Differing views about a fantasy becoming reality

[BreeJ]

Hi

 

I have developed a fantasy that is so intense it’s engulfing all of me. I’ve discussed it with my boyfriend and he’s really not all that interested, he hasn’t slammed the door but it’s clear he is reluctant. I have even considered breaking up with my boyfriend to pursue this but it seems so selfish when every other part of our relationship is good.

 

For some context here is some background. We were away camping with another couple, we had one tent, we had sex with our own partners (no swapping) next to each other. I was so turned on like never before and discussing it (embarrassingly) the next day we all agreed it was a pretty horny situation. A month later we were away again this time in our own hotel rooms but after a heavy night drinking they (the same couple) ended up in our room on our bed and it happened again. This time was incredible for me, there was enough light that I could see what they were doing and it was a complete turn on. Whatching them while doing things with my own boyfriend was incredible, it's hard to describe exactly how it felt but it's certainly something I want to keep exploring.

 

That it, that’s all that happened. There is no swapping partners or any group sex or anything but I get aroused just thinking about it. My boyfriend says “who knows” and “maybe again one day” but I want this again. If it was something I had never tried I would probably dismiss it thinking that the reality could never match the fantasy but I know this is real, twice now.

 

I guess my question is how far is too far to go in convincing him to keep on doing this? I don’t want to force him to do anything he is uncomfortable with but at the same time sometimes people need a push. I offered him an exchange of fantasies in that I would fulfil one of his but he took it way too far and wanted his blond/brunette/redhead at the same time fantasy fulfilled. I don’t want him have sex with anyone else nor do I but all his fantasies involve sex with another person and I’m not down with that, it makes me feel like I’m not enough for him whereas all my fantasies are him and I only.

 

To make it worse the other couple are totally into this as well and as we’re “not interested” they have done it with a few other couples and I am totally jealous.

 

So where I am at is that if I stay with him I’m not sure this fantasy will go away especially hearing about other couples from our group doing it but breaking up seems so drastic in an otherwise great relationship.

 

I’m open to any opinions. Do I just forget about the fantasy and hope that any underlying animosity about it not happening does not affect us or do I break up knowing that I may never even find another man who is interested in this sort of thing anyway.

[BreeJ]

Bump. Anyone?

[central]

It sounds like you enjoy exhibitionism/voyeurism - being watched and watching. That's fairly mild as fantasies go, since most DO involve having sex with someone other than your partner.

 

 

Some people can satisfy this by taking pictures or videos having sex with their partner (or even just tasteful nude shots of you), and posting them on sites that cater to this, such as voyeur web. Would that suffice? Maybe your bf would enjoy taking the pictures and posting them together. Or maybe not. Most guys probably want either more than this, or none of it.

[BreeJ]

Some people can satisfy this by taking pictures or videos having sex with their partner (or even just tasteful nude shots of you), and posting them on sites that cater to this, such as voyeur web. Would that suffice? Maybe your bf would enjoy taking the pictures and posting them together. Or maybe not. Most guys probably want either more than this, or none of it.

 

The thought of having unknown people see me naked excites me but I don't like the idea of putting pictures on the net and having no control over where they end up. Doing it "live" with other people watching is not only more exciting but removes any chance of people I don't want to know finding out. The worst that could happen is that someone talks but then we just deny deny deny as there is no evidence. The same can't be said once that nude pic of me is online.

[Grumpybutfun]

If you would dump your bf over him not fulfilling a sexual fantasy, you aren't really into him anyway so let him go and move on. There are many couples whose sexual fantasies do not correlate and they accept it and move on, compromising where/if possible. The idea that this fantasy is enough to make you consider dumping your bf should ensure to you that your feelings for him are pretty mild.

With that in mind....he has done this twice, he isn't going to say no when opportunity presents itself so just go with it in that vein instead of trying to pursue it overtly. Since this has happened twice, the idea doesn't repel him so just make sure you both have boundaries as to how far it can go...like no touching or kissing or seeing the other person alone....and go from there.

