm an awesome person but she too has the feeling that shes a bit reserved and doesn't want to get too attached, well because of her previous relationship. The guy she was with was a complete *******. I've heard stories and the guy was a pure psycho. Now she's a little bit scared because she doesn't want to get ****ed over again. It makes sense and I can respect that insecurity but it makes me feel a bit anxious myself. It's not fair that I pay for someone elses mistakes now is it?

 

I guess I must give her some time and work on building her trust in me? Can someone advise me on how to proceed here? I'm glad that these past two days have played out the way they did. I definitely saw some progress there but I can still sense that insecurity that I know won't leave for quite some time.

[elaine567]

she does not want a relationship now.

 

She's been out of one and has been single for a while and does not think she is ready for a new one neither does not want one now.

 

She wants to keep dating, having fun and she wants to be exclusive with me.

 

She has told you she is not ready for a relationship. Believe her.

 

Many people find they do not want to go from one relationship to another, especially if the last relationship split was traumatic for them.

She says she simply wants to just have fun, if you are happy with that then go ahead, but if you are wanting more, then that may prove to be a risky strategy for you.

You could end up being in a rebound relationship.