Good luck,

Grumps

[BreeJ]

With that in mind....he has done this twice, he isn't going to say no when opportunity presents itself so just go with it in that vein instead of trying to pursue it overtly. Since this has happened twice, the idea doesn't repel him so just make sure you both have boundaries as to how far it can go...like no touching or kissing or seeing the other person alone....and go from there.

Good luck,

Grumps

 

I think a lot of the thrill is the anticipation rather than just the act itself. Although both times so far have been spur of the moment things I can imagine the expectation if I knew we were going out to dinner with a couple and knowing what was to come later would heighten the experience. I would like to share that with him. As you say he is not against the idea, he's just not as into it as I seem to be. I just wish he was a bit more passionate about it.

 

The idea that this fantasy is enough to make you consider dumping your bf should ensure to you that your feelings for him are pretty mild.

 

If you said that before these things happened I would have scolded you for being so wrong but I must admit I am questioning just how compatible we really are. To this point we certainly have been on the same page at every turn but we are not quite aligned on this which is not a huge issue in itself as we don't have to be perfectly aligned on every single thing but I think it has shown me that I am more impulsive than him and more willing to explore/experiment and I'm not sure how that pans out in the long term.

[elaine567]

I think a lot of the thrill is the anticipation rather than just the act itself. Although both times so far have been spur of the moment things I can imagine the expectation if I knew we were going out to dinner with a couple and knowing what was to come later would heighten the experience. I would like to share that with him. As you say he is not against the idea, he's just not as into it as I seem to be. I just wish he was a bit more passionate about it.

 

I guess as it is not his fantasy, he is not to fussed about participating but it doesn't turn him on either. He is therefore not going to spend time actively seeking something that he gets little out of, or he may even not like. He may not like "sharing" you with another man in the room, but he knows that is good for you so he does it.

 

You are saying he is just not that adventurous and willing to experiment as you are, but your fantasy is NOT his fantasy...

I guess he may be thinking the same about you - she is not willing to explore/experiment - I told her about my threesome fantasy and she shut it down right away.

 

You are only willing to explore/experiment in areas you deem to be safe for yourself.

[Lois_Griffin]

It sounds like you enjoy exhibitionism/voyeurism - being watched and watching. That's fairly mild as fantasies go, since most DO involve having sex with someone other than your partner.

 

It doesn't sound as though your boyfriend wants to make a habit of this new kink of yours.

 

I would imagine in the future you might want to look for a boyfriend whose more into this type of thing. I'm assuming the one you're with isn't the one you'll be with for life.

[kendahke]

I guess you'll have to figure out which is more important: this fantasy of yours or your boyfriend. Which can you live with losing?

[TaraMaiden2]

have you tried having sex watching real couples porn...?

[BreeJ]

I guess you'll have to figure out which is more important: this fantasy of yours or your boyfriend. Which can you live with losing?

 

Your comment is exactly right but it's not easy to answer. However luckily enough I have a boyfriend that is willing to explore. We have spoken and he has agreed that he would like to try this again but wants to add a little more. He would like it to be ok if touching of the other couple was allowed. No penetration or oral sex or anything like that but just being able to touch when they a only inches away from you anyway. Sort of makes sense doesn't it?

 

Anyway that's the deal and our couple friends have agreed to it so we will try it out soon. I am already excited as I anticipated I would be.

 

I am glad we were able to communicate enough to work through what could have been an issue, keeping those lines open is essential to solving issues.

[torturedartist]

Hi

 

I have developed a fantasy that is so intense it’s engulfing all of me. I’ve discussed it with my boyfriend and he’s really not all that interested, he hasn’t slammed the door but it’s clear he is reluctant. I have even considered breaking up with my boyfriend to pursue this but it seems so selfish when every other part of our relationship is good.

 

For some context here is some background. We were away camping with another couple, we had one tent, we had sex with our own partners (no swapping) next to each other. I was so turned on like never before and discussing it (embarrassingly) the next day we all agreed it was a pretty horny situation. A month later we were away again this time in our own hotel rooms but after a heavy night drinking they (the same couple) ended up in our room on our bed and it happened again. This time was incredible for me, there was enough light that I could see what they were doing and it was a complete turn on. Whatching them while doing things with my own boyfriend was incredible, it's hard to describe exactly how it felt but it's certainly something I want to keep exploring.

 

That it, that’s all that happened. There is no swapping partners or any group sex or anything but I get aroused just thinking about it. My boyfriend says “who knows” and “maybe again one day” but I want this again. If it was something I had never tried I would probably dismiss it thinking that the reality could never match the fantasy but I know this is real, twice now.

 

I guess my question is how far is too far to go in convincing him to keep on doing this? I don’t want to force him to do anything he is uncomfortable with but at the same time sometimes people need a push. I offered him an exchange of fantasies in that I would fulfil one of his but he took it way too far and wanted his blond/brunette/redhead at the same time fantasy fulfilled. I don’t want him have sex with anyone else nor do I but all his fantasies involve sex with another person and I’m not down with that, it makes me feel like I’m not enough for him whereas all my fantasies are him and I only.

 

To make it worse the other couple are totally into this as well and as we’re “not interested” they have done it with a few other couples and I am totally jealous.

 

So where I am at is that if I stay with him I’m not sure this fantasy will go away especially hearing about other couples from our group doing it but breaking up seems so drastic in an otherwise great relationship.

 

I’m open to any opinions. Do I just forget about the fantasy and hope that any underlying animosity about it not happening does not affect us or do I break up knowing that I may never even find another man who is interested in this sort of thing anyway.

 

So he's cool with the idea of having sex with other people, but he wants it to be a private thing? I guess that makes sex. I mean sense (honest slip).

 

Why not start by messing around with a video camera? Tell him he can delete the video after you're done. Be willing to let him delete it, if he wants to.

 

If you've never tried to make a video (any video, not even a deeply personal one) you'll be amazed at how much the knowledge a camera is watching you makes you feel like you're being watched. Though, you do know in the back of your mind you can delete it.

 

Yep, for sure, try really hard to talk him in to making a video.

[jen1447]

Your comment is exactly right but it's not easy to answer. However luckily enough I have a boyfriend that is willing to explore. We have spoken and he has agreed that he would like to try this again but wants to add a little more. He would like it to be ok if touching of the other couple was allowed. No penetration or oral sex or anything like that but just being able to touch when they a only inches away from you anyway. Sort of makes sense doesn't it?

 

Anyway that's the deal and our couple friends have agreed to it so we will try it out soon. I am already excited as I anticipated I would be.

 

I am glad we were able to communicate enough to work through what could have been an issue, keeping those lines open is essential to solving issues.

 

Good job! Communication and compromise is a beautiful thing. Enjoy.

[Elias33]

A simplified question is, do you want something for yourself more, than you want your boyfriend?

 

Because he seems to be indifferent, not actively seeking out these situations. You however, consider dumping him over it. You know you want this for yourself obviously.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Your comment is exactly right but it's not easy to answer. However luckily enough I have a boyfriend that is willing to explore. We have spoken and he has agreed that he would like to try this again but wants to add a little more. He would like it to be ok if touching of the other couple was allowed. No penetration or oral sex or anything like that but just being able to touch when they a only inches away from you anyway. Sort of makes sense doesn't it?

 

Anyway that's the deal and our couple friends have agreed to it so we will try it out soon. I am already excited as I anticipated I would be.

 

I am glad we were able to communicate enough to work through what could have been an issue, keeping those lines open is essential to solving issues.

 

Sounds like a slippery slope. You stated you are not comfortable with sex with other people...sounds to me that touching is going to a be a gateway for that. Be careful you don't end up compromising more than you can handle.

[BreeJ]

Sounds like a slippery slope. You stated you are not comfortable with sex with other people...sounds to me that touching is going to a be a gateway for that. Be careful you don't end up compromising more than you can handle.

 

I still feel like I'm in control, I will bail out the second I feel I'm not.

[MoreAmore]

If you have a kink, him being willing to try it with you, even if he's not quite as excited as you are, is a pretty good outcome. Consider and discuss what frequency you desire and are okay with for indulging this.

 

Lucky you know other couples who are into it!